Mike Royko's Column; Chicago Sun-Times, May 5, 1981
To: God
Address: Somewhere in the Universe
Dear God:
I know how busy you must be with a whole universe to worry about.
That's why it occurred to me that you don't have time to read our papers and your TV reception might not be good. So I thought I'd drop you a note about how things are going here.
Well, things couldn't be going any better, at least as far as your
imagination is concerned. You wouldn't believe how well loved you are on this
planet today, and how much is being done in your name.
I hardly know where to start, there's so much going on. So I might as well
start in Northern Ireland where you've always been very big. Ah, what
religious fervor can be found there.
The Irish Protestants are so devoted to you that they do everything possible
to make life miserable for the Irish Catholics, because they don't think the
Irish Catholics have the right approach toward worshipping you.
And the Irish Catholics do what they can to make life miserable for the Irish
Protestants for essentially the same reasons.
In their great love for you, they shoot at one another, bomb one another, set
one another afire, kill little children, bystanders, cops, soldiers, old
ladies, and some are now committing suicide by starvation.
Then each side buries its dead, goes to church, and gives fervent thanks to
you for being on its side. It is very touching.
And one thing about these people: Their devotion to you is unshakable.
They've been doing this for about 400 years. So it's a good thing that you
have an entire universe at your disposal, because I don't know where else you
could find room to accommodate the souls of all the people who have died
there in your name.
You're also highly regarded in a country called Lebanon, where just about
everyone believes in you, although they don't agree on what you should be
called.
In that country, there are Moslems and Christians, and they've created
different sets of rules for worshipping you. Naturally, they say you have
sent the rules down to them. I don't know if that's true or not, but if I may
make a suggestion: if it's true that you gave them the word, it would really
simplify things if there were only one set of rules. It would cause less hard
feelings.
But such details aside, they are expressing their devotion to you by killing
each other by the hundreds. I guess they figure that if one side can wipe the
other side out, it will prove that their way of worshipping you is correct,
and you'll be pleased with them.
So every day, they lob shells at one another and blow up the usual men,
women, children, bystanders, old ladies, and stray dogs. And every day, they
take a few moments out to thank you for your support and to promise that
they'll continue their efforts in your behalf.
Now, not far from there are countries called Iraq and Iran. The Moslems in
those countries basically agree on what to call you, but they disagree on
some details concerning how best to worship you. So they're killing one
another, too.
It's more than a little confusing, though, because in Iran there are people
who call themselves Baha'i, and they, too, have their own way of showing
their respect for you. Unfortunately for the Baha'i, their way doesn't
include killing others who don't share their point of view. So that makes
them patsies, and the Moslems in Iran, in their love for you, have been
kicking the Baha'i around pretty good.
Just a short missile ride away, there's a lot of religious action going on
between a country called Israel and just about everyone else in that
neighborhood.
The people in Israel also have their own set of rules for worshipping you,
which they say you passed on to them. And they claim that you look more
favorably upon them than anyone else. This has always caused a lot of hard
feelings because a lot of other groups figure that they're your favorites.
(It must be hard being a father figure.) Israel's claim that they're Number
One has also made some people wonder this: If the Jews, after all they've
been through over the centuries, are really your chosen people, what do you
do to somebody you don't like?
Anyway the Jews and their Moslem neighbors--both of whom claim your complete
support--have been going at it for about 30 years. But I don't think they'll
ever equal Ireland's record because they'll all eventually have nuclear
bombs. Boy, when they start throwing those around, will you have a crowd
showing up.
Oh, and I can't forget to mention this final item. Somebody just shot the
pope. As you know, he's the leader of one of your largest group of followers
here. A very peaceful, non-violent man, by the way, although his followers
have been known to shed a few million gallons of blood when their tempers are
up.
Anyway, the man who shot him apparently did it because of his devotion to
you. It's not completely clear, but this fellow seems to think the pope was
in some way responsible for somebody invading the sacred holy mosque of his
religion in a place called Mecca. That, of course, was an insult to you, so
he got even in your behalf by shooting the pope.
Well, I know you're busy, so that's all for now.
P.S. I never believed any of those stories going around a few years ago that
``God is dead.'' How could you be? We don't have one weapon that can shoot
that far.
Copyright Chicago Tribune (c) 1997
