How did someone like me ever become a cheerleading coach?

How a nonathletic, middle-aged, heterosexual male became a middle school/high school cheerleading coach and the lessons it taught him about life, teamwork, confidence and fatherhood.

Once upon a time I thought about using a blog as a jumping off point for eventually writing a book about being a male cheer coach. Never have seemed to find the time or the self-discipline. But at least one journalist told me that they thought I'd make a good feature story because there are so few male cheer coaches and that maybe I should consider writing a book about it someday. Not much to it yet, but here's a start.

"How did you ever end up coaching Cheerleading?"

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that one. Speaking as a Journalism teacher, if I wasn’t the male Cheer Coach, I’d probably encourage my students to interview him. I’d think there’s a story there, it certainly is a novelty.

When I attended the Iowa Cheer Coaches Association conference in Ames a couple of years ago, I was one of only two male coaches, and the other guy was coach at a junior college.

There has really only been one time, to my knowledge, that someone gave me a hard time about it. It was in L.A. An Athletic Director at another Christian school approached me, assuming I was one of the football coaches, to let me know something about that days game. When I explained to him that I wasn’t the football coach, I was the cheer coach, he laughed and made a homophobic joke and sympathetically asked me how I "got stuck" with cheerleading.

When I told him that I didn’t feel like I had been "stuck" with it and that I actually enjoyed it, he didn’t quite know what to do with me. He awkwardly back-stepped out of the conversation and made his way to the "real" coaches.

"So, how did you come to coach something like cheerleading?" I hear you ask. Alright, I’ll tell you.

I wasn’t ever particularly good at sports as a kid. Freshman year of college, I happened to be in the student union when some of the girls on the cheer squad came looking for guys to be "yell leaders." There were only four of them and they needed more to help them build pyramids.

I was full of school spirit and figured it was a great way to meet girls, so "what the heck." That was just one season, freshman year. My wife Bethany, on the other hand, didn’t cheer in college, but she did for years in high school.

The first year that we taught at Los Angeles Lutheran Jr/Sr High School, Bethany was expected to coach both junior high and varsity cheer. It didn’t take long for us to see that it was unreasonable to expect a rookie teacher to be expected to coach two sports simultaneously. When we approached our principal with the dilemma, he was more resourceful than we had anticipated. He had remembered from my file that I had cheered in college.

At first I was very reluctant, but we reasoned that Bethany and her high school cheerleaders could help me train my junior high cheerleaders. Besides we welcomed the additional stipend, meager as it was.

I have to tell you, if teaching is both one of the most difficult and yet most rewarding professions, coaching is even more so. You can’t get to know a student very well once a day during a fifty minute period alongside twenty or more other students, you can get to know them fairly well when you have just six or eight of them for a couple hours every single day. My hope and prayer is that by coaching, I can make a greater difference in the lives of a few young people.

I coached junior high cheer for about five years. After two or three, Bethany got out of coaching and took on other responsibilities as L. A. Lutheran’s Spiritual Life Director. No doubt, a step toward becoming a counselor, like she is today. During that time they went through several different Varsity coaches. I’d like to think that for a while, some of my junior high squads performed better than their high school counterparts. Eventually, they asked me if I would take over the varsity squad and assigned the junior high to a new rookie teacher.

I coached two more years in LA and I considered it a ministry, not just an after school activity. We prayed before and after games and once a week we had a meeting/Bible study kind of the way I imagine a Fellowship of Christian Athletes "huddle" might have at a public school. I wanted to be a "coach," and not merely a "sponsor," so I made every effort to work hard every practice and improve as much as we could. Our squads attended camps and attended workshops and combed through magazines and videos for ideas.

I’m honored to say that the cheer coach at Lutheran High in L. A. today cheered for me as a junior high student and for both Bethany and I as a high school student. It’s a kick to exchange email with her about what our squads are doing.

This is my third year coaching cheer at Boyer Valley and my ninth year coaching altogether. There are ups and downs, and anytime you’re dealing with teenagers, let alone teenage girls there are days when you feel like you’re going crazy. But it’s still a lot of fun, and as rewarding as ever. I may not be the best coach that’s ever been around the sport, and my squads may never get on ESPN, but I like what I do.

School spirit is important. Supporting the other teams, coaches, and athletes at our schools is important, and I’d like to think that being a positive adult male influence for young women is too.

In the interest of self-disclosure; Where I’m coming from and why you wouldn’t think so

The Apostle Paul once made an impassioned declaration of his credentials as a Jew to Jewish members of the new sect that followed “the Way,” (aka Jesus). He described in detail his lineage and pedigree, down to the denomination (Pharisee) to the point than no one could dispute his authority in matters of Jewish laws and traditions.

Much of my adult life I’ve felt like I had to defend my credentials as a conservative. By that I mean as a traditional, straight-laced, straight-shooting, hard-working, family-loving, small-town, middle class, Midwestern white guy. People tend to question my middle-America, middle-of-the-road, stable, straight-arrowness because I vote like a bleeding-heart and I wear that bleeding-heart on my sleeve.

I came from a very stable home in the very sterile suburbs of 1970’s Phoenix Arizona. My parents moved there in before I was born. I’d like to think that it wasn’t a case of “white-flight,” my older brother suffered with asthma and allergies and my parents suffered from family infighting and unrest, but they did leave the Detroit area in 1968. 1969 may have been known as the summer of love, but 1968 was a year of race riots, anti war demonstrations and political assassinations. “Out West,” and the sun belt seemed like the New Frontier that JFK had promised back in 1960.

I choose to believe that my parents were more concerned with our safety than with property values or integration because they taught us to be tolerant of and kind toward people of all colors and creeds. Once upon a time “tolerance” was considered a value rather than a vice.

My childhood was textbook example of stability and normalcy. My parents never divorced and to our knowledge never faced any challenges of infidelity. My Dad had a good paying, union job with an airline. He used to say that part of the year we were middle-middle class, and part of the year we were lower-middle class. I’m not sure if that depended on over-time, holiday bonuses, or tax refunds, but we always had food on the table and clothes on out backs, even if we never had a brand new vehicle or as many of the newest toys that little boys drooled over in the Sears-Robuck Christmas Wish Book catalog.

Surely I was the product and chief beneficiary of the American Dream.
My Mother was a stay-at-home mom most of the time. Some years she took secretarial or temp jobs, I suppose to help pay for home improvements, vacations or to put my brother and through parochial school. While she demonstrated for us that women were as smart and capable and worthy of respect as men, she never burned her bras or pontificated about the need to be “liberated” or to have her own career or identity apart from my Dad. If anything, she often preached to us about how the husband was to be the head of the household and the wife should defer to her husband and honor him- much to her consternation whenever he disappointed her or disagreed with her, which was plenty.

