Mired in mud, war wages on

“Tsuanmi Tuesday” is coming up next week so, here’s my take on what I’m calling “the Malevolent Seven,” the men and woman who would be President. In the interest of making it arbitrary, thereby giving the false impression of impartiality, let’s do it in reverse alphabetical order.

Former Massachusetts Governor, Mitt “perfect hair” Romney (R) has still got the money and the machinery. How will he do on Tuesday? Hard to say, he’ll probably do great in the big states where he’s run ad after ad on TV. He’s taken a lot of flack for being a flip-flopper.

But as appealing as his Reaganesque hair is, I think his biggest drawback will be his biggest strengths. He’s smooth, he’s good looking, and he has a captivating style. Just what any candidate needs right? But he’s too smooth, too good looking, and too stylish. Voters are gonna think he’s a phoney-McFake-pants and avoid him the way you avoid plastic people who are too perfect to be real, which is sad because they might be nice people, but they try too hard.

I am frankly, frightened for Illinois Senator Barrack Obama (D). He genuinely wants to heal our country and be a bridge-repairing consensus builder who reaches across party lines, racial lines, and probably even socio-economic levels. Nobody wants that. Get real. People hate a goody-goody. We like being angry at each other, calling each other names, and blaming each other for our problems.

How could he actually think he could get anywhere with a message of hope and reconciliation? If Bill and Hillary don’t take care of him, the Republicans will find a way to “swift-boat” him. And if he makes it though both of those onslaughts, I’m afraid that the majority of Americans are only pretending to be ready to elect a woman or a Black man. We’re still way more tribal than we want to admit to ourselves.

When you really get down to it, Arizona Senator John McCain (R) is about as old-school Republican as you get, but Republicans don’t think so. See, he proposed the McCain-Feingold Campaign Finance Reform Bill years ago. Yeah, at one time he actually wanted to clean up politics. He’s also come out and publicly said that he’s opposed to torture- which makes sense, seeing as he was once a victim of it.

Be that as it may, he’s said that he’s willing to keep our troops in Iraq for a hundred years if that’s what it takes to win. I guess he forgot that we already won, several years ago. We deposed Saddam Hussein, defeated the Iraqi army and removed the Bathist Party from power. Since then, we’ve pretty much been hanging out, building the world’s largest air base and the world’s largest embassy, and ticking people off.

Then there’s Arkansas Governor Rev. Mike Huckabee (R). Ya want so much to like him because he’s nice and likeable and best friends with Chuck Norris, but there’s just something about him that makes you wonder if he’s not playing that guitar with a few strings missing, no pick, and his amp unplugged.

I’m not talking about the violent criminal activity of his sons, or the fact that he thinks that Pakistan is in Latin America. Even those of us who are on the same page with him on his Evangelical Christian faith and values need to step back and think twice before rushing to amend the Constitution. Of course, he also want so get rid of the IRS- who isn’t for that? Except, funny thing about government services is that they need revenues to pay for them. Even the most radical libertarian likes having an army protect us and appreciates things like roads, bridges, the Center for Disease Control…

How did former New York City Mayor Rudy Guliani (R) do in the Florida primary? When I wrote this a week ago, I could not imagine that his candidacy was going to last too much longer. But who knows? I have a friend who actually thinks that both of the nominations won’t get decided until the conventions this summer.

I feel bad for former South Carolina Senator John Edwards (D), because no one’s really listened to him since the Iowa Caucus. Ah, but not only does he have even better hair than Mitt Romney, but he also has a lot of delegates. He may just end up being the Democratic “King-maker” (or Queen maker, as the case may be). Eventually at least two people are going to start paying attention to him.

Finally there’s New York Senator and former First Lady, Hillary Clinton (D). If a Republican gets elected in November, I won’t blame any third-party candidates, I’ll blame the dirty campaigning and lying that she and her husband Bill were doing back in January.

Letter from your past; time travel isn't easy

One of the drawbacks to writing a once-weekly column is that you have to write it a week ahead of time. That really makes it difficult to respond to current events. For instance, I’m writing this on January 2. On December 31 the big news was still the instability of Pakistan after the assassination of opposition candidate Benazir Bhutto. This morning, nearly 300 people have been killed in Kenya amidst violence after President Mwai Kibaki allegedly stole re-election. Kenya used to be considered one of Africa’s most stable democracies. Now slums in Nairobi are burning, leaving thousands homeless and suggesting that tribal violence may soon tear the nation apart as it has in neighboring Somalia and nearby Rwanda.

God only knows what will be happening in the world when you’re reading this, sometime after January 10.

I’ve been itching to poke fun of twelve different candidates for the U.S. President, but of course I have no clue as I write this what the outcome of the January 3 Iowa Caucus will be.

We should all thank God that there probably won’t be riots or mass murders as a result of the results. And don’t be too quick to assume that we’re too advanced or evolved for that sort of thing to happen here. How different would America be in 2008 if Robert Kennedy hadn’t been assassinated before he had a chance to get his parties nomination back in 1968.

Tuesday, January 8^th was the New Hampshire Primaries. As I write this, some people say that if Barrack Obama wins or gets second in Iowa, he will attract droves of voters in New Hampshire and win handily over Hillary Clinton. Still others anticipate that John Edwards will surprise both of then in Iowa and then New Hampshire and by now (Jan 10) his people will be talking to Obama’s people about the V.P. spot. But from where I sit, a week ago (Jan 2) I think that both states are anybody’s race.

January 19 will be the Republican primary in South Carolina. From Jan 2, I can see Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee absolutely swamping both Guliani and Romney in South Carolina- however, from what I’ve been reading on the web, libertarian Texas Congressman Dr. Ron Paul may be the surprise victor in both Iowa and New Hampshire, throwing the GOP into chaos.

Ron Paul may seem like a fringe candidate, but he has some serious supporters. Recently, when FOX excluded him from presidential debates in New Hampshire, his supporters organized a mass sell-off of their stock in NEWS Corp., FOX’s parent company. No joke, it dropped almost half a point in one day.

Maybe we still won’t have a clear idea of who the two final candidates are until after “Super-Duper Tuesday,” February 5 when 23 states have their primaries and around 40% of the summer convention delegates are decided. Then again, maybe you, living there in Jan 10 know more than I do back here in Jan 2.

Come to think of it, next week (my next week, your last week) Jan. 7 there will be a little gathering of folks in Tulsa that may have a major impact on the shape of America’s oligarchy. At the University of Oklahoma, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg will be having a pow-wow with some movers and shakers to talk about mounting a third-party campaign for the White House. Bloomberg claims that he’s not planning to run for President, but listen to some of the big-Whigs he has coming to this conference: Democrats like former senators Sam Nunn (Ga.) and former presidential candidate Gary Hart. Republicans like Sen. Chuck Hagel (Neb.), former party chairman Bill Brock, and former New Jersey governor Christine Todd Whitman.

Other people planning to attend include William S. Cohen, a former Republican senator from Maine and defense secretary in the Clinton administration, Bob Graham, a former Democratic senator from Florida; Jim Leach, a former Republican congressman from Iowa; Susan Eisenhower, a political consultant and granddaughter of former president Dwight D. Eisenhower!

Now, if they aren’t up to something serious, then Ralph Nader didn’t screw things up for Al Gore in Florida in 2002.

Who knows, what the future holds? Well, I guess you do since from here in Jan 2, my future is your past there in Jan 10. Lets hope it’s a good one.

Get ready, Momma’s comin’

Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper - Schleswig Leader, Thursday, August 9, 2007 - Page 3

I know, I know, the election is still 16 months away, caucuses still five months away so maybe it’s too early for this, but I think it may not be too soon to face the inevitable. Uncle Sam may soon become Aunt Samantha.

Mind you, I’m no Hillary supporter. If Iowa moved up the caucus I’d probably support New Mexico Governor Richardson if I were serious or former Alaska Congressman Gravel if I really felt like annoying people.

I know that a lot of things can happen in 16 months, including John Edwards winning Iowa. I know a lot of readers around here aren’t prepared to contemplate any Democrat as our next President. But maybe it will be easier to for us all to get used to the idea of a “Commanderess-in-Chief” if we start on it now so we have a almost year and a half for it to sink in.

I know it’s especially hard for my Republican friends, but come on- will most Republicans really get excited about most of the Republican candidates?

Giuliani has had how many divorces? Pro-Choice? New York City Firefighters oppose him because these heroes of 9/11 say he’s screwed them over?

Fred “Hollywood” Thompson and his half-his-age arm candy wife only raised half as much money as he hoped to in the first month of his non campaign.

John “Anger Management” McCain has pretty much lost his entire campaign staff.

And then there’s Mitt “First Mormon” Romney. Mormonism, that’s the one with all the polygamy and the secret underwear, right? But he’s from Massachusetts and used to flip on gay civil unions and abortion, but now he flops instead of flipping.

