Resolve to not make any resolutions

I don't know if I'll ever be well enough write a weekly column anymore, but I can't lie, I really do miss it. I'm still in recovery. Pundit's Anonymous has been helping, but it's still just "one day at a time."

What do Americans do when they miss something? Bring it back in "re-runs."

So, in the event that there are actually two or three of you out there who read this blog or who used to read my column and would like to have something to put you in the New Year's
Click here: http://tedscolumn.blogspot.com/search/label/New%20Year to read my New Year's resolutions from 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2007!

Break your New Year's resolutions already? Make a new list and start over

I’m a big one on lists. I’ll have a list of things I need to get done during the course of the week and then another list for things to do that particular day. Sometimes I’ll have one list for work and another for home.

There’s a list that most of us never learn that has helped millions of people recover who suffer from a debilitating disease that not only destroys their own lives, but sometimes irrevocably damages the quality of lives of the people around them.

The list is the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and the disease is addiction, whether to alcohol, drugs, or even things like gambling, pornography, shopping and over-eating.

I was blown away once at a Bible study by a man who revealed that he felt more spiritually connected to and more able to be open and honest with his AA brothers than with anyone at our church, even in small group Bible studies, men’s prayer breakfasts or Promise Keepers.

That got me thinking, so I researched the steps. While AA members identities are protected, I don’t believe that the 12 steps are any mystic secret like some kind of Masonic rite. What I do believe is no matter what your faith these steps could help us all.

I don’t care who you are, we all do and say things that hurt people. We all have things that damage our relationships with others and prevent us from having a healthier relationship with God. And, we all make choices that are against our own best interests out of fear, greed, or impatience.

Consider these steps and I think you’ll agree, our churches and civic organizations would be drastically different places- intimate communities; if they taught and encouraged their members to all follow these steps. Family members may be more genuine with each other, partners would allow themselves to be more vulnerable with each other. Businesses and governments would be more ethical and transparent if their members practiced these steps.

1. Admit we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable. Usually we’re all too proud to admit that we aren’t totally in control.

2. Come to believe that only a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. C.S. Lewis believed that we’re all born with a “God-shaped hole” that only He can fill. Someone else once said, “if God is your co-pilot, you’re in the wrong seat.”

4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Don’t you wish that some of those corporate CEOs at the oil companies and sub-prime mortgage lenders would do this? How about our politicians?

5. Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Be ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Ask Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Make a list of all the people we’ve hurt and be willing to make amends to them.

9. Make direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admit it. It’s not a one time deal, it’s a continual, life-long process. “One day at a time” as people in recovery say. Martin Luther thought that people had to “die to sin,” and ask God to renew them every day.

11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out. Now me, I’d rather pray only for my own comfort, or maybe to win the lottery without buying a ticket- but as I understand His will for us, it’s more about looking out for others than myself.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to share the message with others and practice these principles in all our affairs. Amen. How about we ALL try this, rather than just leaving it to the addicts?

Ted Mallory lives in Charter Oak and teaches at Boyer Valley Schools in Dunlap. 'Ted's Column' has appeared weekly in the Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper since 2002. You can see all of Ted's cartoons, some even in color at http://tedstoons.blogspot.com

Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions

Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper — Schleswig Leader, Thursday, December 28, 2006 – Page 3

This year I resolved not to make any resolutions. Instead, I decided that I should share my perfect, inerrant correctness with some of the many people in this world who are not as right as they could be.

Here are some of the resolutions that other people need to make:
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez resolves to not be such a nut. And to not call other world leaders “Satan” while speaking at the U.N.

Former U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. resolves not to not bully subordinates anymore and not to serve at institutions which he doesn’t believe should exist in the first place anymore.
Retiring U.N. General Secretary Kofi Anin resolved to not try to solve other people’s problems anymore. From now on, he’s just going to let people have to slug it out.

Vice President Dick Cheney resolves not to shoot anyone in the face anymore, at least not while drinking beer or hunting quail.

John McCain resolves to go back to being his own man and a real, traditional conservative, instead of always kissing up to the Neocons in the Bush White House and/or the radically ultra-conservative religious-right of the so called Republican “base.”
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il resolves not to test any more nuclear weapons, and to stop going to Don King’s hair stylist.

Pope Benedict resolved not to call any more irrational, violent, Muslim Fundamentalist “irrational, violent, or fundamentalist.”

