James K Polk had it right

I believe I have the solution to three major issues that have been plaguing us; the price of gas, the high cost medicine for old people, and of course illegal immigration.

My answer to America’s major problems is nothing new, in fact it is over 160 years old. The answer, my friends, is Manifest Destiny.

Manifest Destiny means that it is once again coming clear that the United States is destined to occupy the entire continent of North America. Seriously, there’s always only been room for one country here, why tolerate three?

Some people argue that we need some kind of a route to citizenship for undocumented migrant workers from Mexico, others staunchly support deporting all illegal immigrants and strengthening the security on our borders to keep people out.

Manifest Destiny eliminates the disagreement between these groups. They wouldn’t have to sneak into our country in search of a better way of life, because they’d already be here right where they are down there.

What’s better is that Mexico is the world’s fifth largest producer of oil, therefore, WE will become BOTH the third AND the fifth largest producer of oil. That would make us like the…. Second-ish largest producer. Currently Russia is number two (Saudi Arabia is number one and that darned IRAN is number four). So my point is that if we would just annex Mexico, the price of gas would drop to like 7 pesos per litre, and since there are like 11 pesos per 1 dollar, that would be a lot less than $4 per litre. Of course, we would force them to use the English system instead of that darned Euro-socialistic metric system, so that would be like only 7 pesos per gallon or something like that.

I know what you’re thinking, “will they speak Spanish or English.” Let me let you in on a dirty little secret that the government doesn’t want you to know. When Alexander the Great conquered places all over the Mediterranean, he spread the Greek language, philosophy and culture. They called this Hellenism, after some Hellen of Troy, some beauty queen in some Greek tragedy that was very popular. The best way to spread the English language and American culture is through TV and video games.

AS everyone knows, Mexicans love TV, especially soap operas and game shows. All we have to do is to not allow any TV programs to be broadcast in Spanish. Within a few years, no problema, nosotros hablamos Engeles.

That’s why we speak English in America after all. There’s a successful TV sitcom or game show in England, like Simon Cowell’s “Brittains Got Tallent” and they export it to us and we call it “American Idol.”

Way back before Columbus (an Italian working for Spain) discovered America (named after another Italian guy, Amerigo Vespucci, by some German guy who turned the “g” into a “c”), the ancient Aztecs (Mexicans) used to have an empire. Only, unlike the Greeks and Romans, they never bothered sharing their culture, or expanding their territory. Here’s why; that way they could keep their own people afraid of their neighboring tribes and blame all their problems on the outsiders. This way they could also have plenty of people that they could use as slaves, to lower their overhead on labor costs, thereby maintaining their profit margins. After all, native Aztecs were always petitioning for a higher minimum wage and for pensions and dental care. And best of all, so long as they kept their empire small and didn’t spread their culture to the other tribes, they could always harvest their neighbors for ritual sacrifice to Quetzalquatal, their angry, neighbor eating dragon god.

But America isn’t like that. We don’t believe in taking advantage of less fortunate people as a permanent underclass of cheap workers or labeling people as somehow subhuman and racially inferior so that they can be used as political scapegoats, preventing us from discovering the true causes of our problems. That’s why we should just take over Mexico and make them all American citizens.

What about out friendly, white, hockey playing friends to the north? Sure, Manifest Destiny means that we annex Canada too, eh. They have pretty decent beer and way cheaper medicine for senior citizens.

Immigration Reform; Blame Canada

Much has been said lately about the new legislation in Congress proposed to reform the immigration progress. I say it’s high time. Too many of these darn Canadians have been coming down here, crossing our borders illegally and stealing all the American jobs. Heck, it’s getting so anymore, you can’t go to a restaurant without havin’ to see a bunch of Canadians bussing tables.

They’re tryin’ to tell us that there are millions of Canadians here in the United States and it would be impossible to deport them all so now we oughta just come out and give them amnesty or something. I for one don’t feel any animosity toward any Canadians. Some of my best friends are Canadians. Well, okay, I don’t really have any Canadian friends, but just because someone doesn’t have any Canadian friends doesn’t mean that you’re racist.