As much as some right-wingers loved to cultivate a visceral hatred for her husband Bill, Clinton is probably the most conservative of all the Democratic presidential candidates. The Clintons are charter members of the Democratic Leadership Council, the group that wanted to bring their party closer to the moderate center or even a little to the right in order to remain viable during the Reagan era. Like the GOP, the DLC is sympathetic to corporate interests and the interests of the wealthy.

FYI; Ken Starr’s law firm has contributed more to Hillary’s campaign than to the top four Republican campaigns combined.

So not only will she be good for hate-marketeers like Limbaugh, O’Rielly and Savage, she might also be good for business. What helps me tolerate the DLC more than the GOP is that they believe in fiscal restraint and responsibility. They don’t believe in huge deficits, operating off-the-books and raiding the Social Security Trust Fund, or in handing massive tax cuts to the wealthiest 2% and oil companies. Just “major” tax “incentives,” not massive tax cuts.
So, we’ve got almost a year and a half to get used to the Washington Post’s fashion reporter getting excited about whether or not the CSPAN camera caught a glimpse of Senator Clinton’s cleavage during a speech about college funding.

Remember the 60’s when people opposed women’s rights because they were afraid that it would lead to unisex bathrooms because civil rights had eliminated racially segregated bathrooms?

Remember the 70’s when comedians could joke about not wanting a woman president because she might drop the bomb if she got PMS?

Remember the 80’s when people started talking half-serious about a woman president because Geraldine Ferraro was the Democratic candidate for Vice President?

Remember the 90’s when women were becoming successful in business but they had to be tougher than men to do it, so we couldn’t imagine a “Fatal Attraction” kind of woman as President?

Well, you might want to get ready for all our old chauvinistic attitudes to become memories.

Longshot visits pizza joint

Traci and Pete Christophersen listen to Republican Presidential candidate John Cox at the Picadilly Circus Thursday afternoon, July 26.

John Cox is a venture capitalist from the Chicago area who is running for the Republican Presidential nomination. Cox stopped in Mapleton last Thursday as part of a tour of all 99 counties in Iowa.

Cox spoke mostly about Iraq, pointing out that it is producing less oil than it did before the United States invaded four years ago. He believes that it is a mistake to expect either a military solution to work, like other Republicans, or to look for a political solution, like many of the Democratic candidates propose. Cox believes that the best thing for Iraq is an economic solution.

Cox proposes an approach similar to the “Marshall Plan” used to reconstruct Europe after WWII. Except that rather than having America pay for it, he believes that Iraq can pay for it’s own recovery because it is capable of producing five million barrels of oil per day. According to Cox, that much oil would bring Iraq somewhere between 75 and 80 billion dollars a year, enough to pay for plenty American force or private security.

Cox imagines that kind of prosperity arousing envy among Iranian citizens and transforming the Middle East.

The former lawyer and accountant considers himself a Reagan-Republican and proposes eliminating all income taxes and replacing them with a 23% national sales tax that he believes would discourage indebtedness and encourage investment.
___________________________________________________________________________________ Back Story; The regular reporter was gone today at the Mapleton PRESS offices so Ann, the Office Manager asked me if I wanted to go over and get a picture of this guy, "if you want to, I don't really care."

Neither of us had ever heard of him. I looked him up on the web to get a little background.

Seems he told the Sioux City Journal that he's "No Barack as far as drawing crowds," but that's not going to stop him. Traci, Pete, their son and I were the only three people in the place. He rattled on about how we could win in Iraq if we could just have their power on for more than an hour a day and then zeroed in on me, like I'm gonna give him SO much publicity and it will be SO positive.

Our publisher made it clear back when I tried covering Obama that our coverage of candidates will be short and general for all of them in order to be fair and balanced.

Note to ALL candidates if you want a crown, tell people sooner than ten minutes before that you're coming.

"Did you give him the hard questions?" Ann would ask me later. I don't know, we had all of five minutes and I hadn't really prepared.

The 23% sales tax really threw me. Here I thought that most Reagonomics fans were brazenly in favor of helping the super-rich and the corporations enough already- AND I thought that Steve Forbes was a nut job with his idea for a 10% Flat tax back in the 90's. Could you imagine having to pay 23% on a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread? How about adding 23% more to a gallon of gas? Try tacking on another 23% to the cost of a house. What is he THINKING?