Muqtada al-Sadr really needs to resolve to work for the stability and security of Iraq, instead of just perpetuating chaos, anarchy and anti-American terrorism.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad should resolve to stop denying the holocaust, grant his own people the freedom of speech he demands for anti-Semitic nuts like himself and KKK Grand Wizard David Duke.

Russian President Vladmir Putin resolves not to poison anymore people who suspect him of trying to re-establish a Stalinist regime in the former Soviet Union.

Former Vice President Al Gore is already doing good on his resolution to give up political office and pursue a life as a Hollywood star and environmental crusader.

Katie Couric resolves to be less sweet and perky now that she’s taken over the CBS Evening News.

Ex-President George H. W. Bush (Sr.) resolves not to try to push off anymore of his numb skulled sons on us for President anymore.

Nebraska businessman Pete Ricketts resolves not to spend more than a million dollars on negative campaigning against Democrats who may as well be Republicans again.

Ben Nelson and Joe Lieberman resolve to caucus with the Democratic Party, even though they’re both basically moderate Republicans.

Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley resolves not to try having cyber-sex with teenage boys anymore, at least not while serving as chairman of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children’s Caucus.

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert resolves to pay more attention.

Rev. Ted Haggard resolves not to by meth from gay prostitutes anymore.

Mel Gibson and Michael Richards (Sienfeld’s “Kramer”) resolve to attend cultural sensitivity and anger management workshops.

Virginia Senator George Allen resolves not to call people “Muccaca” (slang for “little monkey”) and just be racist in private and not on camera in front of hundreds of potential voters.
Angelina Jolie and Madonna resolve not to buy anymore children at bazaars while on vacation overseas.

Dallas Cowboy Terrell Owens resolves to stop being such a massive egotistical idiot and just play football.

Bill Callahan resolves to listen to his inner-Tom Osborne and try using a ground game a little more often so the Huskers can actually win, instead of depending so much on his little “West Coast-Offense.”

President George W. needs to resolve to listen to people like Jim Baker and Lee Hamilton as opposed to being so stubborn and unable to admit when he’s really screwed up.

Pluto resolves to try harder, work out more and try to bulk up a little so that it can be considered a real planet again someday.

The Truth Revealed!

The best film makers know how to use music at just the right times. There are two songs in Frank Capra’s masterpiece “It’s a Wonderful Life” that have me so conditioned like one of Pavlov’s dogs, that as soon as I hear them, my throat swells and my eyes get puffy. One is the traditional carol, “Hark the Herald Angels Sing.” The other is a little ditty that you can expect to hear a lot this weekend. It was made famous by a guy named Lombardo and his Royal Canadians, but it was first written by a Scottish poet named Robert Burns (1759-1796). He wrote it way back in 1788.

I think that no other song can take you back and make you reflect on your past year or fill your heart with memories and make you miss your long lost friends.

Unfortunately, no one really understands this song. It could be that Burns had been drinking too much when he wrote it, or that Guy & his Canadians had been hitting the Canadian Club a little too hard whenever they played it, or that most people have had plenty of champagne when they hear it on New Year’s Eve.

Just like the much maligned “Louie Louie” by the Kingsmen, Auld Lang Syne has been the subject of suspicion and conspiracies, even investigation by the FBI and the NSA. Now, for the first time, thanks to the Freedom of Information act and an online English-Gaelic dictionary, the secrets of this holiday favorite are revealed:

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

“Auld,” is easy enough to figure out, it’s Gaelic (the old Scotch & Irish home language) for “old.” And lang syne is “long-gone.” So obviously He’s saying sarcastically, “should we forget our long lost friends?”

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

“Let’s have a drink to old friends.” Of course, some of the friends who are most long-gone are the friends I used to drink with and I really don’t drink much anymore. But I wonder if what ol’ Burnzie meant was that his old friends had drank so much that they were “pretty far gone.”

And surely ye'll be your pint stowp!
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

“You have to pay for your pint of ale yourself, but I’ll still drink with you.” Basically, “let’s go Dutch.” I know, this verse is kind of a disappointment, isn’t it? I thought it would be much more sweet and sentimental. Oh well, no one ever accused us Scotts of being generous to a fault.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou'd the gowans fine;
But we've wander'd mony a weary fit
Sin' auld lang syne.

