Annual Christmas Exclusive

Mapleton readers may not have been aware that since this column has appeared in the now absorbed Schleswig and Charter Oak-Ute papers I have been privileged to be able to obtain an exclusive annual interview with a seasonal celebrity. This year I received a phone call from the North Pole during my free period at school the last week in November. Here now is a transcript of that conversation:

TM: Feliz Navidad, Kris

SC: Mele Kalikimaka, Ted

TM: Kris, I’m excited about this year’s interview because it will be published on your birthday, December 6!

SC: Ho Ho, well, I’ll be busy leaving little presents in children's shoes as "Sinterklaas" in Belgium and the Netherlands on that day. But I will have visited Charter Oak a couple of days before that.

TM: Yes, and I’d like to take the opportunity to thank all of the businesses and volunteers who make that night possible. I know my kids always love it. Our two year old has been telling me for weeks that she’s not afraid of you anymore, but I guess we’ll see that night if she musters the courage to actually sit on your lap.

SC: Bells will be ringin', children singin' All will be merry and bright!

TM: Let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we? You’re a resident, is it true that global warming is melting the polar ice cap?

SC: We’re certainly doing out part as far as Claus Conglomerated goes. We’ve switched over almost entirely to solar and wind energy instead of wood burning, but I’ve got to tell you, many of the elves do miss the ambiance, but they’ll get over it. I never have been one to ever use fossil fuels, frankly. We are currently looking into some polar bear relocation programs, but we’ve always been about gift distribution, not animal rehabilitation. However, it’s principally a matter of logistics, and after all, we already take care of herds of reindeer, so it isn’t too much of a stretch.

TM: What about all that coal?

SC: First of all, I’ve never burned it, I only put it in “naughty” stockings, and candidly, I’ve been pretty lenient the last couple of decades on that score. Be that as it may, some of the elves have been working on alternatives, including rocks, spit-wads, and of course marshmallow “snowman poop,” ho ho!

TM: What’s the best way to make sure you stay off the naughty list?

SC: Ho Ho, just hang your stockings and say your prayers! Then, when you hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle, Oh what a beautiful sight- just jump in bed and cover your head, ‘cause that means I’m on my way that night!

TM: How do you feel about all the talk about a “war on Christmas?”

SC: Look, who’s kidding who, and who’s declaring war on whom? Christmas is a phenomenon that is too huge to be damaged somehow by political or cultural tensions. Christmas transcends contention. Personally, I suspect that anyone who thinks there’s a war on Christmas is just trying to get attention for themselves by stirring up anxiety.

TM: What about those who say that it should be reserved as a sacred, religious observance?

SC: Listen, people were celebrating the solstice and plenty of pagan pageantry long before Jesus’ birthday, and Hanukkah took place almost 200 years before that Silent Night too. So what if you have people wanting to add Kwanza or Ramadan too? I know Jesus, and I know that He certainly doesn’t need anyone to defend Him or fight for him. First of all, He’s got that omnipotent thing going for him, secondly, He’s very humble. He always puts others before Himself. The reason He deserves all the glory is that He’s not a glory-hound. Read Philippians chapter 2 if you don’t believe me.

TM: What do you say to people who think that you seem to compete with the Christ child? Even eclipse Him?

SC: Hey, I’m so devout; I even fasted twice a week when I was a nursing baby! I’ve never asked anyone to worship me and I’m not even looking for veneration for myself. I was a young priest during the persecution of Christians under the Roman Emperors Diocletian and Maximian. As Bishop, oversaw the demolition of several pagan temples including the temple of Artemis. Her birthday was supposed to be on December 6, that’s why they made that day a Christian feast day in my honor. I was at the Council of Nicaea. Maybe you’ve heard of the Nicene Creed? I lived four years outside of Bethlehem on a pilgrimage. Somebody think I’m not religious enough? Bring it on.

If people want to get in a huff about Christmas not being about Jesus’ birth anymore, they need to take a look at their MasterCard and Visa bills. Don’t blame me. I’m about interceding on behalf of children, sailors, and the wrongly accused- not crass consumerism.

No, I never died for anybody’s sins, but I spent my whole life and most of the afterlife working for the one who did. So quit trying to use me as some kind of “wedge issue.”

TM: There you have it folks, he doesn't care if you're rich or poor he loves you just the same. Santa Claus knows we're all God’s children and that makes everything right.

SC: Ho Ho, So fill your hearts with Christmas cheer. Peace on earth will come to all if we just follow the light so lets give thanks to the Lord above, and I’ll see you on Christmas night!