Talk about hurting the poor, working class, and middle-classes and letting the wealthy and big companies hold onto their stock options, portfolios and inheritances! I appreciate his concern that America had a negative savings rate last year and that credit is way too easy to come by so we're all spending ourselves into a hole, but get real.

And these Reaganites think we Lefties are whacked? No wonder in recent polls most Americans say that their favorite G.O.P. candidate is "none of the above!"

Just how ready are we?

Just how ready are we?
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper — Schleswig Leader, Thursday, March 1, 2007 – Page 3

There was a time when people asked if America was ready for a Catholic President. Then there was John Kennedy. People wondered if we were ready for a divorced President, then there was Ron Reagan.

This time around, of course people are asking a lot of those kinds of questions.
Would we be ready for Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, a Mormon?

I’ll admit, I’d be one of those who aren’t especially comfortable with that, considering some of the theology of the Church of Ladder Day Saints, under close scrutiny it doesn’t look a whole lot better than Scientology.

Of course, plenty of members of government, including a few Presidents and many of our founders were Free Masons and we’re still here.
Ordinarily, you expect a “lefty” like me to be more tolerant than that. Certainly no one bat an eyelash when Joe Lieberman was the first serious Jewish primary candidate and then Vice Presidential candidate. Of course Judaism is a lot older than Mormonism and after all, Jesus is Jewish. (was Jewish if you don’t believe in His resurrection, is an alien from another planet if you believe what some religions teach).

There was a time when you just couldn’t be Italian and from New York and run for President. People whispered “mob” under their breath when talking about Mario Cuomo.

This time around, New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is a pretty serious candidate. Three wives and two gay roommates? Cancer survivor? These are all things that not so many years ago would’ve killed him as a Democrat, but the leadership he showed during the September 11 attacks have made hip appealing to both parties.

And, lest I tip toe around the elephants (er, donkeys) in the living room, the big questions that Newsweek magazine has been asking are whether or not America is ready for a woman or a Black President?

That may be the wrong question. What Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama may need to ask themselves is whether or not Iowa and New Hampshire are ready for them?

Lots of people thought that Howard Dean was a regular juggernaut in 2004, but Iowans weren’t sold on him and his internet based base of college egg head progressives. Iowa Democrats like tall, slow moving veterans like John Kerry and good old fashioned, pro labor, pro agriculture Midwestern Democrats like Richard Gebhardt. And then Dean screamed like a Hockey-Dad when he celebrated placing third in our caucus and it was completely over then.

So, how can they expect to win us over? Hillary has to not just distance herself from her husband, but maybe from New York too. She should appeal to her Illinois roots and maybe even the fact that she was a “Goldwater girl.”

Because I know readers who I easily rile won’t believe this , especially about me, but basically, even Iowa Democrats are fairly conservative.

If Hillary wants to win Iowa over, she has to come off as a steady, clear-headed, hard working matriarch. She can’t be too attractive so that we think of her as a woman. But she can’t be too shrill so that we think of her as trying too hard to seem tougher than a man either. Practical, wise, steady. Slow to talk but says the right thing when she does. That’s what I imagine Iowans would like if Uncle Sam were to be replaced with an Aunt Samantha.

There have been plenty of Black candidates for President. The Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton. But I think that neither of them were Presidential candidates who happened to be Black, Let’s face it, they were both Black candidates. Jackson has represented minorities and the down-trodden his entire career. Not every American is down-trodden. And Sharpton? Well, let’s just say he made Jackson look mainstream.

Of course, and for a while, the perennial non-candidate General Collin Powell. I think that if he came out and pointed fingers and named names and apologized for helping lie us into war, most Americans would still like to draft him for President.

All Obama really has to do is make sure he defines himself and not let Fox news or other right-wing propagandists do it for him. He’s running as a Democrat, not as a Black Democrat.
So far he also talks the talk of a post-partisan, someone who just happens to be a Democrat, almost like he happens to be Black. He speaks his own mind, and speaks carefully and eloquently. Those are things Iowans like; making up your own mind and knowing what the heck you’re talking about.

After the last six years, I’m certainly ready for some of that.

Telephone- it’s for you

Telephone- it’s for you
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper — Schleswig Leader, Thursday, February 22, 2007 – Page 3

You’ll never believe who called me the other night.

I was sitting there at my daughter’s dance class, minding my own business when out of the blue, I received a call on my cell phone from someone I hadn’t talked to since high school.

I don’t mean to drop names but it was none other than Arizona Senior Senator John McCain. I hadn’t heard from John since I was at a press conference he held at the Arizona Republic/Phoenix Gazette building for teen journalists.

