First PRESS run

Well, they finally went and did it. They combined the Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper and the Schleswig LEADER into their flagship, Mapleton PRESS. I threw this scan up here in case web readers don't know or believe that I'm actually published in a real newspaper.
I hope/think that readers will like the new paper. I like that it's a hefty 14 pages as opposed to 4 or 6. Except that we didn't have color, I think it stacks up pretty good next to about any other weekly or biweekly I've seen.

I have to admit, however, that it's kind of intimidating. For one thing, I went from two newspapers with around 500 subscribers each to one that (before the merger, already) had a circulation of about 2,535 with an estimated readership of around 5,070. I realize that the Denison papers are over 7,000 and the Des Moines Register is in the neighborhood of 302,896, which pales by comparison to papers in Chicago, L.A., D.C., and New York, but it's still intimidating to me.

I'm also intimidated because Mapleton is where my wife works. Now, not only can she be embarrassed by me in front of her relatives and neighbors, but her colleagues, administrators, students and their parents may occasionally say something to her about her obnoxious, over opinionated husband.

I guess this all hit me when I got my copy and opened it up to page 6. Everything was so huge! For years I felt bad because my cartoons were squeezed into a 3.792 inch space atop of a two-column wide column. So now, a full 5.750 inches seems ENORMOUS. And, in what Garrison Keillor would tell us is typical Midwestern/Lutheran fashion- I feel like I don't deserve it. It's so conspicuous that I feel a little guilty. It LOOKS just like a major metro daily. Yikes.

Well, guess like the Country band 'Big and Rich' like to sing, I'm livin' in the big time. Well, okay, so it's still not the big show, this is still the Farm Leagues, but it is probably like going from the B-Leagues to "AA." I sure hope I'm up to this. Hope I can fill the space and prove myself worthy. I just wish I wasn't feeling so scared about just continuing to do what I love doing. Let's face it, it may be a dream to make it big, but basically it's just a hobby.

Shop Talk; Changes at the papers

At the time that I write this, I've been back working at the papers for a whole three days. It certainly is a little different than it's been, but I still really enjoying it. I thought I'd use this week's column to give you a bit of a backstage peek, so to speak.

First of all, to our Charter Oak- Ute readers, if you missed this page last week, we're sorry about that. It ran in the Schleswig LEADER, but we seemed to have gotten our wires a little crossed and sent in two page threes.

No skin off my nose. Nothing terribly funny or vitally important, I thought it was kind of sweet though. If you REALLY missed it, you can visit "http://tedscolumn.blogspot.com/2006/05/thanks-i-needed-that.html"

By now a few of you have met a few of the new people here at the newspapers. Publishers Mark Rhodes and Brad Swensen and I attended a Community Club meeting in Ute a couple of weeks ago. Last week the publishers were at the ribbon cutting for the new bank building in Charter Oak. They took with them Julie Hamann, the new reporter at the Mapleton office and Kathy Boehm, the new advertising representative.

Just yesterday (Wednesday June 7) there was a coffee at the Beef and Brew in Mapleton for community members to get to meet the PRESS staff.

I can tell you that Karen Soukup will once again be covering news in the Charter Oak and Ute areas and Elaine Teut is still our woman in Schleswig, even though that office is now closed.

All kinds of people have been asking me if I'm "still working at the newspapers" and "What do they have you doing there?"

Well, yes I am, but all kinds of things, I guess- are the best answers I can offer for those questions. This week I'm mostly doing what's called "pagination," that means I'm putting together the pages on a computer. That would make me a graphic designer. You'll notice that they're still running ads for a graphic designer. That would be because I'll go back to teaching in the Fall.

More and more of the layout is being done on computer. I'm sure that the hope is to do it all this way eventually.

For the sake of the operations here, I hope they find a full time graphic designer as well as people who can take over permanently for Karen and Elaine. Be that as it may, I'd give my left hand to get Mark and Brad to promise to hire me back each and every summer from now on. That's because for some of us "Newsies," the ink just gets in our blood.

My first impressions of the new folks are all good. As far as I can tell they are each consummate professionals.