“We two have run about the hills, and pulled the pretty daisies, but we’ve also wandered many a weary step once or twice- since long ago.” Um… I guess he’s just saying we’ve had our ups and downs.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us briad hae roar'd
Sin' auld lang syne.

“Once or twice have paddled in the stream from … till dinner… but now, there are oceans between us…” (that roar?) Sorry, the online dictionary had no translation for “briad hae roar'd.” Does anybody know wha the heck a “briad” is?

And there's a hand, my trusty fere!
And gie's a hand o' thine!
And we'll tak' a right gude-willie waught,
For auld lang syne.

“Take my hand, friend, and give me yours, and we’ll take a chug-a-lug to good will, for old time’s sake.” So you can see why, even though it was written back in 1788, it really is a lot like a fraternity drinking song like “Louie Louie.”

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

Make sure you designate a driver this New Year’s Eve. If you know you should celebrate for old time’s sake with something other than alcohol, please find some “friends of Bill W.” and get the support you need. If you wake up New Year’s morning and feel like you can’t wake up, try a shot of Tabasco in your coffee and some scrambled eggs, then go back to bed.

God bless your 2006.

A new way of looking at New Year’s resolutions

According to www.mygoals.com, who call themselves the “premiere website for setting and reaching personal and professional goals,” these are the top New Year’s resolutions for 2005.

1) Lose weight and get in shape Made by 26% of people who make New Year’s resolutions.

2) Get a better job 13%

3) Be more organized, use time more efficiently 13%

4) Spend time for personal growth/self improvement 12%

5) Get out of debt and/or save more money 12%

6) Improve relationships with family 8%

7) Go back to school 8%

8) Fix up the house 4%

9) Spend more time having fun 3%

So how many of these are resolutions you’re planning on making? How many are resolutions you made last year? How’d ya do at keeping them? Yeah, me too. Let’s see…

1) I wish-I’ve tried that one too many years and keep failing

2) need to get a second job, not necessarily a better one- how about just winning the lottery without playing?

3) For an adult with A.D.D. I’m coping pretty well- although my wife may not think so

4) I’ve read “7 Habits” and “Power of Positive Thinking,” how much more can I improve, I mean really, ain’t I pretty damn near perfect already?

5) need to get a second job, not necessarily a better one- how about just winning the lottery without playing?- or did I say that already?

6) how much more can I improve, I mean really, ain’t I pretty damn near perfect already? - or did I say THAT already?

7) I’d love to get a Master’s someday, but I even if I ever could make up my mind as to what I want to get it in, numbers 3, 5, and 6 all get in the way, don’t they?

8) Okay, you can all stop laughing now, especially my father-in-law, uncle-in-law, brother-in-law, and wife.

9) See, that’s where I’m good- because my idea of fun is different than most people. Maybe I’m boring by most people’s standards. Most people would love to bar-hopping or dancing or hang gliding or gambling or extreme water sports-ing or something. But I enjoy teaching and coaching (most of the time) and this-writing- is fun for me.

This year is going to be different. Here are my resolutions for this year:

1) Quit smoking

2) Quit drinking more than a couple beers a week

3) No more sushi

4) Quit picking fights with thick-necked guys named “Gunter”

5) Quit chewing tobacco

6) Quit betting on NFL, NBA, NASCAR, horses, etc.

7) Cancel my subscriptions to Hustler, Penthouse, Playboy etc.

8) No more unilateral pre-emptive invasions of third world countries or violations of the Geneva Conventions through torture and abuse

9) Lose weight and get in shape

10) Write shorter columns

Not bad, eh? See I figure you have to set your goals in such a way that you insure at least a modicum of success. If I choose resolutions that I’m ALREADY keeping, than when 2006 comes around, I’ll be at least an 80% success and only a 20 % failure. That way, I build up my self-esteem and maybe then I’ll have enough confidence to take on those last two in 2007. Never put off today what you can put off tomorrow, I always say.

Top 10 Resolutions; Or ‘Blame it on Baghdad’

Did you know that New Years was created by the Babylonians over four thousand years ago? So if you hate making New Year’s resolutions, it’s just one more thing to blame on Baghdad.

I was curious what the most popular New Year’s resolutions in America were. So I ran a Google search on the internet. You’d think that the Gallup Poll people might have a list, wouldn’t you? Nope. USA Today? No. CNN? Time? Well, they had a Year in Photos, but nothing about resolutions. Finally “About.com” had something, but it was from their “Guide to Philadelphia” section, so it’s really not a necessarily representative of all of us.