Many of Santa's quotes are from Gene Autry, Oakley Haldeman's 1947 song,"Here comes Santa Claus."
'Ted's Column' has appeared weekly in the Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper since 2002. You can see all of Ted's cartoons at http://tmal.multiply.com

Missouri wit and a side of cigar

Missouri wit and a side of cigar
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper — Schleswig Leader, Thursday, January 18, 2007 – Page 3

Correction: In my January 4 column, I stated that Former President Gerald Ford had served as “Minority Whip.” This was incorrect. Ford was the “Minority Leader” in the House of Representatives. The “Whip” is a position in the Senate.

Last week among all the buzz about the new Congress, the President’s new direction for Iraq, and all the new presidential candidates, I was feeling overwhelmed as a pundit, so I called up one of the pioneers in the field, hoping to glean some words of wisdom. What follows is my interview with the one and only Mark Twain.

TM: So Mark, how do YOU feel about our little war in Iraq?

MT: “A wanton waste of projectiles.”

TM: So, you think we should just bring our troops home and let the Shias and Sunnis sort it out for themselves?

MT: “An inglorious peace is better than a dishonorable war”

TM: But what about those people who say that not supporting the President is “unpatriotic?”

MT: “A patriot is the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.”

TM: But he IS the President, after all-

MT: “History has tried hard to teach us that we can’t have good government under politicians. Now, to go and stick one at the very head of the government couldn’t be wise.”

TM: There are those people who continue to support him because they think he’s a good man. “Born-again” and on the God’s side when it comes to moral issues and all that.

MT: “No matter how healthy a man’s morals may be when he enters the White House, he comes out again with a pock-marked soul.

In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth less than a penny.

I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”

TM: Yikes! So, you’re not convinced that God is on the side of one political party or another?

MT: “A man can be a Christian or a patriot, but he can’t legally be a Christian and a patriot--except in the usual way: one of the two with the mouth, the other with the heart. The spirit of Christianity proclaims the brotherhood of the race and the meaning of that strong word has not been left to guesswork, but made tremendously definite- the Christian must forgive his brother man all crimes he can imagine and commit, and all insults he can conceive and utter- forgive these injuries how many times?--seventy times seven--another way of saying there shall be no limit to this forgiveness. That is the spirit and the law of Christianity.
There has been only ONE Christian. They caught Him and crucified him--early.”

TM: Let’s switch gears for a minute. I won’t ask you if you’re a Republican or a Democrat, but do you think it was healthy that with Republicans in the White house and on the Court, Congress recently went to the Democrats?

MT: “To lodge all power in one party and keep it there is to insure bad government and the sure and gradual deterioration of the public morals.”

TM: Are we in for a fall? Are we headed the way of ancient Rome?

MT: “Every civilization carries the seeds of its own destruction, and the same cycle shows in them all. The Republic is born, flourishes, decays into plutocracy, and is captured by the shoemaker whom the mercenaries and millionaires make into a king. The people invent their oppressors, and the oppressors serve the function for which they are invented.”

TM: How would you go about finally bringing peace?

MT: “This problem of universal peace used to be one of the uppermost things in my mind. I used to study over it. No, I will not say that I really studied; I thought about it--how to get universal peace. It bothered me, but I kept growing nearer and nearer to a solution, and at last I came to it.

But the very day I thought I had solved it I was summoned to the presence of an emperor. The first thing he asked me was what I was doing nowadays. I told him I had been working out a problem--the problem of universal peace--and that I had solved it, that I had found the only way--there was no other.

Then he wanted to know how I was going to bring it about, and I told him: ‘I am going to get a chemist--a real genius--and get him to extract all the oxygen out of the atmosphere for eight minutes. Then we will have universal peace, and it will be permanent.’”

---

‘Ted’s Column’ has appeared weekly in the Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper since 2002. Ted doesn’t really speak to dead people, but all of Mark Twain’s responses are his actual quotes- just not about current issues. Visit http://www.twainquotes.com, if you don't believe me. If you’d like to see any of Ted’s editorial cartoons bigger and brighter, you can visit http://tmal.multiply.com/photos/album/2

Annual Exclusive

Annual Exclusive
Thursday, December 14, 2006- Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper & Schleswig LEADER

8:30 or so last Thursday night I sat down in a booth in the bar in Charter Oak to visit with a very old friend.

“Merry Christmas Ted.”

“Merry Christmas Chris. You know, even though we’ve been doing this for a few years now, I still can’t get over the fact that you can spare the time to grant a virtual amateur like me an interview like this.”

“Ho, ho,” he chuckled, “Well, not to discourage or disparage you at all, but I’ll admit that the biggest reason I do is so that I can thank all the good folks in the commercial clubs and community clubs of the towns that these newspapers serve for all the hard work and resources that they commit when they invite me to visit the kids in their towns.”

“Well, thank you for coming to town,” I told him, “My own girls certainly had a ball. They loved taking their picture with you, the devoured the treats in the goodie bags and they were thrilled with the door prizes they won. I know I appreciate the turkey my wife won!”

