Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Shade Tree Electronics
by Ted Mallory
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper, Thursday September 2, 2004

Grace commandeered our home computer a year or two ago. I was amazing that a three and a half year old had such a command of the mouse. She could turn on the PC, wait for it to boot up, pick out a CDRom game (usually Reader Rabbit, Leap Frog, or Blues Clues), place it in the disk drive, load it, play it and even print pictures from it all by herself after only one or two demonstrations.

Of course, that’s no special thing, really, most kids her age can do all that, if they’ve got a computer at home. Naturally, we’re pleased that the computer could prepare her for school by essentially drilling her on her colors, shapes, letters, numbers, matching etc. The down side is that we no longer have a computer that we can use for our own (grown-up) needs at home. The Mallory Gateway has a sticky keyboard from jam and candy covered hands, a finger print covered monitor, and crayon and marker scribbled on the tower.

It’s just as well. Teachers without their own children bring more of their work home. We used to stay up weekends creating worksheets and grade papers and doing research on the internet. Teachers with young kids figure out ways to get their work done more efficiently in the 5, 10, or when they’re lucky 15 minutes here and there that they have before classes start, between classes, during lunch and immediately after school.

We gave up having the net at home long ago. It just cost too much. Neither of us engage in web hobbies like online games, chat rooms, bulletin boards, fantasy sports or porn. I mainly look up artworks I can use as examples for classes, lesson plans and check the news. Our schools have lightening-fast DSL connections so when I borrow my in-laws’ dial-up, it feels like waiting for grass to grow or paint to dry. Half the time (and I don’t know if it’s their computer’s modem, or their phone company) it cuts out on you and disconnects from the internet just as you’re about to finish what you were about to do.

When we visited a friend who had DSL I was amazed at how much faster it was than school. I think it was mostly that they had a brand new computer, and didn’t have all kinds of “background” programs running like virus protectors and content filters and network connections. Whatever, it just amazed me that there was a fast that was faster than “lightening-fast.”

I’ve gotten way off track. My original point was that while older readers may be impressed with all my computer jargon, I’m really an electronic dinosaur. I can’t imagine what our kids will be able to do with computers in ten years since as toddlers they were just as competent on one of these infernal machines as I am.

Generally at school, when something would go wrong with a computer, before you could write out a work order for the technical guy to fix, some kid would have already diagnosed and begun working on the problem. An mind you, I love our tech guy, he’s been very good to me, but these kids talk about computer insides the way that kids in the seventies and eighties used to talk about stereo equipment and kids in the fifties and sixties talked about car parts.

One kid I taught talked about replacing memory cards and drives and building his own “mother-board,” like they were mufflers and valves and over-head cams. For years my colleagues and people outside of school have thought I was some kind of computer expert just because I was the Yearbook Advisor. But the truth is, I’m just a driver, not a member of the pit-crew, certainly not a customizer, no mechanic, and no engineer...

The truth be told I couldn’t tell you the difference between a megahertz and a megabyte. I had to read “Digital Cameras for Dummies” three times before I could figure out what a megapixel was. I’m still not really sure what it is and I am sure that I couldn’t explain it to someone else.

By the way, my computer is so old...

How old is it? (like a Johnny Carson studio audience might ask)

My computer is SO old, the Spell-check didn’t even know how to spell “megapixel.” (Okay, so I heard maybe three people laugh. They were the ones that got that joke, but they weren’t laughing at the joke, they’re laughing at my computer!

At any rate- I ventured into the high-stress world of personal computer repair this weekend. I ran out of 5 and 10 minutes here and there at school, so I had to write this column during the girls’ nap time on Saturday at home. Much to my dismay, the ol’ Gateway wasn’t up to the challenge.

So, I went to the medicine cabinet and got a tweezers and a flashlight. Then I approached the computer cautiously. After several minutes and a few failed attempts, I took a deep breath. I calmed myself down. My dad used to both cuss and curse at the old Mercury’s transmission- but we were boys, I’ve got daughters, you just can’t do that kind of thing in mixed company, you know.

