Resolve to not make any resolutions

I don't know if I'll ever be well enough write a weekly column anymore, but I can't lie, I really do miss it. I'm still in recovery. Pundit's Anonymous has been helping, but it's still just "one day at a time."

What do Americans do when they miss something? Bring it back in "re-runs."

So, in the event that there are actually two or three of you out there who read this blog or who used to read my column and would like to have something to put you in the New Year's
Click here: http://tedscolumn.blogspot.com/search/label/New%20Year to read my New Year's resolutions from 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2007!

Break your New Year's resolutions already? Make a new list and start over

I’m a big one on lists. I’ll have a list of things I need to get done during the course of the week and then another list for things to do that particular day. Sometimes I’ll have one list for work and another for home.

There’s a list that most of us never learn that has helped millions of people recover who suffer from a debilitating disease that not only destroys their own lives, but sometimes irrevocably damages the quality of lives of the people around them.

The list is the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and the disease is addiction, whether to alcohol, drugs, or even things like gambling, pornography, shopping and over-eating.

I was blown away once at a Bible study by a man who revealed that he felt more spiritually connected to and more able to be open and honest with his AA brothers than with anyone at our church, even in small group Bible studies, men’s prayer breakfasts or Promise Keepers.

That got me thinking, so I researched the steps. While AA members identities are protected, I don’t believe that the 12 steps are any mystic secret like some kind of Masonic rite. What I do believe is no matter what your faith these steps could help us all.

I don’t care who you are, we all do and say things that hurt people. We all have things that damage our relationships with others and prevent us from having a healthier relationship with God. And, we all make choices that are against our own best interests out of fear, greed, or impatience.

Consider these steps and I think you’ll agree, our churches and civic organizations would be drastically different places- intimate communities; if they taught and encouraged their members to all follow these steps. Family members may be more genuine with each other, partners would allow themselves to be more vulnerable with each other. Businesses and governments would be more ethical and transparent if their members practiced these steps.

1. Admit we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable. Usually we’re all too proud to admit that we aren’t totally in control.

2. Come to believe that only a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. C.S. Lewis believed that we’re all born with a “God-shaped hole” that only He can fill. Someone else once said, “if God is your co-pilot, you’re in the wrong seat.”

4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Don’t you wish that some of those corporate CEOs at the oil companies and sub-prime mortgage lenders would do this? How about our politicians?

5. Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Be ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Ask Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Make a list of all the people we’ve hurt and be willing to make amends to them.

9. Make direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admit it. It’s not a one time deal, it’s a continual, life-long process. “One day at a time” as people in recovery say. Martin Luther thought that people had to “die to sin,” and ask God to renew them every day.

11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out. Now me, I’d rather pray only for my own comfort, or maybe to win the lottery without buying a ticket- but as I understand His will for us, it’s more about looking out for others than myself.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to share the message with others and practice these principles in all our affairs. Amen. How about we ALL try this, rather than just leaving it to the addicts?

Ted Mallory lives in Charter Oak and teaches at Boyer Valley Schools in Dunlap. 'Ted's Column' has appeared weekly in the Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper since 2002. You can see all of Ted's cartoons, some even in color at http://tedstoons.blogspot.com

Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions

Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper — Schleswig Leader, Thursday, December 28, 2006 – Page 3

This year I resolved not to make any resolutions. Instead, I decided that I should share my perfect, inerrant correctness with some of the many people in this world who are not as right as they could be.

Here are some of the resolutions that other people need to make:
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez resolves to not be such a nut. And to not call other world leaders “Satan” while speaking at the U.N.

Former U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. resolves not to not bully subordinates anymore and not to serve at institutions which he doesn’t believe should exist in the first place anymore.
Retiring U.N. General Secretary Kofi Anin resolved to not try to solve other people’s problems anymore. From now on, he’s just going to let people have to slug it out.

Vice President Dick Cheney resolves not to shoot anyone in the face anymore, at least not while drinking beer or hunting quail.

John McCain resolves to go back to being his own man and a real, traditional conservative, instead of always kissing up to the Neocons in the Bush White House and/or the radically ultra-conservative religious-right of the so called Republican “base.”
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il resolves not to test any more nuclear weapons, and to stop going to Don King’s hair stylist.

Pope Benedict resolved not to call any more irrational, violent, Muslim Fundamentalist “irrational, violent, or fundamentalist.”

Muqtada al-Sadr really needs to resolve to work for the stability and security of Iraq, instead of just perpetuating chaos, anarchy and anti-American terrorism.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad should resolve to stop denying the holocaust, grant his own people the freedom of speech he demands for anti-Semitic nuts like himself and KKK Grand Wizard David Duke.

Russian President Vladmir Putin resolves not to poison anymore people who suspect him of trying to re-establish a Stalinist regime in the former Soviet Union.

Former Vice President Al Gore is already doing good on his resolution to give up political office and pursue a life as a Hollywood star and environmental crusader.

Katie Couric resolves to be less sweet and perky now that she’s taken over the CBS Evening News.

Ex-President George H. W. Bush (Sr.) resolves not to try to push off anymore of his numb skulled sons on us for President anymore.

Nebraska businessman Pete Ricketts resolves not to spend more than a million dollars on negative campaigning against Democrats who may as well be Republicans again.

Ben Nelson and Joe Lieberman resolve to caucus with the Democratic Party, even though they’re both basically moderate Republicans.

Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley resolves not to try having cyber-sex with teenage boys anymore, at least not while serving as chairman of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children’s Caucus.

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert resolves to pay more attention.

Rev. Ted Haggard resolves not to by meth from gay prostitutes anymore.

Mel Gibson and Michael Richards (Sienfeld’s “Kramer”) resolve to attend cultural sensitivity and anger management workshops.

Virginia Senator George Allen resolves not to call people “Muccaca” (slang for “little monkey”) and just be racist in private and not on camera in front of hundreds of potential voters.
Angelina Jolie and Madonna resolve not to buy anymore children at bazaars while on vacation overseas.

Dallas Cowboy Terrell Owens resolves to stop being such a massive egotistical idiot and just play football.

Bill Callahan resolves to listen to his inner-Tom Osborne and try using a ground game a little more often so the Huskers can actually win, instead of depending so much on his little “West Coast-Offense.”

President George W. needs to resolve to listen to people like Jim Baker and Lee Hamilton as opposed to being so stubborn and unable to admit when he’s really screwed up.

Pluto resolves to try harder, work out more and try to bulk up a little so that it can be considered a real planet again someday.

A new way of looking at New Year’s resolutions

According to www.mygoals.com, who call themselves the “premiere website for setting and reaching personal and professional goals,” these are the top New Year’s resolutions for 2005.

1) Lose weight and get in shape Made by 26% of people who make New Year’s resolutions.

2) Get a better job 13%

3) Be more organized, use time more efficiently 13%

4) Spend time for personal growth/self improvement 12%

5) Get out of debt and/or save more money 12%

6) Improve relationships with family 8%

7) Go back to school 8%

8) Fix up the house 4%

9) Spend more time having fun 3%

So how many of these are resolutions you’re planning on making? How many are resolutions you made last year? How’d ya do at keeping them? Yeah, me too. Let’s see…

1) I wish-I’ve tried that one too many years and keep failing

2) need to get a second job, not necessarily a better one- how about just winning the lottery without playing?

3) For an adult with A.D.D. I’m coping pretty well- although my wife may not think so

4) I’ve read “7 Habits” and “Power of Positive Thinking,” how much more can I improve, I mean really, ain’t I pretty damn near perfect already?

5) need to get a second job, not necessarily a better one- how about just winning the lottery without playing?- or did I say that already?

6) how much more can I improve, I mean really, ain’t I pretty damn near perfect already? - or did I say THAT already?

7) I’d love to get a Master’s someday, but I even if I ever could make up my mind as to what I want to get it in, numbers 3, 5, and 6 all get in the way, don’t they?

8) Okay, you can all stop laughing now, especially my father-in-law, uncle-in-law, brother-in-law, and wife.

9) See, that’s where I’m good- because my idea of fun is different than most people. Maybe I’m boring by most people’s standards. Most people would love to bar-hopping or dancing or hang gliding or gambling or extreme water sports-ing or something. But I enjoy teaching and coaching (most of the time) and this-writing- is fun for me.

This year is going to be different. Here are my resolutions for this year:

1) Quit smoking

2) Quit drinking more than a couple beers a week

3) No more sushi

4) Quit picking fights with thick-necked guys named “Gunter”

5) Quit chewing tobacco

6) Quit betting on NFL, NBA, NASCAR, horses, etc.

7) Cancel my subscriptions to Hustler, Penthouse, Playboy etc.

8) No more unilateral pre-emptive invasions of third world countries or violations of the Geneva Conventions through torture and abuse

9) Lose weight and get in shape

10) Write shorter columns

Not bad, eh? See I figure you have to set your goals in such a way that you insure at least a modicum of success. If I choose resolutions that I’m ALREADY keeping, than when 2006 comes around, I’ll be at least an 80% success and only a 20 % failure. That way, I build up my self-esteem and maybe then I’ll have enough confidence to take on those last two in 2007. Never put off today what you can put off tomorrow, I always say.

Top 10 Resolutions; Or ‘Blame it on Baghdad’

Did you know that New Years was created by the Babylonians over four thousand years ago? So if you hate making New Year’s resolutions, it’s just one more thing to blame on Baghdad.

I was curious what the most popular New Year’s resolutions in America were. So I ran a Google search on the internet. You’d think that the Gallup Poll people might have a list, wouldn’t you? Nope. USA Today? No. CNN? Time? Well, they had a Year in Photos, but nothing about resolutions. Finally “About.com” had something, but it was from their “Guide to Philadelphia” section, so it’s really not a necessarily representative of all of us.

By the way, you have to be really careful when you make a Google search. I tried typing in “Year-in-review,” whoa Nelly, you would not believe the websites Google turned up when I accidentally typed “Rear-in-review.”

Be that as it may, her is my brief commentary on About.com’s top 10 New Year’s Resolutions

1) Spend More Time with Family & Friends
According to About.com, General Nutrition Centers took a poll that says that 59% of Americans promise to spend more time with family and friends this year. Are most of GNC’s customers spending too much time at work? Or at the Gym maybe? I’d like to spend more time with my family and friends, but for some reason all the High School Athletic Directors and Basketball coaches think that kids have to play two or three games a week December through March. I don’t know why that is. Schools only play one football game a week all fall. Don’t get me wrong, Sports are good for kids, teach life lessons, build character, etc.

2) Fit in Fitness
Everybody knows that exercise is associated with all kinds of health benefits. “Reduces the risk of cancer… increases longevity, helps achieve & maintain weight loss, enhances mood, lowers blood pressure, and even improves arthritis etc. etc. blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.” Okay, About.com didn’t use all the “blahs” and “yaddas.” I know all this stuff. We all know all this stuff, but that doesn’t make me like it, or get me out of bed at 4:30 in the morning to do it. Especially when I don’t get home till 11:30 after the basketball game. And it’s going to be 18˚ and icy or muddy at 4:30 between now and June.


3) Tame the Bulge
About.com says that ”Fifty-five percent of adults in America are overweight” Yea!!! That means that 55% of Americans don’t look down their noses at me for being such a fat slob! By the way, have you noticed a trend here? Is it About.com, or GNC? No, I think it’s pretty natural. In fact, I think this is #1 on most of our lists of resolutions. It has been on mine for say the last 25 years of so. I was doing pretty good from June to September, but I pretty much fell off the wagon in October.

4) Quit Smoking
They say this one takes at least two years to achieve. Supposedly, cigarettes are even more addictive than heroine. I smoked a few cigars back in college. I fancied my self a connoisseur. As if a 19 year old can be a connoisseur. Anyway, being a tobacco-snob is like being an imported-beer-snob, it’s too expensive to become too habit forming. The real thing that helped me quit was Bethany. She was my fiancé at the time. She offered to buy me a “Goya de Nicuragua” (my favorite stogie), but she told me that there was no way she’d be kissin’ me for several days. For the rest of you, I’d like to recommend http://www.quitnet.com.


5) Enjoy Life More
Forced to spend more time with your family, having to eat less, get up early to exercise, and no more cigars? What kind of a life does About.com want me to lead? Next they’ll be telling me I can’t drink anymore either.
Seriously though, getting more sleep, being healthier and more fit, losing weight, spending more time with my family and maybe some St. John’s Wort will help.


6) Quit Drinking
Remember, I’ve got that Imported-Beer-Snob thing going. I like Miller Lite and I’ll tolerate Bud Light, but my alcohol is pretty few and far between. Although, my friends on the Atkin’s diet tell me that it’s a carbohydrate/weight loss issue too. That’s an idea that has merit.


7) Get Out of Debt
OW, ow, ow. This might take more than a year. It also might require that I start buying lottery tickets, unfortunately I can’t afford the dollar a week, even with all the money I save on cigarettes and beer. Plus there’s all that St. John’s Wort I’m buying, and the membership at the gym.

8) Learn Something New
Last year I planned on learning how to play the guitar. I even ran out and bought “Guitar for Dummies.” This year I plan on watching the Discovery Channel a lot, that way I can learn useful stuff like how to make a Chevy Suburban into a mobile Las Vegas wedding chapel.

9) Help Others
Was it Ben Franklin who said “God helps those who help themselves?” I don’t know. It may be selfish, but it’s hard to take care # 9 when you can’t even help yourself enough to take care of # 1 through 8.

10) Get Organized
Yeah right. I started reading this book on Adult Attention Deficit Disorder once, but I just didn’t have the patience to finish it.
The only real resolution I made this year was to write shorter columns, but it looks like I’ll have to try again next year.