"Hi, I'm Ted, and I'm a Writaholic. It's been three days since my last paragraph...

1. Admit we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable. Damn right. If it were manageable, I'd be grading research papers right now instead of writing you. 

2. Come to believe that only a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Then again, there is that whole "Catch-22" factor, I mean, if we're sane enough to realize that this is a problem, then maybe we CAN stop any time we want to. I mean who's to say what the definition of sanity really is anyway?

3. Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. But I don't understand Him, I mean come on- why, why, when there are SO many freaking books in Barnes&Noble, can't God let me be able to make a living at writing. Just a living, I don't have to be THAT rich, or THAT famous. Is that SO much to ask?

4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Don’t you wish that some of those corporate CEOs at the oil companies and sub-prime mortgage lenders would do this? How about our politicians? Aren't we writers BECAUSE we're constantly making searching inventories of ourselves? We're some of the few people on this planet who are actually self-reflective, am I right? Or are we just more neurotic than other people?

5. Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I spend too much time writing. My wife is an English teacher and she doesn't write as much as me. I'll sit there writing at night while she wants me to watch Criminal Minds with her. I'm shameless. I'm supposed to be devising the assignments for my Photography students right now since it's my planning period, but am I planning? No, I'm writing. I can't help it, it's a compulsion.

6. Be ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Yeah right. He made me this way in the first place. I blame Him. I'm like the monster and He's Doctor Frankenstein. If God hadn't wanted me to be a writer, why'd He invent the personal computer? Is it His sick sense of humor to tease me with the internet but never let me make it to actual printed books or magazines? I bet he gets a real kick out of watching me type away. Like someone who just pretends to throw a ball or Frisbee for their dog to fetch because they think it's funny to watch them scurry after the phantom ball, only to be left sniffing around in circles for a toy that isn't there.

7. Ask Him to remove our shortcomings. The thing is, you have to be careful what you wish for. It's like this; do people who suffer from mental illness really suffer? Because if you have amnesia, schizophrenia, Alzheimer's or dementia, or multiple-personality-disorder, you wouldn't realize that you had it right? Some of those you'd forget you had it even if you did, right? So I figure, maybe this would be a good idea, because I wouldn't be so tormented by this love of writing anymore, I mean, does the person who undergoes a lobotomy miss their frontal lobe?

8. Make a list of all the people we’ve hurt and be willing to make amends to them. 

• That lady who said she couldn't believe they let someone like me teach in our schools because I compared John McCain to Herbert Hoover and called Sarah Palin, "Caribu Barbie."
• Those right-wing chicks who figure I'm going to Hell because I said that the way to reduce the number of abortions was to work at eliminating poverty and provide affordable health care rather than simply outlawing it.
• My daughters that time I was late picking them up from whatever practice because I got so caught up in finishing a piece that probably wasn't for anything more important than a blog.
• My friends who want to chat with me online, but I feel like they're bugging me like mosquitoes flying around my face while I'm trying to get work done (work being writing something that will never get published anywhere anyway).
• My wife who wishes I'd watch Criminal Minds with her on the couch with some popcorn.

9. Make direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. I don't know... I love my wife and I enjoy Criminal Minds, but I really don't like popcorn. Frankly, that lady who likes John McCain so well is lost in her own ignorance, let her vote for Donald Trump or Newt or Huck for all I care. I can always find a job in Winnepeg, so long as my wife and kids will move with me. 

10. Continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admit it. Well duh, that's what I'm always doing. Why do writers write? Because we think. That's like asking why birds bird or why bees bee. I admit it, I suck. If I was any good, I'd be Steven King or James Patterson- that doesn't mean I can stop. If I could stop

11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out. As opposed to praying that there's enough money in our bank account to pay all our bills again this month, or maybe praying that I could win the lottery without buying a ticket?

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to share the message with others and practice these principles in all our affairs. That's all I'm doing here. What did you think? That I'm writing this for my health?

My other 9 fingers are getting jealous of my right thumb

I got a new (used) toy for Christmas, an 8 gigabyte ipod touch. I am proud to say that I am using it to read the likes of  Carl Sandburg,  Friedrich Nietzsche, Sigmund Freud, Emily Dickinson, and Mark Twain. This is a wonderful way to pass a 45 minute bus ride to away games during basketball season in Iowa.

However, I am ashamed to say that I haven't written much at all since the addictive little UFO came to live in my breast pocket- and as you all know, I was once a blogaholic.

What can I do? Thumb exercises? There are free apps for training yourself to speed type- but the 2"x1" qwerty board is just not the same. I wonder if this is what Mike Royko felt like when he gave up his old cast iron Remington for an IBM PC.

Also, because I got the AOL instant-messaging app so that my wife can get a hold of me at school all day, my 8 year old niece thinks that I am an facebook and wants to chat with me. Since I don't reply, she thinks I'm a big meanie (not that I understand why her parents allow a second grader to have a facebook account).

While I'm at it, there is this app for LinkedIn, a professional networking site- but who do I REALLY need to network with anyway? I'm just a high school Art teacher. Should I keep that app? Do I network with other Art teachers? I don't really know any. Okay, one- and she wanted to Skype with me, but my wife got my ipod used on eBay so it doesn't have a camera, let alone a front-facing one. What exactly would I Skype with anyone about anyway?

I never wanted the Visaphone on the Jetsons, just the flying car. Of all the things from that show to come true- why the Visaphone? You'd think the vacuum-tube elevators would've been much more fun.

So I ask you, how do I make myself write again? Will I ever write again? Did I only THINK that it was a compulsion and an integral part of who I am? Have any of you found yourselves limiting your writing to 140 characters or less? Have peculiar symbols crept into what little writing you do do, like "@" & "#?" (by the way, I've been reading a lot by Rosanne Cash and Steve Martin too- but not her memoir or his novel- their tweets. I highly recommend them both. Don't get me wrong, Conan's okay and Corbet's a hoot, but BP is over and God's not everything he's cracked up to be.)

So what do you think? Do I just have to FORCE myself to sit down with the old laptop once in a while? Will that be the only way to get really WRITING again? Do you think maybe I should try writing letters? Would that do the trick? Do you think that might get the old juices going again?

Click "like" if you think I should. Share this with anyone you think may be going through the same problem I am. Or else I guess you could retweet it, whatever.

Getting started

Once upon a time I thought about using another one of my blogs,http://cheercoach.blogspot.com as a jumping off point for eventually writing a book about being a male cheer coach. Never have seemed to find the time or the self-discipline.

Once upon a time I thought about using cheercoach.blogspot as a personal journal about the trials and tribulations of being a junior high and high school cheer coach.

But it seems like too many cheerleaders and occasionally parents actually read it and once in a while I'd strike a nerve or otherwise just say something that someone would take issue with. So, in the interest of good PR, I tried to totally back off of that. Which left that blog kind of a fun photo album/scrap book for my cheer squad and a (hopefully) a means of communicating to both those cheerleaders and their parents. Frankly, technology carries on and Facebook gets used a lot more for the things that blogs used to and that blog tends to get neglected.

Writing teacher Anne Lamott says that it's important to allow yourself some "shitty first-drafts." Not only would I like to have the freedom to write things that could be accidentally misinterpreted by anyone. I absolutely love my cheerleaders and mascots. I consider it a privilege to have the opportunity to mentor them. Needless to say, the last thing I'd ever want to do would be to wound, offend, alienate any of them. But what I need as a writer is the opportunity to be raw, subjective, interpretive, occasionally even wrong.

In her book on writing, 'Bird by Bird,' Lamott also talks about how blurring the line between fact and fiction is actually a way to develop meaning and content. As Pablo Picasso once said, "Art is the lie that tells the truth."