We lived in the same three bedroom, two bath ranch on the same suburban street in the same suburban subdivision my entire life. Mom and Dad still live there. I believe Dad’s got his 30 year mortgage paid off as a matter of fact, which may be why Mom wants to get a condo in a small town on California’s central coast where she can paint all day with her friends.
They scrimped and saved and sacrificed to send us to Christian school from kindergarten through eighth grade. They took us to Sunday school and church every week and made sure we studied catechism and were confirmed. They had nightly devotions with us at the dinner table (not just during Advent and Lent, either) and prayed for us every night. I ask you, what could be more conservative?

In my mind, I adhered to an Arthurian mythos. I aspired to be God’s knight, abiding by the credos of “right makes might” and “by serving each other, we become free.” What could be more conservative?

For my part, I read, marked and inwardly digested as much of God’s word as I could, not to mention church doctrine and Reformation history. In high school, while it seemed like everyone else was studying Bud Light and wine coolers, I was exploring journalism and foreign policy. While other kids were listening to Megadeath and Metallica, I was absorbing Theloneous Monk and George Shearing. I shunned piercings and tattoos. Even with temperatures in the 100s most of the year, I believed it was unmanly to not wear socks and unclassy to wear an undershirt. I was square before Hewly Lewis sang that it was hip to be so. How conservative can you get?
I was about as rigid and repressed as a teenager can get. I can honestly say that I’ve never even tried pot once, even though it was offered to me. I dated some girls but held onto a chivalrous, romantic ideal so tightly that I could never settle for less than the deepest, truest love. Just as well, I spent three of high school’s four years in love with a girl I held on a pedestal. Even so, I valued a relationship with her more than any mere attraction to her, so we remained platonic. Best friends. I was her blood-brother, her confessor, counselor, protector and defender (at least in my mind). For me, women were to be respected, treasured, and treated as intelligent, capable, individuals- not as objectified body parts or recreational play things. Surely that’s conservative, right?

Just like I can genuinely boast that I’ve never tried drugs, I can honestly say that I’ve only had one sexual partner my entire life, which is my wife of 18 years. Again, I ask you, have you ever known ANYONE so conservative?

I contend that even my initial interest in politics was what I would consider conservative- fiscally conservative anyway. My perception of Reaganomics was that it was irresponsible. Skyrocketing deficits and mounting national debt were what incensed me. Boring, huh? Wonkish. My heroes were so called “Blue-Dog” democrats like Paul Tsongas of Massachusetts and Paul Simon of Illinois. I followed my Arizona Senators, Barry Goldwater and John McCain and appreciated that neither of them felt obliged to tow the party line on every issue. I’m telling you, I may have been a charter member of my high school’s Young Democrats club, but as Democrats go- conservative.

As I studied history, I observed that with the exception of Teddy Roosevelt, the Democratic party of the 20th century tended to be on the side of the working class, and more often than not, in my opinion, the side of right. Corrupt Republicans hamstrung or dismantled Roosevelt’s progressive reforms after he left office. Republicans pulled us out of the League of Nations, abdicating the world leadership we accumulated by winning WWI. Republicans favored the robber-barons and led us into the great Depression. Republicans brought us McCarthyism, the red scare and black lists. After LBJ signed the Civil Rights Act, racist Southern fundamentalist Democrats flocked to the Republican party and opposed civil rights, desegregation, economic justice and women’s rights under the mantra of states rights and libertarianism. Nixon, a Republican escalated our involvement in Vietnam- including with secret bombings and intrusions into Laos and Cambodia even though he had promised Vietnamization and peace with honor. And everyone knows now that Watergate was a matter of his stealing the presidential election and tried to cover it up. Reagan’s campaign secretly negotiated with Iranian revolutionaries to prevent them from releasing American hostages until after they were sure that Jimmy Carter lost the election and in spite of the fact that Reagan swore that America does not negotiate with terrorists, his administration sold Iran missiles (through Israel, of all brokers) and used the proceeds to fund the Contra Rebels in Nicaragua in direct violation of laws passed by Congress. Now, sure, these reasons are partisan, but surely my reasons for mistrusting the GOP are reasonable, if not reasonably “conservative.”

One summer, I applied to work at the phone banks for the state Democratic party. I supported the blue collar, Midwestern candidate, Dick Gebhart. I’m ashamed to say that one of the reasons I found a different job was that I just wasn’t comfortable with how many of the men who worked there shaved their legs and how few of the women who worked there didn’t. Than may make me bigoted, a hypocrite, or a homophobe- but I believe it also made be quite conservative.

I attended a Lutheran Church~Missouri Synod college, Concordia in small town in Nebraska. A small, church run teacher’s college with fewer than 2,000 students, established in the 1890s with a small professor to student ratio where I was discipled directly by old, white, male Ph.D.s and Th.D.s and Rev.s for five years. Again, I absorbed a culture of reserved, humility, piety and servanthood. My mentors ingrained in me a healthy skepticism of secular humanism and new age nonsense. I virtually minored in Religion, meaning I took the classes required for a Lutheran Teacher’s Diploma, qualifying me to become a Commissioned Minister of the Gospel, that is a Called teacher at a Lutheran school trusted to teach Religion or Bible classes. Well versed in denominational history, official church teachings and Synodical doctrinal positions. Again, I ask you, what could POSSIBLY be more “conservative?” For decades I struggled and wrestled in my soul about whether God was calling me to pastoral ministry. Decidedly, un "liberal."

So what makes me a liberal? Maybe it’s because I believe in Teddy Roosevelt’s promise to give EVERY American a “Square Deal.” Maybe because, (even though he was also an honorary Grand Wizard of the KKK) Wilson’s 14 points of open treaties openly arrived upon and self-determination for emerging nations was egalitarian and responsible. Maybe it’s because FDR’s New Deal ushered in the longest era of economic expansion and prosperity for the middle class in history. Maybe it’s because I think that great thinkers like Henry Wallace, Elenor Roosevelt, Adali Stevensen, and Eugene McCarthy were visionary in their perspectives on race, class, economy, and foreign policy. These aren’t radicals, these aren’t Marxists, these are people who loved America and believed in the dignity of every human being.

Maybe I’m a “liberal” because I buy into the optimism of potential and public service espoused by JFK. Maybe I’m a liberal because I admire the courage and sacrifice of men like Martin Luther King and John Lewis. Who risked life and livelihood to hold America accountable to her promises. Maybe it’s because even though an overdeveloped and misguided paranoia about Communism led him to mire us in a tragic mess in Vietnam, LBJ still brought us the Civil Rights Act and had hoped to battle a noble, if ill fated war on poverty. Maybe it’s because Robert Kennedy spoke of renewing our cities, our environment, and our faith in government as a tool for the common good. Maybe it’s because in spite of is short comings, I appreciated that Bill Clinton paid-as-he-went (fiscally conservative), that however short lived it was, he eliminated the deficit and was reducing the national debt. I find it amazing and ironic that the number of abortions was lower under Carter and Clinton than under Reagan or either Bush. And no president has ever demonstrated Christian service, or dedicated himself to the study and teaching of God’s Word than James Earl Carter. Conservative. Preserving democracy, protecting the little guy, protecting the Constitution and our precious traditions. Conservative.