Finally, with delicate precision and the steady hand of a surgeon... I fished a nickel, a quarter, and a plastic bracelet out of the floppy disk drive! When I announced that the operation had been a success, shouts of praise came from the next room, “Yeah! Daddy did it! Daddy’s a HERO!”

It goes without saying, that Ellen does not understand how to use a computer yet, but she DOES know how to abuse one.
Now, I just have to decide whether to take my disk to the library in Denison, school in Dunlap, or the in-laws’ farm to email this to the NEWSpaper office in Mapleton.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Lets make Bob Costas wear a John Deere Cap

One of the worst parts of coaching a predominantly women’s sport like cheerleading is having to overhear the girl talk.

“Omigawd, did you watch the Olympics last night?”

“Omigawd- Michael Phelps is SO HOT.”

“He’s like 6’4” and only like 150 pounds.”

“And his like, what do you call that? Arm span is like two feet longer than normal, or than it’s supposed to be.”

“Really? Wow. Did you know he has like size fourteen shoes?”

“Like NO WAY, Omigawd.”

I guess it’s to be expected and I just have to listen, the Olympics will be over in another few days anyway. After all, I have to admit, the summer before Freshman year of High School, I was head over heels for Mary Lou Retton. Sure, the red white and blue gymnastics leotards looked great on her, but I think it was mostly about the smile.

It’s surreal to see her interviewed today. She’s a mom who’s a spokesperson for pro-family Christian things like internet filters and stuff. You wouldn’t think of Wonder Woman or Supergirl or Cat Woman hauling her three kids around to school in a minivan twenty years after you first fell in love with them.

But that’s an important thing to remember about athletes and any celebrities for that matter, (especially politicians and preacher) they’re human beings. People just like you and me.

Well, Okay, not QUITE like us. Have you watched Olympic gymnastics lately? It’s phenomenal that any human being can do any of the things these kids do. That’s discipline, that’s pushing their bodies and the laws of physics to the limit.

But why do the men all look like college-aged, well, “men,” but all the women gymnasts look like 11 or 12 year old girls even though they’re supposedly anywhere from 16-23? Do they take anti-steroids? Is there something about the feats they’re performing that alters the physiology of guys and girls differently?

The Ancient Greeks used the original Olympics to showcase the beauty of the “perfect” human physiques. Today’s athletes are more like evolutionary mutants. Really, something must be up. You can’t tell me that male swimmers were 6’4” with over-long arms just 8 or 14 years ago.

American shot putters Adam Nelson and John Gadina look more like people you’d know, but only because they didn’t shave for their interviews on NBC. Their necks have to be thirty inches around. I can see that having to do with the nature of their sport, but I’ve see steroids do that too.

Not all Olympians are so different than the rest of us. I guess that shooters and archers don’t need performance enhancing drugs. That’s about it. I’m not sure why they have to build white-water coursed for canoes. Does Greece not have rivers? And how are badminton and synchronized diving Olympic sports?

19 year old Mariel Zagunis won America a gold in saber fencing. There’s a sport I’d like to take up. I’d like to see more And Javelin throwing- who does that anymore? Olympic sports that are more common to common people. Like men’s or co-ed softball. Or bowling. Why isn’t bowling an Olympic sport? Or golf, walking- how about walking? Darts, darts would be cool. I bet my brother and one of my wife’s cousins could be Olympic class dart-throwers. What about fishing? They have sailing and kayaking, why not fishing.

Of course, what the Olympic planning committee really needs to think about is NASCAR. No, we’re not all Bobbi Labonte, but we all drive cars. Wouldn’t it be cool to watch people excel at activities that we all do anyway? Although, I’d hate for America to only get bronze or silver in NASCAR.

Lets face it, we get carried away with ourselves sometimes. Take the U.S. Basketball team. All over paid NBA spotlight hogs. Not working on fundamentals, not working selflessly as a team-unit, un-coachable, spoiled millionaires. That’s why the Olympics used on only allow amateurs. But in our day and age of sport-drinks, designer shoes and clothes there are no amateurs anyway. I think it was the 1988 Olympics when Nike paid American diver thousands of dollars to sling a pair of shoes over his shoulder while cameras snapped. Did anybody notice that divers, like swimmers complete barefoot?