By the way, you have to be really careful when you make a Google search. I tried typing in “Year-in-review,” whoa Nelly, you would not believe the websites Google turned up when I accidentally typed “Rear-in-review.”

Be that as it may, her is my brief commentary on About.com’s top 10 New Year’s Resolutions

1) Spend More Time with Family & Friends
According to About.com, General Nutrition Centers took a poll that says that 59% of Americans promise to spend more time with family and friends this year. Are most of GNC’s customers spending too much time at work? Or at the Gym maybe? I’d like to spend more time with my family and friends, but for some reason all the High School Athletic Directors and Basketball coaches think that kids have to play two or three games a week December through March. I don’t know why that is. Schools only play one football game a week all fall. Don’t get me wrong, Sports are good for kids, teach life lessons, build character, etc.

2) Fit in Fitness
Everybody knows that exercise is associated with all kinds of health benefits. “Reduces the risk of cancer… increases longevity, helps achieve & maintain weight loss, enhances mood, lowers blood pressure, and even improves arthritis etc. etc. blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.” Okay, About.com didn’t use all the “blahs” and “yaddas.” I know all this stuff. We all know all this stuff, but that doesn’t make me like it, or get me out of bed at 4:30 in the morning to do it. Especially when I don’t get home till 11:30 after the basketball game. And it’s going to be 18˚ and icy or muddy at 4:30 between now and June.


3) Tame the Bulge
About.com says that ”Fifty-five percent of adults in America are overweight” Yea!!! That means that 55% of Americans don’t look down their noses at me for being such a fat slob! By the way, have you noticed a trend here? Is it About.com, or GNC? No, I think it’s pretty natural. In fact, I think this is #1 on most of our lists of resolutions. It has been on mine for say the last 25 years of so. I was doing pretty good from June to September, but I pretty much fell off the wagon in October.

4) Quit Smoking
They say this one takes at least two years to achieve. Supposedly, cigarettes are even more addictive than heroine. I smoked a few cigars back in college. I fancied my self a connoisseur. As if a 19 year old can be a connoisseur. Anyway, being a tobacco-snob is like being an imported-beer-snob, it’s too expensive to become too habit forming. The real thing that helped me quit was Bethany. She was my fiancé at the time. She offered to buy me a “Goya de Nicuragua” (my favorite stogie), but she told me that there was no way she’d be kissin’ me for several days. For the rest of you, I’d like to recommend http://www.quitnet.com.


5) Enjoy Life More
Forced to spend more time with your family, having to eat less, get up early to exercise, and no more cigars? What kind of a life does About.com want me to lead? Next they’ll be telling me I can’t drink anymore either.
Seriously though, getting more sleep, being healthier and more fit, losing weight, spending more time with my family and maybe some St. John’s Wort will help.


6) Quit Drinking
Remember, I’ve got that Imported-Beer-Snob thing going. I like Miller Lite and I’ll tolerate Bud Light, but my alcohol is pretty few and far between. Although, my friends on the Atkin’s diet tell me that it’s a carbohydrate/weight loss issue too. That’s an idea that has merit.


7) Get Out of Debt
OW, ow, ow. This might take more than a year. It also might require that I start buying lottery tickets, unfortunately I can’t afford the dollar a week, even with all the money I save on cigarettes and beer. Plus there’s all that St. John’s Wort I’m buying, and the membership at the gym.

8) Learn Something New
Last year I planned on learning how to play the guitar. I even ran out and bought “Guitar for Dummies.” This year I plan on watching the Discovery Channel a lot, that way I can learn useful stuff like how to make a Chevy Suburban into a mobile Las Vegas wedding chapel.

9) Help Others
Was it Ben Franklin who said “God helps those who help themselves?” I don’t know. It may be selfish, but it’s hard to take care # 9 when you can’t even help yourself enough to take care of # 1 through 8.

10) Get Organized
Yeah right. I started reading this book on Adult Attention Deficit Disorder once, but I just didn’t have the patience to finish it.
The only real resolution I made this year was to write shorter columns, but it looks like I’ll have to try again next year.

