According to www.mygoals.com, who call themselves the “premiere website for setting and reaching personal and professional goals,” these are the top New Year’s resolutions for 2005.
1) Lose weight and get in shape Made by 26% of people who make New Year’s resolutions.
2) Get a better job 13%
3) Be more organized, use time more efficiently 13%
4) Spend time for personal growth/self improvement 12%
5) Get out of debt and/or save more money 12%
6) Improve relationships with family 8%
7) Go back to school 8%
8) Fix up the house 4%
9) Spend more time having fun 3%
So how many of these are resolutions you’re planning on making? How many are resolutions you made last year? How’d ya do at keeping them? Yeah, me too. Let’s see…
1) I wish-I’ve tried that one too many years and keep failing
2) need to get a second job, not necessarily a better one- how about just winning the lottery without playing?
3) For an adult with A.D.D. I’m coping pretty well- although my wife may not think so
4) I’ve read “7 Habits” and “Power of Positive Thinking,” how much more can I improve, I mean really, ain’t I pretty damn near perfect already?
5) need to get a second job, not necessarily a better one- how about just winning the lottery without playing?- or did I say that already?
6) how much more can I improve, I mean really, ain’t I pretty damn near perfect already? - or did I say THAT already?
7) I’d love to get a Master’s someday, but I even if I ever could make up my mind as to what I want to get it in, numbers 3, 5, and 6 all get in the way, don’t they?
8) Okay, you can all stop laughing now, especially my father-in-law, uncle-in-law, brother-in-law, and wife.
9) See, that’s where I’m good- because my idea of fun is different than most people. Maybe I’m boring by most people’s standards. Most people would love to bar-hopping or dancing or hang gliding or gambling or extreme water sports-ing or something. But I enjoy teaching and coaching (most of the time) and this-writing- is fun for me.
This year is going to be different. Here are my resolutions for this year:
1) Quit smoking
2) Quit drinking more than a couple beers a week
3) No more sushi
4) Quit picking fights with thick-necked guys named “Gunter”
5) Quit chewing tobacco
6) Quit betting on NFL, NBA, NASCAR, horses, etc.
7) Cancel my subscriptions to Hustler, Penthouse, Playboy etc.
8) No more unilateral pre-emptive invasions of third world countries or violations of the Geneva Conventions through torture and abuse
9) Lose weight and get in shape
10) Write shorter columns
Not bad, eh? See I figure you have to set your goals in such a way that you insure at least a modicum of success. If I choose resolutions that I’m ALREADY keeping, than when 2006 comes around, I’ll be at least an 80% success and only a 20 % failure. That way, I build up my self-esteem and maybe then I’ll have enough confidence to take on those last two in 2007. Never put off today what you can put off tomorrow, I always say.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Annual Exclusive Interview
I wouldn’t have recognized him when he came in if he hadn’t been smoking the Meerschaum pipe that he told me he would be. Of course, he likes to travel incognito. I sat down in the booth across from him and took out my reporter’s notebook and pen. He had a Carhart jacket on a if he were just another farmer, and Dickie’s jeans, but wide red suspenders, like you might expect from him, and a buffalo plaid flannel shirt.
He asked me if I’d like a cup of coffee and he flagged down the waitress to order some for me. He welcomed me with a disarming grin as I sat down.
“How are you kiddo?” he asked.
“I’m good , Nick, just getting over my annual cold. How about you? Besides busy, I mean.?”
“Well, I’ll be honest with you, I’ve been better” he sighed.
“I’m so sorry, what’s wrong?” A nervous feeling pulled at my stomach. This was like seeing your father cry for the first time. He isn’t supposed to ever have anything wrong with him.
“It’s nothing, I probably shouldn’t have even mentioned it. Every so many years or so I sort of go through a bit of a funk. Nothing major. My version of Seasonal Affective Disorder, I suppose” he revealed.
“A funk. What kind of funk could you possibly have, I thought that you’re supposed to always be, well, jolly.”
