Things I learned in Professor Jones’ Class

There was a discount movie theater near our house growing up and one summer, Raiders of the Lost Ark was playing there. My brother and I went to see it at the midnight movies every night in a row for two weeks. By the second week we were driving people crazy, sitting in the front row, reciting lines before the actors would.

So last week when I was back in Arizona form my niece’s baptism, I was pumped when my five year old nephew invited me to see the latest Indy movie with them.

Five year old boys have an uncanny ability to recite lines, describe plots, and especially to emulate sound effects from action movies. Daniel has worn out two of the three videotapes he has of the earlier movies, so it was like old times for me and his dad.

People who dissect the Star Wars movies looking for literary merit have credited George Lucas with crafting a new mythology. What he does with the Indiana Jones movies is to capitalize on preexisting myths by repackaging them with a big dose of good old American pop-culture. He and his partners cooked up another serving of cultural iconography like no one else can. Lucas, Spielberg, composer John Williams and Harrison Ford all make gold of any project they touch, but in combination- they have mythological powers.

So what if Doctor Henry Jones Jr. is just a fictional character on the movie screen, he still has impacted at least two generations of Americans with the lessons only he could teach- and not just in archeology, ancient art and antiquities.

For instance, from Raider’s we learn:

• Always wear a jacket, even if it’s a hundred degrees and humid as a Yucatan rain forest.
• Don’t be afraid of spiders.
  
• Try to replace whatever you take with something about the same size.
  
• When a problem gets too big, you must whip it.
  
• Always bring a gun to a knife fight.
  
• Pay attention in Sunday School.
  
• Be careful meddling with powers you don’t understand.
  
• Always read both sides of everything.
  
• Don’t eat dates if you notice there’s a dead monkey around.
  
• Never trust NAZIs and be wary of Frenchmen.
  
• Snakes can be dangerous.
  
• There’s always a way out of anything, even if you have to make it up as you go.
  
• When someone thinks they’re about to unleash the power of God, close your eyes and keep them closed.
  
• And, the government maybe keeping a lot of secrets, but they don’t know what most of them are.

From the Temple of Doom:

• Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device.
  
• You can travel from China to India very quickly, but you may not enjoy the ride.
  
• Monkey brains should be served cold.
  
• Never eat anything that looks back at you.
  
• If someone tells you to eat your heart out, don’t let their hand get anywhere near your chest.
  
• Potato shaped rocks may look worthless, but they may be important to someone.
  
• Children are treasure.
  
• When working in mines, make sure your mine cart has good brakes.
  
• Before you go cutting ties, grab something to hold on to.

From Last Crusade:

• Don’t be selfish, some things belong in a museum.
• The Boy Scouts can teach you a lot, especially how to be prepared.
  
• If you have to get chased by bad guys on a train in the desert southwest, make sure it’s not a circus train.
  
• Listen to your father.
  
• When it comes to treacherous NAZI spies, beautiful Austrian women are as dangerous as ugly German men.
  
• Likewise, you can’t always trust American business men.
  
• Penitence is important.
  
• Let your footsteps be guided by God’s word.
  
• Don’t be afraid to take a leap of faith.
  
• Jesus isn’t into flashy jewel-encrusted gold chalices, like any carpenter, His cup is just a simple clay pot.
  
• A good relationship with your Dad is worth more than youth or power.

And from Crystal Skull:

• Always carry a compass.
  
• Greedy friends will turn on you.
  
• If you need to survive an imminent nuclear blast, hide inside a lead-lined refrigerator.
  
• No matter how much you do for your country, people will still question your patriotism.
  
• A real friend is someone who will sacrifice a job for you.
  
• Never bring a knife to a gunfight.
  
• If you want to be an archaeologist, you’re going to have to get out of the library.
  
• Finish school.
  
• Relationships are more important than careers.
  
• It’s important to always return things that don’t belong to you.
  
• The greatest treasure is knowledge.
  
• Don’t mess with ants.
  
• And too much of human existence is lost in waiting, but it’s never too late to start again.

And above all, the right hat can make a man a legend.