And yes, call me hopeful or too easily inspired by soaring rhetoric- but I have to tell you, so far, I am enthusiastic about the bottom-up grass roots movement, the savvy use of the internet, the cabinet of rivals, the transparency, accountability, civility, attempts at consensus building, the consummate professionalism, tireless work ethic, and gritty pragmatism of Barrack Obama. All these attributes seem bone-deep conservative to me.

So I don’t like xenophobic demagogues bullying people on their AM talk radio shows and their “info-tainment” shows on Fox News. So I think that you don’t have to be straight, so long as you can shoot straight to enlist in the Army. So I think that the 14th Amendment entitles everyone to equal rights, even if they’re gay. So I believe in protecting women from back alley clinics and coat-hanger abortions enough to want abortion to be legal and safe, even though I find it heinous that so many people think if it so callously and nonchalantly as just another form of birth control. So I can’t get passed the part about a “well-regulated militia” whenever I read the 2nd Amendment. So I see the anti-establishment clause of the 1st Amendment’s wall to separate church and state ass something that protects and benefits Christianity, and government. So I actually support a progressive tax structure because I feel like with much privilege ought to come much responsibility AND because I believe that demand-side economics is far more sustainable than supply-side.

If these things make me “Liberal.” Than label me Liberal. If they make me “Progressive,” label me Progressive. If they make me “Socialist,” then I must be guilty as charged.

But please, don’t begin to think that I somehow don’t love my country, my community, my family, or my students. Please don’t fear for my salvation or question my relationship with or loyalty to Jesus, because I beg Him to renew my baptism and drown my sinful nature and make me His instrument every morning. Don't say that I'm not smart and for Heaven’s sake don’t assume that I’m a conformist or that I prefer not to think because I have followed the crowd and value few things as much as reading and learning.

I strive to help people see and come to a better understanding of both sides of every issue. That does not make me less moral or less aware, or for that matter, less conservative than anyone.
Please refrain from impugning my patriotism. If you detest and are repelled by the things I stand for or the way I vote, let’s either try to find what we do agree on or simply agree to disagree.

And if you don’t like what I write- don’t read it. If you’re offended or annoyed by what I post on the internet, don’t revisit my blog or why not write your own? You may even delete me as a friend or block me on facebook- I’ll never know. But please, please don’t pretend that because we disagree, that somehow means that I’m bad or less valuable or your enemy. And if you do, just remember, Christ told us to love our enemies.


St. Paul used his credibility as a hard core Jew to oppose those Jewish Christians who were telling people that they had to be circumcised to become a Christian. I think that what I've tried to lay out her is that if anyone deserves to be able to call themselves a conservative, it's me- yet I choose to be called a liberal democrat because I believe that with a few (in Republican opinions glaring) exceptions, I believe that most liberal political values are more in line with my Christian religious convictions.

I didn't even mention George W. Bush or Iraq or torture. I could probably write another whole page just on how radical, rather than conservative I believe "neo-conservatives" are. And you don't want to know how strict and conservative my parenting style is.

My time at the Sun

Every year our English teacher solicits our favorite poems for National Poetry Month and requests that we give her a picture of ourselves so that her class can make posters of our poems to hang in the hallway. Last year I made myself look like Iowa artist Grant Wood. This year I decided to make myself into H.L. Mencken, political columnist, humorist, social commentator, reporter, and editor of the Baltimore Sun, back at the time of Theodore Roosevelt.

I may never be as famous or influential a writer, I may not even have a weekly column in our tiny local paper anymore but I still love writing. Maybe someday God will even let me make a living at it.

Please note that the beer mug tattoo was drawn on the original photo by Mencken himself- that's not something I added on my own.

Sample some of my writing

Here is a collection of things I've written that I've posted on http://www.goodreads.com
GoodReads is a sort of a social networking sight for readers. You can write book reviews, join reading groups and discuss your favorite authors. I really recommend it to anyone who loves reading or writing.

Max Nix (Poetry)

description: Years and years of bad free-flow-of-consciousness poetry. No meter, no rhyme, no reason.

These are drippings from as long ago as twenty years ago and as recent as days ago. I don't claim to be a very good poet, but sometimes words can do what even drawing, painting, and photography can't. Here is my humble offering. Maybe you can relate to some of them.

chapter 1: Where am I going? (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 2: Your escape (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 3: My Grandpa's Farm (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 4: 3,000 feet over Prescott (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 5: Loveland (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 6: Being told to shut-up (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 7: Metapoem (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 8: Who I see in you (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 9: Potter to the pot about the wheel (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 10: Grey hair (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 11: Run aground (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 12: Unrealistic expectations (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 13: The last day of November, 1993 (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 14: Tell zombies goodbye (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 15: I wish I had known you (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 16: False start (added 03/12/09 )

Pappa Bear (Sports)

description: How a nonathletic, middle-aged, heterosexual male became a middle school/high school cheerleading coach and the lessons it taught him about life, teamwork, confidence and fatherhood.

Once upon a time I thought about using a blog as a jumping off point for eventually writing a book about being a male cheer coach. Never have seemed to find the time or the self-discipline. But at least one journalist told me that they thought I'd make a good feature story because there are so few male cheer coaches and that maybe I should consider writing a book about it someday. Not much to it yet, but here's a start. You can see pictures of my squads at http://www.cheercoach.blogspot.com

chapter 1: I was a teenage werewolf (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 2: Don't look down (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 3: Thanks, I needed that (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 4: Loud and Proud (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 5: Purpose Driven Cheerleading (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 6: A funny thing happened on the way to the game (added 03/11/09 )

Ted's Column (Humor)

description: Self effacing humor and common sense from the pages of a small town newspaper.

'Ted's Column' has appeared weekly in the Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper since 2002, and then in the Schleswig Leader and the Mapleton PRESS, a regional paper serving several communities in western Iowa.

I wrote about all sorts of things but always tried to infuse the column with humor. My motto was "Sex, Politics, and Religion; not necessarily in that order."