“Well, see that’s part of it. People don’t allow me to be human. I have limitations, I have feelings, I even have off-days. I know I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself. I usually manage to keep my focus on others. That’s something that everyone should do. It’s the surest way to experience joy. I guess I’m having another one of my identity crisis’s.”
“Identity crisis?”
“Well sure. You’d have one too, if you were me. I was a philanthropist, a missionary, a Church leader. There were all kinds of expectations put on me. I always tried to point people to the Lord and to Scripture. The last thing I’d ever want to do is to eclipse my Lord. But when He performs a few miracles through you, people start seeing you as some kind of super hero.”
“Miracles, I knew about leaving gold in the stockings of the poor girls without dowries, but I didn’t know about any miracles, give me an example” I asked.
“Well,” he scratched his head, “A scary thing happened on my way to the Council of Nicea. (as in Nicean Creed) I stopped at an Inn along the way. There was a terrible famine. I was surprised that the innkeeper seemed to have plenty of food. I was appalled to discover that he was butchering children and intended to serve them to his unsuspecting guests. I prayed and God restored and revived three boys that had been packed in a salt barrel. The innkeeper was so shocked by the miracle that he repented and converted to Christianity.”
“Holy guacamole!” I said. “No wonder you became so famous.”
“After my death, my fame continued to spread throughout Europe and Asia.” He continued. “Fame is a cruel mistress. Anyone would have an identity crisis if they had so many people with their own ideas of who they think you are. I was declared the protector of children, virgins, merchants, and sailors and even the patron saint of Russia.”
I piped in- “Arlo Guthrie once pointed out that you wore a red suit, so you must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, so you must be a pacifist. He said “What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
“If you must know, it’s Turkish blend of long leaf tobacco. I certainly don’t condone and even discourage smoking. It’s a filthy habit, but you try quitting a habit you’ve had for more than 1,700 years! And of course I am a pacifist, I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist party- but I told you last year that I don’t want to talk about politics. “
“As I was saying…An interesting thing about part of Russia- Siberian Christians lived in homes under the snow. They had a fire in the center and an opening at the top for the smoke. Essentially, their door was climbing a ladder through that smoke hole. I think that’s where people got the idea that I come down the chimney. They depended on reindeer for food, clothing and transportation. As Russians shared their stories about me with the Scandinavians, the reindeer and the chimney things stuck.”
“Things changed a lot with the Reformation. Some zealots not only wanted to stop celebrating St. Nicholas Day but Christmas too! Martin Luther enjoyed Christmas and saw no harm in using my example and my reputation to teach kids moral values. But it was important to other Protestants to rid Christianity of what they call 'the cult of the saints.' I appreciate that people should pray directly to the Lord, and I agree that even the greatest leaders and martyrs of the Church should be venerated, not worshiped- there’s a difference. But I can’t help feeling that we’ve lost a lot of great stories and teaching tools by wiping away so much history like that. I also wonder if that didn’t just backfire, you know.”
“What do you mean?” I interrupted.
“Well, after that, my image became much more secular, even mingled with all kinds of superstitions and pagan myths. All of a sudden I’m an elf, a pixie, “Father Christmas,” Old Man Winter, or even the gods Oden or Thor!”
“Some cultures tried to make Christ Child, not Nicholas, the gift giver. That never really took off. I understand that there’s that same old debate going on in the U.S. this year. Put the “Christ back in Christmas.” Let me tell you, I know the Lord, He’s a close friend of mine. I don’t think He’s always pleased that we celebrate His birthday by going into debt.”
“One of my nicknames, “Kriss Kringle” is kind of an Americanization of the German “Christ Kindle” which means "Christ Child." Like everything else in America, my image has pretty well been homogenized and pasteurized from everybody else’s ideas. “Santa Claus,” a corruption of the Dutch “Sinterklaas,” a shortened form of “Sint Nikolaas. You see my problem? Sometimes even I don’t know what my real name is!”
“You know what,” I interjected, as if little ‘ol me could help him somehow, “Is there anything I can do? I mean, can I tell my readers to do anything for you? What do YOU want for Christmas this year?”