Mark Rhoads is a fifth generation newsman. He values small-town publications and promoting local communities like no one else.

I haven't seen many people work as hard as Brad Swenson. Yet he has a way of putting everyone around him at ease and he's quick with laugh and grin.

Kathy Boehm strikes me as being very outgoing and highly motivated.

I can't believe the good fortune of the PRESS, LEADER, and NEWSpaper to have found someone like Julie Hamann. She told me that she'd worked for years for the Sioux City Journal before getting married. Her husband farms between Danubury and Anthon. She's even working toward a Master's in Journalism from the University of Nebraska, Lincoln. How much more qualified can you get than that?

Even with the most competent staff in the world, no community newspaper can do it's job without a community. I make this plea a lot, and here it is again- we need your participation. Some weeks there's not enough content to fill even just four pages. Please send us your news tips. In fact, you can send us your own stories and digital photos directly.

If you ever take pictures with a digital camera or know someone who did, go ahead and E-mail them to us. If you haven't got internet access at home, nag a friend who does, or see if there's a library or business that will let you borrow theirs for a few minutes. If you still can't get online, come see us in Mapleton, we can probably find a way to get your picture off your camera.

Other weeks there may be more than enough news and pictures to fill six or eight pages, but barely enough ads to pay for even four. We need your support, whether that's purchasing an ad, renewing a subscription, or giving someone else a gift subscription.

E-mail me your story ideas at "ted.mallory@gmail.com"

E-mail Ann Collins, the Office Manager in Mapleton at "mpress@longlines.com"

If you ever want to send us something the old fashioned way, on paper, there are drop-off boxes in the Hoffman Agency offices in both Schleswig and Charter Oak. There's also a drop-box on the side of the NEWSpaper office in Ute. Send an actual print of a photograph and make sure you tell us who it's from and if you want it back and we can scan it into the computer and return it to you.

Want to talk to us directly? Make a local call from your home town and it will automatically be forwarded to the PRESS office in Mapleton.

In Charter Oak, you can call 678-3571.

In Ute, call 885-2247

In Schleswig, call 676-3414

Or you can always call straight to Mapleton at 881-1101. And when you need to fax us something, the number is 881-1330.

A quick review

I understand that this column is now being seen in the Schleswig Leader. Actually, I think it’s been running there for several weeks now. In the event that this has been at all confusing or even just a novelty- I’d like to clear up any misunderstandings this has led to and answer any possible questions that it might have raised.

First of all, I’m not Mike. I assume that you in Schleswig would know that but at least once a reader of the Charter Oak-Ute NEWspaper mistakenly thought that I was the editor. Definitely not. As Schleswigites know, the Lyon family started ‘the Leader’ then expansions and purchases led them to Mapleton and ‘the PRESS.’ Mike Lyon is the publisher.

Mike & Barb Lyon are good people. They’ve always been very kind and generous with me. Back in the summer of 2002 I managed to talk them in to hiring me for the summer and at the end I submitted an essay called “What I did on my summer vacation,” as perhaps the first installment of a weekly column for the Charter Oak & Ute paper.

The closest thing I think Mike has to an Editor, besides himself would have to be Bonnie Schroeder. When I submitted my first column, she said “We should have been doing this all summer.” She’s always been sweet to me too.

I thought for a long time about what to name this feature. I wanted to call it “Sex, Politics and Religion,” because wanted to be able to write about the things that we often avoid talking about. My hope was that I’d make readers think and get people talking about something other than just the weather.
But I was afraid that such a maverick title would scare readers off, so I just went with “Ted’s Column.” Generic, but safe. I figured it would also give me the freedom to not have to take myself too seriously all the time. Part of me hoped to become the small town Iowa version of Dave Berry.

So who the heck am I and how do I get off writing a weekly column in (now) two small town newspapers if I’m not Mike or Bonnie?

I’m Ted. I live in Charter Oak. I teach Art, Newspaper, Yearbook, computer Graphics, and coach Cheerleading down in Dunlap at Boyer Valley. Yeah, I’m a straight, married, middle-aged guy who coaches cheerleading- but that’s a whole ‘nother column.