Brave New World

Happy New Year, welcome to the future. No, you’re awake, you’re not dreaming and you’re not hung over from your New Year’s Eve celebrating. You’re really here, in the twenty-first century. Worst of all, there’s no going back in time. Like Buck Rogers, you’re stuck in the future, you have been for a couple years now.

No, no flying cars yet, maybe your kids are talking to their friends on their Visa-Phone though. They call it a “web-cam,” the technology hasn’t quite caught up to what we used to see on the Jetson’s or Star Trek, but it’s getting there. Hungry? Throw some pre-prepared, vitamin-fortified, chemically-preserved breakfast into your microwave; what would’ve taken your Grandma all morning can be done in two minutes.

I just checked the news on my personal home computing station. The 24 hour world news services are reporting that Bishop Boisselier of the Raelian church held a press conference to report that they have successfully cloned the first human. They call her “Eve.” I don’t know if that’s just ironic, in homage, or straight-out blasphemous.

Many was the time when I was bad when y folks would tell me, “you’re gonna have children some day, and I hope they behave just like you!” God help Clone-Eve’s Mommy, she really WILL be EXACTLY like her. Who knows, maybe when she gets older she’ll run off and join a cult that believes that all life on Earth was started by the bio-engineering of Extra-Terrestrials and get pregnant with their experiment too.

I guess the ultimate goal of the Raelians is to live forever. They want to continue their experiments till they can clone a fully matured adult body and transfer their brains from their old, worn out human body, into their new and improved clone body. But anyone who’s ever used a Xerox machine knows that a copy of a copy is never as crisp as the original.

Ethicists, philosophers, theologians, and Star Wars & Star Trek aficionados have all been wresting with this one for a while. Do clones have souls? Are clones monsters? Are they entitled to equal protection under the law? Fifty years from now, will a Senate Majority leader have to step down for having supported clone segregation? Does Roe v. Wade mean it’s legal to abort clones? Would that be a sin, though?

What if a clone’s parents get divorced, who gets custody? Is your clone your child or your twin? If your clone starts dating your spouse behind your back, will it get you on the Jerry Springer Show? If you disown your clone, does that mean you hate yourself? How many clones will end up in therapy? Who can they blame for their problems? Not their mother- their cell-donor?

When Clone-Eve is in High School, will she object if her literature teacher requires her to read ‘The Boys From Brazil?’ Can clones believe in God? If a clone wins the Powerball lottery, does she have to share it with herself- I mean , her donor.

Will Diane Sawyer and ABC News have a holiday follow-up show about Clone-Eve’s life every year like they do on the Dilly Sextuplets? Will Formula and Diaper companies donate a year’s supply of baby care needs for Eve and her donor?

It’s too much to ponder. Let’s think about the future instead. What will 2003 hold in store? I have some predictions!

I predict that we’ll go to war in Iraq by February. Gas prices will soar, but just like Osama Bin Ladden, I predict that Saddam Hussein will get away and be a bur in our saddle for years to come.

I predict that the North Koreans will try to get our goat, but that it will blow over. Best case scenario- their people get sick of staring and Korea reunites like Germany did. Worst case scenario- thirty more years of unresolved tension.

I predict that poor Powerball winner Andrew Jackson “Jack” Whittaker will have to deal with a helluva lotta phoe calls from friends he never knew he had.

I predict that racism and civil rights will become a serious issue again. We may even end up with as tense a time as in the 1960’s. Homelessness, joblessness and economic stratification may be serious problems too. Other problems to watch for will be internet porn and addictive video games, not to mention internet gambling.

I predict that the bugs are only going to be worse next summer if we don’t get some serious winter soon.

I predict that there will be tremendous partisan bickering in Des Moines over another budget crisis.

I resolve not to worry about any of it. In fact, one of my New Year’s resolutions was not to pay attention to media pundits like know-it-all columnists who try to predict things. I suggest you make that resolution too.

The Raelians are probably just trying to get attention. If and when someone clones a human, it probably won’t live long or well. I mean, what have you hear about that sheep “Dolly” lately? What was the line from the Godzilla movie theme song? “Nature has proved again and again the folly of men.”

Besides, here we are in the twenty-first century already, we haven’t been to Mars, we haven’t cured the common cold, we haven’t been back to the moon for thirty years, and where’s the flying cars? I KNEW back when I was watching the Jetson’s that by the time I grew up, I’d get to drive a flying car. Where’s MY flying car? Have you got yours?

Happy New Year, welcome to the future.