I was so excited, I couldn’t believe someone so prominent would have my cell phone number. He said he wanted to invite me to some barbecue in Des Moines. I tried to tell him that I’d really need to check my calendar and talk to my wife first and that’s when I realized that I wasn’t talking to John McCain, his answering machine was somehow talking to me. Only it didn’t beep and let me record a message. And I thought it was really strange that I’d reach someone’s answering machine when I hadn’t called him, he- that is, it called me.

And so it begins. The Iowa Caususes are almost a year away, and the general election won’t be for another ten months after that.

But this is Iowa after all, we’re like that rhinestone cowboy that Glen Campbell used to sing about, “getting cards and letters from people I don’t even know, and offers coming over the phone.”
Here are just a few- a few of the folks who you can expect mail, calls and visits from:
You already know several of the Democrats, now former Governor Tom Visack’s campaign for Vice President has been underway for a long time. Did you catch my crack? I know he SAYS he’s running for President, but come on.

Then there are the big two, Senators Clinton from New York (by way of Washington, by way of Arkansas, by way of Illinois) and Obama from Illinois, by way of Hawaii. You’d expect me to write about them, so I won’t.... this week.

There are a few other lesser known Democrats, Senators Fiengold from Wisconsin, Consinich from Ohio and Governor Richardson from New Mexico.

Did you even know that Indiana Senator Evan Bayh was running? Or what about Virgina Governor Mark Warner? Actually, I think he dropped out already, but there are a lot of people who are trying to draft him.

Speaking of movements to draft candidates, Al Gore recently was nominated not only for an Oscar for his documentary film about global warming, but also for a Nobel Peace Prize. Even if he doesn’t run, maybe if he wins either of those other awards, he’ll feel vindicated for having won the popular vote in 2000 and having the Supreme Court hand it to George W instead.

There’s always former North Carolina Senator John Edwards.

And Delaware Senator Joe Biden, even though he probably ruined his chances when he in a mildly racist way, referred to Barack Obama as “clean and articulate.”

Which makes Obama at least one up on the current president, who can’t speak about No Child Left Behind without saying “you know,” and “like” every other sentence.

Is there anyone in the Senate who’s NOT running for President?

The only people we really hear about on TV are McCain, Clinton, and Obama, but there are as many or more Republicans out there as there are Democrats.

I’ve talked about my favorite (no sarcasm or irony, I promise) Senator Chuck Hagel of Nebraska. I think he’s the straight-talker that McCain wishes he still was.

Former 9/11 Mayor- oops, I mean New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani recently announced but odd are against him winning over the ultra-conservative religious-right base.

Former New York Governor George Pataki is rumored to be thinking about it.

Some people think that former Florida Jeb Bush would have little or no chance since his brother has become so unpopular even with Republicans.

Former Massachusetts Governor Mit Romney wants to be the first Mormon President, which means he has a Salt Lake City snowball’s chance in Hell (pun certainly intended).

Another guy I think you should seriously look at (seriously) is a former Governor of Arkansas... a man from a place called “Hope”...

No, not that guy, the other former Governor from Hope Arkansas, Mike Huckabee. He lost 110 pounds, he plays guitar, he ran a marathon with Tom Vilsack, and he’s a former Baptist minister but he has been critical of some stances taken by the conventional “religious-right.”

I didn't have room in the newspaper to mention Elizabeth Dole, Condaleeza Rice, Colin Powell, Sam Brownback from Kansas, Former Wisc. Gov. Tommy Thompson, and of course the architect of evil before Carl Rove took over from him, Newt Gingritch! God save us!

Ted Mallory lives in Charter Oak and teaches at Boyer Valley Schools in Dunlap. ‘Ted’s Column’ has appeared weekly in the Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper since 2002. If you’d like to see any of Ted’s editorial cartoons bigger and brighter, you can visit http://tmal.multiply.com/photos/album/2

Why she's not viable

Hate to say it, but this is her biggest problem and why so many Dems are more interested in Obama and Richardson, and Edwards, and Fienstein, etc. etc.

The irony is that she is probably the most conservative of any Democrat in the running. She and former President Bill are charter members of the "Blue Dogs," the Democratic Leadership Council, a group of major middle-of the road moderates who are pro-business and all about fiscal responsibility, balanced budgets, reduced deficits, etc. Everything that the Republican party USED to be about. But because there was an element with such vicious and viceral hatred for her and her husband, she has been demonized as some sort of dangerous liberal-extremist icon.

