The last time I was in Omaha I had to run some errands at a discount store with a big red target painted on the side. I had my daughter Grace with me and it was getting late, so I called my wife to let her know we'd just grab a bite there before making the hour and a half trek home.
I asked Grace where she'd like to eat and to my relief she was excited to try someplace new and someplace Mexican. A big yellow "Taco Bueno" was right there in the big discount store's parking lot. This sounded good to me. I think she liked it because the name sounds just like "Bueno Nacho," the fictional taco joint on the popular Disney Cartoon "Kim Possible," which Grace and I both enjoy watching every now and then.
It wasn't half bad. Huge portions, made while you wait as opposed to waiting there under a heat lamp for when you order. They even had tamales which you usually have to go to a big fancy Mexican restaurant or a very authentic hole-in-the-wall taco joint, not a nice clean suburban fast food drive thru.
It got me thinking about all the other suburban and/or shopping mall taco places I've enjoyed or endured over the years.
For me it all started with a Taco Bell, back when all Taco Bells were designed to look like old Spanish Missions. In junior high they had a really messy thing that all us eighth graders who were allowed off campus for lunch on Fridays loved, and "enchorritto." It was kind of a cross between a burrito and an enchilada, complete with black olives, sour cream and extra grease.
Not something I could fathom looking at in it's little aluminum pan anymore, let alone scarfing down.
Then in high school Taco Bell introduced an American culinary phenomenon; the SOFT taco. It was easier to eat than a real taco; you could even eat it while you and your pals cruised up and down Central Avenue all night long. Other fast food placed closed earlier than Taco Bell, so you could keep cruising all night, and you could get like three or four soft tacos for less than two bucks back then.
A lot of people think I have some form of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCB) because I'll only get certain soft drinks at certain fast food places. From Taco Bell I can only order Diet Pepsi. At McDonalds the only thing I can drink is Diet Coke. At Burger King it's Dr. Pepper. I don't know why, I've tried to deviate once in a while and try Sprite or Root Beer, but I just couldn't do it. McDonalds has pretty decent coffee, but I can only order that alone or with breakfast, never with lunch or dinner.
Which brings me to another compulsion. There is no salad at McDonalds, no chicken sandwich. Why in the name of all that is American would anyone order anything but a Big Mac at McDonalds? It's the only thing there that goes with their fries and a Diet Coke. Heck, it's the only thing that they're about.
Why on Earth would Lincoln or Cadillac make a stupid looking pickup or an SUV? Trucks are Ford, Chevy or Dodge- and McDonalds has no business making fancy schmancy "wraps" with alfalfa sprouts and soy things. McDonalds makes Big Macs.
Why bother going to Burger King if you're not there to get a Whopper? What's the point? If I want something "western" I'll go to Carls' Jr. If I want cheesecake, I'll go to some cheesecake place, but Burger King became king, because it's the home of the Whopper.
But I digress; I was talking about taco places.
When I went to college in Nebraska, kids went to study at a place called "Amigos." It sounded friendly, so I gave it a chance. The nachos weren't much better than you could get at a high school football game, but they added hamburger. They were known for their taco salad. This was ironic, because people eat salads to be healthy, but it was served in a deep fat fried flour tortilla shell and topped with hamburger and canned cheese sauce. Probably way worse for you than a Whopper.
Of course the only way to have an Amigo's taco salad is with Dorothy Lynch salad dressing, which of course is indigenous to Nebraska and Iowa and couldn't be less Mexican.
Then, when I met my wife, she introduced me to "Taco John's." As an Arizona native, I immediately made fun of this place. They're famous for their "potato olays," basically tator tots with a side of canned cheese sauce. But come to find out they were founded in Wyoming. That's pretty far from Mexico, but at least it's further west. We loved their churros- big long sticks made from funnel cake and covered in cinnamon and sugar. Come to find out when we moved to Los Angeles, that this was an actual authentic Mexican treat.
Some of the best soft tacos ever made come from a California chain called "Del Taco." I had an Uncle Del, and that place always reminded me of him.
My favorite fast food chain in California was a place called "El Pollo Loco," (the Crazy Chicken.) They skinned their chickens and flame broiled them in front of you while you waited. No fries, nothing fried (well, I guess maybe the tortilla chips) but they had all fresh lettuce and tomatoes and salsa and served it all with soft tortillas and rice. Yummy and yet healthy.
But it took me a while to warm up to El Pollo Loco, because they had sued an Arizona chain over copyright infringement. It was called "El Pollo Flojo," which means the loose chicken. They were forced to change their name to "El Pollo Asado," (the roasted chicken) I used to think I was pretty funny in Spanish class in high school when I'd call people "Mariposa Asado" (roasted butterflies.) Fortunately someone explained to me that this phrase could also mean "flaming homosexual" before I got beaten up.
Fortunately or unfortunately for me, there are only two Taco Buenos and they're both an hour and a half away in Omaha, otherwise I'd be having tamales several times a week. Since I can't, maybe I'll finally start losing some weight.
Don't get me started on Runzas in Nebraska or White Castles back in Michigan, or out in LA, the In-N-Out Burgers or best yet, "Fatburger." Mmmmmm
