That time of year again

So I’m looking through half a dozen isles in Wal-Mart trying to find the right Valentines for my daughter to distribute at school and probably at the baby-sitter and no doubt at dance and gymnastics class too, when it dawns on me what a sucker I’ve become. I am a victim of the Candy-and-Greeting Cards-industrial complex.

Over the last fourteen years of marriage my beloved wife has come to accept and to some extent even accept our religious differences. Oh, we’re both Christians, but she understands that I refuse to observe this decadent, saccharine, pink and red excuse for sappiness and sentimentality that in spite of how unreligious and commercially exploitative it is, people cal Saint Valentine’s Day.

She loves me and knows that I love her, but now, finally, since I have a child in school, I have stooped to caving in to peer pressure. Rather than dig in my heels and try to teach my children that we should not be afraid to be different and that sometimes we may have to buck the dominant culture, I buckled under and purchased not one, but two bags of Sponge-Bob Valentines. I wonder if this is how Atheists and Jews feel at Christmas time.

Not that she needs them. Just this morning I caught her writing to a young boy in her class that she likes him on one of my Post-It notes that she snagged from my Day-Runner.

In the interest of promoting tolerance for my fellow non-Valentine’s-celebrators and as a public service for those of you who may be alone, lonely, burned, bummed or merely irritated by all of this cute, cuddly, and confectionery revelry- I’d like to remind my readers of the alternative holiday on February 14th, Arizona Statehood Day.

Oh, I know, you’re not all Arizona natives like I am, but may I remind you that perhaps the most famous Arizonan, Marshall Wyatt Earp of “Shoot out at the O.K. Corrall” fame was in fact an Iowa native. And after all, if you simply play a game of six degrees of separation, I’m sure that each of you can think of at least one close relative or dear friend that you know of who is now in, or at least spends some time in the Grand Canyon State. Many is the Ioweagian, who makes a perennial sojourn to the Southwest during this very time of year.

“Ted, how can we recognize this the 93rd anniversary of our 48th state? What kinds of things can we do to celebrate Arizona Statehood Day in our homes and with our families?” I hear you asking. I am so glad you asked, because I would like to suggest just a few:

Read a novel about Arizona by best selling author Tony Hillerman about Navajo Indian Reservation police detective Chee, or by J.A. Jance, about Cochise County Sheriff Joanna Brady. Or, if you prefer a rootin’ tootin’ western to a murder mystery, there’s always Arizona’s own Zane Grey, second only to Louis L’more in the genre.

Prefer non-fiction? How about a biography on one of two of the greatest politicians in American History, Barry Goldwater or John McCain? I know kids who think they’re Republicans but have never even heard of old “Mr. Conservative” Goldwater. Alas, I weep for my country.

Rent a movie. There have been plenty of fine films just about Old Wyatt Earp and how he enforced frontier justice with his brothers and the legendary Doc Holiday down in Tombstone. I enjoyed Kurt Russell’s portrayal more than Kevin Costner’s myself, but Coster’s version has a terrific performance by Val Kilmer as Doc. Of course, you may prefer to get your hands on a black and white “My Clemontine” starring Henry Fonda, and who could blame you.
Of course, almost every movie that either Clint Eastwood or John Wayne made were filmed in Arizona, even if they were supposed to take place in Texas or Mexico. Two dead giveaways; Monument Valley in the background, or Saguaro Cati. (Cati is plural for Cactus for you greengos, and Saguaros only grow in one place in the world, kind of like Loess soil is only here and China.)

You could listen to some Arizona music. Waylon Jennings earned his wings there, Glenn Campell still lives and golfs there, and of course there’s always George Straight’s classic “Ocean Front Property in Arizona.” But, if Country is not your thing, “The Tubes” and “Mister Mister” are great 80’s bands that both hail from the Valley of the Sun. And if you’re looking for something from the 60’s or 70’s, Stevie Nix and Alice Cooper both call the “Arid-Zone” home.

I’m lobbying hard to get FTD to deliver bouquets of ocotillo, perhaps with tumbleweed accents. Who wouldn’t love to receive a scorpion or rattle snake paperweight on February 14th? And if they can charge and arm and a leg for a Vermont Teddybear on Valentine’s, why not go online to order a Sonoran Kachina doll? If a pajama-gram, why not a Navajo rug or a pair of Apache Moccasins?

If none of this is within your means, at least you can wear a bolo tie (the official state neckwear of Arizona, the only state to have an official state neckwear) and enjoy some nachos with a margarita or a cold Mexican cervesa (that’s Español for beer).