Exclusive Christmas Interview!

SN: So Ted, how have you been? Would you like another interview this year?

TM: Nick, you know I’m always up for excusive interviews with world famous celebrities like yourself

SN: Alright then, lets get started, this is my busy season, as you know.

TM: Well, how about a current events question? What do you think about the capture of Saddam Hussein?

SN: You know, I try to stay out of politics. I’m sort of a one-man Switzerland if you know what I mean. That’s one of the reasons for locating my headquarters where I do, it’s very out-of-the-way. Suffices to say He’d been on my ‘naughty’ list for a lot of years and I think it finally caught up with him.

TM: Fair enough. How about a little background? So the North Pole’s not really home? Where are you from originally?

SN: Lycia, Myra

TM: Come again?

SN: Asia Minor, not far from the modern city of Demre, on Mediterranean coast in southwest Turkey

TM: Oh, well, surely you have some opinions on Turkey’s role in Iraqi reconstruction?

SN: The Turks have no love for Saddam, but my homeland was over run by the Turks in 808. The Caliph Harun ar-Rashid was another dictator who persecuted people he considered different. So you’ll forgive me if I don’t think it’s my war.

TM: Ouch. Sorry, I didn’t mean to touch a nerve. So is it true what they say? ‘You CAN’T go home again.’

TM: Oh, well, surely you have some opinions on Turkey’s role in Iraqi reconstruction?

SN: Oh, well, in my case, you can’t even go back to Constantinople.

TM: Why’s that?

SN: Well, now they call it Istanbul.

TM: I’m getting that religious persecution is a sore point for you. Is that because people call it ‘X-Mas’ instead of Christmas?

SN: No, that’s because of Cæsar Diocletian made me a martyr in 325, the same year Constantine came to power and legalized Christianity, but a day late and a dollar short for me. Really it was General Galerius who hated Christianity and Diocletian went along with it, he was playing politics, trying to balance the interests Galerius, Maximillian, and Constantine and hold on to power. The Empire had gotten way too big and too corrupt. So you see why I hate politics. It gets in the way of helping people and it gets in the way of spreading the Gospel.

TM: S-S-S-So you’re dead?

SN: No Einstein, I’m seven hundred and three years old. I’m a spirit, of course I’m dead.

TM: Oh, sorry, gosh, you don’t look a day over 500.

SN: Thanks, I gave up smoking in the 1980’s. This is kind of dragging, can you spice it up a little?

TM: Uh, Okay, uh, don’t like politics. How about religion?

SN: Now you’re talkin’. That’s right up my alley. Did you know Lycia was St. Paul’s last stop on his way to Rome?

TM: THE Saint Paul? You got to meet St. Paul?

SN: Well, yeah, but not till 325. His missionary journeys were like 250 years before I was born.

TM: Oh, sure, I get confused.

SN: That’s alright, you’re only mortal, I should cut you some slack. At any rate, as a young man, I wanted the solitary life. I made a pilgrimage to Jerusalem, where I found a place to withdraw to devote himself to prayer. But God told me that I should return home and spread His Good News. Eventually I was ordained bishop.

TM: Bishop, eh? How do you feel about the Episcopal Diocese of New Hampshire ordaining Gene Robinson their Bishop?

SN: You don’t let up do you? I thought you were different than other journalist. Is controversy all you’re interested in? I’m known for providing for the poor and needy, and delivering those who had been unjustly accused.

TM: Come on, didn’t you ever face controversy during your lifetime?

SN: Well, some people tell me I wasn’t martyred but I passed away in 334, and my body was stolen and taken to Bari, Italy in 1087. Some people claim that I performed a lot of miracles posthumously, is that controversial enough?

TM: Come on, Nick, readers want something juicy. Were you ever in a fight?

SN: I’m actually most famous for having secretly given money so that three sisters could pay dowries and marry, avoiding being sold into prostitution by their father. That’s where the whole stocking thing started, see I couldn’t just break into someone’s house, what would people think?

TM: No no no, everybody knows that stuff. These days we want our heroes to be macho, aggressive.

SN: There was that time at the First Ecumenical Council of Nicaea in 325. That infernal Lybian Arius. He claimed that Jesus wasn’t truly the Son of God. I just couldn’t help my self. He made me so angry, I walloped him one. Why, the other clergy there were so taken aback. Priests aren’t allowed to hit people you know. But they knew I was right.

TM: Wow, you go Santa! Now, be honest, is there anything now days that makes you that angry?

SN: Well, I tell ya, I don’t much care for people trying to make me out to be some kind of Nordic magician or Norse god or something. And it did break my heart when World Trade Center business destroyed tiny St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church, about 500 feet from ground zero.

TM: What is the ONE thing that you want readers to remember today, Christmas 2003?

SN: That’s an easy one- “For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord!” And “to all a good night!”