“You know what, just being able to talk about this and get it all off my chest may be enough. I really don’t want anything for myself. But I’ll tell you what you can do. You can tell your readers that they can go to http://www.booksforsoldiers.com on the internet to find out how they can send books to soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan.”
“They can also buy lots of prepaid phone cards and send them to the injured and recovering service men and women at the V.A. hospital in Washington, that way they can call their families for Christmas. Here’s the address-“
He pulled out an index card with this address:
Medical Family Assistance Center
Walter Reed Medical Center
6900 Georgia Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20307-5001
“A lot of them have lost limbs. They’re not sure who they are anymore either. Are they soldiers? Are they husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, sons and daughters? Helping them get in touch with their folks during the holidays will help them reconnect and remember who they are. That will give lots of people a very Merry Christmas. That, and to keep them and all your service men and women in your prayers.”
I promised him I’d do at least that. But I think my daughters had a good ideas too. Their Great Grandma Laura brought us out a big batch of Christmas cookies and both girls have told me that I have to save some of them for him. So I will.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Rapid Deployment Kits
Rapid Deployment Kits
Here's a great way to show the troops that you support them, and that you're praying for them.
Here's a great way to show the troops that you support them, and that you're praying for them.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Lighten Up, will ya?
There’s a lot of debate lately about “keeping Christ in Christmas.” Some people are dead set against saying “Happy Holidays,” instead of “Merry Christmas,” because they think “Happy Holidays” is too politically correct. The irony is that people started saying “Happy Holidays” in order to avoid offending people, but now, all kinds of people are terribly offended when you do say it.
I loved one Christian editorial writer’s point of view. He actually thought that we SHOULD take Jesus out of Christmas, because Christmas has become a shameless exercise in materialism and commercialism. This writer thought that we should just let it be the shallow, selfish thing-fest that it has become and make Easter more Spiritual, and focus on Jesus’ birth, ministry, passion, and resurrection all in the Spring. His point was that it was sacrilegious how blatantly we exploit Jesus’ birth in December.
That may be a little culturally extreme. I’d rather just wish people a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays interchangeably and not worry about who’s offended or who’s not. Why apologize for a good thing? Just because you don’t believe in a good thing, that doesn’t make it a bad thing.
I’m sure that if you shared any of the following greetings, someone, somewhere would probably be offended; Congratulations on your new baby. Way to go on passing that exam! How d’ya like your new car? I’m so relieved that you’re feeling better.
But in the interest of Holiday understanding, allow me to take you on a quick Christmastime tour:
Hanukkah is the Jewish Festival of lights. "Hanukkah " is Hebrew for "dedication.” The first evening of Hanukkah starts after the sunset of the 24th day of the Hebrew month of Kislev.
Greek invaders wanted to stop Israelis from worshiping the true God, they wanted them to worship their gods instead. A Jewish family, the Maccabees, defeated an overwhelming enemy, and rededicated the Temple.
After the occupiers had been driven from the Temple, the Maccabees took down the pagan statues and restore the Temple. They needed ritually purified olive oil to light a Menorah to rededicate the Temple. However, they found only enough oil for a single day. They decided to use it until they could get new oil purified. Miraculously, the one day’s oil burned for the eight days that it took them to press new oil and ceremonially bless and present it. That’s why Jews light one candle each night of the eight-day festival.
Kwanzaa is a celebration of life, family, and community based on the principles of African culture. Kwanzaa was established in aftermath of the Watts Riots, provoked by cases of police brutality. Kwanzaa was created in 1966 by Dr. Ron Everett, a professor at California State University, Long Beach. Everett wanted to preserve, continually revitalize and promote American culture through African rituals.
Kwanzaa celebrated by some African Americans for a week between December 26 and January 1. It’s not a religious holiday, but a cultural one, based on various elements of “first harvest” celebrations celebrated in Africa. “Kwanza” is Swahili for “first fruits. Each of the days symbolizes one of the Seven Principles: Unity, Self-determination, Collective Work and Responsibility, Cooperative Economics, Purpose, Creativity, and Faith.
