You know you’re not a kid anymore…

Well, it’s official. I'm old. Last week a student asked me for help filling out a scholarship application. I was happy to oblige, thinking they needed help writing an essay, or maybe just my recommendation. That wasn’t it. They needed more practical help than that. Their entire life, they'd never had to use an electric typewriter!

I have a cousin who once told me that he didn’t take anything I said too seriously because no one in their twenties knows what they’re talking about anyway. Three years ago I passed into my thirties and he may take me more seriously now, but for some reason, I can no longer get anyone under thirty to even listen to me anymore.

It is for this reason, that I am pleased to present you with this week’s column, sort of an homage to Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Know You’re a Red-Neck If…” routine, if you will. It’s dedicated to those of you born after the baby boom, but before Star Wars.

You know you’re not a kid anymore if…

…some kid asks you how to use a typewriter.

…if ANY music that teenagers play is too loud.

…if all the music YOU listened to in school can now only be found on radio stations with names like “Lite, Mix, Star, or Classic.”

…if you listen to more and more Country music and less and less of the music you used to listen to.

…Country music sounds more like the music you USED to listen to than what kids call Rock and Pop these days.

…if two of your favorite Country music songs are "Nineteen something" by Mark Wills or “My next thirty years” by Tim McGraw.

…if more of your hair is in your brush than on your head.

…if more of your hair is on your back than on you head.

…if your what hair you have comes in more than one shad, and you didn’t put anything on it to make it that way.

…you tape Leno, Letterman, or Saturday Night Live because you just can’t stay up that late.

…you really do drink Diet Coke “just for the taste of it.”

…you remember that ad campaign.

…you don’t want to sleep on the floor or the couch because you won’t be able to walk the next day if you do.

…you don’t get excited about buying alcohol, tobacco, or adult materials.

…you don’t bother buying alcohol, tobacco, or adult materials because you can’t afford them.

…instead of fantasizing about the sports cars, clothes and stereo equipment you’d buy if you won the lottery, you fantasize about paying off your debts, getting a mini-van, and doing some repair work on your house.

You know you’re not a kid anymore when…

…the one time you stay up late enough to watch Letterman, you realize that “Ferris Bueller” has more grey hair than you do.

…you accept the fact that you’ll never be as thin as any of the members of the cast of “Friends,” and you’ll also never see as much money in ten years as each of them make per episode.

…and you can live with that.

…you remember when you had to go to an arcade and pay a quarter to play a video game.

…you probably won’t have to worry about being drafted if the Iraq and Korea things turn into WWIII.

…you remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his “two” plastic surgeries.

…you remember the FIRST Space Shuttle launch.

You know you’re not a kid anymore when…

…your class reunions are into double-digits.

…you’ve noticed that the styles of clothing you wore in school are coming back!