I think we should host the 2008 Olympics here in Iowa. There could be an Olympic tractor pull. Speed corn-husking could be introduced. Hog throwing has got to be as difficult as the discuss throw (not that I’d know personally, I admit). Think of the money. If RAGBRI participants enjoy fresh sweet corn and tomatoes?

At the risk of blowing my own horn, I think I could be a real contender in the coffee-drinking event. What we really need is an Olympic euchre tournament. And it we really wanted to have some fun with the foreigners, we could try to talk the Olympic Committee into a cow-tipping event.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Late Summer Loose Ends

School was supposed to start this past week for Boyer Valley, I think that Charter Oak-Ute resumes this next week, Maple Valley has postponed school until September. If you hadn’t heard, both BV and MV built new facilities this summer and they’re both having some trouble getting everything finished and ready to go for the new school year.

Usually, most teachers like to get into their room and do some planning in the weeks before school. Needless to say, that hasn’t been happening for many of us and it’s led to a feeling of being unsettled. So this week I’d like to tie up a few loose-ends that have been bothering me. Consider this my way of trying to accomplish some sense of closure.

Way -back in the Fourth of July column, a few of you may have been confused. Which is a shame, because several people shared with me how much they appreciated what it said. I signed the column “R. Saunders.” People have been asking me who that is and what that meant.

Richard Saunders was Benjamin Franklin’s pen name. As in “Poor Richard’s Almanac,” Franklin’s famous periodical that was full of homespun humor and sage advice. The thirteen virtues that I had Saunders expound upon were Franklins- perhaps one for each of the original thirteen colonies. I thought they’d be especially poignant for the Fourth, considering the polarized political rancor that seems so prevalent lately which the Presidential election has seemed to exacerbate.

I made two mistakes in my column praising the Charter Oak Achievement Days. I reported that one of the Welner brothers had told me about the Methodist food stand. It was actually Loren Straight who put me on to how old the portable building was. Sorry about that. Having been married into the town 13 years ago and now living here for five, I still can’t put the right name with the right face. I also said something about the new shelter house being air-conditioned. Someone since then told me that that’s not the case. I guess I’m not sure either way, I hope my saying that it would be didn’t make any difference.

I finished ‘Catcher in the Rye.’ I figured out what the title means, it doesn’t have anything to do with baseball. It has something to do with that old song, “when a body meets a body coming through the rye” and trying to save people who are lost in life. You really have to read it for it to make more sense and to do it justice. I highly recommend it.

John Grisham’s ‘the Bleachers’ is also well worth the read, even if you don’t like football. If you’ve ever played football, you’ll regret not reading it. Haven’t got my hands on ‘Home Grown Democrat’ yet, I may wait till it comes out in paperback.

I’m not sure why I haven’t been in the mood to write about politics lately. Probably because it looks like any one who’d bother voting has pretty well made up their minds and aren’t too open to changing it. And I for one am sick of the mud slinging and the anger. It’s not worth getting myself worked up and I hate having other people angry at me or thinking I’m somehow inferior to them or crazy or something.

I have to get one political issue off my chest quick. A Bush supporter recently reasoned that it’s not wise to change Presidents in the middle of a war. That just confuses me because if they’re talking about “The War on Terror,” that was being waged even before it was declared and it will probably be a reality that we have to live with for decades to come. If we declare Marshall Law or suspend elections, then the terrorists win. If they’re talking about the war in Iraq, it seems to me that the President announce “mission accomplished back in March and Sovereignty was transferred at the end of May, a day or two ahead of schedule. So isn’t that war over? Or did I miss a memo?

Please forgive me if that made you angry or if you think I must be crazy or ignorant or something for being as confused as I am. Don’t forget to vote November 2, even if it’s not for who I’d like. If don’t exercise our rights, the Terrorists win. Democracy is like muscle- “use it or lose is.”