Back in my hometown of Phoenix, luminaries mark the route from house to house. Luminaries are small candles sitting in paper sacks filled with sand. In Mexico and parts of the Southwest, “Las Posadas” are nightly processions enacted the nine nights before Christmas. Each night, children dressed as Mary, Joseph, and shepherds knock on neighbors’ doors, singing a ritual song that begs entrance to the posada (inn), only to be turned away. Grown ups dressed as the Devil chase the children with sparklers and roman candles. On Christmas Eve, “El Bueno Noche” (the good night) the family at the last house sing a welcome song, and the whole parade enters for a party with fruit punch, tamales and piñatas.
And of course Clark W. Griswald (Chevy Chase), was the first American to light his house up like an airport runway so that Santa Claus could tell where to bring the presents. And so that the hoards of Vikings could know where the credit card customer lived, so they could bring the devastatingly high interest rates.
But, yes, the most important festival of lights will be the one that sheds light on the true meaning of Christmas. So may I suggest that the family that prays together, stays together. And a “Christian Nation” begins at home. Instead of worrying about how “un-Christian” Christmas seems to be getting, why not make your own Christmas a little more Spiritual and a little less superficial. Why not start reading devotions and praying nightly during the festival of Advent.
Advent means “coming.” It is a season when we prepare for Jesus’ arrival. There are five candles in an advent wreath. 3 purple or blue, and one pink, and one white. Purple symbolizes both His royalty and our repentance.
It is a circle, which has no beginning and no end. Pine is used because it is "evergreen," also representing eternal life. However, the wreath is also foreshadowing of Christ's passion. Pine needles and/or holly leaves represent the crown of thorns and holly berries and/or poinsettia flowers represent the blood He shed on the cross.
The first violet candle is the “Prophets candle” and symbolizes the hope that Old Testament Jews had that a Messiah would one day come.
The second violet candle is the “Bethlehem” candle and represents the peace that the new God/Man savior would bring, ending the long spiritual rift between God and mankind.
The pink candle is the “Angels’” candle (or in some traditions, the “Mary” candle) it symbolizes the joy of Heaven that a Savior was finally to be born.
The last violet candle is the “Shepherds’” candle and represents the love or adoration of those ready to accept the gift of the Christ child.
The large white candle in the center, often lit on Christmas or Christmas Eve is the “Christ Candle” and represents Jesus as the “Light of the world,” or the Epiphany, God on Earth.
Click here if you're interested in a few Advent Devotions posted on another one of my websites.
I hope this column was enlightening. Merry Christmas.
I loved one Christian editorial writer’s point of view. He actually thought that we SHOULD take Jesus out of Christmas, because Christmas has become a shameless exercise in materialism and commercialism. This writer thought that we should just let it be the shallow, selfish thing-fest that it has become and make Easter more Spiritual, and focus on Jesus’ birth, ministry, passion, and resurrection all in the Spring. His point was that it was sacrilegious how blatantly we exploit Jesus’ birth in December.
That may be a little culturally extreme. I’d rather just wish people a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays interchangeably and not worry about who’s offended or who’s not. Why apologize for a good thing? Just because you don’t believe in a good thing, that doesn’t make it a bad thing.
I’m sure that if you shared any of the following greetings, someone, somewhere would probably be offended; Congratulations on your new baby. Way to go on passing that exam! How d’ya like your new car? I’m so relieved that you’re feeling better.
But in the interest of Holiday understanding, allow me to take you on a quick Christmastime tour:
Hanukkah is the Jewish Festival of lights. "Hanukkah " is Hebrew for "dedication.” The first evening of Hanukkah starts after the sunset of the 24th day of the Hebrew month of Kislev.
Greek invaders wanted to stop Israelis from worshiping the true God, they wanted them to worship their gods instead. A Jewish family, the Maccabees, defeated an overwhelming enemy, and rededicated the Temple.
After the occupiers had been driven from the Temple, the Maccabees took down the pagan statues and restore the Temple. They needed ritually purified olive oil to light a Menorah to rededicate the Temple. However, they found only enough oil for a single day. They decided to use it until they could get new oil purified. Miraculously, the one day’s oil burned for the eight days that it took them to press new oil and ceremonially bless and present it. That’s why Jews light one candle each night of the eight-day festival.