I’m originally from the red, red state of Arizona. I was the Editor of my high school newspaper and dreamt of being either a syndicated columnist or an editorial cartoonist. I got my BSEd from Concordia University in Seward, Nebraska. I majored in History and in Art. Seward is where I fell in love with the Midwest and with my wife Bethany, a Neddermeyer from Charter Oak, who’s now a guidance counselor at Maple Valley in Mapleton.

So that’s who I am, but where am I coming from?

Sex: That’s not something I think we should talk about in polite company.
Politics: I always thought of my self as a moderate, pro-worker, pro-farming, lower-middle class traditional kind of guy, but dang, our country has really swung about as far to the right as it can lately, hasn’t it? Some people accuse me of leaning to the left, that may be so, but it’s only because I feel like the boat is a bout to capsize and I need a sense of balance, not because I want to shake the boat for shaking sake. I apologize in advance if I ever set you off, I’m a firm believer in agreeing to disagree but continuing to talk to each other. But like I said, my hope is to make you think and get you talking- better yet, write a letter to the Editor (Mike or Bonnie, not me).

Religion: By definition, this is what is the most important thing in anyone’s life, so it’s pretty difficult for me to not write about it. But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot. (Jeremiah 20:9).

I went to Concordia because it’s a Christian college. I wrestled with whether or not to become a pastor and Beth and I taught for 7 years at a Christian school in Los Angeles. I’ve been the Youth Counselor at St. John in Charter Oak since we moved back. So, you can expect some faith issues in this column from time to time.
I’m sure that it drives some people batty that anyone can be a Missouri Synod Lutheran and a registered Democrat at the same time. I figure, Jesus was a radical, barefoot, long haired, unemployed, homeless guy who bucked the establishment and loved, accepted, spent time with, forgave, and was even willing to die for everyone and anyone no matter who they were. I’m pretty tame by comparison.

Somehow the good Lord and Mike saw fit to hire me again this summer, so who knows, even though Schleswig is really Bonnie’s beat, maybe I’ll get to meet some of you and try to sell you an ad. Even if I don’t I hope that you’ll keep reading and I hope you enjoy what you read most of the time.

The rest of the time, I hope you’ll send your letters to Bonnie so we can publish them, after all this is YOUR newspaper. The best way to keep it that way is to participate in it by contributing. Have a great summer.

Not too much to write about

“I like how you handled the thing between the girls,” Bethany commented to me about my column as we were driving home in the van last week after dropping Ellen off at her grandparent’s house to spend the night. We would have to get up before five the next morning in order to get her older sister, Grace to the hospital by six to get her tonsils and adenoids out at eight.

“Thanks,” I responded. She chuckled. Was it that cute a column or was it funny that I’d thank her for the encouragement. Or was it just funny that I tried to logic-and-reason/lecture/explain two preschoolers out of an argument caused by the older one not understanding that the younger one was just copying her every syllable?

“Heh,” she half laughed and half sighed, “It’s just that Gracie’s life is out there for the world to see, played out in the newspaper,” she contemplated. (or something to that effect, I may not be quoting her verbatim here…I suppose that’s why so many writers turn to fiction- because our memories aren’t good enough to maintain journalistic integrity so we make up what we didn’t remember accurately. That’s probably also why many humorists avoid writing about family- you know, that whole “never mix business with pleasure” thing or something like that. Who wants to offend your own family by writing about them? Am I right?).

“What ‘bout my life?” Gracie wondered as she leaned toward the front from her favorite spot in the middle of the very back seat.

“Doh,” I winced like Homer Simpson getting caught doing something dumb, “duh, well, uh…” I stammered. I figured it was safe to write about people who can’t read about themselves yet.

“Oh,” Beth jumped in to save me, “We were just talking about something you’re Daddy wrote about you and your sister in the NEWSpaper.” Okay, so she didn’t pronounce it so that ‘NEWS’ is in all capitals like it is on the nameplate- I just can’t get over typing it that way, I feel more official doing it that way.

