Worrying about the future is a thing of the past

This has been tense election year, there’s a volatile atmosphere. America is involved in a long war, over which opinion is sharply divided. Hawks are critical of how it’s been handled, Doves are skeptical that it should have ever been fought at all. We are experiencing unrest and cynicism. There is racial tension. Our nation is in turmoil, and people cry out for hope and change. One man answered the call.

The year was 1968. The man is Pat Paulsen. On this day, April 24 1997, Paulson died of complications from colon and brain cancer and pneumonia in Tijuana, Mexico. But never one to let life keep him down, Paulsen is running for President again this year.

Much has been said in this campaign about experience (especially by Hillary Clinton and John McCain). Pat Paulson is the one candidate with even more experience running for President than Ralph Nader, having run for President in 1968, 1972, 1980, 1988, 1992, and 1996, and now again in 2008. Of course, he lost each of the six previous campaigns, but lets face it, we learn more from our failures than from our successes.

Last week, the publisher of this publication published a column in which he discussed how the other candidates were distant relatives and/or descendants of famous politicians and celebrities. Well Paulson knew several celebrities too, mostly because he was a frequent (weekly) guest of the now defunct ‘Smothers Brothers’ variety show on CBS (he once was asked to interview Daffy Duck for the show).

But as it turns out, he the North Cove, WA Genealogy Society (NCWGS) revealed recently that Pat Paulsen is a direct descendant of Leif Ericson, who you all know discovered America nearly 500 years before Christopher Columbus laid his claim. They also found that Pat is related to Chief Sitting Bull.

These ancestral connections may have influenced Paulsen’s position on illegal immigration; “All the problems we face in the United States today,” said Paulsen, “can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

The NCWGS also uncovered that the Rev. Jesse Jackson is Paulsen’s 5th cousin, twice removed. Turns out that the family changed the spelling of their name from Jacksen to Jackson three generations ago. Most excitingly, Pat and Elvis were 3rd cousins.

Paulsen managed to garner more votes than Democratic candidate Kucinich in several precincts of Michigan’s January 15th primary. Unfortunately, he still came in third behind Hillary Clinton and “Undecided.”

“I’m not sure whether it was nostalgia or just a malaise with the useless primary,” said Lincoln Park, Michigan Mayor Frankie Vaslo, “but the Paulsen campaign ran a hard race in Lincoln Park precincts. His strong showing, I am sure, convinced Chris Dodd and Mike Gravel to gracefully exit the race.”

Like Ralph Nader, Paulsen has a way of evoking the ire and resentment of his opponents. Hubert Humphrey angrily accused of causing his loss in the 1968 election. In the same year (before his own untimely death) Bobby Kennedy called Paulsen “ruthless.”

Paulsen decided to run again after watching how divisively polarized the electorate had become. “Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country,” explained Paulsen “ it would probably fly around in circles.” Paulsen says he considers himself “middle-of-the-bird.”

Paulson doesn’t understand all the fuss about the middle class. “What middle class? There’s only seven people left in the middle class - who cares about them?” Paulson is less concerned about poverty than the other two Democrats, “This is the richest nation in the world, and we'd be richer if it weren't for the poor people. There are people without clothes and shoes and socks and ties and handkerchiefs and hats and underwear...some of these are nudists...but, most of them are poor people.”

When asked about same sex marriages, Paulsen was resolute,“I’m for them. They will cut down on overcrowding in the schools.”

When asked if he believed that the 2nd Amendment garunteed the Right to bear arms: "No, I believe in the right to arm bears."

A recent study has revealed incredible coincidences linking Pat Paulsen to Abraham Lincoln...
* The names Paulsen and Lincoln both contain 7 letters.
* Lincoln was killed in Ford's Theatre. Paulsen once owned a Ford (Maverick).
* Lincoln was slain in the presence of his wife. Paulsen's wife nearly killed him one night (in their Lincoln).
* John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln at the theatre and hid in a warehouse. Paulsen once lived in a warehouse.
COINCIDENCE? YOU DECIDE.