Happy New Year, welcome to the future. No, you’re awake, you’re not dreaming and you’re not hung over from your New Year’s Eve celebrating. You’re really here, in the twenty-first century. Worst of all, there’s no going back in time. Like Buck Rogers, you’re stuck in the future, you have been for a couple years now.
No, no flying cars yet, maybe your kids are talking to their friends on their Visa-Phone though. They call it a “web-cam,” the technology hasn’t quite caught up to what we used to see on the Jetson’s or Star Trek, but it’s getting there. Hungry? Throw some pre-prepared, vitamin-fortified, chemically-preserved breakfast into your microwave; what would’ve taken your Grandma all morning can be done in two minutes.
I just checked the news on my personal home computing station. The 24 hour world news services are reporting that Bishop Boisselier of the Raelian church held a press conference to report that they have successfully cloned the first human. They call her “Eve.” I don’t know if that’s just ironic, in homage, or straight-out blasphemous.
Many was the time when I was bad when y folks would tell me, “you’re gonna have children some day, and I hope they behave just like you!” God help Clone-Eve’s Mommy, she really WILL be EXACTLY like her. Who knows, maybe when she gets older she’ll run off and join a cult that believes that all life on Earth was started by the bio-engineering of Extra-Terrestrials and get pregnant with their experiment too.
I guess the ultimate goal of the Raelians is to live forever. They want to continue their experiments till they can clone a fully matured adult body and transfer their brains from their old, worn out human body, into their new and improved clone body. But anyone who’s ever used a Xerox machine knows that a copy of a copy is never as crisp as the original.
Ethicists, philosophers, theologians, and Star Wars & Star Trek aficionados have all been wresting with this one for a while. Do clones have souls? Are clones monsters? Are they entitled to equal protection under the law? Fifty years from now, will a Senate Majority leader have to step down for having supported clone segregation? Does Roe v. Wade mean it’s legal to abort clones? Would that be a sin, though?
What if a clone’s parents get divorced, who gets custody? Is your clone your child or your twin? If your clone starts dating your spouse behind your back, will it get you on the Jerry Springer Show? If you disown your clone, does that mean you hate yourself? How many clones will end up in therapy? Who can they blame for their problems? Not their mother- their cell-donor?
When Clone-Eve is in High School, will she object if her literature teacher requires her to read ‘The Boys From Brazil?’ Can clones believe in God? If a clone wins the Powerball lottery, does she have to share it with herself- I mean , her donor.
Will Diane Sawyer and ABC News have a holiday follow-up show about Clone-Eve’s life every year like they do on the Dilly Sextuplets? Will Formula and Diaper companies donate a year’s supply of baby care needs for Eve and her donor?
It’s too much to ponder. Let’s think about the future instead. What will 2003 hold in store? I have some predictions!
I predict that we’ll go to war in Iraq by February. Gas prices will soar, but just like Osama Bin Ladden, I predict that Saddam Hussein will get away and be a bur in our saddle for years to come.
I predict that the North Koreans will try to get our goat, but that it will blow over. Best case scenario- their people get sick of staring and Korea reunites like Germany did. Worst case scenario- thirty more years of unresolved tension.
I predict that poor Powerball winner Andrew Jackson “Jack” Whittaker will have to deal with a helluva lotta phoe calls from friends he never knew he had.
I predict that racism and civil rights will become a serious issue again. We may even end up with as tense a time as in the 1960’s. Homelessness, joblessness and economic stratification may be serious problems too. Other problems to watch for will be internet porn and addictive video games, not to mention internet gambling.
I predict that the bugs are only going to be worse next summer if we don’t get some serious winter soon.
I predict that there will be tremendous partisan bickering in Des Moines over another budget crisis.
I resolve not to worry about any of it. In fact, one of my New Year’s resolutions was not to pay attention to media pundits like know-it-all columnists who try to predict things. I suggest you make that resolution too.
The Raelians are probably just trying to get attention. If and when someone clones a human, it probably won’t live long or well. I mean, what have you hear about that sheep “Dolly” lately? What was the line from the Godzilla movie theme song? “Nature has proved again and again the folly of men.”
Besides, here we are in the twenty-first century already, we haven’t been to Mars, we haven’t cured the common cold, we haven’t been back to the moon for thirty years, and where’s the flying cars? I KNEW back when I was watching the Jetson’s that by the time I grew up, I’d get to drive a flying car. Where’s MY flying car? Have you got yours?
Happy New Year, welcome to the future.
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