Things I learned in Professor Jones’ Class

There was a discount movie theater near our house growing up and one summer, Raiders of the Lost Ark was playing there. My brother and I went to see it at the midnight movies every night in a row for two weeks. By the second week we were driving people crazy, sitting in the front row, reciting lines before the actors would.

So last week when I was back in Arizona form my niece’s baptism, I was pumped when my five year old nephew invited me to see the latest Indy movie with them.

Five year old boys have an uncanny ability to recite lines, describe plots, and especially to emulate sound effects from action movies. Daniel has worn out two of the three videotapes he has of the earlier movies, so it was like old times for me and his dad.

People who dissect the Star Wars movies looking for literary merit have credited George Lucas with crafting a new mythology. What he does with the Indiana Jones movies is to capitalize on preexisting myths by repackaging them with a big dose of good old American pop-culture. He and his partners cooked up another serving of cultural iconography like no one else can. Lucas, Spielberg, composer John Williams and Harrison Ford all make gold of any project they touch, but in combination- they have mythological powers.

So what if Doctor Henry Jones Jr. is just a fictional character on the movie screen, he still has impacted at least two generations of Americans with the lessons only he could teach- and not just in archeology, ancient art and antiquities.

For instance, from Raider’s we learn:

• Always wear a jacket, even if it’s a hundred degrees and humid as a Yucatan rain forest.
• Don’t be afraid of spiders.
  
• Try to replace whatever you take with something about the same size.
  
• When a problem gets too big, you must whip it.
  
• Always bring a gun to a knife fight.
  
• Pay attention in Sunday School.
  
• Be careful meddling with powers you don’t understand.
  
• Always read both sides of everything.
  
• Don’t eat dates if you notice there’s a dead monkey around.
  
• Never trust NAZIs and be wary of Frenchmen.
  
• Snakes can be dangerous.
  
• There’s always a way out of anything, even if you have to make it up as you go.
  
• When someone thinks they’re about to unleash the power of God, close your eyes and keep them closed.
  
• And, the government maybe keeping a lot of secrets, but they don’t know what most of them are.

From the Temple of Doom:

• Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device.
  
• You can travel from China to India very quickly, but you may not enjoy the ride.
  
• Monkey brains should be served cold.
  
• Never eat anything that looks back at you.
  
• If someone tells you to eat your heart out, don’t let their hand get anywhere near your chest.
  
• Potato shaped rocks may look worthless, but they may be important to someone.
  
• Children are treasure.
  
• When working in mines, make sure your mine cart has good brakes.
  
• Before you go cutting ties, grab something to hold on to.

From Last Crusade:

• Don’t be selfish, some things belong in a museum.
• The Boy Scouts can teach you a lot, especially how to be prepared.
  
• If you have to get chased by bad guys on a train in the desert southwest, make sure it’s not a circus train.
  
• Listen to your father.
  
• When it comes to treacherous NAZI spies, beautiful Austrian women are as dangerous as ugly German men.
  
• Likewise, you can’t always trust American business men.
  
• Penitence is important.
  
• Let your footsteps be guided by God’s word.
  
• Don’t be afraid to take a leap of faith.
  
• Jesus isn’t into flashy jewel-encrusted gold chalices, like any carpenter, His cup is just a simple clay pot.
  
• A good relationship with your Dad is worth more than youth or power.

And from Crystal Skull:

• Always carry a compass.
  
• Greedy friends will turn on you.
  
• If you need to survive an imminent nuclear blast, hide inside a lead-lined refrigerator.
  
• No matter how much you do for your country, people will still question your patriotism.
  
• A real friend is someone who will sacrifice a job for you.
  
• Never bring a knife to a gunfight.
  
• If you want to be an archaeologist, you’re going to have to get out of the library.
  
• Finish school.
  
• Relationships are more important than careers.
  
• It’s important to always return things that don’t belong to you.
  
• The greatest treasure is knowledge.
  
• Don’t mess with ants.
  
• And too much of human existence is lost in waiting, but it’s never too late to start again.

And above all, the right hat can make a man a legend.

Raiders of the Lost Rs

Professor Jones had just finished his lecture and was explaining to the museum curator about how a competing archaeologist had set a trap for him and taken the idol which Jones had spent months trying to procure.

