A visit with Mark Twain

This was the day in 1910, when people claimed that Mark Twain, author of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn supposedly died. But as you know, reports of his death have been greatly exaggerated. As a matter of fact, I recently ran into him in a cigar shop in the Old Market in Omaha.

Here is a special NEWSpaper exclusive interview with America’s most beloved writer:

TM: Wow, thank you for this opportunity. What should I call you? Mr. Clemens? Mr. Twain?

MT: Since I’m easily four or five times your age, I’d expect you to call me “Sir,” but “Sam” is just fine too. I’ll lay odds that you won’t need to address me by name so formally, but just speak directly to me for the rest of your interview.

TM: Umm, well, let me cut to the chase. How does it feel to be 170 year’s old?

MT: I’m not nearly that old, my birthday’s not till November.

TM: What’s the secret to your longevity?

MT: Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

TM: You mean to say that it doesn’t matter what you eat? What about Trans-Fats, and Carbs?

MT: There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

TM: But isn’t there something that you suggest that people eat or drink, some vitamin or supplement that would help? Surely you don’t get so close to 200 without some kind of exercise regime?

MT: Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

TM: So why haven’t we heard anything about you for 95 years?

MT: A person gets sick of fame, not to mention sick of creditors. And when people assume you’re dead, their expectations of you are greatly lowered.

TM: So you don’t miss the limelight?

MT: It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.

TM: What was the secret to your earlier success?

MT: All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

TM: What’s your advice for young people trying to get ahead today?

MT: Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

TM: I’ve kind of always prided myself in the fact that I’m not afraid to write about sex, politics, and religion in my column. Would you like to take this opportunity to weigh in on any of those topics?

MT: Sane and intelligent human beings are like all other human beings, and carefully and cautiously and diligently conceal their private real opinions from the world and give out fictitious ones in their stead for general consumption.

TM: If you won’t reveal your own opinions, would you at least comment on other points of view that you’ve heard in the media recently?

MT: In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination. It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

TM: Do you think that politics and religion don’t mix, do you think God chooses sides in politics?

MT: In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

TM: But what about National politics?

MT: It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress. Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself…

TM: Do you think that American politics has changed much in the last century?

MT: The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.

TM: What do you think about the Bible?

MT: Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

TM: We’ve covered politics and religion, at 169 years old, how do you feel about women?

MT: I have discovered a great law of human action- namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain.