I believe I have the solution to three major issues that have been plaguing us; the price of gas, the high cost medicine for old people, and of course illegal immigration.
My answer to America’s major problems is nothing new, in fact it is over 160 years old. The answer, my friends, is Manifest Destiny.
Manifest Destiny means that it is once again coming clear that the United States is destined to occupy the entire continent of North America. Seriously, there’s always only been room for one country here, why tolerate three?
Some people argue that we need some kind of a route to citizenship for undocumented migrant workers from Mexico, others staunchly support deporting all illegal immigrants and strengthening the security on our borders to keep people out.
Manifest Destiny eliminates the disagreement between these groups. They wouldn’t have to sneak into our country in search of a better way of life, because they’d already be here right where they are down there.
What’s better is that Mexico is the world’s fifth largest producer of oil, therefore, WE will become BOTH the third AND the fifth largest producer of oil. That would make us like the…. Second-ish largest producer. Currently Russia is number two (Saudi Arabia is number one and that darned IRAN is number four). So my point is that if we would just annex Mexico, the price of gas would drop to like 7 pesos per litre, and since there are like 11 pesos per 1 dollar, that would be a lot less than $4 per litre. Of course, we would force them to use the English system instead of that darned Euro-socialistic metric system, so that would be like only 7 pesos per gallon or something like that.
I know what you’re thinking, “will they speak Spanish or English.” Let me let you in on a dirty little secret that the government doesn’t want you to know. When Alexander the Great conquered places all over the Mediterranean, he spread the Greek language, philosophy and culture. They called this Hellenism, after some Hellen of Troy, some beauty queen in some Greek tragedy that was very popular. The best way to spread the English language and American culture is through TV and video games.
AS everyone knows, Mexicans love TV, especially soap operas and game shows. All we have to do is to not allow any TV programs to be broadcast in Spanish. Within a few years, no problema, nosotros hablamos Engeles.
That’s why we speak English in America after all. There’s a successful TV sitcom or game show in England, like Simon Cowell’s “Brittains Got Tallent” and they export it to us and we call it “American Idol.”
Way back before Columbus (an Italian working for Spain) discovered America (named after another Italian guy, Amerigo Vespucci, by some German guy who turned the “g” into a “c”), the ancient Aztecs (Mexicans) used to have an empire. Only, unlike the Greeks and Romans, they never bothered sharing their culture, or expanding their territory. Here’s why; that way they could keep their own people afraid of their neighboring tribes and blame all their problems on the outsiders. This way they could also have plenty of people that they could use as slaves, to lower their overhead on labor costs, thereby maintaining their profit margins. After all, native Aztecs were always petitioning for a higher minimum wage and for pensions and dental care. And best of all, so long as they kept their empire small and didn’t spread their culture to the other tribes, they could always harvest their neighbors for ritual sacrifice to Quetzalquatal, their angry, neighbor eating dragon god.
But America isn’t like that. We don’t believe in taking advantage of less fortunate people as a permanent underclass of cheap workers or labeling people as somehow subhuman and racially inferior so that they can be used as political scapegoats, preventing us from discovering the true causes of our problems. That’s why we should just take over Mexico and make them all American citizens.
What about out friendly, white, hockey playing friends to the north? Sure, Manifest Destiny means that we annex Canada too, eh. They have pretty decent beer and way cheaper medicine for senior citizens.
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