Sadly, I have to report that Noah’s Ark has been dry-docked. We really needed around 12 kids. 6 three year olds and 6 four year olds. We had commitments from about 7 but would’ve needed to combine the ages, which would very be difficult. One of the big appeals of the new public preschool is the convenience for working parents of running all day. For Noah’s Ark to have done that involved new and different licenses which would’ve taken more time and raised costs. It was a difficult decision, but eventually, we had to give up the dream.

It’s a sad loss for the community and a shame that St. John couldn’t sustain such a blessing of a ministry to young families, but life happens and the only constants are God, death and taxes, so we grieve and move on. We’re sorry to those of you who were looking forward to Noah’s Ark continuing.

I’m not sure my daughter Ellie grasps what it means for her yet. As far as she’s concerned, she’s going to ride the buss to high school next week She doesn’t turn three till December, so we’re not going to put her on a bus for a while. I’d still like her to get that Christian foundation, so maybe we’ll look into St. Matthew’s preschool in Mapleton next year.

Kids still say the darnedest things. The other night over supper, Ellie announced-

“Mom, Dad…”

“Yeah, hon?”

“Mom, Dad, Gwacie…”

“What is it, sweetheart?”

“Mom, Dawd, Gwacie…I have to tell you something…”

So we set our forks down, anxiously awaiting her important announcement.

“I have to tell you somtin’, um, Mom, Dad…”

I thought that what ever it was had to be important or profound because she was working so hard to get it out.

“Mom, Dad, Grace…We eatin’ supper.”

Yep, she may be under the delusion that she’s fourteen, and she may still be pretty hit-and-miss with the potty training thing, but at least she has a firm grasp on the obvious.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Faith should inform politics, politics should reflect faith, but I believe that we should neither put our faith in politics or make our faith too much about politics. My faith is in Jesus Christ, not George Bush OR John Kerry. I think this is an excellent article about keeping these things clear.

Take back the faith

by Jim Wallis

This commentary originally appearedin The Boston Globe on July 13


Many of us feel that our faith has been stolen, and it's time to take it back. An enormous public misrepresentation of Christianity has taken place. Many people around the world now think Christian faith stands for political commitments that are almost the opposite of its true meaning. How did the faith of Jesus come to be known as pro-rich, pro-war, and pro-American? And how do we get back to a historic, biblical, and genuinely evangelical faith rescued from its contemporary distortions?


That rescue operation is even more crucial today, in the face of a social crisis that cries out for prophetic religion. The problem is clear in the political arena, where strident voices claim to represent Christians, when they clearly don't speak for most of us. We hear politicians who love to say how religious they are but utterly fail to apply the values of faith to their public leadership and political policies. It's time to take back our faith in the public square, especially in a time when a more authentic social witness is desperately needed.


When we do, we discover that faith challenges the powers that be to do justice for the poor, instead of preaching a "prosperity gospel" and supporting politicians that further enrich the wealthy. We remember that faith hates violence and tries to reduce it, and exerts a fundamental presumption against war, instead of justifying it in God's name. We see that faith creates community from racial, class, and gender divisions and prefers international community over nationalist religion, and we see that "God bless America" is found nowhere in the Bible. And we are reminded that faith regards matters such as the sacredness of life and family bonds as so important that they should never be used as ideological symbols or mere political pawns in partisan warfare.


The media likes to say, "Oh, then you must be the Religious Left." No, and the very question is the problem. Just because a Religious Right has fashioned itself in one predictable ideological guise does not mean that those who question this political seduction must be their opposite political counterpart. The best public contribution of religion is precisely not to be ideologically predictable nor a loyal partisan. To raise the moral issues of human rights, for example, will challenge both left- and right-wing governments who put power above principles. And religious action is rooted in a much deeper place than "rights" - that being the image of God in every human being.


