How the Big XII is like the Middle East

I didn't write this, although I wish I had. This was a forwarded email humor that someone else borrowed from another someone' else's Facebook profile. My guess is the original author is a Texas fan. The Huskers will rise again! Bo Knows.

KANSAS = Saudi Arabia. Not altogether a bad place; has had historical success in oil and basketball, and continues to be a world leader in those areas. However, parts of the ruling family tends to thrive on its excess, much to its detriment; a certain prince's fondness for American culture (especially for its sweet baked goods) could very well lead to its downfall.

KANSAS STATE = Armenia. No one wants to be here, especially the Armenians. What's more, nobody really knows where it is. First came to prominence just a decade ago, and nobody can really remember it existing as an independent nation before that. Primary exports: Corn, junior college transfers.

NEBRASKA = Egypt. Was once a great power; its history, through the ages, is matched by few. Has languished in recent years, failing to recognize its new place in the world order as a follower, and not the leader it once was. Its people tend to be the friendliest to its neighbors, though still harboring a long simmering, yet contained, hatred for Israel.

COLORADO = United Arab Emirates. An incredibly refined populace -- probably because it's impossible to make it your home unless you're incredibly wealthy. Does its best to compete with its neighbors, but has resigned itself to being the playground of the region, instead of one of its traditional powers. Doesn't have a baseball team.

IOWA STATE = Afghanistan. There's really no reason that this nation should even exist, and if it weren't for previous colonial empires, it probably wouldn't. Easily overlooked over the last 300 years, its people are a ramshackle alliance of groups that don't belong anywhere else. Wishes to God, Allah, and whoever else that it would either cease to exist, or be swallowed up by Pakistan to the south, or the University of Iowa to the west.

MISSOURI = Turkey. Everyone is still trying to figure out how it got mixed up in this region, anyway. They're a member of NATO. Shouldn't they be in the Big Ten?

OKLAHOMA STATE = Syria. Nobody pays attention to them until they start mouthing off to the other nations around it. Will occasionally attack its neighbors, with varying success, with most of its successes coming in areas that others couldn't care less about, like wrestling.

TEXAS TECH = Iran. Really, REALLY wants to be noticed in the international community. Will go so far as to fake the development of nuclear weapons, or choose homicidal, maniacal, self-aggrandizing men as their president/basketball coach, just to get noticed. Incredibly eccentric as a nation. Has a deep-seated hatred of both Israel and Iraq--and a huge inferiority complex to go along with it. Very arid, dry climate featuring frequent windstorms.

BAYLOR = Lebanon. Everything they do is just a cluster, and no matter what they do, nothing ever seems to get better. Every once in awhile, it'll nip at the ankles of one of the larger nations, and piss off those other nations just enough to where they're smacked down and consequently can't achieve anything noteworthy for the next ten years.

OKLAHOMA = Iraq. Lies, cheats, and steals to get its way in the international community. If caught doing something wrong, or illegal, its excuse is that "everybody else has done it, we just get caught." No one wants to live here, but everybody that does wishes they could move away. Recently has undergone minor restructuring due to numerous ethics violations.

TEXAS = Israel. Pretty much everyone else in the region hates them. Can destroy lesser countries at will using incredibly advanced tactics. Not relegated to the stone-age lifestyle of many of its neighboring nations. Home of God's chosen people.

TEXAS A&M = Palestine. Doesn't actually exist as an entity to really be dealt with, but loves nothing more than to take pot-shots at Israel, just to tick them off. Economy based on farming, with an emphasis on sheep. Continuously complains that they're the real power in the region, and that their status should supersede that of Israel. Religious zealotry abounds; small, infrequent attacks on its neighbors are hailed as moral victories.

The Middle East Untangled

The Middle East Untangled

Page 3 Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper & Schleswig Leader- Thursday, August 17, 2006

The most important thing to remember about the Middle East is to remember that it's not any ONE thing. It's LOTS of very different things. Too many supposed "experts" on TV "news" fail to differentiate between all these different and not always directly related, complicated things.
"Muslims" are followers of "Islam" (God's way). They believe that God, ("Allah"- that is "the One worthy to be praised" ) is this "Jehovah" of the original Jews, but that somehow they have gone terribly wrong. They believe that Allah's final and most important prophet was a guy by the name of "Mohammed."

I guess the mountain wouldn't come to him, so he went to it and they believe Allah gave him the last word in scripture, the Koran (sometimes spelled Qur'an).

There are 5 "pillars" believers must adhere to in this faith; 1) belief in only one (not triune) god and that Muhammad is his prophet, 2) daily prayer, 3) concern and giving charity for the poor, 4) self-purification through fasting, and 5) making a pilgrimage to the Kaaba in Mecca if you have the means. This is where they believe that Abraham built an altar with his son Ishmael. Whenever they pray, Muslims face the Kaaba, no matter where they are in the world.

But Islam is by no means uniform. First there's Sunnah ("the Muslim way of life") followed by Sunni Muslims. They have a second book besides the Koran, called the Hadith. In theory, this form of Islam is pacifist and they think of Mohammed and the Koran as absolutely inerrant only when it comes to theology, but not necessarily so for civil and cultural law. This is the biggest denomination in Islam, 80%. They think that Mohammed set up a council of "Imans", or leaders after his death.

Then there's Shi'a, practiced by Shiites, 20% if Muslims. They think that Muhammad's Koran is the absolute inerrant word of Allah on all topics. You might call them "Fundamentalist." They're much more militant. They believed that Mohammed appointed his cousin (who was also his sin-in-law) his sole successor.

But there is also "Ibadi" Islam, an even more conservative sect set up
50 years after Mohammed's death in Oman. And then there's Wahhabism. This is an extremist, fundamentalist sect of Sunnism. "Wahhabi" is a pretty funny sounding name, that's probably why they prefer to call themselves. "Salafist."

