The Catsup Conspiracy

In Washington, at the September 11th Commission hearings they’re talking about establishing yet another layer of bureaucracy. They want to make sure that the various agencies with access to information about terrorism speak to each other. You’d think that the DEA, ATF, FBI and various branches of Military Intelligence would already report to the Central Intelligence Agency- thus the useful adjective “Central,” as in “it should all come through one central office.”

Post 9-11, you’d think that they’d all report to the department of Homeland Security. Really, since the National Security Council operates out of the White House basement, shouldn’t they all report there?

But no, in their infinite wisdom, Washington wonks want to set up another agency which all other agency will report to. I’m all for all of these agencies sharing what they know about terrorism with each other, but I’m beginning to lose faith in government bureaucracy.

Don’t get me wrong, in my view, we are all our government, and it is a practical tool, not some great evil to be eliminated like some way-right wingers seem to think (the militia men back in the woods of Idaho.) but just because I lean toward FDR, rather than Ronald Reagan, doesn’t mean I don’t get fed up too. Democracy is a human institution and forgive me for not being as much of a die hard optimist as Reagan was, but my Lutheran upbringing tells me that human nature is selfish and short sighted to say the least.

It is because of our sinful human nature that the cost of liberty is eternal vigilance. We must not only be vigil against terrorists, but against pork barrel special interest as well. But I’m not here to rant about Haliburton’s profiteering, or gross abuses of Pentagon contracts. You’d think as a Democrat, I’d call an end to pharmaceutical advertising on television and in magazines because that little bit of deregulation has resulted in skyrocketing health care and insurance costs. No, I’m ticked off at… well to be honest I’m not sure who to be ticked off at. It’s either the FDA or the President’s Physical Fitness Challenge people whoever they are.

Here’s why I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to diet anymore…

French fries are officially considered vegetables. Did you hear this? What’s more, FROZEN French fries are as of a week ago, officially recognized by the U.S. government as FRESH vegetables. What the heck?!

It’s amazing that such a decision was made, first of all “French” fries are unpatriotic because France opposed a pre-emptive war in Iraq. What’s more, French fries definitely off the Atkins diet. They’re practically 100% carbs.

This Atkins thing is out of control. I won’t be surprised if the FDA doesn’t change the nutrition pyramid by removing the entire breads, pastas, and cereals tier. Doctor Atkins will no doubt be awarded a medal of freedom posthumously or named honorary surgeon general.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for weight loss- God knows I’ve tried. I’m all for French fries too, maybe that’s why I’m so worked up about this- you can’t be pro-weight loss and pro-French fries, it just doesn’t work- even on Atkins, and that’s pretty much the fat, lazy, self-indulgent, man’s diet (excuse me, lifestyle change.) Believe me, I’m a fat, lazy, self-indulgent guy, this is one reason I’m not keen on Atkins, it would deny me my French fries.

I’ve thought about Slim-Fast, talk about not working with the whole self-indulgent thing. My biggest problem is that whole liquid diet scare back in the 1970’s where people died of kidney failure. Slim-fast is definitely not a BALANCED diet, nor a balanced lifestyle.

I’ve thought about pills like Metabalife or Cortislim, but there was that whole scare in the 90’s with the aphedra thing where people were dying of heart failure. If I wanted to pop pills I’d just go all the way and start taking “speed” or some other form of meth or amphedamines like Rush Limbaugh- mind you, it worked for him, he lost a ton of weight, but I’d end up dead or in jail, not back on the air and in the President and House Speaker’s offices like Rush.

I’ve tried the low fat diet, where you don’t buy anything with more than 9 grams of fat on the ingredients, but you know what, that just let me be overindulgent with the pasta. Years ago I tried a sort of precursor to Atkins called Sugar Busters- it worked great, must have lost 25 pounds or more. Basically you didn’t buy anything if sugar or high fructose corn syrup was in the first four ingredients. Of course I was exercising every day too. There was a pool at our condominium complex.

It wasn’t easy, this was before every beer maker, grocery store and fast food restaurant was bending over backwards to cater to low carb dieters. Even in Southern California it was difficult. A small chain of grease spots called “Fat Burger” had best French fries. Mmmmm. Fortunately, we lived around the corner from a health food store. I really began to enjoy tofu and salmon.

I’ve seen lots of people have phenomenal weight loss with Atkins, anywhere from 10 to 120 pounds. But lets face it, the proof of the pudding is under the crust (mmmm, pudding). My point is that it hasn’t been on the seen to see the long term effects. Can people ever gradually go from hard core carbophobics back to balance without gaining all their weight back? Will it clog up the arteries and cause heart damage and high cholesterol?

The only real way to lose weight is to eat less and to exercise more. The only way to keep the weight off is to KEEP eating less than everybody else and exercising more than you would if you didn’t deliberately discipline yourself to do so- for the rest of your life. These are all things that I hate to admit, but I have a real aversion too.

But here’s where I get both the Republicans and the Democrats mad. It’s all part of some elaborate plot for the “powers-that-be” to control the world and keep us all preoccupied with our waist lines so we won’t notice what they’re trying to do. Follow the connections…

Reagan has Catsup declared a vegetable back in the 1980’s. His successor’s son, Bush Jr. declares French fries and frozen French fries vegetables, then he’s replaced by Kerry- who was in the same fraternity at Yale with Bush Jr. Kerry’s wife, HAPPENS to be heiress to the Heintz Catsup dynasty. All just a coincidence? I don’t THINK so!!!