I went on an indefinite hiatus late in 2008, but continue blogging right here!


chapter 1: What the snow-blower taught me. (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 2: Murphy's Law & Order (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 3: The existential angst of an ameture editorial cartoonist (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 4: The first Thanksgiving football game (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 5: Labor Day is a lot of work (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 6: Corny Concerto (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 7: Obscure holiday leaving you a basket case? (added 03/12/09 )

Me ka pule; Pirate prayers and prophecies (Religion & Spirituality)
description: Bible studies, devotions, prayers, and essays on God, faith and spirituality. A former church youth counselor and Bible study leader writes about how God can become real in your everyday life. You can read more religious commentary, at http://malloryprayer.blogspot.com

chapter 1: Fruit of the Spirit; You reap what you sow (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 2: Fruit of the Spirit: Pray for good fruit (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 3: Fruit of the Spirit: Bad fruit and sour grapes (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 4: Fruit of the Spirit; Don't be a scurvey dog (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 5: Fruit of the Spirit; Praise and criticism (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 6: Armor of God; Lighter is stronger, alloy composites (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 7: Armor of God; Spiritual warfare (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 8: Armor of God; Belt of truth (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 9: Armor of God; Breastplate of Righteousness (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 10: Armor of God; Shoes of readiness to share the Gospel of Peace (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 11: Armor of God; The Sheild of Faith (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 12: Beattitudes; Peace Out! (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 13: Beattitudes; Are you salty & luminous? (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 14: Beatittudes; Revolutionary (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 15: Beattitudes; 8 ways to be blessed (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 16: Lord’s Prayer; In our own words (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 17: Lord's Prayer; Praying the Lord's Prayer for someone else (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 18: Prayer of Jabez; Bless us indeed (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 19: Prayer of Jabez; How to Bless Your Neighbors Through Prayer (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 20: Prayer of Jabez; Enlarge my territory (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 21: Prayer of Jabez ; that your hand would be with me (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 22: Prayer of Jabez ; keep me from evil (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 23: Fruit of the spirit; True Love (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 24: Fruit of the Spirit; Joy (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 25: So, what does God want from me anyway? (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 26: Why I'm a priest but not a pastor (added 03/13/09 )

Politics & Religion (Religion & Spirituality)
description: Thomas Jefferson once said, "I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just." I feel like Christianity has been Shanghaied by people who say they love Jesus, but act more like disciples of Machiavelli.

So, like Luther posted his 95 Theses on the church door in order to incite critical thinking and provoke discussion and debate about the hypocrisies of the church in his time- I started posting things here that may challenge Christians to question their motivations and positions on things in our society and politics.

I don't mean to undermine anyone's faith or to promote heresy, but when I read Jesus' Words, especially in Matthew 5 and Luke 6, I see something radically different than what televangelists, radio prophets and Republican politicians espousing. Scurvy, bilge-sucking, sons of biscuit-eaters!

This all makes me feel like a mutant, a freak, and an outcast. Conservative Christians fear for my eternal salvation whereas secular liberals see me as part of the problem and not the solution. So in the so-called "culture wars" I'm caught in the cross-fire because I think that both sides are wrong and neither side wants to hear it.

Most of these were either columns or posts on this blog, but you can read my prayers, devotions, and religions rants on http://malloryprayer.blogspot.com

chapter 1: What the Fourth is for (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 2: Middle East untangled (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 3: History repeating (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 4: Why Republicans should be proud to be liberal (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 5: Be thankful you didn't live in the past (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 6: Pastor Marty (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 7: Raiders of the lost R's (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 8: Christian Nation? (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 9: Crass comment cuts off debate (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 10: Need for non-profit prophets (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 11: Don't be afraid to just knock (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 12: You'll know a tree by it's fruit (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 13: Sermon on the mount (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 14: Discussing "wedge issues" civilly (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 15: What would Jesus email? (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 16: Judas betrays Christ again (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 17: WHat would Jesus talk about? (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 18: Radical Middle (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 19: Birthday present shopping (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 20: The Gospel according to Nashville (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 21: Hell is a Gilligan's Islans marathon (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 22: A conscientious objector in the war on Christmas (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 23: Wrong man for the job (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 24: Sad to be an American? (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 25: Must have touched a nerve (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 26: If I were a Supreme Court Justice (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 27: Son rise (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 28: Attitude of gratitude (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 29: Republican translation (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 30: 'Magic Negro' makes strange bedfellows (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 31: Christian Democrat? Hell yes! (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 32: Veteran of the culture wars suffers PTSD (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 33: Jesus a 'Socialist?' (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 34: Strange fruit and sour grapes (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 35: When will the truth finally set us free? (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 36: Jefferson Portrait (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 37: A problem 30 years in the making (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 38: Gambling with other people's money (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 39: Dog eat dog (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 40: This is our moment (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 41: Romney will be whatever you want him to be (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 42: Too many sides to too many issues (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 43: Wedge issues a problem (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 44: Advice on your 228th Birthday (added 03/12/09 )

One of those Facebook things

REPORT Shadow Mountain, class of 1988 11:15am

Just for fun, fill this out about your years of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be!! REPORT with name of high school and graduating year in the subject box.

1. Did you date someone from your school?
Went out on a few "dates" with few girls, but never "went" with anybody. Too idealistic I guess, the girls I fell for just wanted to be friends and the girls that seemed interested in me, kinda freaked me out.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
No, I went to college to pick up an "MRS." degree.
Did you ever hear the one about the Art Major and the farmer's daughter?

3. Did you car pool to School?
Not really- Bike Freshman yr. Walk Sophomore yr.
"Crappy Blue Chevy Nova" Junior & Senior yrs.

4. What kind of car did you have?
A "Crappy Blue Chevy Nova," just like Eddie Murphy in "Beverly Hills Cop."
After two accidents it drove sideways and only the driver's side door would open.

5. What kind of car do you have now.
A 1995 Chevy S-10 pickup with 230,000 miles on it!
The only accident it's been in was with a deer.

6. Its Friday night...where are you in HS?
Cruising Central with Kevin and/or Seth and Mike. Sometimes at the movies with my best friend Dawn, if she didn't have a date with a REAL guy.

7. It is Friday night...where are you now?
Fall/Winter coaching the cheer squad at a FB or BB game.
Spring/Summer with my gorgeous wife and 3 beautiful, silly daughters

8. What kind of job did you have in high school?
Assistant Manager at Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors

9. What kind of job do you do now?
HS Art teacher, YrBk Advisor, Cheer Coach

10. Were you a party animal?
Not so much. I was more the 3-5 people with 2-3 beers or wine coolers type, rather than the 200 people and a bunch of kegs type.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
No, but a few lip syncs. Most of my friends were "Band-Fags" and I sat next to the band at football games, does that count?

13. Were you a nerd?
Depends on who you asked. I don't think I had good enough grades to be a nerd, but I don't think I was cool enough to not be.

14. Did you get suspended or expelled?
No, but seems like I remember conversations with the principal and vice principal about the limits of student press rights when I was editor of the school paper

15. Can you sing the alma matter?
It's Shadow Mountain, It's Shadow Mountain
The pride of every Matador
Sing of our honor, sing of our glory
It's Shadow Mountain now we're for.