Similarly, when the poor are defended on moral or religious grounds, it is not "class warfare" but rather a direct response to the overwhelming focus in the scriptures that claims the poor are regularly neglected, exploited, and oppressed by wealthy elites, political rulers, and indifferent affluent populations. Those scriptures don't simply endorse the social programs of liberals or conservatives, but make clear that poverty is indeed a religious issue and that the failure of political leaders to help uplift those in poverty will be judged a moral failing.


It is precisely because religion takes the problem of evil so seriously that it must always be suspicious of concentrated power - politically and economically - either in totalitarian regimes or in huge multinational corporations, which now have more wealth and power than many governments. It is indeed our theology of evil that makes us strong proponents of both political and economic democracy - not because people are so good, but because they often are not and need clear safeguards and strong systems of checks and balances to avoid the dangerous accumulations of power and wealth.


It's why we doubt the goodness of all superpowers and the righteousness of empires in any era, especially when their claims of inspiration and success invoke theology and the name of God. Given human tendencies for self-delusion and deception, is it any wonder that hardly a religious body in the world regards unilateral and pre-emptive war as "just?" Religious wisdom suggests that the more overwhelming the military might, the more dangerous its capacity for self- and public deception.

The loss of religion's prophetic vocation is terribly dangerous for any society. Who will uphold the dignity of economic and political outcasts? Who will question the self-righteousness of nations and their leaders? Who will question the recourse to violence and the rush to wars long before any last resort has been unequivocally proven? Who will not allow God's name to be used to simply justify ourselves, instead of calling us to accountability?


In an election year, the particular religiosity of a candidate, or even how devout they might be, is less important than how their religious and/or moral commitments and values shape their political vision and their policy commitments. Understanding the moral compass they bring to their public lives and how their convictions shape their political priorities is the true litmus test.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

It’s never too late to start your summer reading

I really admire my wife. She can tear through a 300 page book in a day if she wanted to, in a week at the slowest. It’s a great way to relax and regroup, to lose yourself in a good story.

Needless to say, I’ve never been as voracious a reader as she is for a variety of reasons. I think that I’m just more visual (normal for guys, more normal for an Art teacher). I certainly read a little slower than she does and frankly I get crabby easy. What I mean by that is that I’m pretty cynical, if a story is too cheesy or hokey or otherwise melodramatic, it irritates me. Consequently, when I do read, I end up reading more non-fiction than fiction. You know, history, political commentary, religion, self-help, all that kind of gobbly-gook as opposed to actual stories with a plot.

While I’ve never been formally diagnosed by a physician or a psychiatrist, I’ve always thought that I have a bad case of Attention Deficit Disorder. So instead of whole books, I tend to go more for magazines or collections of essays. If I read a book it either has to really grab me, or it has to have lots of short little chapters.

When I was in college I had a roommate one who owned every book Stephen King ever wrote. He wasn’t a sick-o or anything, although he got a kick out of having people be afraid of him once they’d seen the bookshelf in our dorm room. I’m not a big horror fan any more than I am a roller coaster fan. But I love learning about any artist’s creative process, whether they’re a writer, painter, musician or actor. As a result I read almost every “Author’s notes” and afterward that Stephen King included in his books, but I can’t say as I read more than one or two of the actual books themselves.

For whatever reason this summer has been different for me. I set a goal of reading at least two books this summer and ended up getting through three. I’d like to offer you mini-book reviews in case you’re looking for something help you fall asleep at night.
Wobegon Boy by Garrison Keillor was an excellent antidote for insomnia. That doesn’t mean it was a bad book, but you know how you create a voice in your head of the narrator? Well since Keillors voice is on his radio show, A Prairie Home Companion on NPR every week, his voice was the voice I listened to in my imagination. His voice is very relaxing and slow.

The gist of the story is that John Tolofsen is a middle aged Lutheran guy who sort of lost touch with his roots and his values by rising too fast in business in New York. When his father dies, John realizes that what he’d taken for granted or even rejected are the things that he needed most.