I don't intend to deliberately falsify my experiences or misrepresent my students, but I want this blog to be a repository of rough drafts and I don't know whether anything here will go nowhere else but here or be used for fiction, or actually become that book about coaching. So, here we are.

I may or may not use pseudonyms or real names. I may or may not use composite characters. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is very likely, but don't count on it- especially if you're a lawyer. All the memories and opinions on this blog are my own and do not represent those of any of the schools where I have worked, or any of the students I have coached nor their parents. 

Unlike all my other blogs, I won't have this one feed into my facebook page and I won't share it with current or recent cheerleaders or post links to it on my other blogs. Don't get me wrong, I compulsively want readers, but to retain the liberty to write "shitty rough-drafts," I have to make sure that I have an entirely different audience than usual. 

Those of you I invite who have known me or read me for a while, please be patient with me if I post some old works just to get this thing going.

I really would like to be more disciplined as a writer, but more important I'd like to reflect on all the things I've learned and the kids I've known as a cheer coach, and share my perspectives on what I go through- so here we are.

Last night, driving home from the football game, my head was full of ideas for things to start writing already. This morning, it's as if they've evaporated- plus the house needs to get cleaned. But, now that I have this blog set up, I'll have a venue to come to when I have free time. So please come back and consider becoming a "follower," bookmarking this site, or subscribing to the RSS feed. 

Personal Portfolio Reflections

Ted Mallory

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Personal Portfolio Review

I'm not sure what I was expecting when we first started the IWP. I was hoping to be more productive in terms of essays and perhaps fiction, but instead seemed to be a burgeoning poet. 

As of yesterday I was discouraged because I thought that I had failed to take full advantage of the luxury of having time to write, yet Marty seems to imply that I've been quite prolific. 

Initially I was nervous about how applicable the class might be for me and how much I'd be able to contribute since I was the only non-English teacher in the group. My worries were all unfounded because this may well have been the most valuable class for my teaching and professional development that I've taken since I was an undergrad. The amount of applicable and pertinent information and discussion has amazed me.

I have written at least eight new poems and three or four new essays. I also submitted several other pieces for peer and instructor response/input including a couple of poems, a column, an essay and the beginnings of a fiction piece.

I feel much more confident as a poet. In college a couple of my Art professors told me that I seemed to have a good innate sense of design, although my execution needed polish. I feel like I am becoming more comfortable with my instincts in poetry, like my sense of rhythm, where to put a line break, and how to conclude a piece so that it's beginning relates to it's conclusion.  

Maybe because one of the biggest things I gained from the class has been that writing doesn't have to be for an audience, published, or persuasive- I have allowed myself to explore poetry in ways that I previously would've shyed away from. I used to think that poetry had only two practitioners; highly educated intelligentsia who understood and knew how to write it following strict forms and guidelines and pretentious, college students who were trying too hard to be self expressive and non-conformist who only wrote about death and dying and depression. 

What I've learned is that writing is a way of processing thoughts and feelings, a "cognitive strategy," if you will. Poetry is a comfortable, pliable, sometimes impressionistic, sometimes expressive, sometimes abstract and analytical method for me to process.  At once rapid and fluid like a sketch, meanwhile allowing for layers and nuance like a painting. 

Before this month, I felt pedestrian as a poet, guilty that so much of my poetry was stream-of-consciousness writing, embarrassed that it was too awkward or obtuse. This class, between the time and deliberate focus on writing, what I've learned about process and re-writing, and the huge amount of feedback from classmates, instructors, and online cohorts at the eAnthology- has helped me "get my sea-legs." I'm feeling much more comfortable, not to mention confident in all of my writing, but perhaps especially my poetry.

I knew that reading makes for better writers. This class really proved to me how much writing makes you a better reader. I am much more infatuated with the idea of reading that ever before. IWP has really expanded my palate. I once wanted to just read essays and mysteries, and I was a very picky reader. Now I actually crave short stories, memoirs, and other people's poetry. I used to prefer profound classics and road-tested pop-culture. Now my menu is opened to unpublished works, blogs, and new writing and academic writing. 

Reflection: On readers responses to writing

Thursday, July 8, 2010
1:04 PM

Most of what follows was cannibalized/recycled from letters to friends, responses to blog comments, and previous blog posts from about 2 years ago.

I always believed in talking about "sex, politics, and religion- not necessarily in that order," and that it is important to speak the truth as you believe it. But this election (2008) has superheated. I never minded complaints about me or the occasional hate mail, but it got intense. People feel so passionately about their sides that they become angrier and uglier faster.

While other people may be hypersensitive and wrapped up in rancor, I'm probably culpable too. I'm very passionate about what I believe too, so no doubt my tone became more acidic and less light hearted. I had planned to go "cold turkey," and never post anything here if I couldn't write a weekly column too- but obviously I didn't have enough self control for that.

My dream was that being held to the discipline of writing a weekly column might someday lead to being able to write professionally full time. In my mind, blogging was extra, superfluous, a past time- column writing was the meat, blogging the side dish. If this is all I have, I'm just another prattling voice in the vast blogosphere, that hardly anyone ever bothers to read. In the PRESS, it was farm league, small time, but there were 4,000 readers- even if most of them disagreed with me and several of them thought I should be tried for treason.

I'm saddened whenever anyone tries to marginalize or impugn me because I share opinions which I have thought out carefully and hold because I care deeply about our country.

I didn't stop writing a column for the press because of a reader's tirade of a letter to the editor. I stopped because the whole climate and culture of the community where I live has been too polarized and too emotionally charged, and for the sake of my family and loved ones I felt that it would be better 1) not to contribute to that polarization and 2) not subject those close to me to the same resentment, indignation and ridicule which I became a target of because of my opinions.

Although, I will admit that I was getting a lot of hate email and negative blog comments from people and it all compounded on 8 rejection letters in a row from syndicates for either columns or cartoons- so I was both sick of putting up with people's crap feeling sorry for myself.

I wish I could stop writing the way that an alcoholic wishes they could stop drinking. I've tried to stop writing altogether and it's bigger than I am.

Watch This Space

I know, I know, it looks like I've pretty much abandoned blogging here, doesn't it? I guess I've gotten too used to sharing pictures on facebook, so I hardly use this as a photo-blog anymore. I haven't written my column for almost 2 years now. And when I do write, it ends up being in my religious blog, "Prophet, Priest, and Pirate."

But I think that the old flagship here may be seeing a lot more action later on this summer when I attend the Iowa Writing Project at Morningside University. It's 3 week course in July, partly to help teachers integrate writing across their curriculum, and partly to practice the lost art. For years I've done okay with opinion and humor essays, but I think I need to learn some more about fiction. We'll see how it goes. At any rate, I imagine that I will post some of what I work on here.

Meanwhile I have been working on getting all of my blogs to link to one another and compliment one another. I figured out a way to have the posts from most of them automatically show up on facebook, and after much consideration and some consternation, I'm even giving Twitter a try. Much of these developments are due to the conference my wife Bethany and I recently attended at Buena Vista University on technology integration and instruction for 21st century learners (TICL).

As usual, I also plan on cleaning, rearranging, streamlining and updating all of my blogs a little bit this summer. It seems to me that this one in particular could stand a little sprucing up.
Please feel free to explore them all and leave comments on any posts you like. Notice that they all have a similar navigation bar of buttons on the right side to help you explore.

If you'd like a brief explanation of each site, you could visit the "Internet Empire" links page on my new wiki, Mr. Mallory's Art Dog Wiki, which is still under construction, but promises to be a useful way to provide resources for and communicate with students.

If you're interested in reading any of my new writing next month- make sure you look for the link over on the right, toward the bottom that will let you become a "follower" of this blog. I promise that most posts will be a lot more entertaining than this one.

In the meantime, have a great summer and come back soon.