Now and forever, always endeavor
To battle on to victory
For we will never stop 'til we're on top,
So fight on, Shadow Mountain, FIGHT

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s)?
Journalism Advisors- Knowles and Slye,
Hist.- Mrs. Hillsbeck, & Mr. Casa
Sci guy- Mr. Menke,
Eng- Mrs. Thompson

17. Where did you sit during lunch?
Outside at a table in front of the planters between the locker bay and the Coke machines.
Better yet, at Liberty Belle Pizza on Greenway

18. What was your school's full name?
Shadow Mountain High School

20. What was your school mascot?
Matadors

21. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
Somedays, I would get better grades and not stress girls so much

22. Did you have fun at Prom?
Junior year I boycotted, Senior year I had a big crush on my date, but we were going as "just friends" because her boyfriend was in the navy (she got back together with him). The morning of I had a fever of 104 and was throwing up. So I got my friend Chris to taker her because he was on leave from the Marine Military Academy so he had an awesome dress uniform and wouldn't have to rent a tux. So now as a teacher, I loath having to chaperone or even take pictures at stupid, useless, expensive proms.

23. Do you talk to the person you went to Prom with?
(you mean who I was supposed to go to prom with?) Not a lot, but she's constantly poking me on Facebook!

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion?
If time and money permit, or as they say here in Iowa, "Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise."

25. Do you still talk to people from school?
Just here on Facebook, which has been awesome.

25 Random Things; another goofy Facebook Thing

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. This is the third time I've tried this because the first time, Facebook ate what I had written and as a result, the second time I did it I was a surly curmudgeon.

2. I'm nervous because I want to make this a wicked cool as the first one was, but I don't really remember much of what I wrote.

3. I spent the first 18 years of my life in the hot Phoenix sun, consequently, I'm looking forward to the Cardinals playing in the Super Bowl win or lose. I LOVE the Diamondbacks, although there's never going to be another team like 2001 with Johnson, Schilling, Grace, Gonzales, etc. etc.

4. For years I've been campaigning to get people to celebrate Arizona Statehood Day instead of Valentines on Feb. 14 and I love mountains, cacti, coyotes, cowboy movies, country music and Mexican food.

5. I've wanted to be a cartoonist since about 5th grade. I'm still an amateur, but I draw as often as I can and I post them at http://tedstoons.blogspot.com. I started in my high school newspaper and then the college newspaper. My editorial cartoons were published for a couple of years in the Charter Oak-Ute Newspaper, Schleswig Leader and Mapleton PRESS. People can even join my cartoon group here on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=19410678559

6. I struggled since about 8th grade with weather or not to become a pastor, but then a few years ago I read a book by Martin Luther called 'The Babylonian Captivity of the Church' (http://www.lutherdansk.dk/Web-Babylonian%20Captivitate/Martin%20Luther.htm) where he explains that pastors are just people and I realized that actually it would be a pretty crappy job and actually, God has a lot more things for me to do, including being a dad, husband, teacher, and coach (and amateur cartoonist for that matter)

7. I'd wanted to be a newspaper columnist since Sophomore year of high school when I joined the school newspaper staff as cartoonist and had to write movie reviews and editorials. Later I became Art Director and finally Editor-in-Chief. Then I had a political column in my college newspaper. I did write a weekly column in the Charter Oak-Ute Newspaper, Schleswig Leader and Mapleton PRESS for around six years. My motto was "Sex, politics and religion- not necessarily in that order," and I tried to alternate between humor, faith, and politics, but got a little wound up by what I saw as the hypocrisy and idiocy of Bush, McCain, and Palin in this last election. You can read it all at http://tedscolumn.blogspot.com

8. I got a BSEd at Concordia University in Seward Nebraska, where I majored in 7-12 History and Art. That's were I met my soul mate, Bethany. Ever hear the one about the Art major and the farmer's daughter? She's a Neddermeyer from Charter Oak with a grandma in Ricketts. Find out about that tiny town here- http://rickettsiowa.blogspot.com

9. My freshman year of college I was on the football cheerleading squad.

10. Concordia placed us at Los Angeles Lutheran MS/HS in Sylmar and the first couple of years it felt like God was punishing me for something, but by the third year or so I feel like I'd become an "Angeleno" which someone once said is like a New Yorker, only on dacaf. Love it, miss it, but not enough to move back. Worried about friends in the fire a few months ago.

11. We lost our apartment in the 1994 Northridge 6.8 earthquake. I had post traumatic stress disorder for years afterward. Still don't like to feel like the ground is shaking underneath me. (trains, plane rides, bridges all give me trouble)

12. I taught History, Art, Newspaper and Yearbook at LALHS and became an elder and taught adult Bible Study at our Church. My wife taught MS History and Religion and became Spiritual Life Director (sort of a cross between chaplain and guidance counseling)

13. My wife was overloaded from coaching both MS and Varsity Cheerleading, our principle discovered in my files that I'd cheered in college and decided to have me coach MS Cheer. Eventually I got "promoted" to Varsity when my wife became Spiritual Life Director.

14. When we had our first daughter, Grace, we decided we wanted her to grow up able to play on grass rather than concrete and closer to grandparents and cousins, so we moved back to Iowa. Bethany is a elementary guidance counselor and English teacher in Mapleton- 16 miles North of Charter Oak and I teach Art, Yearbook, Web Design and coach BOTH MS and Varsity Cheerleading at Boyer Valley- 16 miles South of Charter Oak, that's why we live across the street from the high school in Charter Oak

15. I'm the only male cheer coach at the MS/HS levels that I know of, although there are tons of guys who coach college and all-star squads or work for camp/clinic associations- but they're all way better athletes, and better cheerleaders than me. Some days I feel like Tommy Lee Jones in that movie 'Man of the House,' but mostly I enjoy it because over the years I've had the privilege to hopefully be a father figure or mentor for tons of amazing, brilliant, and talented young women (and a few dudes too, but they were all mascots). You can see my squad at- http://www.cheercoach.blogspot.com

16. My first MS Cheer squad back in 1993 called me "Pappa Bear."

17. If you haven't figured out, I'm kind of a blog-a-holic

18. I have three beautiful little girls, ages 3, 7, and 9. The 7 year old wants to be a cheerleader, of course she also wants to be a pop star like Hannah Montana. The 3 year old wants to be a baseball player (not softball, baseball) and the 9 year old wants to be a farmer (but in Hawaii, not Iowa)

19. Sometimes I miss teaching at a Christian school. For a few years my wife and I were the Youth Counselors for our church. We even went to national gatherings in New Orleans and Orlando. Life with 3 little girls got kinda busy for that, so now instead, my wife leads music for PK-8 Sunday School and I teach high school Bible Study (when kids actually show up.) I think my politics are usually too progressive to have ever been a Missouri Synod Lutheran pastor, but I found a vent for my spiritual, theological, and ecumenical rants on my "Pirate's Blog" at- http://malloryprayer.blogspot.com (did I mention that I'm addicted to blogging?)

20. I originally caucused for Bill Richardson (got to meet him & shake his hand once) but I'm very glad that Obama was elected President. I think his inaugural really paralleled FDR's first inaugural in a lot of ways and I hope that he can handle the massive responsibility and expectations we've piled on him.