“Of course, Indy, of course, you know the museum will pay for anything you have, but my friend,” Brody urged, you may have something bigger to tackle for now,” and he ushered his colleague into the college library where two very official looking men were waiting by a research table in trench coats, brief cases, gray fedora hats and dark glasses.

“Dr. Jones,” the bigger man greeted him as all four settled into library chairs, “what do you know about the ‘invisible hand’ of Adam Smith?”

“Legends mostly, it’s a powerful myth among some western civilizations, especially the oil seeking tribes of old white male elephants and war hawks in North America,” the grizzled adventurer noted, “they treat it like a deity, really, supposed to guide the ebb and flow of financial markets.”

“We’ve found evidence in the beltway of this cult, policy makers chanting an obscure incantation ‘Laissez-faire,’ and something about a great god ‘Reagan’ and cutting things call ‘the prime rate,’ does any of this make sense to you?"

“Oh, sheez ,” Jones mumbled as he rubbed his face. “Let me read you something that a very wise man once wrote,” he started as he pulled a yellowed and dog-eared edition from his leather satchel.

“…Practices of the unscrupulous money changers stand indicted in the court of public opinion, rejected by the hearts and minds of men…they have tried, but their efforts have been cast in the pattern of an outworn tradition. Faced by failure of credit, they have proposed only the lending of more money-” Jones read with the help of his seldom worn spectacles.

“He, he’s ssu su-saying that they had let things get out of hand because of their own greed and materialism and then when they tried to fix it, they just did more of the same- like throwing gas on a ff-fa-fire, is that right?” asked the smaller of the two men, nervously fiddling with his own glasses.

“Something like that,” sighed the hard-boiled hero.

“Is there anything we can do? A better way? Even if it’s difficult and takes years to get back on track?” Inquired the big man. “There’s great fear of an ancient demon, the elephant and hawk tribes fear it so much that they dare not even utter it’s name, ‘Ree-Sez-Eon’ or something like that.”

This drew another heavy sigh from the archaeologist. He stood up slowly, ran his hand threw his hair, and headed for a section of books behind where the g-men were sitting.
“What is it?” asked the bigger man.

“The Rs the Rs” Jones muttered almost under his breath.

“Ah, the ARRRs,” nodded his friend Marcus Brody in recognition.

“What are these ‘ares?’ wh-what are they?” asked the little man in glasses.
Indiana Jones traced his finger along the spines of several large books until he finally found the one he needed. He slipped it off the shelf, dragging cob webs and the smell of mildew with it. Insects scurries into the dark gap left by the heavy volume.

“Here,” Jones said as he heaved the massive book in front of the two agents, opening it to the middle, a cloud of dust in it’s wake. He carefully brushed away another layer of dust with his hand and began tracing a column of paragraphs with his finger, stopping in the middle and pointing, “Here,” he said, pointing again with his finger to emphasize the discovery. Each of the men scooted closer in their seats, the one straightened his glasses while the other pulled a pair out of his coat pocket and put them on, straining to read the ancient words.

“Relief, Recovery, and Reform?” read the larger man who’d just donned his glasses.

“Yeah,” sighed Jones, as if the weight of the world depended on the words. “Relief, Recovery, and most importantly REFORM,” he repeated.

“In the first part of the century, the people practiced strange religions, ‘materialism,’ ‘unsupervised capitalism,’ ‘conspicuous consumption,’ ‘social-Darwinism,’ they were ruthless, heartless, and above all reckless cults that not only raped the land of resources but built empires on the backs of the poor and the middle classes. Ironically, the elephants and hawks held onto power by making the under-classes afraid of what they called ‘class-warfare’ and socialism, not to mention immigrants and Blacks.” He explained, “It was terrible, banks failed, unemployment skyrocketed…”

“And these three ‘R’s fixed everything?” the large man pressed.

“Well, you’re never going to have things perfect,” said Jones, “The deal was that you had to be pragmatic. The important thing was to try to make things fair for the most people, not just the people who already had it good. Of course there were also some very important pieces like collective bargaining for workers- which of course meant letting them to organize in the first place. A progressive tax structure, the idea was that we’re all in this together and the more you could handle, the more you were asked to take on. That way, it was easier for the people who actually worked for a living to save and get ahead. And then there was the biggest R of all was what prevented things like bank failures in the first place,” Jones paused for dramatic effect, and gave the g-men an intense look, “Regulation.”

"What kind of a book is this?" asked the two men it ogether.

"U.S.History, what else?" he replied.