Mapleton readers may not have been aware that since this column has appeared in the now absorbed Schleswig and Charter Oak-Ute papers I have been privileged to be able to obtain an exclusive annual interview with a seasonal celebrity. This year I received a phone call from the North Pole during my free period at school the last week in November. Here now is a transcript of that conversation:
TM: Feliz Navidad, Kris
SC: Mele Kalikimaka, Ted
TM: Kris, I’m excited about this year’s interview because it will be published on your birthday, December 6!
SC: Ho Ho, well, I’ll be busy leaving little presents in children's shoes as "Sinterklaas" in Belgium and the Netherlands on that day. But I will have visited Charter Oak a couple of days before that.
TM: Yes, and I’d like to take the opportunity to thank all of the businesses and volunteers who make that night possible. I know my kids always love it. Our two year old has been telling me for weeks that she’s not afraid of you anymore, but I guess we’ll see that night if she musters the courage to actually sit on your lap.
SC: Bells will be ringin', children singin' All will be merry and bright!
TM: Let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we? You’re a resident, is it true that global warming is melting the polar ice cap?
SC: We’re certainly doing out part as far as Claus Conglomerated goes. We’ve switched over almost entirely to solar and wind energy instead of wood burning, but I’ve got to tell you, many of the elves do miss the ambiance, but they’ll get over it. I never have been one to ever use fossil fuels, frankly. We are currently looking into some polar bear relocation programs, but we’ve always been about gift distribution, not animal rehabilitation. However, it’s principally a matter of logistics, and after all, we already take care of herds of reindeer, so it isn’t too much of a stretch.
TM: What about all that coal?
SC: First of all, I’ve never burned it, I only put it in “naughty” stockings, and candidly, I’ve been pretty lenient the last couple of decades on that score. Be that as it may, some of the elves have been working on alternatives, including rocks, spit-wads, and of course marshmallow “snowman poop,” ho ho!
TM: What’s the best way to make sure you stay off the naughty list?
SC: Ho Ho, just hang your stockings and say your prayers! Then, when you hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle, Oh what a beautiful sight- just jump in bed and cover your head, ‘cause that means I’m on my way that night!
TM: How do you feel about all the talk about a “war on Christmas?”
SC: Look, who’s kidding who, and who’s declaring war on whom? Christmas is a phenomenon that is too huge to be damaged somehow by political or cultural tensions. Christmas transcends contention. Personally, I suspect that anyone who thinks there’s a war on Christmas is just trying to get attention for themselves by stirring up anxiety.
TM: What about those who say that it should be reserved as a sacred, religious observance?
SC: Listen, people were celebrating the solstice and plenty of pagan pageantry long before Jesus’ birthday, and Hanukkah took place almost 200 years before that Silent Night too. So what if you have people wanting to add Kwanza or Ramadan too? I know Jesus, and I know that He certainly doesn’t need anyone to defend Him or fight for him. First of all, He’s got that omnipotent thing going for him, secondly, He’s very humble. He always puts others before Himself. The reason He deserves all the glory is that He’s not a glory-hound. Read Philippians chapter 2 if you don’t believe me.
TM: What do you say to people who think that you seem to compete with the Christ child? Even eclipse Him?
SC: Hey, I’m so devout; I even fasted twice a week when I was a nursing baby! I’ve never asked anyone to worship me and I’m not even looking for veneration for myself. I was a young priest during the persecution of Christians under the Roman Emperors Diocletian and Maximian. As Bishop, oversaw the demolition of several pagan temples including the temple of Artemis. Her birthday was supposed to be on December 6, that’s why they made that day a Christian feast day in my honor. I was at the Council of Nicaea. Maybe you’ve heard of the Nicene Creed? I lived four years outside of Bethlehem on a pilgrimage. Somebody think I’m not religious enough? Bring it on.
If people want to get in a huff about Christmas not being about Jesus’ birth anymore, they need to take a look at their MasterCard and Visa bills. Don’t blame me. I’m about interceding on behalf of children, sailors, and the wrongly accused- not crass consumerism.
No, I never died for anybody’s sins, but I spent my whole life and most of the afterlife working for the one who did. So quit trying to use me as some kind of “wedge issue.”
TM: There you have it folks, he doesn't care if you're rich or poor he loves you just the same. Santa Claus knows we're all God’s children and that makes everything right.
SC: Ho Ho, So fill your hearts with Christmas cheer. Peace on earth will come to all if we just follow the light so lets give thanks to the Lord above, and I’ll see you on Christmas night!
Many of Santa's quotes are from Gene Autry, Oakley Haldeman's 1947 song,"Here comes Santa Claus."
'Ted's Column' has appeared weekly in the Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper since 2002. You can see all of Ted's cartoons at http://tmal.multiply.com
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