But just because someone’s not racist against Canadians doesn’t mean that the Federal government has no right to come in here an try to make us have to integrate with all these Northerners. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them, but that doesn’t mean I should have to live around them. It’s like they’re from a whole ‘nuther continent or something. And besides, their flag is a red maple leaf. Wasn’t the old Soviet Union’s flag red? What are they Communist or something? Don’t they have socialized medicine there?

If it’s such nice place then why are there so many of them down here in our country? I hear that they’re digging these tunnels under the Canada-North Dakota border to smuggle in prescription drugs. So there you are. Canada wants to undermine our American way of life with their inexpensive health care systems.

In this post-9/11 era we need to be more conscious of our national homeland security matters, so that’s why I suggest that we start building a fence along our border with Canada. As it stands, pretty much anybody in Canada can pretty much just waltz right into America and threaten our cherished values and American way of life. And maybe we should start calling for volunteers in places like Montana to form Minutemen Militias to voluntarily patrol the border to catch the “frost-backs” when they try to sneak into our country because after all I’m sure that there’s no way that the INS can get it all done.

I hear that some do-gooders have taken to leaving thermoses of hot chocolate or coffee and blankets out in the tundra for the poor immigrant families from Canada, like that’s some kind of humanitarian thing or something. I say if they’re dumb enough to venture out onto the prairie trying to break into our country then they deserve what they get. Illegal immigrants are criminals, helping them survive the journey is just aiding and abetting CRIMINALS. Don’t they get it? ILLEGAL, they’re breaking the law. It’s against the law to break into somebody else’s country, so why should these people help them survive the crossing? They’re accomplices and traitors and should be deported too.

I also think that if these Canadians do come to our country they should have to learn to speak American. None of this “owoot and abowoot” business. They should have to talk American like everybody else. Did you know that some of them don’t even speak ENGLISH? That’s right. Apparently there are this whole ‘nuther kind of Canadian called French-Canadians. Does anybody else think that it’s kid of fishy that the French opposed our invading Iraq after 9/11 and now all these Canadians think that they can come here and force their cheap prescription drugs on us and win everything at the winter Olympics?

Not that it’s all their fault. I mean, who can blame them. We have the best of everything here in America, we have a Congress and a President and they’re stuck with a “Parliament” and all these “Ministers.” Who are they trying to fool? Like they’re all British and hoity toity or something or like calling a politician a “Minister” makes them more Christian or something. So I think that we should carefully use the Patriot Act to review the phone calls of any Canadian who wants to come into our country LEGALLY and offer them political asylum so that they don’t have to live in such a Communist country.

And plus, some Americans bare some responsibility too. I was at this restaurant once and when I paid my bill and they went to give me change, some of the coins were Canadian. I hear from my relatives in Michigan that this kind of thing happens all the time to them up in the Great Lakes. This says to me that maybe some American companies seem to think that it’s okay to hire these illegal Canadians because then maybe they won’t have to pay them as much as American workers since the Canadian dollar (shouldn’t that be “POUND”) isn’t worth as much as the American dollar. So I think that we need to send the INS or the Department of Homeland Security in there to all the Wal-Marts and restaurants and places that keep hiring these Canadians and charge them penalties for helping the Canadians come into this country.

I’m sure if you search your hearts you’ll know that I’m right and agree. It’s time that we do something about this. Canada has been a cancer growing on the back of North America for too long. We should clear it all off and let the oil companies explore for new sources of energy up there and keep America strong.

¡Celebre el eith de la victoria de Zaragoza yo!

Happy Cinco de Mayo. Do you know what Cinco de Mayo is all about? Many gringos assume that it’s “their Fourth of July.” Actually, Mexican Independence Day is September 16, 1810, that’s the day when a lowly priest rang his church bell calling for Mexicans to fight for their liberty from Spain. Their war for Independence lasted 10 years.