21. I like jazz, blues, urban Gospel and vintage R&B, but also U2, Billy Joel and George Straight, but my all time favorite kind of music is anything by Jimmy Buffett

22. I dabble in photography and graphic design (comes from working for the newspaper in the summer and the yearbook, school newsletter, and school website all year) you can sample some of my work, especially if you need some freelance work done at- http://mal-com.blogspot.com

23. Sometimes I'll paint a little and I'm always experimenting with my digital camera. You can see some of my "artsy" stuff at http://malloryart.blogspot.com (did I mention I'm addicted to blogging?)

24. Last summer my triglycerides were way too high and my doctor said I was "pre-diabetic." I switched to decaf (I used to down 6-8 cups a day), cut out carbs and tried to eat less and to walk every day. Somehow I lost somewhere between 25-30 pounds, but I've kind of leveled off and wish I could keep losing, but darn it, I like food. I check my blood glucose levels every other day and so far they're where they're supposed to be and my blood pressure's a lot lower too.

25. I can't believe I got this dumb thing done. Hope Facebook doesn't make it disappear again. I want to totally apologize to everyone who thinks this is too long or boring, and your welcome to anyone who feels like it helped you get to know me better (assuming you wanted to, sorry again if you didn't)

Something deeply meaningful

Last year I felt bad that I hadn't really done any work to pursue cartooning as a career. I made a Jonathan Winters quote as my motto- "if you ship hasn't come in, swim out to it."

I sent columns and cartoons to 8 or 9 syndicates and got rejected by every single one. Boy was I discouraged. This on about the time that I backed out of writing and cartooning for our small local weekly newspaper too (long story, kinda personal) gist of it is it was a hard time for me.

Now realistically I understand that this was only one attempt and most successful professional writers and cartoonists wage campaign after campaign for years before they hit get anywhere. I also have come to understand that most of them also have day jobs. But recently I've been reading "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl and I think I have a very different outlook than I used to. (I know, an existentialist psychiatrist's tale of NAZI concentration camp survival- kind of heavy reading for an aspiring cartoonist right? We're all supposed to be zany and light hearted, right?)

One is finding meaning. I've come to believe that any good artist, and certainly me as a high school Art teacher has the same role as that of a good psychologist- "The logotherapist's role consists of widening and broadening the visual field of the patient (viewer/reader/student) so that the whole spectrum of potential meaning becomes conscious and visible to him."

I know, profound, huh?

Anyway, I also found something else very meaningful in Dr. Frankl's masterpiece:
"Don't aim at success- the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than one's self or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success:you have to let it happen by not caring about it... listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go carry it out to the best of your knowledge... -in the long run- success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it."

So in other words, I'm going to start using reverse-psychology on the universe. The freedom is that there's no pressure. I only cartoon what I want to when I want to and I totally get to cartoon however I want to. Cartooning for cartoons sake. Kind of like art for art's sake. The down side is that posting these cartoons here for free all the time is a lousy business model. I only hope that I can forget to think about how I'm trying to play this sly trick on the universe in hopes that God will reward me by making me an obscenely rich and successful writer and cartoonist someday.

Of course, Frankl also really emphasized that bit about it being "in the loooong run," He actually wrote, "Then you will live to see that in the long run---in the long run, I say!---" and between having adult A.D.D. and the fact that my original campaign of mailing cartoons to syndicates was pretty much my version of a midlife crisis- it's REALLY hard to have the patience for anything real long range. It may be pretty tough to forget to think about how I'm trying to convince Providence that I really couldn't care less. Like a watched pot not boiling, I may have to keep peeking over my shoulder to make sure God's noticing how much I don't care if I ever get to write or cartoon for a living, let alone win a bunch of awards and sell a bunch of books.

This dilemma is what Frankl would refer to as hyper-intention, which is where you want something too much so you end up making it impossible to ever get and hyper-reflection, which is a neurosis where you can't stop thinking about something. These what he contends is the cause of most sexual dysfunction in both men and women. Ah ha, but see, writing this somewhat satirical blog entry poking fun at myself for being so over analytical about it all is what he'd call "dereflecting," or engaging in a therapy known as "paridoxical-intention." That means I'm so charmingly self-efacing in my humorous essay about cavalierly and nonchalantly not caring about whether or not I ever get anywhere as either a writer of cartoonist that God's GOT TO see how sincere I am and go ahead and give me what I USED to want but now couldn't care less about (but if He INSISTED on blessing me that way, I guess I'd have to be gracious and accept it even though I don't really want it anymore). He's just GOT TO!

Isn't this the most sincere pumpkin patch you've ever seen? Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see.

But seriously, I don't know if this is how metaphysics work, or just how my maladjusted mind plays tricks on me, but I know that all through junior high and high school and some of college I was absolutely miserable because I didn't have a girlfriend and finally I told God, "screw it, I give up!" And that's about the time that He dropped my wife into my life. So maybe there is something to it.

Completely coincidentally, I named my religious cartoons "Sheep in wolves' clothing" before I ever read "Man's Search for Meaning," and it's kind of one of his ideas. I THINK I can get away with it without having to pay his descendants or estate any royalties because he didn't quite use the exact same wording- he said "one may howl with the wolves, if need be, but when doing so, one should be, I would urge, a sheep in wolf's clothing." Of course now I feel OBLIGATED to draw more of them and they have to all be amazingly deep and meaningful and powerful and perfect and all that in order to be worthy of the name, so now I've got THAT hanging over me. Sheesh.

Well, they say that a picture is supposed to be worth a thousand words and I always meant to just make this a quick, short little entry here and not bore people with something so flippin' long, so I guess I'll stop now. Dang it! Why can't I ever do ANYTHING right?! Stupid! STUPID!

Photography can blow your mind

The picture of mental health

Red, Blue, Black, and White oil pastels on paper. I'd been teaching 4th graders about Van Gogh but I can see lots of Picasso, Matisse, and Klee influences here too. Plus, it's pretty obvious that I could use some Prozac or something.

People our age

When you’re past your prime, younger people will be sure to let you know.

The other day at cheerleading practice my cheer squad recited a cadence that did just that-

“I don’t know, but I’ve been told…”

“That Mr. Mallory’s really OLD!”

Sure, you have people like Dara Torres, 41, becoming the oldest swimming medalist in Olympic history. You’d think she’d make me see how young I still am and how much potential I still have, but instead, she just makes me feel overweight and unmotivated.

It starts off with psoriasis and mild arthritis in the knees. The next thing you know, you’re calling people in their mid to late twenties “kids.” That could come from teaching. It’s hard to think of anyone who’s young enough to be one of my former students as a full fledged adult. Of course, now that I’ve been teaching more than fifteen years, that means that there are people in their thirties that are just mere kids.

Next came the heartburn and the chronic dry eye. Then comes the gray. It never bothered me too much. My hope was that it would make me look more distinguished. I was just glad to still have my hair, a lot of guys my age aren’t so privileged. So I still have the corny Alfalfa cowlick I had at ten, only now it’s grey.

It’s one thing to get to keep the hair on your head, but why did God decide I needed so much hair in my nose and on my ears?