Sample some of my writing

Here is a collection of things I've written that I've posted on http://www.goodreads.com
GoodReads is a sort of a social networking sight for readers. You can write book reviews, join reading groups and discuss your favorite authors. I really recommend it to anyone who loves reading or writing.

Max Nix (Poetry)

description: Years and years of bad free-flow-of-consciousness poetry. No meter, no rhyme, no reason.

These are drippings from as long ago as twenty years ago and as recent as days ago. I don't claim to be a very good poet, but sometimes words can do what even drawing, painting, and photography can't. Here is my humble offering. Maybe you can relate to some of them.

chapter 1: Where am I going? (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 2: Your escape (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 3: My Grandpa's Farm (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 4: 3,000 feet over Prescott (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 5: Loveland (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 6: Being told to shut-up (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 7: Metapoem (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 8: Who I see in you (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 9: Potter to the pot about the wheel (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 10: Grey hair (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 11: Run aground (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 12: Unrealistic expectations (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 13: The last day of November, 1993 (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 14: Tell zombies goodbye (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 15: I wish I had known you (added 03/12/09 )
chapter 16: False start (added 03/12/09 )

Pappa Bear (Sports)

description: How a nonathletic, middle-aged, heterosexual male became a middle school/high school cheerleading coach and the lessons it taught him about life, teamwork, confidence and fatherhood.

Once upon a time I thought about using a blog as a jumping off point for eventually writing a book about being a male cheer coach. Never have seemed to find the time or the self-discipline. But at least one journalist told me that they thought I'd make a good feature story because there are so few male cheer coaches and that maybe I should consider writing a book about it someday. Not much to it yet, but here's a start. You can see pictures of my squads at http://www.cheercoach.blogspot.com

chapter 1: I was a teenage werewolf (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 2: Don't look down (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 3: Thanks, I needed that (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 4: Loud and Proud (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 5: Purpose Driven Cheerleading (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 6: A funny thing happened on the way to the game (added 03/11/09 )

Ted's Column (Humor)

description: Self effacing humor and common sense from the pages of a small town newspaper.

'Ted's Column' has appeared weekly in the Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper since 2002, and then in the Schleswig Leader and the Mapleton PRESS, a regional paper serving several communities in western Iowa.

I wrote about all sorts of things but always tried to infuse the column with humor. My motto was "Sex, Politics, and Religion; not necessarily in that order."

I went on an indefinite hiatus late in 2008, but continue blogging right here!


chapter 1: What the snow-blower taught me. (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 2: Murphy's Law & Order (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 3: The existential angst of an ameture editorial cartoonist (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 4: The first Thanksgiving football game (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 5: Labor Day is a lot of work (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 6: Corny Concerto (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 7: Obscure holiday leaving you a basket case? (added 03/12/09 )

Me ka pule; Pirate prayers and prophecies (Religion & Spirituality)
description: Bible studies, devotions, prayers, and essays on God, faith and spirituality. A former church youth counselor and Bible study leader writes about how God can become real in your everyday life. You can read more religious commentary, at http://malloryprayer.blogspot.com

chapter 1: Fruit of the Spirit; You reap what you sow (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 2: Fruit of the Spirit: Pray for good fruit (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 3: Fruit of the Spirit: Bad fruit and sour grapes (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 4: Fruit of the Spirit; Don't be a scurvey dog (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 5: Fruit of the Spirit; Praise and criticism (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 6: Armor of God; Lighter is stronger, alloy composites (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 7: Armor of God; Spiritual warfare (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 8: Armor of God; Belt of truth (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 9: Armor of God; Breastplate of Righteousness (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 10: Armor of God; Shoes of readiness to share the Gospel of Peace (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 11: Armor of God; The Sheild of Faith (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 12: Beattitudes; Peace Out! (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 13: Beattitudes; Are you salty & luminous? (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 14: Beatittudes; Revolutionary (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 15: Beattitudes; 8 ways to be blessed (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 16: Lord’s Prayer; In our own words (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 17: Lord's Prayer; Praying the Lord's Prayer for someone else (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 18: Prayer of Jabez; Bless us indeed (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 19: Prayer of Jabez; How to Bless Your Neighbors Through Prayer (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 20: Prayer of Jabez; Enlarge my territory (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 21: Prayer of Jabez ; that your hand would be with me (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 22: Prayer of Jabez ; keep me from evil (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 23: Fruit of the spirit; True Love (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 24: Fruit of the Spirit; Joy (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 25: So, what does God want from me anyway? (added 03/13/09 )
chapter 26: Why I'm a priest but not a pastor (added 03/13/09 )

Politics & Religion (Religion & Spirituality)
description: Thomas Jefferson once said, "I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just." I feel like Christianity has been Shanghaied by people who say they love Jesus, but act more like disciples of Machiavelli.

So, like Luther posted his 95 Theses on the church door in order to incite critical thinking and provoke discussion and debate about the hypocrisies of the church in his time- I started posting things here that may challenge Christians to question their motivations and positions on things in our society and politics.

I don't mean to undermine anyone's faith or to promote heresy, but when I read Jesus' Words, especially in Matthew 5 and Luke 6, I see something radically different than what televangelists, radio prophets and Republican politicians espousing. Scurvy, bilge-sucking, sons of biscuit-eaters!

This all makes me feel like a mutant, a freak, and an outcast. Conservative Christians fear for my eternal salvation whereas secular liberals see me as part of the problem and not the solution. So in the so-called "culture wars" I'm caught in the cross-fire because I think that both sides are wrong and neither side wants to hear it.

Most of these were either columns or posts on this blog, but you can read my prayers, devotions, and religions rants on http://malloryprayer.blogspot.com

chapter 1: What the Fourth is for (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 2: Middle East untangled (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 3: History repeating (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 4: Why Republicans should be proud to be liberal (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 5: Be thankful you didn't live in the past (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 6: Pastor Marty (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 7: Raiders of the lost R's (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 8: Christian Nation? (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 9: Crass comment cuts off debate (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 10: Need for non-profit prophets (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 11: Don't be afraid to just knock (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 12: You'll know a tree by it's fruit (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 13: Sermon on the mount (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 14: Discussing "wedge issues" civilly (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 15: What would Jesus email? (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 16: Judas betrays Christ again (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 17: WHat would Jesus talk about? (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 18: Radical Middle (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 19: Birthday present shopping (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 20: The Gospel according to Nashville (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 21: Hell is a Gilligan's Islans marathon (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 22: A conscientious objector in the war on Christmas (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 23: Wrong man for the job (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 24: Sad to be an American? (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 25: Must have touched a nerve (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 26: If I were a Supreme Court Justice (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 27: Son rise (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 28: Attitude of gratitude (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 29: Republican translation (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 30: 'Magic Negro' makes strange bedfellows (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 31: Christian Democrat? Hell yes! (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 32: Veteran of the culture wars suffers PTSD (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 33: Jesus a 'Socialist?' (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 34: Strange fruit and sour grapes (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 35: When will the truth finally set us free? (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 36: Jefferson Portrait (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 37: A problem 30 years in the making (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 38: Gambling with other people's money (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 39: Dog eat dog (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 40: This is our moment (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 41: Romney will be whatever you want him to be (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 42: Too many sides to too many issues (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 43: Wedge issues a problem (added 03/11/09 )
chapter 44: Advice on your 228th Birthday (added 03/12/09 )

Something deeply meaningful

Last year I felt bad that I hadn't really done any work to pursue cartooning as a career. I made a Jonathan Winters quote as my motto- "if you ship hasn't come in, swim out to it."

I sent columns and cartoons to 8 or 9 syndicates and got rejected by every single one. Boy was I discouraged. This on about the time that I backed out of writing and cartooning for our small local weekly newspaper too (long story, kinda personal) gist of it is it was a hard time for me.

