Be thankful you live in the present, not the past

If you just can’t think of anything to be thankful for this thanksgiving, be thankful that you live in the Midwest in 2007 rather than in New England in the 1620s.

The Governor of Plymouth (William Bradford) invited Grand Sachem (what the heck is a Sachem, anyway? That’s why we use easier labels like “Chief”) Massasoit and the Wampanoag people to join them in a feast which included fresh eel and corn. Mmmmm, eel.

The Pilgrim settlers fed and entertained the Native Americans for three days, at which point some of the Native Americans went into the forest, killed 5 deer, and gave them to the Bradford as a gift. I don’t have anything against venison, but it seems to me like the Wampanoag family just didn’t know when to go home. That or the Pilgrims were way too polite and couldn’t figure out a sensitive way to let them know that the party was over and they needed to get to bed so they could get up in time for the big sales at the Plymouth Mall Friday morning.

Something I’ve often wondered as a student of history is whether “Wampanoag” is a Wampanoag word or an English one. I guess if there can be tribes with names like Lakota, Ioway, Ute, and Pawnee, there can be one called Wampanoag.

Young parents who give their babies “Black” names like Tanisha, Taquisha and Laquisha confound white people. What if people went back and used Wampanoag names like Squanto and Massasoit? This was a difficult paragraph to read, wasn’t it? Just imagine being poor William Bradford and having to pronounce all the non-English words. People form Iowa have a hard time pronouncing Spanish words like Cholla (Choya), Ocotillo (Oc-a-tiyo) and Saguaro (Sa-wor-o).

The last think I want to do is to be insensitive to Native Americans. Maybe Massasoit should have had a better policy about illegal immigration. His oldest son Wamsutta mysteriously turned up dead after meeting with the leaders of the Plymouth colonists. That made his second son Metacomet angry enough to declare war on the Pilgrims.

If you’re thankful that a woman may become the next President of the United States, thank the Wamanoag for setting the example of encouraging women leaders. Massasoit was Grand Sachem, but Weetamoo was a female Sachem. She drowned in a river running to escape from the Pilgrims. Then there was Awashonks, another woman Sachem who led braves into battle along side Metacomet.

Whew! Those are hard names. Probably why the Pilgrims decided to just call Metacomet “Prince Phillip.”

Poor Bill Bradford. His first wife, Dorothy May Bradford fell overboard from the Mayflower in December 1620, and drowned in Provincetown Harbor. He must have threw himself into his political career, because he was elected governor thirty times. The first Governor, John Carver died in the winter of 1620, along with half the Mayflower’s passengers. I’m not sure if Bradford constituted the first machine politician, centuries before Chicago’s Richard Daley or if it was more like the Mayor’s job in Charter Oak, where nobody else wants to do it so poor Randy just gets stuck with it.

Of course Captain Myles Standish had that whole “Serino Debergiac” thing going on with John Alden and Priscilla Mullins. Mrs. Standish got sick and died in 1621 and Myles hoped to remarry the demure Miss Mullins, but being a shy sailor and not one of the “in-crowd” among the Separatist Pilgrims, he asked his friend John to ask Pris if she thought he was cute and if she’d sit by him at recess. Unfortunately for Capt. Myles, she started crushing on Johnny instead. That’s how those things always seem to work out.

FYI Standish was just “a captain,” “THE Captain” of the HMS Mayflower was Captain Christopher Jones. Why nobody ever remembers him, I don’t know. Presumably he was just under contract to the Plymouth Company and not one of the Pilgrims. Of the 100 passengers on the three-month passage, the “strangers” outnumbered the Pilgrims.

Around 1741, the townspeople of Plymouth wanted to build a wharf. They decided to commemorate their town fathers with big boulder about 650 feet from where the initial settlement was built. Thus was “Plymouth Rock,” our nations first tourist trap, born. It must have been a big rock. In 1774 they decided to haul it up to town hall. Unfortunately, it broke in half and they just left part of it down by the wharf. History is never easy.

Turkey & Football

The family clamored around the table. The aroma of a home cooked meal filled the air, as did the feeling of anticipation- after all, the meal had been in preparation all morning and some items even the night before.

But first, the lady of the house had to welcome their guests who were waiting at the door.

“Greetings Massasoit, we’re so clad you decided to come, may I take your head-dress?”

“Thank you Barbara, here, we weren’t sure what to bring, I hope you like it,” he said while handing her a steaming the corn casserole. His wife came in behind him with bowl of cracked-wheat and brown sugar pudding. “Where’s Myles?” He then asked.

“Oh, he’s in the back with the boys getting ready for the big game. He said something about the teams wearing their old uniforms or something, it’s right through here,” she directed the Chief past the great room and back to the den.

“Good grief,” sighed his wife, Standing-Water. “Every year it’s the same thing, it seems like from September to January I’m a widow every Sunday.”

“I know what you mean,” she empathized. “Come on back to the kitchen,” she invited, “Priscilla’s here.”

“Oh my,” Mrs. Massasoit whispered, “I thought she was the one who was after your Myles.”

“Oh Lordy,” Barbara Standish assured her, “that was over eons ago. Besides, it was Myles who was after her- water under the bridge now. Besides, her new beau, John Alden is with her. He’s back there rough housing with the kids. My land, I swear I’ll never understand a man’s fascination with throwing a pig’s bladder around.”

Finally, meal time arrived. The children petered each other and teased. The youngest kids turned up their noses at the squash and peas. The Herring and eel were very popular, but not as much as the venison with gooseberry relish. Myles Standish had to stop the boys from throwing hickory nuts at the girls. For the most part, a good time was had by all.

