Annual Exclusive

Annual Exclusive
Thursday, December 14, 2006- Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper & Schleswig LEADER

8:30 or so last Thursday night I sat down in a booth in the bar in Charter Oak to visit with a very old friend.

“Merry Christmas Ted.”

“Merry Christmas Chris. You know, even though we’ve been doing this for a few years now, I still can’t get over the fact that you can spare the time to grant a virtual amateur like me an interview like this.”

“Ho, ho,” he chuckled, “Well, not to discourage or disparage you at all, but I’ll admit that the biggest reason I do is so that I can thank all the good folks in the commercial clubs and community clubs of the towns that these newspapers serve for all the hard work and resources that they commit when they invite me to visit the kids in their towns.”

“Well, thank you for coming to town,” I told him, “My own girls certainly had a ball. They loved taking their picture with you, the devoured the treats in the goodie bags and they were thrilled with the door prizes they won. I know I appreciate the turkey my wife won!”

“Ho, ho, well, you know it takes a lot of volunteers and businesses to make those Santa Nights happen. I don’t mean to play favorites, but I think they’re far better than just coming to see one of my stand-ins at some big mall in a major suburb.”

“I’ll say, not just the meal and all the friends and neighbors but you get to take your own picture or pay just a buck for Polaroid as opposed to dropping fifteen or twenty bucks into a photo package.”

“Think globally, shop locally!”

“You know, you must really love kids and you sure have to have tough knees. Something I’ve always wondered, did you ever have kids of your own? And if you do, do you ever bring them along on your long trip?”

“Ho, ho, no, no… you’re forgetting, I’m a man of the cloth, married to the Lord and the work He gives me. Sure, I love kids, but could you imagine taking them along on a 24 hour road trip? How many bathroom breaks? How many times would I have to listen to ‘are we there yet?’ No thanks. One of the perks of my job is that I get to drop in, spread some joy and then the kids go home with their parents while I get to go home, put my feet up and enjoy the peace and quiet. I’m sort of like a grandparent that way.”

“All the movies and TV specials show you with a Mrs. Claus,” I protested.
“Myth is more powerful than truth. People believe what they want to and America especially has gone out of its way to reinvent me into a Grandfatherly role. People in this day and age aren’t comfortable with a bachelor cavorting with children, understandably so, I suppose.”

“But don’t you ever wish you’d met that right woman?”

“Too busy for too many years.”

“So you don’t even date?”

“I still keep busy, besides, when you’re over 1,500 years old you don’t worry about your libido very much.”

“How do you do it? To what do you ascribe your incredible longevity?”

“I guess the Lord’s not done with me yet. There’s still plenty to do.”

“Wow… say, people are going to want to know, how exactly can you make your trip all in one night anyway? What is the magic?”

“Just that, no big secret, just Christmas magic. Of course, not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone who does still believes in me, and not everybody celebrates Christmas on December 25. I’m Greek Orthodox, you remember, then there is plenty of folks who celebrate St. Nicolas day separate from Christmas… and of course it’s not as if I do it all at the stroke of midnight- there are time zones, you know. Midnight here is only ten o’clock on the West coast.”

“Don’t you have trouble with governments for violating restricted air space?”

“My cruising speed is about Mach 3, even the U.S. and Russian Air Forces have a hard time even spotting me on their most advanced radar. Besides, I have a long standing relationship with the boys at N.O.R.A.D.”

“Still, hat if some hostile nation tried firing a SCUD missile at you or something?”

“Fruit Cake.”

"I beg your pardon?"

“You’ve heard of potato guns? My sleigh is equipped with R.P.F.C.- Rocket Propelled Fruit Cakes.”

“You have GOT to be kidding me!”

“Hey, listen, your own General Washington once used them when he ran out of cannon balls during the Revolutionary War. What else are you going to use them for? Door stops?”