Now realistically I understand that this was only one attempt and most successful professional writers and cartoonists wage campaign after campaign for years before they hit get anywhere. I also have come to understand that most of them also have day jobs. But recently I've been reading "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl and I think I have a very different outlook than I used to. (I know, an existentialist psychiatrist's tale of NAZI concentration camp survival- kind of heavy reading for an aspiring cartoonist right? We're all supposed to be zany and light hearted, right?)

One is finding meaning. I've come to believe that any good artist, and certainly me as a high school Art teacher has the same role as that of a good psychologist- "The logotherapist's role consists of widening and broadening the visual field of the patient (viewer/reader/student) so that the whole spectrum of potential meaning becomes conscious and visible to him."

I know, profound, huh?

Anyway, I also found something else very meaningful in Dr. Frankl's masterpiece:
"Don't aim at success- the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than one's self or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success:you have to let it happen by not caring about it... listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go carry it out to the best of your knowledge... -in the long run- success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it."

So in other words, I'm going to start using reverse-psychology on the universe. The freedom is that there's no pressure. I only cartoon what I want to when I want to and I totally get to cartoon however I want to. Cartooning for cartoons sake. Kind of like art for art's sake. The down side is that posting these cartoons here for free all the time is a lousy business model. I only hope that I can forget to think about how I'm trying to play this sly trick on the universe in hopes that God will reward me by making me an obscenely rich and successful writer and cartoonist someday.

Of course, Frankl also really emphasized that bit about it being "in the loooong run," He actually wrote, "Then you will live to see that in the long run---in the long run, I say!---" and between having adult A.D.D. and the fact that my original campaign of mailing cartoons to syndicates was pretty much my version of a midlife crisis- it's REALLY hard to have the patience for anything real long range. It may be pretty tough to forget to think about how I'm trying to convince Providence that I really couldn't care less. Like a watched pot not boiling, I may have to keep peeking over my shoulder to make sure God's noticing how much I don't care if I ever get to write or cartoon for a living, let alone win a bunch of awards and sell a bunch of books.

This dilemma is what Frankl would refer to as hyper-intention, which is where you want something too much so you end up making it impossible to ever get and hyper-reflection, which is a neurosis where you can't stop thinking about something. These what he contends is the cause of most sexual dysfunction in both men and women. Ah ha, but see, writing this somewhat satirical blog entry poking fun at myself for being so over analytical about it all is what he'd call "dereflecting," or engaging in a therapy known as "paridoxical-intention." That means I'm so charmingly self-efacing in my humorous essay about cavalierly and nonchalantly not caring about whether or not I ever get anywhere as either a writer of cartoonist that God's GOT TO see how sincere I am and go ahead and give me what I USED to want but now couldn't care less about (but if He INSISTED on blessing me that way, I guess I'd have to be gracious and accept it even though I don't really want it anymore). He's just GOT TO!

Isn't this the most sincere pumpkin patch you've ever seen? Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see.

But seriously, I don't know if this is how metaphysics work, or just how my maladjusted mind plays tricks on me, but I know that all through junior high and high school and some of college I was absolutely miserable because I didn't have a girlfriend and finally I told God, "screw it, I give up!" And that's about the time that He dropped my wife into my life. So maybe there is something to it.

Completely coincidentally, I named my religious cartoons "Sheep in wolves' clothing" before I ever read "Man's Search for Meaning," and it's kind of one of his ideas. I THINK I can get away with it without having to pay his descendants or estate any royalties because he didn't quite use the exact same wording- he said "one may howl with the wolves, if need be, but when doing so, one should be, I would urge, a sheep in wolf's clothing." Of course now I feel OBLIGATED to draw more of them and they have to all be amazingly deep and meaningful and powerful and perfect and all that in order to be worthy of the name, so now I've got THAT hanging over me. Sheesh.

Well, they say that a picture is supposed to be worth a thousand words and I always meant to just make this a quick, short little entry here and not bore people with something so flippin' long, so I guess I'll stop now. Dang it! Why can't I ever do ANYTHING right?! Stupid! STUPID!

A note from Bedford Falls

One of my friends once complained that it was too hard to keep up with my blogging because I have too many of them. Guess I'm one of those kinds of people who likes to compartmentalize things. There's a blog for students with assignments and resources, there's the blog for photography and artwork, the one for cheerleaders, the one with prayers and devotions and rants on religion... Then there was this one, the flagship. Initially it was just meant to be the repository for columns that ran in the town paper, then I used it for additional political commentary. Now I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I've never intended to use it as some kind of public diary. I figure, who wants to read just another whiner on the web?

But this has been a challenging week, with the loss of my brother-in-law. I still don't think it would be entirely appropriate to just open up and spew every kind of thought and feeling here in the open. That wouldn't honor my family and their feelings and privacy, let alone his memory.

However, I would like to thank all of you who have shown your sympathy and concern for our families. And for me. At first I figured, it's my job to be strong for my wife and that I really wasn't entitled to much grief of my own. But several of you showed your individual concern for me specifically and I want you to know that it meant a great deal to me.

I also want to thank everyone who's shared with me that you miss my column or wish that it would return. I can't tell you how meaningful your support is. For a while, I was beginning to think that it wasn't just a hobby, but maybe a "true calling." Alas, that doesn't seem to be what God has in mind after all.

Perhaps more than anyone, those of you who prefaced those sentiments with things like "I didn't always agree with you on everything." I mean, dyed in the wool conservatives and people who's views are usually diametrically opposed to mine have said very kind and encouraging things about my writing. If only the handful of people who think that my column "ruined" the paper, felt the same way.

Special thanks to those of you, relatives, neighbors, and even web-readers who've shared that what things I've written have touched you or meant something to you.

Special thanks to our Pastor, Richard Merrill for how he has let God work through him for our family through this whole ordeal. To Rev. Carla from Dunlap for her call to me and her prayer. To Lori and Karen from school (and formerly from school) for their kindness and concern. And to my Brother for his call and his counseling. To my other brother-in-law for treating me like a brother. To all my wife's friends who responded to my emails asking them to hold her up in prayer. And for the chance to visit with Cory's best friends, Alan and Kevin, Friday and Saturday.

To everyone who came through the viewing or to the funeral. I don't know how many people I said this to in the last few days, but the outpouring of love and support from the community reminds me of the last scene in the Christmas movie, It's A Wonderful Life. If only Cory could have let himself accept or be aware of how many people liked and appreciated him, perhaps he'd still be with us.

I'd like to encourage everyone to watch that classic film with new eyes this year. Knowing that there are people suffering with fear and doubt and disillusionment out there- make the extra effort to let everyone you know that they're important to you. And when you yourself are at your most stressed and despairing, realize that your life touches many, many others and even if you're never aware of it, you make a difference, we all need you, and there are always people out there who want to help you if you'll just let them in.

Reader Appreciation Day

Reader Appreciation Day
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper — Schleswig Leader, Thursday,March 29, 2007 – Page 3

Five years ago when I began writing this column I decided that my mandate would be “Sex, Politics, and Religion… not necessarily in that order.” I figured that I didn’t know enough about sports, farming, or the weather to talk about any of them very well. I also hoped to provoke some thought and discussion once in a while, even if that risked rattling a few cages once in a while. Thank you for reading.

Obviously, I indulge in plenty of politics and religion. I’d like to think that my approach to both comes from the angle of a former history teacher; informative, analytical, perhaps even persuasive- rather than lecturing or preaching- but I know that I lapse into ranting pretty easily. As a polite neighbor I ought to apologize for doing that when it comes to politics because it seems like taking advantage of the having a forum to blow off steam without having a lot of consideration or empathy for those who would disagree. I ought to apologize, but I guess I’d rather rely on your understanding that I’m entitled to my opinions and so are you and have you either take me with a grain of salt, take my ideas under advisement, or take page three and use it to wrap a fish, line a litter box or start a fire, whichever you prefer. Thank you for still reading.