I’ve endured ridicule from my wife and children about my snoring for years and students and colleagues are always concerned that I’m sick or need to quit smoking. I don’t’ smoke. So this summer I had an appointment with a specialist. He listened to my breathing and ruled out asthma. Then he forced me to endure a battery of tests involving needles on my back that revealed that the only things I’m allergic to are cockroaches and needles.

Next thing I know I’m getting a CaT scan. They inserted me into the science-fiction looking tube and before long had an interactive digital x-ray of my head. It’s a little unnerving to look at your own skull.

Fortunately I didn’t have a chronic sinus infection or a deviated septum. Rather, I’m just a meat-head. Basically these spongy bone things called turbinates in the middle of my nose are too big. The doctor called them sausage looking things and my little sausages are just as big as the big sausages so my nasal passages are too small. Since my sinuses have to work harder, they produce way too much snot. “It’s like an escalator with too many people on it,” he explained.

Bottom line is, I cough all the time because I’m a meat-head.

After a year or two of “borderline high blood pressure,” I decided I had to give up regular coffee. As traumatic as that was, it wasn’t going to be enough. A health screening revealed that all of my cholesterol levels were fine except for triglycerides.

“Do you have a history of diabetes in your family?” the nurse asked. The blood drained out of me as the realization sank in. (Which is ironic because I had to track my blood sugar levels every morning for the next month.) Triglycerides are kind of a sugar/fat thing where your body has broken down the food and needs to deliver it to your cells.

As Doctor Crabb explained it (different doctor, more analogies), insulin is the button that opens the elevator doors so that triglycerides can enter the cells. He said that we used to think that fat was just stored energy, but come to find out it can act like a gland that produces insulin-blockers that prevent your cells from absorbing what they need to, leaving the triglycerides out in the blood stream. In other words, I didn’t have high blood pressure because of clogged or narrow arteries, but because I was too thick blooded. Not to mention just too darn sweet.

By eating better and eating less and hauling by carcass out of bed at an ungodly hour to walk every morning, both the blood sugar and blood pressure are under control.

Dr. Crabb, bless his heart, told me with empathy that “people our age” just have to work harder to take care of ourselves. I could’ve swore I wasn’t his age. I’m obviously much older than I thought. I’m also a very sweet, thick blooded, meathead who’s allergic to needles.

Me and my friend Grant

Here's a picture of my fellow art teacher, Grant Wood, and I hanging out near his studio in Cedar Rapids. We were painting placid scenes of Iowa prairies when he needed a smoke break. Me, I don't smoke, but I do like to lean against trees in Cedar Rapids.

Vote for me

Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper & Schleswig Leader, Thursday, August 2, 2007

Hi there, my name is Ted Mallory, usually I’m a high school teacher and I try to contribute to a local newspaper when I can, but in these last few weeks of summer, I’m trying to get the word out about my candidacy for the Vice President of these united States.

I believe that it is time to restore not just the honor trust of the office of Vice President, but also the mediocrity and passivity that once characterized the job for almost 200 years had kept the Vice Presidency in obscurity.

If there are any things I know about, its mediocrity, passivity and obscurity. I’ve been mediocre, passive, and obscure most of my life and these are the values which I hope to return to our nation’s second highest office.

If elected Vice President, I promise not to declare myself a fourth branch of government.

I promise to always hang out in disclosed (not “undisclosed”) locations.

I promise not to advise any of my or the President’s staff members to ignore subpoenas from Congress.

I promise if elected, not to profit from no-bid contracts to major defense contractors. Heck, I don’t have any stock-options in Halliberton and I’ve never served on any boards of any corporations in the entire military-industrial complex anyway. Or any oil companies either, for that matter.

I promise to never tell any Senators to “(Explicative-deleted) yourself.” Most of all, I promise not to shoot anybody in the face.

I am even willing to go out on a limb here and promise something that may just offer a great deal of assurance to anyone who usually disagrees with my political opinions- In the event that whoever is elected President should die or become incapacitated and I am asked to ascend the that office, I promise that my first act as president would be to appoint Jimmy Buffett Vice President. My second act would be to resign, thus leaving Jimmy the new President.

Most Presidential candidates are megalomaniacs. It would violate the principles of mediocrity, passivity and obscurity to become President, so I could not remain head honcho any longer than it would take to execute the afore mentioned acts.

Jimmy would help us all have a little fun for a while and, I highly doubt that ‘ol Jimbo would run for reelection once his term was done because he may not be obscure or mediocre, but he’d definitely be missing his hammock after too long in office.

I believe that Vice Presidents need to do what they used to do, golf, attend funerals, and miss spell words like potato.

Granted, I’m not very good at golf, but I would be more than happy to hire a Vice Presidential Golf Pro to give me lessons.

Granted, I don’t own a dark suit, but I’m sure that I’ll fit into about the same size a Dick Cheney.

Granted, it seems as if I know how to spell potato, but that’s just because I ran this column through a spell-check.

If elected Vice President, I could make Barack Obama look taller and skinnier. I could make Hillary Clinton seem more feminine. I could make Fred Thompson seem more Southern and paternal. Heck, I could even make John McCain look... well, I guess I could make him look taller and skinnier too.

In summary, if you elect me your next Vice President, I promise you that I will return the office to the same standards once set by such previous Vice Presidents as Levi Parsons Morton, Schuyler Colfax, and Alben W. Barkley.

Who? Exactly.

You're not going to believe this...

Confessions of a wallflower
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper — Schleswig Leader, Thursday, May 3, 2007 – Page 3

You're not going to believe this, but I have a terrible problem with shyness. If you know me you're having a hard time believing it because I've got such a big mouth. But don't confuse being over opinionated and often overbearing with being extroverted.

How can you be shy? You have to stand in front of classrooms full of students and teach them all day. What can I tell you, it's unnatural. It's also one thing to be an adult in front of a bunch of teenagers, but it's quite another to be in front of their parents, your colleagues, or administrators.

I like to imagine that all writers are shy. That's because its easier to relate to a keyboard and computer screen that to other people. I've known many an artist who was infinitely more comfortable with their sketchbook than with human company.

One of the most awkward times in life for shy people is high school. I had cartoons and occasional stories running in my high school newspaper since sophomore year, but my shyness was truly put to the test my senior year. That's when I was drafted into being the Editor. I hadn't applied, like any self respecting shy person, I was content being a contributor. But the only applicants were escaped mental patients so the journalism advisor and the outgoing student editor laid a heaping guilt trip on me that included a heavy mantle of responsibility. I didn't wind up being the best editor they'd ever had, but I like to think I wasn't the worst. I missed our first issue because I made my self sick from the stress of the thing and started the school year home with walking pneumonia.

What being the editor of the school paper has to do with shyness is this; the editor wrote a regular column each issue and the advisor felt it was necessary to run columnist's pictures with their stories. Sort of like our publisher now insists in this paper. The sports editor relished this opportunity to advertise himself to all the eligible girls in our school. I wasn't as sure, but I posed with my 1920's antique Remington anyway.