Kwanzaa is a celebration of life, family, and community based on the principles of African culture. Kwanzaa was established in aftermath of the Watts Riots, provoked by cases of police brutality. Kwanzaa was created in 1966 by Dr. Ron Everett, a professor at California State University, Long Beach. Everett wanted to preserve, continually revitalize and promote American culture through African rituals.
Kwanzaa celebrated by some African Americans for a week between December 26 and January 1. It’s not a religious holiday, but a cultural one, based on various elements of “first harvest” celebrations celebrated in Africa. “Kwanza” is Swahili for “first fruits. Each of the days symbolizes one of the Seven Principles: Unity, Self-determination, Collective Work and Responsibility, Cooperative Economics, Purpose, Creativity, and Faith.
Back in my hometown of Phoenix, luminaries mark the route from house to house. Luminaries are small candles sitting in paper sacks filled with sand. In Mexico and parts of the Southwest, “Las Posadas” are nightly processions enacted the nine nights before Christmas. Each night, children dressed as Mary, Joseph, and shepherds knock on neighbors’ doors, singing a ritual song that begs entrance to the posada (inn), only to be turned away. Grown ups dressed as the Devil chase the children with sparklers and roman candles. On Christmas Eve, “El Bueno Noche” (the good night) the family at the last house sing a welcome song, and the whole parade enters for a party with fruit punch, tamales and piñatas.
And of course Clark W. Griswald (Chevy Chase), was the first American to light his house up like an airport runway so that Santa Claus could tell where to bring the presents. And so that the hoards of Vikings could know where the credit card customer lived, so they could bring the devastatingly high interest rates.
But, yes, the most important festival of lights will be the one that sheds light on the true meaning of Christmas. So may I suggest that the family that prays together, stays together. And a “Christian Nation” begins at home. Instead of worrying about how “un-Christian” Christmas seems to be getting, why not make your own Christmas a little more Spiritual and a little less superficial. Why not start reading devotions and praying nightly during the festival of Advent.
Advent means “coming.” It is a season when we prepare for Jesus’ arrival. There are five candles in an advent wreath. 3 purple or blue, and one pink, and one white. Purple symbolizes both His royalty and our repentance.
It is a circle, which has no beginning and no end. Pine is used because it is "evergreen," also representing eternal life. However, the wreath is also foreshadowing of Christ's passion. Pine needles and/or holly leaves represent the crown of thorns and holly berries and/or poinsettia flowers represent the blood He shed on the cross.
The first violet candle is the “Prophets candle” and symbolizes the hope that Old Testament Jews had that a Messiah would one day come.
The second violet candle is the “Bethlehem” candle and represents the peace that the new God/Man savior would bring, ending the long spiritual rift between God and mankind.
The pink candle is the “Angels’” candle (or in some traditions, the “Mary” candle) it symbolizes the joy of Heaven that a Savior was finally to be born.
The last violet candle is the “Shepherds’” candle and represents the love or adoration of those ready to accept the gift of the Christ child.
The large white candle in the center, often lit on Christmas or Christmas Eve is the “Christ Candle” and represents Jesus as the “Light of the world,” or the Epiphany, God on Earth.
Click here if you're interested in a few Advent Devotions posted on another one of my websites.
I hope this column was enlightening. Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
The Quest for the Historical Santa Claus: Pagan God, Satan, or Christian Saint
The Quest for the Historical Santa Claus: Pagan God, Satan, or Christian Saint
As regular readers know, I am a big history buff. I'm especially a sucker for Santa Claus history. This is an awesome essay on just that.
As regular readers know, I am a big history buff. I'm especially a sucker for Santa Claus history. This is an awesome essay on just that.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
By now you probably already knew…
By now you probably already knew…
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper Thursday, December 9, 2004
We hadn’t decided how or when to tell our girls. We thought that a special dinner or something might be fun. We thought about telling them when we told Bethany’s folks. Then we went to the library.