We can agree to disagree, I only hope that you appreciate that my intentions are sincere, I love my country and believe in the ideals embodied in it’s founding documents, including the Constitution and Bill of Rights. No doubt many of the people who most vehemently disagree with what I write feel the same way. I hope that you all know that I my love and respect for the hard working, God-and-country-loving, proud families of rural Iowa is deep and unwavering, even when I can’t begin to fathom why on Earth they can hold some of the harebrained opinions that they do. I’d like to think that such affection is not unrequited, even when I irritate you so much that you can’t see straight, but I’ve had at least one reader threaten to cancel their subscription, so I know that it may be that I’m far more enamored of you than you are of me. Thank you if you’re still reading.

By the way, as antagonistic as I may be toward the current administration, I’m still pretty much a moderate centrist by national standards. Anyone who really thinks that I’m outrageously liberal wouldn’t know one if they bit you in the posterior, and while we’re at it sociologists predict that the entire country is gradually shifting back to the left again after about a forty years of leaning the other way, so if you think I’m bad, you may as well try to get over it. And thank you for reading anyway.

As for religion, the late Charles Schultz, creator of the Peanuts comic strip would’ve argued that it is a cartoonist’s prerogative to sermonize. Since I’ve never received any feedback to indicate otherwise, I am under the impression that where we may differ on occasion politically, we must see more eye to eye theologically regardless of any of our denominational differences. Thank you for that.

I probably get the most responses when I write about the funny things my kids say and do or the trials and tribulations of parenting. Thank you for letting me know you enjoy it.
My wife is always trying to steer me away from the politics to the humor. I know she just wants people to like me and I have to admit that if I could, I’d love to be another Dave Berry or Erma Bombeck, but I have to tell you, even when you have kids for inspiration, it’s really hard to be funny. It’s actually a lot easier to be full of facts and fury. Still, I’ll admit that a secret ambition of mine is to be taped to a refrigerator, a work cubical or bulletin board, or a college professor’s office door and all of those things are far more likely if you’re funny and heartwarming than poignant or a blood pressure stimulant. That goes for cartoons too, Garfield and Family Circus make the front of the refrigerator a lot more than anything on the Op/Ed pages. Thanks for putting up with me, Honey.

By the way, one time our baby-sitter was laughing so much about something I wrote about our five year old daughter, Ellen, that her older sister Grace told her “Thanks a lot for embarrassing me, Ellie!”

All this introspection may make it sound like I’m leading up to an announcement that I’m quitting or something. Not at all, (sorry to that person who wanted to cancel their subscription). It just occurred to me how lucky I am to get to write here every week, I thought that you deserved to know that I appreciate it. Thank you for reading. Please don’t stop.


WEB EXCLUSIVE: By the way, the fact of the matter is that there is selfish motivation there too- not so much that I have some sinister agenda to proselytize every reader to Christianity or to Missouri-Synod Lutheranism, but when all is said and done, it’s in me and I have to let it out. They say that you learn the most by teaching and that love isn’t love until you pass it along, well what can I tell you, but I read the Bible or learn about God and I want to share it. It just happens that I write a weekly small-town newspaper column, so guess how it comes out. Thank you for reading when it does.

When I first started writing four years ago I’d only lived here for about a year, although I’d wanted to for at least ten. I’d also moved here from Los Angeles, the second largest metropolis in the U.S. and the most widely strip-mall infested, billboard laden and concrete-covered one. Consequently I was very enamored of living in the beautiful, sparsely populated, rolling prairie countryside. So as each new season came on, I’d wax poetic about how lucky we are to smell wet grass and cattle instead of smog or see green, yellow, brown or white instead of grey. I guess that’s something I don’t do so much anymore, sorry if you liked it. Thank you for not littering.

There’s at least one reader who’s asked me two or three times over the years why I don’t publish these columns in a book (and it wasn’t even my mother). As they used to say on the wine-cooler commercials, thank you for your support.

Unfortunately, the surest way for that to happen would be to self-publish and I just have to tell you that I haven’t got the time or the money. The traditional way for that to happen is to compile them, edit them more, print them out, copy them off, compose cover-letters and proceed to submit them to publisher after publisher until one of them miraculously would choose to buy them and put them out as a book. Humbly, I don’t know that I’m that good of a writer. Frankly, I don’t know that I have the time, energy, ambition, or attention-span enough to do it, And candidly, my ego is way to fragile for that much rejection. Getting cartoons syndicated is an even more brutal process that I won’t even get started on. Thanks for your pity.

I never have talked about sex much and I suppose that I’m better off not doing so, mostly it’s just not polite, and while I’d like to be frank and even a little personal with you, gentle reader, I’m afraid that we’d both agree that that would be a little too personal. You’re welcome.

Ted Mallory lives in Charter Oak and teaches at Boyer Valley Schools in Dunlap. ‘Ted’s Column’ has appeared weekly in the Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper since 2002. If you’d like to see any of Ted’s editorial cartoons bigger and brighter, you can visit http://tmal.multiply.com/photos/album/2

Fairly balanced, sometimes, sorta

Fairly balanced, sometimes, sorta
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper - Schleswig Leader, Thursday, October 26, 2006 -Page 3

A reader from Ute pointed out to me that a couple of weeks ago, when writing about how many things are observed in October, I omitted two important ones; Domestic Violence Month and Respect for Life Month. I’d apologize for the omission, except that as the reader noted in their letter to me, neither of these things are “much good for joke fodder.”

There’s never any reason to harm your spouse, children or any other family members or cohabitants. Wrong is wrong and domestic violence is wrong.

Respect for life is always a good thing. The problem is semantics and how insanely passionate some people get about life. One person may think that respecting life should include opposing war and the death penalty. Someone else may be vehemently opposed to abortion and euthanasia, but can’t for the life of them, can’t see how I can that first person can be possibly defend their positions. A third person may include all life, not just humans, so they’re opposed to butchering any animals or stepping on bugs or even cruelty to plant life. Pretty soon all three of these people are so angry with each other that they just about want to kill each other.

So there you have it, these are not things that are easy to joke about.

Well, wait..let’s at least try: Mutt: “Hey Jeff, how many times a week do you hit your wife?” Jeff: “Why you $X%&! Who told you I hit my wife? I’ll KILL ‘em! Ya hear me?! Tell me or I’ll kill you too!”

Okay, you’re right. Neither of those things are all that funny.

The point was that here we think that it’s fire-safety month or some people get bent out of shape because they hear that it’s Hispanic Heritage month and really it’s everybody and their brother’s cause-du-jour month. Or actually “du mois” or maybe “de la semaine,” but I don’t know because I don’t speak French.

Call it satire, call it trying to come up with an idea every week and looking to the calendar for inspiration.

And by the way, it’s that way every month. Mark your calendars now for “Waiting For the Barbarians Day” November 4, “Marooned Without a Compass Day” November 6, and the ever popular, “Start Your Own Country Day” November 22.

But thank you, you know who you are, for your letter. It’s always good to know that someone, somewhere is actually reading. Unless you want to send hate mail, then you can keep it to yourself, I’m very sensitive.

No, seriously- whether you agree with me, or disagree with me you should always write a letter to the editor. If you disagree with me, they your opinion will be heard, if you appreciate anything I write, then the publishers will have concrete evidence that might persuade them to keep me around.

I’d just as well take this opportunity to remind you that The views expressed here are not necessarily those of this newspaper, the publishers, Enterprise Publishing, the other staff members, or any of the subscribers.

