Coffeeholics Anonymous

Hi, I’m my name is Ted (no last name) and I’m a coffeeholic.

1. We admitted we were powerless over coffee--that our lives had become unmanageable.

It’s unmanageable because I can’t seem to function in the morning with out a cup of coffee. I start to get run down in the afternoon if I don’t have a couple more cups later on, but I can’t get to sleep at night because there’s too much caffeine left in my system.

I have to drink enough coffee just to feel normal. To actually get really alert and pleasantly aware, I have to drink the hard stuff, espresso. Regular Joe was just my gateway drug, it led to more serious things, Mocha Java, Cappuccino, occasionally a Voltaire… I even tried a Caramello once. And yes, it loathes me admit this to anyone…I even drink prepackaged, refrigerated, Starbuck’s bottled “Frappuccinos.” One day at an all-day teacher’s workshop- I had three. I almost overdosed. It’s truly a miracle that I’m even here today.

I try not to drink any coffee or pop when I know I have to go to the Doctor, because I’m sure they’ll tell me I have high blood pressure, but when you’re sick you’re even more tired or worse you have “medicine- head” from cold pills, so if you’re going to manage to drive yourself to the doctor’s office, you have to have some coffee.

2. I had ALMOST come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity…

But you see, I’m Lutheran. Coffee is one of Sacraments. It’s a means of Grace. Phillip Melangthon, Martin Luther’s colleague in the Theology department at Wittenburg University was thought to have said, “Coffee is proof that God loves us,” or something along those lines. We have dark roast for matins and half-caf for vespers. Old Lutheran stores sell “Most Certainly Brew” brand coffee for Gospel brunches.

Missouri Synod Lutherans, old, conservative, German Lutherans believe in modest, classic coffee. Maybe a little creamer and sweetener, but just powder, nothing so self-indulgent as these expensive liquid creamers. Those Evangelical Lutherans, the wild liberal Scandinavians prefer those prissy, decadent flavored coffees like hazelnut and Irish cream and Kaluha and cinnamon almond and like that. Since the fellowship agreement with the Episcopalians, there’s even rumors that they’re experimenting with English tea and even Eastern, New Age beverages like “chai tea.” What is chai tea anyway? I always get it confused with “tai chee”, which is some kind of Chinese slow ballet stretching exercise or something.

3. So, I made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

And as I understand Him, He made coffee and so how can anything He made be bad for us? Or isn’t that what people who smoke pot say? Anyway- it’s a bean and God made beans, so how can a bean be so bad?

4. I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

And found myself to be about a quart low.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

I admit that I’m a bear if I don’t get my coffee. Year after year I try to give it up for Lent and year after year my students are BEGGING me to drink coffee by late February because I’m so crabby without it. Who knows how many people I have wronged while suffering from withdrawal.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

How soon do I have to be ready? Can’t you wait just five minutes? Let a guy just sit her for a few minutes with the newspaper and a cup of coffee. You know it takes me a while to get going . We won’t be late, I promise. Can’t a guy get just five minutes of peace and quiet all to himself? Is that so much to ask?