Fletch by Gregory McDonald was a much quicker and funner read. One reason for that of course is that Chevy Chase played Fletch in a movie that came out in the late ‘80s around the same time as Eddie Murpy’s ‘Beverly Hills Cop.’ My point is that I imagined Chevy Chase’s voice reading all of Fletch’s dialogue soaked in sarcasm. As usual, the book is better than the movie.
Fletch is an investigative reporter in L.A. who’s avoiding his ex wives lawyers, his editors and dirty cops while trying to uncover a drug operation on the beach. The real mystery kicks into gear when a wealthy aviation executive hires Fletch to kill him. Like a real reporter, McDonald uses short paragraphs, sparse description and a lot of dialogue. That made Fletch perfect for someone with A.D.D. It’s a mystery novel for people who don’t like to read novels.

Because Fletch was written in third-person and used almost all dialogue, I was intimidated by my next book, but I’d been searching bookstores for it for a couple of years now, so when I got my hands on Shoeless Joe by W. P. Kinsella I had to at least give it my best shot.

Shoeless Joe is the novel that the Kevin Costner movie ‘Field of Dreams’ was based on. Once again I had a famous actor’s voice to use and once again the book is better than the movie. That’s a tall order in this case because ‘Field of Dreams’ is one of the greatest movies ever. ESPN rates it as the all time best baseball movie, even above ‘the Bad News Bears’ and ‘Bull Durham.’

The only things that make me cry are the Gettysburg Address and the scene in ‘Field of Dreams’ where Ray Kinsella (Kevin Costner) finally works up the nerve to talk to the ghost catcher, who’s a younger version of his dad.

Shoeless Joe is written in first person and it does include a lot of description, but its practically poetry and it’s mostly about Iowa. Ray’s father, who played baseball as a young man but never made it to the majors, owned a hardware store in Montana. Ray came to the University of Iowa for college, tried selling insurance, but was talked into farming corn by the girl he fell in love with and married in Iowa City. It didn’t take long for him to fall in love with the land too.

Anyone who’s seen the movie knows that it’s not so much about what Ray can do for Shoeless Joe and the other 1918 White Sox as it is about what Baseball does for Ray. This book is about guys figuring out how to have relationships with other guys. Something we guys aren’t always good at.

There are two major differences between the movie and the book. One is that Ray doesn’t just have to reconcile with his dead father, he also has an identical twin who ran away from home at fifteen that Ray hadn’t seen in twenty years. The other is that the character of the radical sixties writer played by James Earl Jones in the film is actually a real writer, J.D.Salinger.

When Bethany and I first saw ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, we went out and got a copy of ‘An Affair to Remember’ with Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr because the characters in the ‘Sleepless’ were so caught up and influenced by ‘An Affair.’

Likewise, I enjoyed Shoeless Joe so much that I went out and bought a copy of The Catcher in the Rye by J.D.Salinger. Be warned, this book has pretty much nothing to do with baseball. I still don’t know what it has to do with the title at all. It’s probably just as well, I mean the title doesn’t make any sense anyway. Catchers don’t stand around in the rye ( a kind of grass), they’re stuck behind the plate in the dirt in front of the fence.

Catcher is also written in first person, but it’s narrated by a 17 year old boy who’s been kicked out of boarding school for poor grades. This is a smart kid, but it’s pretty clear that if this book was published in 2004 instead of 1951, he’d probably be labeled with Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

The Catcher in the Rye is one of the most banned books of all time, but I’m yet to figure out why and I only have three or four chapters left. The language is barely PG-13. Perhaps that’s another difference between ‘51 and ’04. I think it pretty accurately depicts the way a kid’s brain works.

Reading is like exercise. The more you do it the easier it gets and the easier it gets the more fun it is. The more fun it is the more you want to do it. I’m already looking forward to John Grisham’s The Bleachers when I’m done with Catcher (just in time for football season). After that I think I may try to get my hands on a copy of Garrison Keillor’s new book, Home Grown Democrat.
Beyond Imagination
by Ted Mallory Thursday August 12, 2004


“Have a good vacation?” people kept saying.

“What vacation?” I’d ask.

“Aren’t you going to Orlando with those kids?”

“Well, yeah, I guess, I didn’t figure it was a vacation…” I’d reply.

