Lets make Bob Costas wear a John Deere Cap

One of the worst parts of coaching a predominantly women’s sport like cheerleading is having to overhear the girl talk.

“Omigawd, did you watch the Olympics last night?”

“Omigawd- Michael Phelps is SO HOT.”

“He’s like 6’4” and only like 150 pounds.”

“And his like, what do you call that? Arm span is like two feet longer than normal, or than it’s supposed to be.”

“Really? Wow. Did you know he has like size fourteen shoes?”

“Like NO WAY, Omigawd.”

I guess it’s to be expected and I just have to listen, the Olympics will be over in another few days anyway. After all, I have to admit, the summer before Freshman year of High School, I was head over heels for Mary Lou Retton. Sure, the red white and blue gymnastics leotards looked great on her, but I think it was mostly about the smile.

It’s surreal to see her interviewed today. She’s a mom who’s a spokesperson for pro-family Christian things like internet filters and stuff. You wouldn’t think of Wonder Woman or Supergirl or Cat Woman hauling her three kids around to school in a minivan twenty years after you first fell in love with them.

But that’s an important thing to remember about athletes and any celebrities for that matter, (especially politicians and preacher) they’re human beings. People just like you and me.

Well, Okay, not QUITE like us. Have you watched Olympic gymnastics lately? It’s phenomenal that any human being can do any of the things these kids do. That’s discipline, that’s pushing their bodies and the laws of physics to the limit.

But why do the men all look like college-aged, well, “men,” but all the women gymnasts look like 11 or 12 year old girls even though they’re supposedly anywhere from 16-23? Do they take anti-steroids? Is there something about the feats they’re performing that alters the physiology of guys and girls differently?

The Ancient Greeks used the original Olympics to showcase the beauty of the “perfect” human physiques. Today’s athletes are more like evolutionary mutants. Really, something must be up. You can’t tell me that male swimmers were 6’4” with over-long arms just 8 or 14 years ago.

American shot putters Adam Nelson and John Gadina look more like people you’d know, but only because they didn’t shave for their interviews on NBC. Their necks have to be thirty inches around. I can see that having to do with the nature of their sport, but I’ve see steroids do that too.

Not all Olympians are so different than the rest of us. I guess that shooters and archers don’t need performance enhancing drugs. That’s about it. I’m not sure why they have to build white-water coursed for canoes. Does Greece not have rivers? And how are badminton and synchronized diving Olympic sports?

19 year old Mariel Zagunis won America a gold in saber fencing. There’s a sport I’d like to take up. I’d like to see more And Javelin throwing- who does that anymore? Olympic sports that are more common to common people. Like men’s or co-ed softball. Or bowling. Why isn’t bowling an Olympic sport? Or golf, walking- how about walking? Darts, darts would be cool. I bet my brother and one of my wife’s cousins could be Olympic class dart-throwers. What about fishing? They have sailing and kayaking, why not fishing.

Of course, what the Olympic planning committee really needs to think about is NASCAR. No, we’re not all Bobbi Labonte, but we all drive cars. Wouldn’t it be cool to watch people excel at activities that we all do anyway? Although, I’d hate for America to only get bronze or silver in NASCAR.

Lets face it, we get carried away with ourselves sometimes. Take the U.S. Basketball team. All over paid NBA spotlight hogs. Not working on fundamentals, not working selflessly as a team-unit, un-coachable, spoiled millionaires. That’s why the Olympics used on only allow amateurs. But in our day and age of sport-drinks, designer shoes and clothes there are no amateurs anyway. I think it was the 1988 Olympics when Nike paid American diver thousands of dollars to sling a pair of shoes over his shoulder while cameras snapped. Did anybody notice that divers, like swimmers complete barefoot?

I think we should host the 2008 Olympics here in Iowa. There could be an Olympic tractor pull. Speed corn-husking could be introduced. Hog throwing has got to be as difficult as the discuss throw (not that I’d know personally, I admit). Think of the money. If RAGBRI participants enjoy fresh sweet corn and tomatoes?

At the risk of blowing my own horn, I think I could be a real contender in the coffee-drinking event. What we really need is an Olympic euchre tournament. And it we really wanted to have some fun with the foreigners, we could try to talk the Olympic Committee into a cow-tipping event.