Vote for me

Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper & Schleswig Leader, Thursday, August 2, 2007

Hi there, my name is Ted Mallory, usually I’m a high school teacher and I try to contribute to a local newspaper when I can, but in these last few weeks of summer, I’m trying to get the word out about my candidacy for the Vice President of these united States.

I believe that it is time to restore not just the honor trust of the office of Vice President, but also the mediocrity and passivity that once characterized the job for almost 200 years had kept the Vice Presidency in obscurity.

If there are any things I know about, its mediocrity, passivity and obscurity. I’ve been mediocre, passive, and obscure most of my life and these are the values which I hope to return to our nation’s second highest office.

If elected Vice President, I promise not to declare myself a fourth branch of government.

I promise to always hang out in disclosed (not “undisclosed”) locations.

I promise not to advise any of my or the President’s staff members to ignore subpoenas from Congress.

I promise if elected, not to profit from no-bid contracts to major defense contractors. Heck, I don’t have any stock-options in Halliberton and I’ve never served on any boards of any corporations in the entire military-industrial complex anyway. Or any oil companies either, for that matter.

I promise to never tell any Senators to “(Explicative-deleted) yourself.” Most of all, I promise not to shoot anybody in the face.

I am even willing to go out on a limb here and promise something that may just offer a great deal of assurance to anyone who usually disagrees with my political opinions- In the event that whoever is elected President should die or become incapacitated and I am asked to ascend the that office, I promise that my first act as president would be to appoint Jimmy Buffett Vice President. My second act would be to resign, thus leaving Jimmy the new President.

Most Presidential candidates are megalomaniacs. It would violate the principles of mediocrity, passivity and obscurity to become President, so I could not remain head honcho any longer than it would take to execute the afore mentioned acts.

Jimmy would help us all have a little fun for a while and, I highly doubt that ‘ol Jimbo would run for reelection once his term was done because he may not be obscure or mediocre, but he’d definitely be missing his hammock after too long in office.

I believe that Vice Presidents need to do what they used to do, golf, attend funerals, and miss spell words like potato.

Granted, I’m not very good at golf, but I would be more than happy to hire a Vice Presidential Golf Pro to give me lessons.

Granted, I don’t own a dark suit, but I’m sure that I’ll fit into about the same size a Dick Cheney.

Granted, it seems as if I know how to spell potato, but that’s just because I ran this column through a spell-check.

If elected Vice President, I could make Barack Obama look taller and skinnier. I could make Hillary Clinton seem more feminine. I could make Fred Thompson seem more Southern and paternal. Heck, I could even make John McCain look... well, I guess I could make him look taller and skinnier too.

In summary, if you elect me your next Vice President, I promise you that I will return the office to the same standards once set by such previous Vice Presidents as Levi Parsons Morton, Schuyler Colfax, and Alben W. Barkley.

Who? Exactly.