“Ho, ho, well, you know it takes a lot of volunteers and businesses to make those Santa Nights happen. I don’t mean to play favorites, but I think they’re far better than just coming to see one of my stand-ins at some big mall in a major suburb.”

“I’ll say, not just the meal and all the friends and neighbors but you get to take your own picture or pay just a buck for Polaroid as opposed to dropping fifteen or twenty bucks into a photo package.”

“Think globally, shop locally!”

“You know, you must really love kids and you sure have to have tough knees. Something I’ve always wondered, did you ever have kids of your own? And if you do, do you ever bring them along on your long trip?”

“Ho, ho, no, no… you’re forgetting, I’m a man of the cloth, married to the Lord and the work He gives me. Sure, I love kids, but could you imagine taking them along on a 24 hour road trip? How many bathroom breaks? How many times would I have to listen to ‘are we there yet?’ No thanks. One of the perks of my job is that I get to drop in, spread some joy and then the kids go home with their parents while I get to go home, put my feet up and enjoy the peace and quiet. I’m sort of like a grandparent that way.”

“All the movies and TV specials show you with a Mrs. Claus,” I protested.
“Myth is more powerful than truth. People believe what they want to and America especially has gone out of its way to reinvent me into a Grandfatherly role. People in this day and age aren’t comfortable with a bachelor cavorting with children, understandably so, I suppose.”

“But don’t you ever wish you’d met that right woman?”

“Too busy for too many years.”

“So you don’t even date?”

“I still keep busy, besides, when you’re over 1,500 years old you don’t worry about your libido very much.”

“How do you do it? To what do you ascribe your incredible longevity?”

“I guess the Lord’s not done with me yet. There’s still plenty to do.”

“Wow… say, people are going to want to know, how exactly can you make your trip all in one night anyway? What is the magic?”

“Just that, no big secret, just Christmas magic. Of course, not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone who does still believes in me, and not everybody celebrates Christmas on December 25. I’m Greek Orthodox, you remember, then there is plenty of folks who celebrate St. Nicolas day separate from Christmas… and of course it’s not as if I do it all at the stroke of midnight- there are time zones, you know. Midnight here is only ten o’clock on the West coast.”

“Don’t you have trouble with governments for violating restricted air space?”

“My cruising speed is about Mach 3, even the U.S. and Russian Air Forces have a hard time even spotting me on their most advanced radar. Besides, I have a long standing relationship with the boys at N.O.R.A.D.”

“Still, hat if some hostile nation tried firing a SCUD missile at you or something?”

“Fruit Cake.”

"I beg your pardon?"

“You’ve heard of potato guns? My sleigh is equipped with R.P.F.C.- Rocket Propelled Fruit Cakes.”

“You have GOT to be kidding me!”

“Hey, listen, your own General Washington once used them when he ran out of cannon balls during the Revolutionary War. What else are you going to use them for? Door stops?”

the 1,200 year old man

I sat in the booth at the truck stop waiting for Nick. We were meeting for my annual exclusive interview. It was not like him to not be punctual, but I had been waiting almost a half an hour past the time we had agreed to meet.

The next think I knew, an ancient looking man approached my table. He couldn’t have been more than five foot tall. He was dressed all in green suede and didn’t speak.
He placed a small envelope on the table in front of me, tipped his hat and left. Inside was a small card on very formal stationary with a web- address on it and a short not that said, “Mr. C sends his regrets, but a member of his team will meet you here.”

It turned out that the address was a private chat-room. I generally avoid chat-rooms, bulletin boards and especially instant-messengers. It’s not so much that I’m afraid of anything like opening my computer to viruses or anything, it’s just that if I wanted to talk to someone in real time, I’d rather be with them face to face, or at least on the phone.

I logged on to the Wild-Wild Web and checked into the chat-room as directed. Almost immediately, I was greeted:

CHB: Thank you for meeting with me.

TM: Hello, to whom am I speaking- or reading, as the case may be.

CHB: My name is ‘Calminaion Heldere Bekendheid,’ I am an elf. Mr. C was detained by an unforeseen engagement. He thought that you might not mind interviewing one of us this year as something different.

TM: Oh, Okay, umm, boy, how do you pronounce a name like that? Do you have any nicknames?

CHB: You can call me Bob.

TM: Uh, how long have you been an elf?

CHB: My whole life. How long have you been a human? What kind of a question is that? I was told that you were an experienced journalist.

TM: Okay, okay, Please forgive me. I wasn’t prepared to interview an elf. Let me try again...um...
Oh, I know, how old are you?

CHB (a.k.a. Bob): Boy, you’re a real soft-touch, aren’t you? Do you start all your interviews so impolitely?

TM: Oh, I’m sorry again. Are elves sensitive about their ages?

CHB: Aren’t you? No matter, I was born in 805 A.D. Don’t you have any more important questions? Say about Christmas, or Santa Claus?