"Salaf" means "the earlier generations. They follow the teachings of their founder, Muhammad ibn al Wahhab. They believe that they are the ONLY true practitioners of Islam, not merely a sect. (Sounds like lots of Christians I know.) As you can imagine, they are going to hate Shiites like the Irish Protestants hate Irish Catholics. They are
going to resent mainstream Sunnis the way "born-again" fundamentalists think that main-line Christians are somehow lazy hypocrites.

Osama bin Laden and Alqueda, the perpetrators of the 911 attacks are Wahhabists. Bin Laden may be hiding out in either Afghanistan or Pakistan but he is from Saudi Arabia. They are predominantly Sunni, own lots of oil, have a royal family, NOT a democracy, and they're supposedly our allies. We gave bin Laden and other groups in Afghanistan tons of money and weapons in the 1980's to fight the Soviet Union.

Bin Laden loathed and hated Saddam Hussein, but not as much as America. Saddam Hussein is a non-religious Sunni. His Ba'athist party was nationalistic and fascist. It's ironic because Iraq isn't one nation. It's a bunch of nationalities pieced together first after WWI and then again after WWII. There are Sunnis, Shiahs, Kurds, Turks, a handful of Jews and Christians. All of whom pretty much hate each other. That may be why it's basically disintegrated into chaos. The poor majority of Iraqis were Shiite and had been persecuted by Hussein.

We gave Hussein tons of money and weapons in the '80's to fight Iran and so he'd like us more than the Soviet Union.

Muhamoud Ahmadinejad is the current President of Iran, who hates Iraq (they had a war in the '80's). Iran used to be one of our greatest allies in the Middle East until they had a revolution in 1979. Their Shah, or king, who violated lots of human rights and lived a pretty extravagant lifestyle at his subject's expense. We gave the Shah lots of money and weapons so he'd like us more than the Soviet Union.

You might remember their revolution was led by a the Ayatollah (supreme leader) Ruhollah Musavi Khomeini, who practiced a mystic version of Shi'a called Irfan- sort of like what Salafism is to Sunnism.

As you may have heard, Ahmadinejad wants nuclear power- we think he want's the bomb. (Pakistan and Israel both have the bomb. Pakistan and India hate each other, Iran pretty much hates Israel, but I'm not sure why, except that their Jews.) You also may remember that our President indelicately characterized Iran as part of an "Axis of Evil" in a speech a few years ago, along with North Korea two countries that have absolutely nothing to do with each other or with bin Laden or Alqueda.

Back in the '80's the Reagan Administration had Israel sell weapons to Iran for us and then we used the proceeds to fund a band of right-wing terrorists called the "Contras" in Nicaragua. Remember that one?

Lebanon used to be a pretty westernized, country just North of Israel. Last year they held these big protests to get rid of a President who supported a political movement called Hezbolah who are supported by Syria, which is just east of Israel and sort of West of Iran and Iraq. But their new President didn't bother to disarm Hezbolah or get them away from the Israeli border.Yes, "disarm." See Hezbollah is a political party and a paramilitary movement, kind of like "Sinn Fein" is the political version of the Irish Republican Army.

Hezbolah's Secretary General is a guy named Sheikh Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah. They like to mix politics and religion. They're Shiites and Hezbolah means "the party of God." (Sounds like "Conservative-Christians.") Anyway, they don't think Israel should
exist since it was pretty much created by the U.N. after WWII and they want Lebanese prisoners released by Israel. All the latest hubbub started when they kidnapped a couple of Israeli policemen.

Meanwhile, Israel had hoped to have peace with the Palestinians (Muslims who claim to have been displaced when Israel was created.) Unfortunately the political party called "the Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO)" was replaced in democratic elections this past year by a party called "Hamas."

"Hamas" means "The Islamic Resistance Movement" Hamas are Sunni, so they hate Hezbollah for being Shi'a, but of course, they hate Israel more. Many Palestinian expatriates living in Saudi Arabia and Syria send their support to Hamas, who demand that Israel pull out of Gaza and the West Bank area along the Jordan river. With the PLO, Israel had been negotiating peaceful coexistence. Two nations in one place, so to speak.

So, it should be clear that it's not so clear. What is clear is that this is a time and a region that requires delicate diplomacy. I appreciate the desire to "take the battle to the terrorists," and that waiting for politicians and diplomats to work can be frustrating because it doesn't seem as satisfyingly clear and concrete as firm military action- but it just seems to be part of a cycle of counter production.

Middle Easterners (regardless of whether they're Muslim or not or which strain of Islam) resent America for our decadence or for our meddling in everybody else's affairs (playing policeman to the world) or because of our influence over their oil. But they aren't necessarily out to take over the world and attack all Jews and Christians. They
disagree with, resent, and even hate each other too much to cooperate that much.

We still haven't caught bin Laden, five years after the first 9/11 attacks and we've strained our military and resources (not to mention American and Iraqi lives) on an unnecessary invasion of Iraq- that had nothing to do with Alqueda or 9/11.

Israel's reaction to Hezbollah may have been excessive, but this doesn't have to become WWIII. When something similar happened in the '90's, President Clinton called up the President of Syria and asked him to get Hezbollah to back off and they did.

The "War on Terror" was supposed to be taking out Alqueda, not taking on every last group that uses terrorist tactics, not an excuse to try to recreate an entire region the way we'd like it and certainly not an excuse to chip away at our own Constitutional rights and freedoms.

Maybe it's time we remembered that. Who knows, maybe if we did, it might even have a positive effect on fuel prices. It's hard to sort out, but it's important to try, because thinking is the only way to solve problems instead of making them worse.