Defying the laws time and space

Well, you had an election two days ago. Did anyone vote in it? Was anyone elected? I only ask because this newspaper is sort of a time machine. See, I’m writing this in the past, my future is your present.

Over a week ago I would’ve predicted that it would be an even tighter race than it was in 2000. I’d also predict that at the time you’re reading this, the election still won’t be decided. I predicted a week ago that it will be contested and that there will be all sorts of allegations of fraud. This is especially scary since if it goes to the Supreme Court again, their decisions may be contested too, especially if Chief Justice Renquest’s poor health leaves him incapacitated.

But then, I tend to be pessimistic about these things. I blame my Lutheran upbringing, hope for the best, but plan for the worst and you’ll be relieved by anything in between.

Here in the comfort of a week ago, I’m afraid that I predict that it doesn’t matter whether you in my future elected Bush or Kerry. Regardless of who won, I predict that the war in Iraq will get worse, there will probably be a draft. Taxes will go up (regardless of who’s elected or what they promised). Terrorists will still hate us. People will still disagree about things like education, abortion, and gay marriage. Health care costs will continue to skyrocket, but inflation on everything else will catch up with it. And, oh yeah, they’ll probably reinstitute the draft.

The pessimist moans, “Well, things couldn’t get any worse,” of course the ever “can-do” optimist cheerily enourages, “oh sure they could!”

I know, I’m just a nattering naybob of negativity, aren’t I. The hardest part of this is that no matter who won last Tuesday, half of you agree with me, am I right? If Kerry won, all my dearly loved Republican friends a frightened that we’re going to Hell in a hand basket and that any minute now all the gay Hollywood terrorist-tolerant elitists are going to outlaw God. But if Bush won, many of my well-meaning progressive friends are planning their escape routes to Canada for when the goose-stepping brown-shirts come knocking on their boarded up doors in order to round them up and burn their books.

There is good news though. No more of those infernal campaign ads for at least another three years.

The optimist says brightly, "This is the best of all possible worlds," whereupon the pessimist sighs, "I'm afraid you're right."

Either way, it’s still a confusing time. Its times like these that we really need to lay down the law. Just remember, we’re a nation of laws.

Newton’s Laws:

I. Any object in motion tends to remain in motion.

Yikes, does that mean things are going to keep going the way they’ve been going?

II. The amount of force depends on the mass times its acceleration.

So does that mean that if we are going to Hell in a hand-basket, Hell’s power depends on our speed and the size of the hand-basket?

III. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

What is that supposed to mean? Isn’t that the “law of the jungle?” You know, “whatever they do to you, do it back to them, only double.” Yikes. Does that mean that the lying and cheating and dirty tricks (and negative campaign ads) are going to continue even now that the election is over? We need to change the laws.

The laws of thermodynamics describe some of the fundamental truths observed in our Universe.

I. Conservation of Energy. This law suggests that energy can be transferred from one system to another in many forms. However, it can’t be created nor destroyed. Thus, the total amount of energy available in the Universe is constant.

Does that include negative energy? How much energy was wasted on all those campaign ads? As much as the money wasted on ads for drugs to help with acid reflux disease and sexual dysfunction?

II. This law also predicts that the entropy always increases with time. Entropy is the measure of the disorder or randomness of energy and matter in a system. Because of the second law of thermodynamics both energy and matter in the Universe are becoming less useful as time goes on. Perfect order in the universe occurred only in the instant after creation, when energy and matter and all of the forces of the Universe were unified.

In other words, “things fall apart.” This side of Heaven, nothing will ever be perfect, we have to use them up the way they are, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, or everybody’s favorite “---- happens.”

III. The third law of thermodynamics states that if all the kinetic energy in the universe could be stopped, a state called “absolute zero” would occur. Absolute zero results in a temperature of 0 Kelvin or -273.15° Celsius.

That’s -523.4 Fahrenheit. Brrrr. Well, the Red Sox finally won the World Series, that hasn’t happened since 1918. At least if we are going to Hell in a hand basket, it’s probably froze over.

There you have it. Being too legalistic gets you no where. Speaking as someone from your past, I hope that whichever President you picked doesn’t turn into one of those real law-and-order types.

Just remember, when gravity becomes the law, only outlaws will levitate.