I say that not only so you don’t assume that any of them condone any of what I write here, let alone share any of my opinions, but uh, well, uh...nope, that’s pretty much why I told you that.
My mother worries that maybe I should apologize to gubernatorial candidate Jim Nussle for the cartoon that I drew of him and Congressman Steve King weeks ago comparing them to NAZIs for proposing that America declare one official language. I’m sure he’s a nice enough guy, from everything I’ve read and seen, he’s more reasonable than Steve King, I have nothing personal against Nussle, I certainly hope his feelings weren’t hurt- but I still think that it’s an unnecessary, discriminatory, nationalistic, jingoistic policy and those are the kind of policies that NAZIs came up with in Germany, also he looked funny. That’s the point of a political cartoon, to make a point and be funny.

Besides, Nuissle is the Congressman for the First District, over by Des Moines, so I hardly imagine that he saw that cartoon. Combined, the Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper and the Schleswig Leader have a readership just over 2,000 and we’re in the Fifth District. There’s probably just as slim a chance that Steve King has seen my columns or cartoons either, even though he is our Fifth District Congressman, but you know what? He’s put his foot in his mouth enough and basically made a nest that he has to sit in as a wing-nut, so I don’t feel too sorry for him.

My wife considered the body of work of cartoons since this summer and suggested to me that I may be a little biased. “Where are the cartoons criticizing the Democrats?” she asked.
Who’s in power? Hard to make fun of people for doing stupid things when they aren’t in a position to do anything...

Ha ha, okay, okay, you’re right, that was a pretty good line, though, right? No? You were saying, “yeah, and I bet you have some great ocean front property to sell us in Arizona too?” You got me, I’m biased. In fact, I’m worry that if the Democrats gain control of the House and Senate next month it will be like baseball in October without the Yankees- there won’t be anyone to be mad at.

Be that as it may, I promise to TRY to be an equal-opportunity offender, if the opportunity should ever arise. Let’s just wait and burn that bridge when we come to it, shall we.
Now, I’d like to tell you why I think that you should vote for Democrat Joyce Shulte to represent the Fifth District in Congress...

Shoot! Dang, drat! Look at this? People are going to keep saying that Democrats only criticize the opposition without- (sorry ran out of room).

exposing and opposing arbitrary power by speaking and writing truth

Ted, here is a little comment about your column this week.

----------
From:
Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2006 12:50:27 -0500
To: <mpress@longlines.com>
Subject: Mallory column

What exactly is that column suppose to be? Opinion, editorial, news article ? The column in the Oct. 19th

Paper was totally out of line. If it is an opinion column it should be named as such if it is the views of your paper, I am sure you will lose a lot of subscribers, republicans and democrats a like.

A republican with self respect,

At least one reader was very offended by my column that ran Oct 19 that skewered Fifth District Congressman Steve King. I never enjoy having people angry with me or disliking me, so in the tradition of so many American politicians, I’d like to offer a non apologetic apology: I’m sorry if anyone was offended that I so severely criticized Congressman King, but I’m also sorry to have to tell you, that I’m not sorry for criticizing him.

We all have the right to redress our government for grievances, we all have the right to free speech and free press. I’m constantly encouraging readers to submit their own writing, letters, comments, opinions or otherwise for publication. Many of King’s positions, actions, attitudes, and especially things he’s said have grieved me and embarrassed me. I’m sorry if my being offended by him offends any of you. I’m sorry if more people aren’t grieved, embarrassed or offended by King, I think that that either means that they aren’t paying much attention or that they don’t care. I’m also sorry if King hasn’t grieved or embarrassed everyone in our district, because that means he’ll probably get reelected. It’s just a really sorry situation all around.

In 1935, Andrew Hamilton told a New York court that New York Weekly Journal publisher Peter Zenger should not be locked up for criticizing Colonial Governor William Cosby because freedom of the press “is not of small nor private concern nor is it the cause of a poor printer, nor of New York alone. No, it may affect every Freeman to deny the liberty of both exposing and opposing arbitrary power by speaking and writing truth.”

I’ve always thought that this was something noble to aspire to; exposing and opposing arbitrary power by speaking and writing truth. Granted, I may look at the facts and interpret the “truth” differently than someone else. That should make you think, maybe even rile you up, but it doesn’t have to raise your blood pressure too much or cause you to cancel your subscription.

One should just assume that any newspaper column is an opinion piece and that the opinions are those of the columnist, not of the paper itself or anyone else. Even sports columns, food columns, and humor columns. I wanted to be an editorial cartoonist since I was in sixth grade. That’s probably part of why, when I attended Concordia Teacher’s College, a Church school, I majored in History and Art. You can guess what some of my great passions are; American history and politics, faith and theology, and helping people understand things. If I can do these things with a little humor, all the better.

What’s wonderful about this column is that by promising to talk about “sex, politics, and religion…not necessarily in that order” I’m free to write about political issues, religious issues, and silly or funny things without being restricted to writing in only one of these categories.

I can’t help it if Steve King is a drip who embarrasses me. I suppose that you can’t help it if I’m an over-opinionated left-winger who offends you. I’m sorry that that’s the way things go.

Sorry.

What I did on my summer vacation

What I did on my summer vacation

Twenty-four years ago my buddy Jason and I decided we were going to be comic book artists.

Twenty-two years ago I was inspired by the cool clipart in my youth group’s newsletter. The youth minister sought our submissions- stories, poems, jokes and cartoons. At that point I decided three things, one was that magazine gag cartoons and comic strips were just as cool as comic books and I was going to draw them. The third was that laying out a newsletter, newspaper, magazine, etc. was really cool.

Twenty-one years ago I discovered a section of the Phoenix Gazette that I’d overlooked. Once a week, high school students from all over the metro area contributed stories, pictures, and a comic strip to ‘the Teen Gazette,’ which ranged from one to four pages, depending on the week. I also noticed that the cartoonist was a graduating Senior. That’s when I decided to become a cartoonist. I drew up a few samples and submitted them to the Teen Gazette. They ran them and kept running them for the next four years.

That fall I discovered what I thought was the coolest thing of all time- Shadow Mountain High School had it’s own newspaper! Anywhere from four to twelve pages, depending on the month. I told the advisor that I was already drawing a comic strip in the Teen Gazette, he and the student-editor asked me to draw editorial cartoons. Naturally, I decided to become a political cartoonist.

Sophomore year they made me “Art Director” and put me on staff full time. It was a class that I got credit for. I was in heaven. It was hard work, working with blue pencils and dummy-sheets, an off-set typesetting machine, line-tape, pica rulers and exacto blades. Late work nights and difficult deadlines, but I loved it. I decided that the cartooning field was too competitive, so I would become a graphic designer, just in case.

I had “Journalism” put on my class ring. I wondered if that was wise, so much could change in a year or two.

Toward the end of Junior year, the student-editor and advisor asked me to apply to be editor. I balked at the responsibility. They pressed. The only other candidates weren’t as qualified. I caved, and I paid for it. It was even harder work and mounds of stress, but I was glad I did it. That year I decided that if I could ask a genie for anything, it would be to get to be a newspaper columnist. Of course I knew that the real-life route there was a lot more difficult than I’d ever choose to travel.

Seventeen years ago I opted not to actively pursue the editor’s chair of my college paper, but I did draw cartoons for it, both political and otherwise. I even got called to the President’s office about one once. And I got to write a political column some too.

Fourteen years ago my fiancé’ managed to land me a job at Lyon Publishing. She’d worked for the Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper throughout high school and was yearbook editor. I remember the smell of press ink in the office when I first came entered. It was like the smell of sawdust for circus folk.

That was the year of Charter Oak’s centennial. I had to sell ads for a special edition, and for a Platte book. Mike Lyon taught me a lot and Barb Lyon seemed to like my cartoons.

Years past and I became a high school Art teacher, Yearbook, and Newspaper Advisor.

Three years ago, I asked Mike Lyon if I could work for him that summer. What a treat. That year I learned what the newspaper business was really like. Difficult, but a joy.