“Me have a secwet,” Grace told Mrs. Rosberg, the librarian. “we hafin’ a baby bwother!” she announced with a smile.
We were mortified. How did she even know, since we hadn’t told her? We make it a policy to 1) not tell anyone till we tell our own parents and 2) tell as few people as possible until we’re at least four months along. Maybe that’s superstitious or overly private or not putting enough faith in God or something, but the majority of miscarriages happen in the first trimester, so we don’t advertise the first few months.
Fortunately, it seemed like Mrs. Rosberg didn’t quite understand Grace, what with her speech impediment and all. We were ready with the explanation that there’s a new baby at the babysitter’s and that she’s been asking for a new baby at our house too, but we really have know idea where she comes up with these outlandish ideas…etc. etc.
Of course, it makes sense that Grace would’ve known even before we did. Last year she was pestering us about it. One day I was swinging her on her swing and she told me she wanted a baby brother. I chuckled at her, the way dads chuckle at kids when they ask for something outlandish and the dad thinks it’s really cute, but doesn’t want to smash their dreams either.
“Well, honey,” I tried to placate her, “Mommy and Daddy aren’t even thinking about having more kids right now and even if we were, I’m not sure whether or not we can really afford to. I’ll tell you what kiddo, if it’s really that important to you, why don’t you ask Jesus about it.” Bad idea (at least if I didn’t want more kids). Asking God if you should have more kids is like asking your parents if they want more grandkids. The guy LOVES babies. I also have this theory that He pays more attention to the prayers of little kids too.
Darned if that turkey Grace didn’t stop everything she was doing, walk over to the slide, fold her hands and ask God for a baby brother right then and there!
“So if we had a little brother, what should we call him?” I asked the girls one day.
“Ummm, STEVE!” Grace declared.
“Let me guess, like Steve, the host of ‘Blues Clues’?” I asked.
“Uh huh,” Grace confirmed, nodding her head.
“NOT Steve,” Ellie protested, “JOE!” For those of you who don’t have little kids, the character of Steve left the ‘Blues Clues’ show to go to college and left his puppy, Blue, and his house to his little brother Joe.
Unfortunately for them, we are NOT naming any of our kids after TV characters. My parents tried that with my older brother. Dad loved James Gardner’s show “Maverick,” but at the Hospital, he forgot that Gardner played “Brett Maverick” and accidentally named my brother after Brett Maverick’s brother Bart, which decades later, of course, became another famous TV name.
No, we don’t know what we’re having. No, we aren’t going to find out. But I love when students ask me…
“Do you know if you’re having a boy or a girl?” they ask.
“Yes” I answer.
“So what are you having?”
“A baby,” I tell them, “well, if you want to get technical about it, I guess that actually my wife is having the baby, but it’s ours.”
“No, are you having a boy or a girl.”
“Yes, our baby will be either a boy or a girl.”
“Are you going to find out whether you’re having a boy or a girl?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“When it’s born.” At this point they usually give up with a groan.
No, we don’t like to share the names we plan on, if only because we may change our minds last minute. Be that as it may, there’s never any shortage of people who have name ideas. Most of them characters from TV shows. One student thought they’d be smart and suggest “Mallory” for a girl. Yeah, whatever. My nephew Nolan doesn’t know how close he was to being named “Agamemnon.”
We’ve talked to the girls and made it clear that Steve and Joe aren’t name options and that if they get a sister, they still have to love her and be thankful for her.
Grace never fails to ask Beth, “How’s Baby doing today?” with a pat to her Mom’s tummy.
“One, two, three, fower, FWIVE! Dere’s fwive people in dis van,” She’ll tell us, “Because I counted Baby!”
Ellie has offered to give Baby, her toddler bed- but not her “blankie” or her night light/music box that attached to her crib (and later her toddler bed).
The other night, out of the blue, she asked me what I wanted for my birthday. As if a two year old is really thinking seriously about what to get her father for his birthday.
“Well, gee,” I told her, “you know, Baby is due to be born right around my birthday time, so I guess I just hope that Baby and Mommy are alright and healthy and everything by my birthday.”