So, ironically, she's divicive even though she and Bill have always practiced bi-particanship. She is imensely compitent and qualified, but she's exactly who the Republicans want because they know thay can beat her because they've already successfully defined her in the public's preceptions.

Plus, I don't know that we want to be volleying between family dynasties anyway. It makes us look like a cheap bannaba-republic. Nixon used to be paranoid about the Kennedys and successfully destroyed Teddy's presidential aspirations. Remeber, that's where Woodward & Bernstien started their investigation- when someone tipped them off that former CIA agent E. Howard Hunt, working in Nixon's Special Council (Chuck Colson's) office was investigating Kennedy... but I digress

Jimbo for President

The other day I had an original idea. Okay, and almost original idea.

I Googled it to make sure and found that ALMOST nobody has taken this idea very seriously before.

My idea is Jimmy Buffett for President 2008. It's not a TOTALLY new idea. Former House Majority Leader, Texas Republican Dick Armey once tried to start a "Buffett for President" campaign back in 2002, but the Florida pirate and musician asked him not to, then made a campaign contribution to Florida Democrat Bob Graham's campaign.

And needless to say that Buffett's fans, known as "Parrotheads" have already printed T-shirts and his merchandising people have already made up bumper stickers, but other than Armey and the Parrotheads, I'm the first person to come up with this idea.

When you think about it, it's a fabulous idea. Our current President pretended to land a plane on an aircraft carrier, likes to work on his ranch and can cuss like a sailor. Jimmy Buffet flies his own sea-plane, likes to hang out on the beach and really is a sailor.

I hear you scoff. But the author of such hits as "Margaritaville," "Cheeseburger in Paradise," and "Why don't we get drunk and screw?" actually has some genuine political experience.

Buffett has been the honorary mayor of Key West, the honorary President of the Conch Republic and of course the President and CEO of the "Margaritaville" chain of restaurants and merchandise store.

There are going to be things that neither Republicans or Democrats will like. Democrats may not be keen on how Jimmy would be okay with Free Trade. Republicans certainly won't like the legalization of various substances that show up at beach parties. You can never please everyone, but that's the point in proposing a third party, the "Parrot-ican-icrats."

Hawks may be frustrated because Parroticancrats are very laid-back.

They never rush in to anything let alone a fight. Doves may eventually be dismayed someday though, if some other nation just happens to go too far, especially if the Parrothead-in-chief will have had a few too many that day because he won't put up with any crap from anybody, unless he feels like it.

Just imagine the first 100 days of legislative proposals. Lime will be the national fruit, Rum and Tequila will become the official national mixers, the hammock will become the official national outdoor sleeping place thing and shrimp the official appetizer. And don't forget the national shirt-wear, Hawaiian.

And just so you know that he's got a whole team assembled to handle the world's problems, here are a few suggestions for cabinet:

Vice President will be Joel Walsh, formerly of the "Eagles," now touring again with his band the "James Gang." I know you were expecting Allan Jackson, but I figured him for Secretary of State. We need somebody tall to impress all those world leaders.

Besides, Jimmy asked around and Joel was the only person who wanted the job. In fact, here's what Walsh said about his role:

"If I was Vice President you know what I'd do? Pretty much anything I wanted to. I'd have a first class seat on Air Force One. An awesome pad in Washington D.C. (If you vote for me) Play golf all day with heads of state, if they brought beer wouldn't that be great? I can't wait!"

Just to keep the Red-Staters and hawks happy, we'd make Toby Kieth Secretary of Defense. He seems to know where to place American boots when necessary.

Bruce "the Boss" Springstien would be Secretary of Labor.

Willie Nelson and John Cougar Mellencamp will become Co-Secretaries of Agriculture- what with all their work on "Farm Aid" and all. And you don't want Willie at either the IRS or the DEA.

Reggae artist Ziggy Marley will become Secretary of Education, that way no child will be left behind without first “learning about peace, love, and surfing, mon.”

I figure Jimmy Buffet and Warren Buffett have to be related somehow, so we'll appoint the "Oracle of Omaha" Secretary of the Treasury.

Heck, I don't know why somebody didn't think of that one before- President Buffet may just want to put me in charge of the Ministry of Great Ideas.

Here's another idea; instead of having the inauguration on the steps of the Capital in DC, we'll have it at sunset on "Mallory Square" in Key West.

I just hope this goes farther than the "Bullwinkle for President" bandwagon I jumped on a few years back, or the Bozo campaign before that.