In 1861, Benito Juarez became president of Mexico. He inherited a financial mess. Mexico defaulted on their debts to European countries. France sent naval forces to demand payment. France’s Napoleon III, thought he’d take the opportunity to carve an empire out of Mexican.

During the French-Mexican War, a poorly supplied and outnumbered Mexican army defeated a French army attempting to capture a small town, or “puebla” in east-central Mexico. Winning the “Battle of Puebla” was a great moral victory for the Mexican government, proving their country's ability to defend its sovereignty against a major world power.

6,000 French troops attacked 2,000 rag-tag rebels. 500 French soldiers were killed, but Texas-born Mexican General Zaragoza lost only 100 men. On the fifth of May, 1862, the French retreated, although it was another six years until the French withdrew completely.

Pretty cool, huh? Reminds you of our own American Revolution. Except, France was our ally, but that was pre-Napoleon. And of course we attacked Mexico in the 1840’s and took half their country (California, Arizona, Colorado, etc.) I’m sure that war added to their debt and cut into their gross national product a little too.

Much has been said about “all the Mexicans” in Denison in the last 5-10 years. As a high school teacher, I certainly overhear a fair share of disparaging and ignorant, sometimes even racist remarks that kids make about the changing demographics of our area.

When I was growing up in Phoenix, I just assumed that anyone who wasn’t African-American was “White.” My best friend when I was five was a kid named Juaquin. Everybody thought he was Mexican, but actually his dad was a Maracopia Indian and his mom was Italian.

Bob Lopez, our barber used to get frustrated with the Mexican nationals who’d come north for work, but wouldn’t speak English. He said they knew how to speak it, they were just embarrassed by their accents. Sounds like stories I’ve heard around here from the old timers about speaking German before WWII.

One thing I learned teaching in Los Angeles, is that, like with my childhood friend Juaquin, you can’t assume you know someone’s ethnicity. Guatamalan and Cuban kids would actually make fun of Mexican kids because they spoke so slowly. I guess it’sort of like the difference between a Chicago accent and an Alabama one. El Salvadorans could be very offended if you thought they were Mexican.

Most of all, when you’re talking about the western half of the U.S. there’s a real question of did you cross the border, or did the border cross you? Some peoples families were here before here was “here.”

There’s no such thing as “Hispanic.” Seriously, it’s not a race or a nationality- the term was actually made up in the 1970s by the Census Bureau as an all-inclusive label to define people who’s family origins are in Mexico, the Caribbean or Central and South America. But let’s face it, most people you’d think of as Hispanic are even less Spanish than I am Irish- although many of them do at least speak Spanish. I have no idea how to say anything in Gaelic.

The term “Latino” comes from the Spanish “latinoamericano.” It’s supposed to refer to people who are from former Spanish and Portuguese colonies of Latin America. But see, that doesn’t just cover South America, the Caribbean, and Mexico. It also means territory that the United States acquired from Mexico, like Texas, New Mexico, Colorado, Nevada, California and Arizona. So therefore, having been born in Arizona, I am a Latino.

I think that the best thing to call people sir or ma’am or for that matter, call them by their first name. Better yet, call them “friend.” In my experience, folks of Mexican decent are warm, friendly, generous, hard working, fair, devoutly faithful Christians who value their families above all else. But of course, these may be overgeneralizations.

While I don’t really commemorate Zaragoza’s victory, I do think that today is not just an excuse to party. Although, I enjoy Mexican beer, Mexican food, Tejano music, and margaritas as much as the next Gingo.

By the way- Gringo is derived from “griego” which means “Greek,” suggesting a stranger or foreigner- as in someone confused by Spanish, who’s apt to give up and say “it’s all Greek to me.”