“Yeah, me too, I guess,” she told me.
Since I figured that she asked me because her birthday is in December and a lot of people have been asking her, I decided to ask her too. “Say, Ellie, it seems to me that YOUR birthday is coming up here in the next couple of weeks. What do you think you’d like for YOUR birthday?”
She must not have been trying to get me to ask her that because she really had to stop and think about it for a while.
“Hmmm,” she put her finger to her head and got a very pensive look on her face as she thought.
“Um…turkey an’ p’tatoes!” she declared.
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper Thursday, December 9, 2004
We hadn’t decided how or when to tell our girls. We thought that a special dinner or something might be fun. We thought about telling them when we told Bethany’s folks. Then we went to the library.
“Me have a secwet,” Grace told Mrs. Rosberg, the librarian. “we hafin’ a baby bwother!” she announced with a smile.
We were mortified. How did she even know, since we hadn’t told her? We make it a policy to 1) not tell anyone till we tell our own parents and 2) tell as few people as possible until we’re at least four months along. Maybe that’s superstitious or overly private or not putting enough faith in God or something, but the majority of miscarriages happen in the first trimester, so we don’t advertise the first few months.
Fortunately, it seemed like Mrs. Rosberg didn’t quite understand Grace, what with her speech impediment and all. We were ready with the explanation that there’s a new baby at the babysitter’s and that she’s been asking for a new baby at our house too, but we really have know idea where she comes up with these outlandish ideas…etc. etc.
Of course, it makes sense that Grace would’ve known even before we did. Last year she was pestering us about it. One day I was swinging her on her swing and she told me she wanted a baby brother. I chuckled at her, the way dads chuckle at kids when they ask for something outlandish and the dad thinks it’s really cute, but doesn’t want to smash their dreams either.
“Well, honey,” I tried to placate her, “Mommy and Daddy aren’t even thinking about having more kids right now and even if we were, I’m not sure whether or not we can really afford to. I’ll tell you what kiddo, if it’s really that important to you, why don’t you ask Jesus about it.” Bad idea (at least if I didn’t want more kids). Asking God if you should have more kids is like asking your parents if they want more grandkids. The guy LOVES babies. I also have this theory that He pays more attention to the prayers of little kids too.
Darned if that turkey Grace didn’t stop everything she was doing, walk over to the slide, fold her hands and ask God for a baby brother right then and there!
“So if we had a little brother, what should we call him?” I asked the girls one day.
“Ummm, STEVE!” Grace declared.
“Let me guess, like Steve, the host of ‘Blues Clues’?” I asked.
“Uh huh,” Grace confirmed, nodding her head.
“NOT Steve,” Ellie protested, “JOE!” For those of you who don’t have little kids, the character of Steve left the ‘Blues Clues’ show to go to college and left his puppy, Blue, and his house to his little brother Joe.
Unfortunately for them, we are NOT naming any of our kids after TV characters. My parents tried that with my older brother. Dad loved James Gardner’s show “Maverick,” but at the Hospital, he forgot that Gardner played “Brett Maverick” and accidentally named my brother after Brett Maverick’s brother Bart, which decades later, of course, became another famous TV name.
No, we don’t know what we’re having. No, we aren’t going to find out. But I love when students ask me…
“Do you know if you’re having a boy or a girl?” they ask.
“Yes” I answer.
“So what are you having?”
“A baby,” I tell them, “well, if you want to get technical about it, I guess that actually my wife is having the baby, but it’s ours.”
“No, are you having a boy or a girl.”
“Yes, our baby will be either a boy or a girl.”
“Are you going to find out whether you’re having a boy or a girl?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“When it’s born.” At this point they usually give up with a groan.
No, we don’t like to share the names we plan on, if only because we may change our minds last minute. Be that as it may, there’s never any shortage of people who have name ideas. Most of them characters from TV shows. One student thought they’d be smart and suggest “Mallory” for a girl. Yeah, whatever. My nephew Nolan doesn’t know how close he was to being named “Agamemnon.”
We’ve talked to the girls and made it clear that Steve and Joe aren’t name options and that if they get a sister, they still have to love her and be thankful for her.