At the end of that summer, I wrote a column called “What I did on my summer vacation.”

Last spring, I BEGGED Mike to hire me for another summer. They needed someone to help fill some gaps. This has been an emotionally difficult summer for Lyon Publishing, as anyone close to the papers knows.

I don’t know how much I was able to help. If anything, I got more than I gave. I learned even more and I got to do things I love and got paid for it.

I can only hope that I was able to help and contribute enough to make me worth it to them. I’d like to thank the Lyons for giving me a chance, and teaching me so much. I’d like to thank their staff for being so friendly, and including me as one of the family.

I’d also like to remind readers how lucky they are, in such small towns to have such nice newspapers. I encourage all of you to support them by contributing your stories and pictures, renewing your subscriptions, and of course by advertising.

Quote about writing

Samuel Johnson said "no man but a blockhead ever
wrote except for money."

I guess I must be a blockhead.

Why don’t you ever write?

Why don’t you ever write?
by Ted Mallory Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper Thursday, October 28, 2004

"Do you ever get nasty phone calls about stuff you write in the paper?” asked a friend from Ute the other day. I guess I thought that they were worried about me. Only later, when we were leaving school and getting into our cars did I notice the “W” sticker prominently displayed on their bumper. Maybe it wasn’t worry, maybe it was a hint.

Actually no one’s ever called. What I want to have happen is for readers to write letters to the editor. Since I’ve been writing this column, that’s only happened once. They did a very good job too, and I agreed with what they wrote, even though they were motivated to write it because their disagreed with me.

A few times people have written in “A Note of Thanks” to the paper for something they linked. And a couple of times I’ve received notes or letters directly, that were positive. Thank you, by the way, those always mean a lot to me.
Last year, one of my Journalism students, an Eagle Scout, wrote a letter to another newspaper. His opinion was that he thought that the city employees in his town should have a dress code, so that they’d look more professional.

Some one was so frustrated by what he wrote that they sent him anonymous hate mail, and crank called him. It turned out to be an adult. There was even some suspicion that it was his former Scout Master! Yikes.

I WANT you to write to the NEWSpaper. Even if its in response to or in disagreement with me. There are three reasons that I want you to write. One is for feedback to this column.

Another is because we don’t know how lucky we are to even HAVE a newspaper. Are you kidding me? Two towns as small as ours? If you appreciate having our own paper, please contribute your news, stories, letters, opinions, photographs, anything you can think of. I wouldn’t be surprised if Lyon Publishing would even welcome book and movie reviews, recopies, memories and even poems!

Finally, I want to encourage you to write the paper because it is your First Amendment right! Lets make the NEWSpaper our “forum,” a public meeting place for open discussion, debate and expression of ideas.

A newspaper is a grown-up, sane, civilized, respectable, and fun way to discuss and debate. Crank phone calls, anonymous hate letters, bricks through windows, toilet-papered trees, and burning crosses on lawns are decidedly NOT fun or civilized, let alone grown-up.

My goal is not to indoctrinate or to win arguments. My goal in this column is to make you think. If I make you laugh or touch you somehow- bonus. If I do manage to persuade you to my point of view, double bonus.

Ah, but if I help you understand different points of view while solidifying your own opinion-even if it’s the complete opposite of mine- that’s bonus too. That’s the role of a free press and of a public forum.

You can drop your letters off in the Ute office, or mail them to Lyon Publishing in Mapleton. You can email them to their office at mpress@longlines.com. Or you can send it to me at coachmallory@hotmail.com.

You could use a letter-to-the-editor to explain something, to try to persuade people to do something, to warn readers of the consequences of some action or inaction, to criticize something, to propose a new idea, or to praise something or someone. I call that an Oprah-torial, when you call attention to unsung heroes or promote books or products that have really impressed you. Here are some tips on writing letters-to-the-Editor:

· Keep it short and on one subject. Under 300 words is best. I know, I know, this is a case of “do as I say, not as I do”

· If it’s to a paper other than this one, try to make it related to something that appeared the newspaper. While some papers print general commentary, many will only print letters that refer to a specific article.

· Be careful to avoid libel, that’s when you deliberately write something that’s not true in order to hurt someone’s reputation. One good way is to deal with issues, policies or actions, rather than dealing with personalities. Another is to be sure you’ve got your facts straight.

· Offer a solution, an alternative, a course of action. Don’t just complain. Teddy Roosevelt called people who did that “Muckruckers.” Ever rake manure after it had started to dry? You made it start stinking again didn’t ya? That’s muck-rucking.

· Try this simple outline. Three paragraphs; An introduction that points out the problem and your position, A main body that provides facts and sound reasoning that supports your position, and finally a conclusion that restates your opinion and urges the reader to take action.

Please write soon and write often. We look forward to hearing you. And while you’re at it, don’t forget to vote Tuesday- even if it’s because you want to try to cancel out my vote! Not only is it your right, it’s your duty! What’s more, if you don’t vote, then you won’t deserve to complain.

Tips for better writing

by Ted Mallory
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper Thurs. Sept. 30, 2004

Let’s face it, one of the things we’d all like to see in the media is a little more self-criticism. People just don’t trust the press anymore and with good reason. On the Republican bad list, no doubt is Dan Rather at for the flap about memos alleging that President Bush was A.W.O.L. when he should’ve been reporting to National Guard duty.

Democrats still want to know why CNN commentator Robert Novak released the name of a CIA operative who’s the wife of former acting U.S. ambassador to Iraq, Joseph Wilson. We’d also like to know what White House official illegally leaked her name to him.

Journalists make mistakes. Sometimes they’re perfectly honest mistakes, but obviously they’re sometimes mistakes that are made “accidentally-on-purpose.” It would help the media’s credibility a lot if they would do some self-examination and self-policing. People would trust them a lot more if they’d admit when they were wrong and try to make amends for their mistakes.

I’d like to volunteer to set an example. Not that Dan Rather or Robert Novak read my column, but I figure I at least owe it to you my readers. Here are some textbook tips for writing Editorials and Opinion pieces and my personal appraisal of how well or poor I’m doing at following them:

Be Brief & Concise- I’m working on it. The Des Moines Register suggests that letters to the Editor be no more than 600 words. Too often I go almost double that. You don’t have to write much more than 50 words if you can get your point across.

Come to the Point Quickly- I spend way to much time prefacing whatever I want to say. For example, last week, before I got into criticizing Governor Vilsack’s education policies, I spent a couple paragraphs apologizing for Bush bashing so much the week before.

Be Sincere- You have to give me this one. You may disagree with me on lots of things I write about, but at least I know what I believe and I’m not afraid to say so.

Don’t take yourself too seriously- I hope that I’ve been humble and self-effacing enough that you know I’m sincere and try to be honest.

Don’t preach- persuade- This has to be the biggest problem I’ve had and I want to take an opportunity to apologize if you feel like I’ve ever done this. Preaching is when you talk down to people as if you know better than they do. Persuading is when you set the facts before someone, tell them why you feel a certain way and encourage them to agree with you. If I had been smart, I would have been trying to persuade you not to vote to re-elect Bush (a $7 Trillion debt and a $445 billion deficit are two good reasons) . Instead, I let my frustration and irritation get the best of me and just used this column to vent and rant. Please forgive me.

Avoid all gossip or hearsay- Here is the biggest mistake I made in my column two weeks ago about President Bush’s history of cocaine use and National Guard duty. Second hand information. Of course, the person who determined that Dan Rather’s memos were forgeries wasn’t an expert in typography, he’s a Republican activist who runs a conservative website. And both Bush’s C.O. and his secretary both have said that basically the content of the allegedly forged memos was pretty much true anyway. Be that as it may, I didn’t call the Texas, Alabama and Florida National Guards, I went by what Dan Rather did and look what it got me? Egg on my face.

