Yes Virginia

I don’t know why kids like these "Instant Messenger" things on the computer so well. Student’s tell me how they talk with their friends at all hours of the night on their instant messenger. If their folks have a separate phone line for the internet, girls can talk about a boy with their friends on the computer while talking to the actual boy on the phone.

I never have liked the Instant Messengers. Whenever I’m on the computer, I’m trying to get something done, to have people keep popping on trying to talk to me ends up just being an interruption. But I have to tell you, I had the most interesting conversation online the other day and I thought I might share it with you, gentle readers.

BigRedGuy:: Hey Ted, how R U? Feel like a chat?

coachmallory:: Who is this?

BigRedGuy:: My screen name ought to give it away.

coachmallory:: Frank Solich?

BigRedGuy:: No ho ho ho, if I were him I wouldn’t want to talk to a member of the press. Try again, I’ll give you a clue- I know when you’ve been sleeping…I know if you’ve been bad or good.

coachmallory:: Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge?

BigRedGuy:: Ho ho, no, but I’m almost as busy.

coachmallory:: Santa? Wow, why would you take time out of your busiest time of year to instant message me?

BigRedGuy:: Well, Ted, I just wanted to thank all the business people of Charter Oak for all the work they went through to make my visit there such a success for the children in your community. Since you have a weekly column in the NEWSpaper, I thought you were a natural resource for me to tap.

coachmallory:: Happy to help, Santa. It certainly was a blast. I know my little girls loved it. They got to see you and received a bag full of goodies, watched cartoons, munched on cookies, won prizes and played with all their friends from all over the area.

BigRedGuy:: Well, Charter Oak has had a long tradition of bringing me to see the kids.

coachmallory:: Oh I know! My wife Bethany was telling me about how when she was little, you gave them all a bag of peanuts and popcorn, then they’d all sit down to watch 8mm movies on a screen in the corner of the Community Building.

BigRedGuy:: And inevitably some naughty little boy would start throwing peanuts or popcorn at the screen or at one of his little friends and bedlam would soon ensue, Ho Ho!

coachmallory:: Well I bet there were quite a few boys in town who’d get coal in their stockings because of that, huh?

BigRedGuy:: Well, now you know Ted, I don’t think of myself as the purveyor of justice that a lot of people seem to think I am. The rain falls on both the just and the unjust, you know.

coachmallory:: So, you just bring presents to children, no coal?

BigRedGuy:: That’s right. I represent generosity, not vengeance, that belongs to the Lord you know, Ho Ho. And even He prefers mercy to sacrifice, you know. Besides, there are too many children who won’t have much of a Christmas at all, let alone a merry one. I don’t think they should be denied just for throwing a little popcorn.

coachmallory:: But what about that legendary list?

BigRedGuy:: Let me tell you something, my list is a lot longer than that 12,000 page Iraqi weapons of mass destruction dossier. I’ve gotten rid of most of the paperwork though, nowadayz it’s all digital. All I have to carry around is my personal electronic organizer. It’s really more of a shopping list than a naughty/nice thing- you have to be REALLY bad to get on the naughty side. I’ll let you in on a secret though, there’s not enough coal in West Virginia for Saddam and Osama’s stockings.