Ted's Blog

Shade Tree Electronics
by Ted Mallory
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper, Thursday September 2, 2004

Grace commandeered our home computer a year or two ago. I was amazing that a three and a half year old had such a command of the mouse. She could turn on the PC, wait for it to boot up, pick out a CDRom game (usually Reader Rabbit, Leap Frog, or Blues Clues), place it in the disk drive, load it, play it and even print pictures from it all by herself after only one or two demonstrations.

Of course, that’s no special thing, really, most kids her age can do all that, if they’ve got a computer at home. Naturally, we’re pleased that the computer could prepare her for school by essentially drilling her on her colors, shapes, letters, numbers, matching etc. The down side is that we no longer have a computer that we can use for our own (grown-up) needs at home. The Mallory Gateway has a sticky keyboard from jam and candy covered hands, a finger print covered monitor, and crayon and marker scribbled on the tower.

It’s just as well. Teachers without their own children bring more of their work home. We used to stay up weekends creating worksheets and grade papers and doing research on the internet. Teachers with young kids figure out ways to get their work done more efficiently in the 5, 10, or when they’re lucky 15 minutes here and there that they have before classes start, between classes, during lunch and immediately after school.

We gave up having the net at home long ago. It just cost too much. Neither of us engage in web hobbies like online games, chat rooms, bulletin boards, fantasy sports or porn. I mainly look up artworks I can use as examples for classes, lesson plans and check the news. Our schools have lightening-fast DSL connections so when I borrow my in-laws’ dial-up, it feels like waiting for grass to grow or paint to dry. Half the time (and I don’t know if it’s their computer’s modem, or their phone company) it cuts out on you and disconnects from the internet just as you’re about to finish what you were about to do.

When we visited a friend who had DSL I was amazed at how much faster it was than school. I think it was mostly that they had a brand new computer, and didn’t have all kinds of “background” programs running like virus protectors and content filters and network connections. Whatever, it just amazed me that there was a fast that was faster than “lightening-fast.”

I’ve gotten way off track. My original point was that while older readers may be impressed with all my computer jargon, I’m really an electronic dinosaur. I can’t imagine what our kids will be able to do with computers in ten years since as toddlers they were just as competent on one of these infernal machines as I am.

Generally at school, when something would go wrong with a computer, before you could write out a work order for the technical guy to fix, some kid would have already diagnosed and begun working on the problem. An mind you, I love our tech guy, he’s been very good to me, but these kids talk about computer insides the way that kids in the seventies and eighties used to talk about stereo equipment and kids in the fifties and sixties talked about car parts.

One kid I taught talked about replacing memory cards and drives and building his own “mother-board,” like they were mufflers and valves and over-head cams. For years my colleagues and people outside of school have thought I was some kind of computer expert just because I was the Yearbook Advisor. But the truth is, I’m just a driver, not a member of the pit-crew, certainly not a customizer, no mechanic, and no engineer...

The truth be told I couldn’t tell you the difference between a megahertz and a megabyte. I had to read “Digital Cameras for Dummies” three times before I could figure out what a megapixel was. I’m still not really sure what it is and I am sure that I couldn’t explain it to someone else.

By the way, my computer is so old...

How old is it? (like a Johnny Carson studio audience might ask)

My computer is SO old, the Spell-check didn’t even know how to spell “megapixel.” (Okay, so I heard maybe three people laugh. They were the ones that got that joke, but they weren’t laughing at the joke, they’re laughing at my computer!

At any rate- I ventured into the high-stress world of personal computer repair this weekend. I ran out of 5 and 10 minutes here and there at school, so I had to write this column during the girls’ nap time on Saturday at home. Much to my dismay, the ol’ Gateway wasn’t up to the challenge.

So, I went to the medicine cabinet and got a tweezers and a flashlight. Then I approached the computer cautiously. After several minutes and a few failed attempts, I took a deep breath. I calmed myself down. My dad used to both cuss and curse at the old Mercury’s transmission- but we were boys, I’ve got daughters, you just can’t do that kind of thing in mixed company, you know.

Finally, with delicate precision and the steady hand of a surgeon... I fished a nickel, a quarter, and a plastic bracelet out of the floppy disk drive! When I announced that the operation had been a success, shouts of praise came from the next room, “Yeah! Daddy did it! Daddy’s a HERO!”

It goes without saying, that Ellen does not understand how to use a computer yet, but she DOES know how to abuse one.
Now, I just have to decide whether to take my disk to the library in Denison, school in Dunlap, or the in-laws’ farm to email this to the NEWSpaper office in Mapleton.