TM: Wow. Uh, where are you from? Originally, I mean- I assume you’re from the North Pole now.

CHB: Never assume anything. That whole North Pole thing is a myth, but then, I suppose that as far as you’re concerned, so am I. You couldn’t find my home town on a map. My kind are from behind the gossamer veil between realms.

TM: Well, Saint Nicholas is originally from Macedonia, what is now Turkey. Is where you’re from going by a different name today?

CHB: I TOLD you, it’s not anywhere you could find on your own.

TM: Are you saying elves are from another planet? Or another dimension?

CHB: I’m no physicist so I really couldn’t explain it to you- it’s more of a metaphysical thing anyway.

TM: Okay... well, uh, just how many of you are there?

CHB: Of me? Why, I should hope there’s only one!

TM: I mean elves? How many elves.

CHB: Well how in the Dickens should I know? Do I look like the census bureau? How many humans are there? 7 billion?

TM: Whoa? Santa has billions of elves?

CHB: Boy you humans are sure arrogant? You think you’re the only intelligent life on the planet!
First of all, he does not “have” any elves as if we’re his property or slaves or chattel. Secondly, there are only twelve of us on the team. I guess there are thirteen, but Peter’s not an elf.

TM: Only twelve? But how can you make all of those toys? How do you handle production? Who manages inventory? Don’t you elves help Santa with logistics as well?

CHB: Oy veigh! Do all of you Americans only see things through a business paradigm? Your’s is not the only Weltanschuang around, you know.

TM: Welshishwhatzit?

CHB: It’s German for ..for... well, there isn’t really an English word for it- paradigm or world-view probably come the closest. My point is that it’s very clever satire to remake Santa into your own image, but the truth is far more mysterious, even mystical. It is MAGIC, after all.

TM: Are you saying that it’s all some New Age, Neo-pagan, Norse mythology? Is there some secret information like in the da Vinci Code?

CHB: Oy veigh again! When you’re talking about Saint Nicholas, one of the signatories of the Nicean Creed! If he’s de-evolved into heresy, it’s your society’s fault, not his.
My point is, He is more a metaphor than a myth, more an analogy than anathema. Why don’t you pick up a copy of C.S. Lewis’ ‘Chronicles of Narnia’ for Christmas?

TM: I’m sorry, maybe we should just give up, I think I’m more confused now that I’ve interviewed you than before we started.

CHB: You find yourself confused a lot, don’t ya kid? Merry Christmas anyway!

A visit with Mark Twain

This was the day in 1910, when people claimed that Mark Twain, author of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn supposedly died. But as you know, reports of his death have been greatly exaggerated. As a matter of fact, I recently ran into him in a cigar shop in the Old Market in Omaha.

Here is a special NEWSpaper exclusive interview with America’s most beloved writer:

TM: Wow, thank you for this opportunity. What should I call you? Mr. Clemens? Mr. Twain?

MT: Since I’m easily four or five times your age, I’d expect you to call me “Sir,” but “Sam” is just fine too. I’ll lay odds that you won’t need to address me by name so formally, but just speak directly to me for the rest of your interview.

TM: Umm, well, let me cut to the chase. How does it feel to be 170 year’s old?

MT: I’m not nearly that old, my birthday’s not till November.

TM: What’s the secret to your longevity?

MT: Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

TM: You mean to say that it doesn’t matter what you eat? What about Trans-Fats, and Carbs?

MT: There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

TM: But isn’t there something that you suggest that people eat or drink, some vitamin or supplement that would help? Surely you don’t get so close to 200 without some kind of exercise regime?

MT: Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

TM: So why haven’t we heard anything about you for 95 years?

MT: A person gets sick of fame, not to mention sick of creditors. And when people assume you’re dead, their expectations of you are greatly lowered.

TM: So you don’t miss the limelight?

MT: It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.

TM: What was the secret to your earlier success?

MT: All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

TM: What’s your advice for young people trying to get ahead today?

MT: Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

TM: I’ve kind of always prided myself in the fact that I’m not afraid to write about sex, politics, and religion in my column. Would you like to take this opportunity to weigh in on any of those topics?

MT: Sane and intelligent human beings are like all other human beings, and carefully and cautiously and diligently conceal their private real opinions from the world and give out fictitious ones in their stead for general consumption.

TM: If you won’t reveal your own opinions, would you at least comment on other points of view that you’ve heard in the media recently?

MT: In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination. It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

TM: Do you think that politics and religion don’t mix, do you think God chooses sides in politics?

MT: In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

TM: But what about National politics?

MT: It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress. Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself…

TM: Do you think that American politics has changed much in the last century?

MT: The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.

TM: What do you think about the Bible?

MT: Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

TM: We’ve covered politics and religion, at 169 years old, how do you feel about women?

MT: I have discovered a great law of human action- namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain.