Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions

Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions
Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper — Schleswig Leader, Thursday, December 28, 2006 – Page 3

This year I resolved not to make any resolutions. Instead, I decided that I should share my perfect, inerrant correctness with some of the many people in this world who are not as right as they could be.

Here are some of the resolutions that other people need to make:
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez resolves to not be such a nut. And to not call other world leaders “Satan” while speaking at the U.N.

Former U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. resolves not to not bully subordinates anymore and not to serve at institutions which he doesn’t believe should exist in the first place anymore.
Retiring U.N. General Secretary Kofi Anin resolved to not try to solve other people’s problems anymore. From now on, he’s just going to let people have to slug it out.

Vice President Dick Cheney resolves not to shoot anyone in the face anymore, at least not while drinking beer or hunting quail.

John McCain resolves to go back to being his own man and a real, traditional conservative, instead of always kissing up to the Neocons in the Bush White House and/or the radically ultra-conservative religious-right of the so called Republican “base.”
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il resolves not to test any more nuclear weapons, and to stop going to Don King’s hair stylist.

Pope Benedict resolved not to call any more irrational, violent, Muslim Fundamentalist “irrational, violent, or fundamentalist.”

Muqtada al-Sadr really needs to resolve to work for the stability and security of Iraq, instead of just perpetuating chaos, anarchy and anti-American terrorism.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad should resolve to stop denying the holocaust, grant his own people the freedom of speech he demands for anti-Semitic nuts like himself and KKK Grand Wizard David Duke.

Russian President Vladmir Putin resolves not to poison anymore people who suspect him of trying to re-establish a Stalinist regime in the former Soviet Union.

Former Vice President Al Gore is already doing good on his resolution to give up political office and pursue a life as a Hollywood star and environmental crusader.

Katie Couric resolves to be less sweet and perky now that she’s taken over the CBS Evening News.

Ex-President George H. W. Bush (Sr.) resolves not to try to push off anymore of his numb skulled sons on us for President anymore.

Nebraska businessman Pete Ricketts resolves not to spend more than a million dollars on negative campaigning against Democrats who may as well be Republicans again.

Ben Nelson and Joe Lieberman resolve to caucus with the Democratic Party, even though they’re both basically moderate Republicans.

Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley resolves not to try having cyber-sex with teenage boys anymore, at least not while serving as chairman of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children’s Caucus.

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert resolves to pay more attention.

Rev. Ted Haggard resolves not to by meth from gay prostitutes anymore.

Mel Gibson and Michael Richards (Sienfeld’s “Kramer”) resolve to attend cultural sensitivity and anger management workshops.

Virginia Senator George Allen resolves not to call people “Muccaca” (slang for “little monkey”) and just be racist in private and not on camera in front of hundreds of potential voters.
Angelina Jolie and Madonna resolve not to buy anymore children at bazaars while on vacation overseas.

Dallas Cowboy Terrell Owens resolves to stop being such a massive egotistical idiot and just play football.

Bill Callahan resolves to listen to his inner-Tom Osborne and try using a ground game a little more often so the Huskers can actually win, instead of depending so much on his little “West Coast-Offense.”

President George W. needs to resolve to listen to people like Jim Baker and Lee Hamilton as opposed to being so stubborn and unable to admit when he’s really screwed up.

Pluto resolves to try harder, work out more and try to bulk up a little so that it can be considered a real planet again someday.