Until Bill Bradford stood up to make a speech. He had hitting the ale pretty hard all afternoon.

“The Council has thought meet to appoint and set apart...a day of Solemn Thanksgiving and praise to God for such his Goodness and Favour, many Particulars of which mercy might be Instanced...” he rambled.

“Oh no,” pined Alden under his breath to his friend Myles, “Here he goes talking about religion again.

“...The Council doth commend it to the Respective Ministers, Elders and people of this Jurisdiction;” Bradford continued.

“Aw man,” Standish complained to Alden, now he’s on to politics...”

And thus the first Thanksgiving dinner was ruined by people talking about sex, politics, and religion. If only they would have stuck to food and football.

Enjoy your pumpkin soup!

Happy Thanksgiving. I’d be amazed if you’re actually reading this on Thanksgiving. Some folks get there NEWspaper on Wednesday, some don’t get around to reading it till the weekend. I’m sure you’re busy. If you you’re reading this a week later, I understand. No offense taken.

So what’d ya have? White meat? Dark? Did ya go the John Madden NFL route and have a “Turducken?” Mashed potatoes? Dressing? Green bean casserole? Let me guess, cranberry something and some sort of pie? Why is it that millions of us Americans eat pretty much the same thing on Thanksgiving?

One of my fondest Thanksgiving memories was when Beth’s folks were out and instead of taking I-5 up to our cousins’ in Northern California, we decided to meander up Highway 1 along the coast. It took way longer than we thought it would, so we spent Thanksgiving night near of Hearst’s Castle. The pizza and beer was Okay, but at lunch we had stopped in Morrow Bay and had the best clam chowder on earth in a practically empty restaurant with huge windows overlooking the Pacific.

Some people’s first reaction would be pity. Thanksgiving without turkey? Sacrilege!

The truth of the matter is that the Pilgrims didn’t even have forks. Sorry, no forks, but they did have spoons, knives, and their fingers. They wiped their hands on the same napkins that they used as pot holders and tongs.

Miles Standish and Pricilla Mullins also had to some how get by without desert. They had brought sugar with them on the Mayflower but by the time of the feast, they were probably out. Oh yeah, no ovens either. That meant no pies, cakes, cookies, brown-and-serve rolls or even bread.

According to the historychannel.com Much of the first Thanksgiving was seafood; cod, eel, clams, and lobster. That makes sense, Plymouth, Massachusetts is pretty much a seafood bonanza. Notice, Allan (my father-in-law), no oysters. Maybe they waited for Christmas Eve, like you. Personally, I hate oysters, but Bethany hates lobsters, you can’t please everybody.

I understand that the Pilgrims might have had a turkey or two (wild though, not a big fat domestic tom). They and their Wampanoag Indian hosts also probably had plenty of other fowl like goose, duck, crane, swan, partridge, and yes, eagles (is nothing sacred?!). Talk about a lot of “tryptophan.” That’s that enzyme in bird meat that makes you sleepy. I bet nobody was left awake to do the dishes in then either. I for one really enjoy pheasant, you just have to be careful to pick the bird-shot out of the wound.

I tell ya what, anybody on the Atkin’s diet would have loved the first Thanksgiving. Cholesterol was the least of their worries. They were much more worried about small pox and the plague.

The menu continued with Venison, Seal (I hope no PETA members just read that). They had a little bit of stone ground wheat flour, and of course… “Indian corn.”

There was some other vegetables to, like roasted pumpkin, not as a pie, more likely soup. That one was one of George Washington’s favorites. I guess that there are only so many things you can eat with wooden teeth. Of course, Washington was a century later, don’t get your history confused.

The Pilgrims probably topped off their feast with peas, beans, onions, lettuce, radishes, carrots, plums, grapes, walnuts, chestnuts, acorns. No Stove Top stuffing, no French's® French Fried Onions or Campbell's® Cream of Mushroom to make that green bean casserole, and no Cool Whip®. Worst of all, the Pilgrims had no cranberry gelatin goop that makes that “shloop” sound when it slides out of the can.

No Lions’ game, no Cowboy’s game, but it was only a couple of decades before they had some wicked witch-hunts.

This first feast in 1621 wasn't repeated, so it couldn’t have been the start of our tradition. In fact, the radically conservative Puritan Pilgrims didn't call it “Thanksgiving.”

To them, a “thanksgiving” was a religious day, so they went to church and thanked God for a specific event, like winning a battle. On such a day, no recreational activities were allowed, like playing games or singing. You can bet that there would be no way that pagan savages like the Wampanoag’s would be invited. The Pilgrims were actually pretty intolerant for having come here for “religious freedom.”

Our Thanksgiving in America really got started with George Washington who declared a one-time holiday. Abe Lincoln proclaimed the last Thursday in November as"...a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens." F.D.R. moved it to the fourth Thursday in 1939, to keep a fifth week in November from cutting into the Christmas shopping season.

Tomorrow (the Friday after Thanksgiving), is now the busiest shopping day of the year. Save your sanity, join thousands of penny pinchers by observing it as the “National Buy-Nothing Day.” Believe me, if you even try to go to a mall tomorrow, you’ll wish you hadn’t.

Turns out that the Macy's Parade, was started in the 1920's by first-generation immigrant employees of the department store who wanted to celebrate with the kind of festival they loved in Europe. They put on costumes, borrowed 25 animals from the Central Park Zoo and marched 111 city blocks, drawing a crowd of a quarter million, which pretty much guaranteed an instant tradition.

You should have seen the parade of cars on I-5 backed up on the Sunday night after Thanksgiving full of pilgrims trying to get back home to L.A. I’m thankful that now we just go up to see our relatives Sioux Falls.