I sat in the booth at the truck stop waiting for Nick. We were meeting for my annual exclusive interview. It was not like him to not be punctual, but I had been waiting almost a half an hour past the time we had agreed to meet.
The next think I knew, an ancient looking man approached my table. He couldn’t have been more than five foot tall. He was dressed all in green suede and didn’t speak.
He placed a small envelope on the table in front of me, tipped his hat and left. Inside was a small card on very formal stationary with a web- address on it and a short not that said, “Mr. C sends his regrets, but a member of his team will meet you here.”
It turned out that the address was a private chat-room. I generally avoid chat-rooms, bulletin boards and especially instant-messengers. It’s not so much that I’m afraid of anything like opening my computer to viruses or anything, it’s just that if I wanted to talk to someone in real time, I’d rather be with them face to face, or at least on the phone.
I logged on to the Wild-Wild Web and checked into the chat-room as directed. Almost immediately, I was greeted:
CHB: Thank you for meeting with me.
TM: Hello, to whom am I speaking- or reading, as the case may be.
CHB: My name is ‘Calminaion Heldere Bekendheid,’ I am an elf. Mr. C was detained by an unforeseen engagement. He thought that you might not mind interviewing one of us this year as something different.
TM: Oh, Okay, umm, boy, how do you pronounce a name like that? Do you have any nicknames?
CHB: You can call me Bob.
TM: Uh, how long have you been an elf?
CHB: My whole life. How long have you been a human? What kind of a question is that? I was told that you were an experienced journalist.
TM: Okay, okay, Please forgive me. I wasn’t prepared to interview an elf. Let me try again...um...
Oh, I know, how old are you?
CHB (a.k.a. Bob): Boy, you’re a real soft-touch, aren’t you? Do you start all your interviews so impolitely?
TM: Oh, I’m sorry again. Are elves sensitive about their ages?
CHB: Aren’t you? No matter, I was born in 805 A.D. Don’t you have any more important questions? Say about Christmas, or Santa Claus?
TM: Wow. Uh, where are you from? Originally, I mean- I assume you’re from the North Pole now.
CHB: Never assume anything. That whole North Pole thing is a myth, but then, I suppose that as far as you’re concerned, so am I. You couldn’t find my home town on a map. My kind are from behind the gossamer veil between realms.
TM: Well, Saint Nicholas is originally from Macedonia, what is now Turkey. Is where you’re from going by a different name today?
CHB: I TOLD you, it’s not anywhere you could find on your own.
TM: Are you saying elves are from another planet? Or another dimension?
CHB: I’m no physicist so I really couldn’t explain it to you- it’s more of a metaphysical thing anyway.
TM: Okay... well, uh, just how many of you are there?
CHB: Of me? Why, I should hope there’s only one!
TM: I mean elves? How many elves.
CHB: Well how in the Dickens should I know? Do I look like the census bureau? How many humans are there? 7 billion?
TM: Whoa? Santa has billions of elves?
CHB: Boy you humans are sure arrogant? You think you’re the only intelligent life on the planet!
First of all, he does not “have” any elves as if we’re his property or slaves or chattel. Secondly, there are only twelve of us on the team. I guess there are thirteen, but Peter’s not an elf.
TM: Only twelve? But how can you make all of those toys? How do you handle production? Who manages inventory? Don’t you elves help Santa with logistics as well?
CHB: Oy veigh! Do all of you Americans only see things through a business paradigm? Your’s is not the only Weltanschuang around, you know.
TM: Welshishwhatzit?
CHB: It’s German for ..for... well, there isn’t really an English word for it- paradigm or world-view probably come the closest. My point is that it’s very clever satire to remake Santa into your own image, but the truth is far more mysterious, even mystical. It is MAGIC, after all.
TM: Are you saying that it’s all some New Age, Neo-pagan, Norse mythology? Is there some secret information like in the da Vinci Code?
CHB: Oy veigh again! When you’re talking about Saint Nicholas, one of the signatories of the Nicean Creed! If he’s de-evolved into heresy, it’s your society’s fault, not his.
My point is, He is more a metaphor than a myth, more an analogy than anathema. Why don’t you pick up a copy of C.S. Lewis’ ‘Chronicles of Narnia’ for Christmas?
TM: I’m sorry, maybe we should just give up, I think I’m more confused now that I’ve interviewed you than before we started.
CHB: You find yourself confused a lot, don’t ya kid? Merry Christmas anyway!
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