Admit errors- don’t be afraid to change positions- I still don’t trust the President any more than Rush Limbaugh trusts Dan Rather, but I was a hypocrite. I’ve preached against mud slinging and character assassination- “the politics of destruction,” but I stooped to making accusations about a candidate’s face, instead of sticking to current, relative issues. That was wrong, I admit it. I was so angry about how Bush supporters tried to smear Kerry’s record, that I jumped on the band-wagon with everyone who wanted to return fire.

Of course, while I’m sincere enough to admit it was cheap, I’d be an even bigger hypocrite and a real liar if I promised it will never happen again.

A little humor never hurt anyone- I know I’m no Mark Twain, heck I’m no Dave Berry, but I know that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Some people would rather I not even write about politics. For some, that may be because politics can be boring, so I try to slip a little wit in here when I can.

Sometimes it’s hard to top reality, though. Sen. John McCain recently took some time off of campaigning for Bush to criticize the way he’s handled the reconstruction effort in Iraq, I at least find that mildly amusing. Then Pat “Mr. Conservative” Buchanan criticized Bush for even invading Iraq, and the aftermath, and his run-away deficits. Buchanan thinks that there’s nothing “conservative” about the Bush administration. Soon after McCain criticized the Bush campaign for not criticizing Buchanan for criticizing Bush. Did you follow that? It makes my head spin.

Some people are sick of the election and mud slinging and character assassination. We have to put up with enough of it on TV and there’s a whole ‘nother six weeks of it to go (unless, God forbid, it’s as tight as it was last time and goes to the courts again). If you’re one of those folks, I sincerely apologize. My hope is to write something that will entice people to read the NEWSpaper and make it unique among small town newspapers. The last thing I’d want to do is to make it just like everything you have to put up with in the mainstream media or to write anything that you won’t want to read. I’ll try to write less about politics and be funnier, but I’m not going to PROMISE, I’m too likely to break that promise.

See the thing is, it’s hard to think of something to write about every week that’s funny and not political. I may have to resort to writing about writing, say for instance if I spent a whole column writing about Journalism textbook tips for writing Editorial and Opinion columns. That could become a real drag. Know what I mean?

So much for being brief and concise. Dang, I’ve got to work on that.

Not too much to write about

“I like how you handled the thing between the girls,” Bethany commented to me about my column as we were driving home in the van last week after dropping Ellen off at her grandparent’s house to spend the night. We would have to get up before five the next morning in order to get her older sister, Grace to the hospital by six to get her tonsils and adenoids out at eight.

“Thanks,” I responded. She chuckled. Was it that cute a column or was it funny that I’d thank her for the encouragement. Or was it just funny that I tried to logic-and-reason/lecture/explain two preschoolers out of an argument caused by the older one not understanding that the younger one was just copying her every syllable?

“Heh,” she half laughed and half sighed, “It’s just that Gracie’s life is out there for the world to see, played out in the newspaper,” she contemplated. (or something to that effect, I may not be quoting her verbatim here…I suppose that’s why so many writers turn to fiction- because our memories aren’t good enough to maintain journalistic integrity so we make up what we didn’t remember accurately. That’s probably also why many humorists avoid writing about family- you know, that whole “never mix business with pleasure” thing or something like that. Who wants to offend your own family by writing about them? Am I right?).

“What ‘bout my life?” Gracie wondered as she leaned toward the front from her favorite spot in the middle of the very back seat.

“Doh,” I winced like Homer Simpson getting caught doing something dumb, “duh, well, uh…” I stammered. I figured it was safe to write about people who can’t read about themselves yet.

“Oh,” Beth jumped in to save me, “We were just talking about something you’re Daddy wrote about you and your sister in the NEWSpaper.” Okay, so she didn’t pronounce it so that ‘NEWS’ is in all capitals like it is on the nameplate- I just can’t get over typing it that way, I feel more official doing it that way.

“My sistah? In da Nooowspapah?” Grace asked.

“Yes, I just said something about how cute you were, you know, in that newspaper I write for?” I assured her. See? I CAN write the word “newspaper,” without writing “NEWS” in all caps. (Shouldn’t that be “ALL CAPS?”)
Apparently that satisfied her, that or the fact that she could see town coming into view.

“Chawter Ohwk! Our town, I seeee it, we home!” she announced.

“Great,” I thought. The gig id up. I’d better find someone else to write about from now on. Ellie had better start being a lot more funny, but what happens when she figures it out? We can’t afford to just keep having kids. It’s not like I’m Dave Barry or something, this column is just a hobby. Teachers don’t get paid enough to procreate just for the sake of writing material. Besides, thats like having kids just to harvest their organs or something, it’s sick. I’d just have to find some other muse.

Other peoples kids? Nah, nobody likes someone who makes fun of other people’s kids, that’s like being a bully or something. Bethany wouldn’t go for that Elementary Guidance Counselors hate bullies. They also hate hate, okay, they ABHOR bullies. She was an English major, maybe she’ll like a word like “abhor.” Oh great, now her approval is so important to me that I’m using really esoteric words just to impress her.

Now I’ve done it, I actually used an obscure word like “esoteric” to describe words that are too hard to understand. DOH!- who uses words like “obscure,” that’s so oblique! DOH!

Oh great, now her approval is so important to me that I’m using really fancy words just to impress her. Now I don’t explain that all three of those words basically mean that most people don’t use any of those three words, some people will be frustrated. Of course if I do explain that all three words pretty much mean the same thing, which is “hard to understand,” some people will be frustrated like I’m talking down to them, some will think I’m trying to sound smart, and some will think I ruined a punny line by analyzing it to death.

Too late. Using such arcane and cryptic language is really just a roundabout way of playing with words to take up time and space on the page. That last sentence was completely useless. When you were a kid and the teacher assigned you an essay that had to me so many words long, did you use too many redundant adverbs and adjectives to make it really, really long or very, very, super boring? I used run-on sentences. Or fragments. Drove ‘em nuts!
“Drove ‘em nuts!?” Can’t you just see a wagon full of pecans behind a tractor? Or maybe a bus load of mental patients? Ah, I crack myself up.

What were we talking about?
Oh yeah, so I don’t fell like I can write about the funny things my daughter says anymore, because basically, I’m afraid that someday I’ll embarrass her…Nah, what are the chances of THAT ever happening. ME embarrass HER? Ha!

It’s too bad too. Just before we left their house, my farmer-in-law Allan said “I suppose we’re going to read about this new adventure- getting her tonsils and adenoids out in that column of yours next week!?” (or something along those lines, I don’t write down everything everybody says to me word-for-word right when they say it. I hope he doesn’t get mad if I just misquoted him. Of course, my eighth grade English Teacher, Mr. Harman would say, “People don’t get ‘mad,’ DOGS GO ‘mad,’ PEOPLE GET angry.” Of course, he also told us that “Ain’t ain’t a word,” but by the time I got out of high school it had been added to the dictionary.)
Dang, I really haven’t written about anything this week have I?
Just then his wife stepped into the room.

“I thought you were going to bed?” she inquired incredulously, as if he were just wasting time on some frivolous hobby.

“I’m almost done,” actually I didn’t say that, I don’t exactly remember what I said.

“However long it is, cut it in half,” she advised, and left the room to go to bed.

Hmmf. I guess I’m lucky she’s not my editor.

So, the moral of the story is, never publish anything that you write about family.

Actually, tonsil and adenoid surgery isn’t all that funny anyway, especially not for the victim- eh, patient. But in case you wondered, Grace was a real trooper, but thank God for Tylenol. Maybe I’ll tell you about some of it next week. Thanks for reading.
The End. 1,132 words, not including these ones. The End, again.
If she could read this, I’m sure Grace would say, “Da-a-ad, Yoouw SILLY!” 1,152- if I counted right.