The picture alone isn't what made the editor's office a shy persons' hell, it was the mini-fame that it established. A shy person can hide pretty easily in a school of 2,600 kids, unless their picture appears in the student newspaper handed out to all 2,600 kids every three weeks in homeroom.

What this meant was that absolutely everyone knew who I was while I knew almost no one. Everyone wanted to tell me what they thought of what I drew or wrote, whereas I would've been more comfortable only having to interact with my immediate circle of four or five friends.

This sort of not real fame, but higher notoriety than the general population is made even worse by the fact that I've always been terrible at trying to remember people's names, let alone placing the correct name with the right face.

"Hi Ted, how's it going?"
"Uh, um, fine, 'whats-your-name,' how're you?"

Don't you feel sorry for my kids? God help our middle daughter Ellen, I'm always calling her by either of her two other sisters' names. Maybe that's why she has the most outlandish and memorable personality of the three. It's nature's way.

People who are more comfortable with themselves and with talking and getting to know others don't understand shy people. They think we're antisocial as if we somehow selfishly want to be left alone. I suppose that's true to a degree, insofar as we'd desperately rather hide inside our comfort zones.

But shy people don't deliberately want to be rude or insensitive, we're just paralyzed by the fear of saying or doing something lame- or, as in my case, we're afraid that we're going to come off as rude and insensitive by not remembering who in the world the person is that we're talking to. When you don't remember someone's name, they tend to feel like you don't like them or don't think they're important enough to care about. But you do care about them, that is why you don't want to have to talk to them- because you don't want to accidentally offend them. So... you avoid talking to them and that doesn't just make you appear "aloof" or "elitist," it makes them feel like you don't like them or that you don't think they're important enough to care about. As you can see, it's a regular "Catch 22."

Once at a community event someone complemented me on my column. It was a huge compliment too, comparing me to a writer I have a huge amount of respect for. But what are you supposed to do with that kind of thing? I said thank you, red faced and awkward. But I didn't know how to say, "now who are you?" Especially because I was pretty sure it was someone who I should've known. I was paralyzed by shyness.

Needless to say, my wife chastised me. After all, I probably made myself look rude, aloof, or elitist and no doubt made them feel like I didn't like them or like I didn't think they were important enough to talk to. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. And if anybody else wants to tell me that I'm not bad at this, please don't be shy.

Watercolor self portraits

April 2007

Works in progress

Here is the oil pastel self portrait that I did with 7th Grade Art. I can't decide if it is done or not and if not, what it needs to make it finished.

Here is the drawing I'm working on of Harry Truman. Kids thought it looked like Donald Rumsfeld, yikes. "Who's Harry Truman?" Double yikes, you ask your History teacher. I know this one is a long way off, but at least that lower right hand quadrant is getting close.

'sno fun

Just in case readers were worried that I couldn't ever get my snow blower started. Notice the Arizona ball cap. Phoenix natives never really get used to Iowa winters.

Pumpkin Killer

My girls like the guts. You draw it, I'll carve it.
Happy Halloween- don't be SCARED to vote NEXT Tuesday.

15 minutes of fame

Now I'm no Andy Warhol, but this was quick and fun. I don't even think that it took me much more than 15 minutes. I had wanted to run an editorial cartoon- or any kind of cartoon with my weekly column in our local paper. I'm away at college taking a web code programming class. Without access to a scanner, I had to think of something else. SO... with a camera and a few minutes in PhotoShop- I think I managed to capture my mood this week.

Like the bed-hair?

The Radical Middle: Part 2

"It is good to grasp on to one and not let go of the other. The man who fears God will avoid all extremes." ~ Ecclesiastes is Chapter 7:18

Last week I wrote about how two political philosophers influenced American history and thinking. Thomas Hobbes believed that most people are basically selfish and incapable of governing themselves, so they need a strong government led by those most fit to lead. John Locke believed that everyone is born a "blank slate" and given the right resources, anyone is capable of making rational decisions, therefore everyone should be able to have an equal input in government. Even our government is designed to reflect these two views.

Congress represents small districts with "common" men and women running every two years. They hold more radical positions on hot-button issues and it's easy for them to pass legislation quickly. Locke would love that kind of direct democracy.

Whereas, the Senators represent entire states, they're generally millionaires, from old wealthy families, or have served for years in other government positions, like the Congress before ascending to the Senate. Things move more slowly there and regardless of which party they're from, they tend to be more cautions and careful, negotiating, deliberating and building consensus before finalizing their decisions. Hobbes would have appreciated that kind of institution.

Like Iowa is stuck in the middle of the country, I've often felt like I was stuck in the middle of Locke and Hobbes' two extremes. Sure I lean to the left a little, some of that is because I loved studying history and I admired Teddy and Franklin Roosevelt, Harry Truman and Dwight Eisenhower, John and Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr. I liked their pragmatic, progressive reforms and vision and I liked the positive changes of the civil rights movment. I saw Joseph Macarthy and Richard Nixon as threatening, powerful demagogues.

But I guess I didn't fit the mold of what many post-sixties conservatives think "liberals" should be like. I didn't "hate" America, I'm not an anarchist, I've never used drugs, I believe in God and strong families and tradition and working hard at a 9 to 5 for a decent wage and living in suburbia.

I was frustrated by the Iran-Contra scandal and the trickle-down economics that favored the rich used byt the Reagan administration, so I joined the Young Democrats of America (YDA) in high school. The YDA was so small that to have any activities, the school had us join together with the Teenage Republicans (TAR). What I noticed was that the YDA's president was the "Alex P. Keaton (Micheal J. Fox)" sort of preppie with the tie and briefcase who always read Time and Newsweek. It was the Republican guys who wore black heavy metal band concert t-shirts and had long hair or shaved heads. Maybe they were more interested in the pizza then policy and ideology.

Then in college, I interviewed for a job at a Democratic National Committee (DNC) phone bank- but frankly I was kind of uncomfortable with all of the women who didn't shave their legs and the men who did. I try not to judge people with all kind of piercings and tattoos or anyone who smokes or uses colorful language, but none of those things are me. And like anyone, I can handle hanging out or working with a few people who are different, but it's hard to be the one and only square for too long.

There are two things about Clinton that I appreciated. First is that he was a fiscal conservative. He insisted on a balanced budget and he eventually managed to begin reducing the national debt. The other is that he reached out to Republicans and independents to fill positions and help decide policy- even though some hard-core conservatives hounded him his entire term. No one had been as bipartisan since Abe Lincoln. But yes, I felt angry and betrayed by his philandering and lying.

Now, I know I whine about this a lot, but it drives me crazy to be torn between two worlds. Liberals don't understand how I can be so religious and so into families and small towns. Christians don't understand how I can call myself a Christian and ever vote for any Democrats, let alone be registered to that party. I just wish that Americans could allow themselves to" grasp on to one and not let go of the other."