Being responsible for ten teenagers, getting up for 7 AM meetings everyday but not getting to bet till after 1 AM, and walking for miles in stifling humidity and heat sounded more like work than vacation to me.

But I have to tell you, if a vacation is supposed to be fun and give you a recharge then the National Lutheran Youth Gathering definitely fit the bill. Forgive me for ever saying it wasn’t and thank you to the parents and members at St. John who sent Bethany & I along with their Lutheran Youth Fellowship.

For one thing we had an awesome bunch of kids. They rarely complained and then only about the heat. They came to learn and grow in Christ and I really believe that they did. They didn’t get into any serious mischief (that we know about) and best of all they had great senses of humor and were a lot of fun to be around.

In fact, they were all so responsible and mature, I hardly have any stories to tell you about them. How boring is that? There are just a couple I can share.

Saturday morning, before the Gathering itself got officially underway, we visited ‘Gatorland.’ It’s a little campy, but it’s a lot cheaper than the major theme parks, and it gives you a taste of what Florida once was. At least three of the eight boys bought themselves these “pimp” walking canes with alligator heads on them. Granted, Jason Kuhlmann really needed the thing since he got caught in a cattle gate the night before we left and had quite a limp. Why another kid needed a bull-whip I’ll never know.

We were at Gatorland’s “Up close and personal” animal show. After bringing cockatoos, lizards and scorpions into the audience, the animal trainers asked for volunteers to help them with a bigger animal. Our dear, diminutive cousin Lacy Neddermeyer stepped forward. She should’ve suspected that something was up when they asked her to call a coin flip.

“Heads,” she called.

“You asked for it!” they said.

Next thing she knows she’s holding on to the business end of a twelve foot python.

The other thing is having 33,000 Christian teenagers in one place at one time. Convention center and hotel personnel raved about how patient, polite and relatively clean they were. And you should know, there were all kinds of kids there; country kids, “Gothic” kids, punk kids, nerdy kids, athletic kids, “hippie-esque” kids- you name it. Every race, class, size and type was represented.

The Gathering’s theme, “Beyond Imagination,” based on Ephesians 3:20-21 said id all. Rock concerts and baseball games don’t compare. Now I’ve attended at least two Promise Keepers’ men’s conferences and 16,000 men worshiping together is an awesome thing, but to see 33,000 high school kids all actually singing praise songs together really rocks the house.

The way that the National Youth Gathering is set up, everyone attends about an hour and a half “Mass Event” each day in the morning and again in the evening. In between, kids attend three one hour sessions with one hour breaks in between. Kids can attend seminars on everything from sex, prayer, missions, and music, to art and the occult.

Some speakers are nationally known like the Christian rock groups “Audio Adrenaline” or “Lost and Found.” Some are professional speakers, a few were comedians, a few were pastors, and some were survivors. We attended one given by a former witch who’s now a pastor’s wife, one given by Drake University’s assistant basketball coach, and another from an FBI chaplain who was on the scene at the Pentagon following the 9/11 attack.

We didn’t run into quite as many former colleagues from Lutheran High Schools as we did three years ago at the last gathering in New Orleans. But Concordia, Seward did host a reception where we visited with a few classmates that we hadn’t seen in eons. That’s always surreal. Either you’re hearing about how they’re pastors now or how many children they have. Often they look almost the same as a decade ago only fatter and grayer, maybe more wrinkled. I suppose they thought the same of me.

The new college President, Brian Friedrichs addressed the alumni and prospective students. I understand that his father was once pastor at St. John in Charter Oak. And the final speaker to address the kids Tuesday night was Rev.Keishnik, the recently re-elected President of the Lutheran Church~Missouri Synod.

His message was an important one that I think echoes true for teens of any denomination; Luthearn, catholic, Methodist, or otherwise. He told the crowd that they aren’t just “the future” of the Church, they ARE the church!

Sometimes we all need to be reminded that a Church is not a building or a pastor or priest, or even a board or council. The Church- the very “Body of Christ,” His arms and legs, His hands and feet on earth, are you and me. We are the Church.