Grace never fails to ask Beth, “How’s Baby doing today?” with a pat to her Mom’s tummy.
“One, two, three, fower, FWIVE! Dere’s fwive people in dis van,” She’ll tell us, “Because I counted Baby!”
Ellie has offered to give Baby, her toddler bed- but not her “blankie” or her night light/music box that attached to her crib (and later her toddler bed).
The other night, out of the blue, she asked me what I wanted for my birthday. As if a two year old is really thinking seriously about what to get her father for his birthday.
“Well, gee,” I told her, “you know, Baby is due to be born right around my birthday time, so I guess I just hope that Baby and Mommy are alright and healthy and everything by my birthday.”
“Yeah, me too, I guess,” she told me.
Since I figured that she asked me because her birthday is in December and a lot of people have been asking her, I decided to ask her too. “Say, Ellie, it seems to me that YOUR birthday is coming up here in the next couple of weeks. What do you think you’d like for YOUR birthday?”
She must not have been trying to get me to ask her that because she really had to stop and think about it for a while.
“Hmmm,” she put her finger to her head and got a very pensive look on her face as she thought.
“Um…turkey an’ p’tatoes!” she declared.
Psalm 146:7-9
Actual Bible Verse:
He (God) upholds the cause of the oppressed and gives food to the hungry.
The LORD sets prisoners free,
the LORD gives sight to the blind,
the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down,
the LORD loves the righteous.
The LORD watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow,
but He frustrates the ways of the wicked.
~Psalm 146:7-9
hoping to ruffle some feathers and provoke some cognitive dissonance. Sorry if I went too far and offended anyone. That's why it's just on my blog and not in my actual column.
You have to admit, the "Moral Values" expressed in Psalm 146 do sound a little more akin to the Democratic party than "Compassionate Conservatism."
"Better Dead than Red (as in state)"
-Ted
He (God) upholds the cause of the oppressed and gives food to the hungry.
The LORD sets prisoners free,
the LORD gives sight to the blind,
the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down,
the LORD loves the righteous.
The LORD watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow,
but He frustrates the ways of the wicked.
~Psalm 146:7-9
Republican Approved Version:He upholds the cause of the corporations and gives tax cuts and tax incentives to people with the means of production, in order to stimulate the economy.
The LORD uses the Patriot Act to justify holding prisoners indefinitely without indictment.
the LORD repeats suggestions often enough until people are blind to the facts, (say "Saddam Hussein" and "9/11" together in the same sentence whenever you can).
the LORD lifts up those who are successful, and if you work hard enough and "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps," maybe you could be more successful too.
the LORD hates "slimy liberals," fags, lesbos, Jews, and "people-of-color," especially "Rag-Heads.
The LORD watches over everyone with surveillance cameras and Internet tracking software and requires people to sign loyalty oaths before being permitted to enter his campaign rallies,
but He frustrates the ways of Ohio voters, especially in minority neighborhoods.
hoping to ruffle some feathers and provoke some cognitive dissonance. Sorry if I went too far and offended anyone. That's why it's just on my blog and not in my actual column.
You have to admit, the "Moral Values" expressed in Psalm 146 do sound a little more akin to the Democratic party than "Compassionate Conservatism."
"Better Dead than Red (as in state)"
-Ted
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Jeff Foxworthy on Iowa
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Iowa.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because it's the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Iowa.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Iowa.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Iowa.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Iowa.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Iowa.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Iowa.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Iowa.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Iowa.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Iowan WHEN:
1. 'Vacation' means going east or west on I-80 for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
13. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
14. Down South to you means Missouri.
15 A brat is something you eat.
16 Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
17. You go out to a tail gate party every Friday.
18. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
19. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
20. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
21. You refer to yourself as "Iowegean."
22. You think that it's not a "salad" without Jello
23. "Dinner" is the noon meal, "Supper" is the evening meal, and "Lunch" is either between dinner and supper or after supper.
Click here to email me if you have more to add.
Friday, December 03, 2004
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Keep away
"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. " ~Mark Twain
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