“My sistah? In da Nooowspapah?” Grace asked.

“Yes, I just said something about how cute you were, you know, in that newspaper I write for?” I assured her. See? I CAN write the word “newspaper,” without writing “NEWS” in all caps. (Shouldn’t that be “ALL CAPS?”)
Apparently that satisfied her, that or the fact that she could see town coming into view.

“Chawter Ohwk! Our town, I seeee it, we home!” she announced.

“Great,” I thought. The gig id up. I’d better find someone else to write about from now on. Ellie had better start being a lot more funny, but what happens when she figures it out? We can’t afford to just keep having kids. It’s not like I’m Dave Barry or something, this column is just a hobby. Teachers don’t get paid enough to procreate just for the sake of writing material. Besides, thats like having kids just to harvest their organs or something, it’s sick. I’d just have to find some other muse.

Other peoples kids? Nah, nobody likes someone who makes fun of other people’s kids, that’s like being a bully or something. Bethany wouldn’t go for that Elementary Guidance Counselors hate bullies. They also hate hate, okay, they ABHOR bullies. She was an English major, maybe she’ll like a word like “abhor.” Oh great, now her approval is so important to me that I’m using really esoteric words just to impress her.

Now I’ve done it, I actually used an obscure word like “esoteric” to describe words that are too hard to understand. DOH!- who uses words like “obscure,” that’s so oblique! DOH!

Oh great, now her approval is so important to me that I’m using really fancy words just to impress her. Now I don’t explain that all three of those words basically mean that most people don’t use any of those three words, some people will be frustrated. Of course if I do explain that all three words pretty much mean the same thing, which is “hard to understand,” some people will be frustrated like I’m talking down to them, some will think I’m trying to sound smart, and some will think I ruined a punny line by analyzing it to death.

Too late. Using such arcane and cryptic language is really just a roundabout way of playing with words to take up time and space on the page. That last sentence was completely useless. When you were a kid and the teacher assigned you an essay that had to me so many words long, did you use too many redundant adverbs and adjectives to make it really, really long or very, very, super boring? I used run-on sentences. Or fragments. Drove ‘em nuts!
“Drove ‘em nuts!?” Can’t you just see a wagon full of pecans behind a tractor? Or maybe a bus load of mental patients? Ah, I crack myself up.

What were we talking about?
Oh yeah, so I don’t fell like I can write about the funny things my daughter says anymore, because basically, I’m afraid that someday I’ll embarrass her…Nah, what are the chances of THAT ever happening. ME embarrass HER? Ha!

It’s too bad too. Just before we left their house, my farmer-in-law Allan said “I suppose we’re going to read about this new adventure- getting her tonsils and adenoids out in that column of yours next week!?” (or something along those lines, I don’t write down everything everybody says to me word-for-word right when they say it. I hope he doesn’t get mad if I just misquoted him. Of course, my eighth grade English Teacher, Mr. Harman would say, “People don’t get ‘mad,’ DOGS GO ‘mad,’ PEOPLE GET angry.” Of course, he also told us that “Ain’t ain’t a word,” but by the time I got out of high school it had been added to the dictionary.)
Dang, I really haven’t written about anything this week have I?
Just then his wife stepped into the room.

“I thought you were going to bed?” she inquired incredulously, as if he were just wasting time on some frivolous hobby.

“I’m almost done,” actually I didn’t say that, I don’t exactly remember what I said.

“However long it is, cut it in half,” she advised, and left the room to go to bed.

Hmmf. I guess I’m lucky she’s not my editor.

So, the moral of the story is, never publish anything that you write about family.

Actually, tonsil and adenoid surgery isn’t all that funny anyway, especially not for the victim- eh, patient. But in case you wondered, Grace was a real trooper, but thank God for Tylenol. Maybe I’ll tell you about some of it next week. Thanks for reading.
The End. 1,132 words, not including these ones. The End, again.
If she could read this, I’m sure Grace would say, “Da-a-ad, Yoouw SILLY!” 1,152- if I counted right.