Of course it may have been derived from the Spanish pronunciation of a slang word meaning "fast spender,"

But it’s more likely that it came out of the Mexican War. The Yankee soldiers sang a marching song called “Green Grow the Rushes.” The Mexicans heard it and started calling the Yankees “Gringos” because of the repeating lyrics “Green Grow.”

FYI: “¡Celebre el eith de la victoria de Zaragoza yo!” translates to “Clebrate Zaragoza’s victory with me!”

¡Feliz Dia de los Muertos, Calabaza Grande y Señior Araña!

Last year I tried, obviously in vain, to get people to focus on children, innocence, candy, and pretend at Halloween, instead of violence, evil, mischief and the occult. If you remember back that far, I wrote about Charlie Brown, Linus, and the Great Pumpkin (Calabaza Grande). Let me have another stab at it.

By the way, last year we encouraged Grace to choose a cute, maybe even feminine costume, like a princess or an angel or fairy or something like that, but what did she choose? A fireman. Excuse me, a fire-FIGHTER, not gender specific. I THINK it had to do with the fact that we went costume shopping right after Noah’s Ark Preschool took its field trip to the fire station.

Go ahead and take a look at this week’s front page- I’m plenty proud. Mind you, I’m a pretty progressive dad. I really believe Grace can be anything she wants to when she grows up, even President (although why would anyone want to?), there are already plenty of women firefighters, so I was all for it, what the heck.

Last weekend we were visiting cousins up in Sioux Falls and decided to ask Grace what she’d like to be for Halloween this year.

Spiderman.

Hmmm. How about Barbie? –No, ‘Pie der mawn- Oh, look honey, it’s Belle from Beauty and the Beast. –No, SPAWDERMAHN-

Okay, Spiderman. Forget that he’s a he. It took a really long time to convince Grace that she could be queen and being queen is just as good or better than being king (ex: Queen Elizabeth II and “king” Phillip of England), but she can never be king because she’s a girl and kings are all boys.

Spiderman shoots webs, swings between tall buildings, wears red white and blue and helps people by stopping bad guys. He’s a really smart, nice, kid next door. So great, you’ll be spider WOMAN to your Mom and I, but great. Spiders and Halloween, perfect match.

Have you tried getting your hands on a Spiderman costume lately? Not at K-Mart. ShopKo had one left, but the mask part was missing. I would say, don’t be surprised if every kid and his sister trick or treats as Spiderman, because the stores can’t seem to keep them on the shelves!

If Grace comes to your door looking for candy on Saturday morning, November first, you’ll know why. It will be because Bethany ordered her Spiderman costume on the internet, but they promised to ship it within five business days, one day late and several dollars too many.

I’m frustrated anyway because whatever she dresses up as, I have to miss it. Boyer Valley has an away game so I have to haul our cheerleading squad and mascot all the way out to Lake View. How much ya wanna bet all the cheerleaders beg me to wear stupid costumes instead of their uniforms?

Say, if I shave my beard, could I pass as Saddam Hussein?

I think Ellie is going to dress like Humpty Dumpty. Who says he wasn’t a she? She was an egg for crying out loud. Eggs don’t have gender, yet. Right?

Here’s what I think. Instead of monsters and demons and witches and chainsaw murderers, let’s adapt the Mexican take on Halloween. “Dia de los Muertos,” that is, “the Day of the Dead,” is a positive, joyful, family holiday.

The Mexican point of view is that this life is a dream and when you die, you “wake up” to reality. Therefore you don’t have to be afraid of death and life is a temporary thing that doesn’t need to be taken too seriously.

Dia de los Muertos is about family. Instead of having their family reunions in July or August, families come home to be together from October 31- November 2. November 1st, as you know is a Church holiday, All Saint’s Day- the day of the dead, when Mexicans honor and remember their ancestors and the family members and loved ones who died during the previous year. Mexicans have picnics in the cemetery and decorate grave sites with flowers, colorful cut-paper banners and paper maché skeleton dolls.

November first is actually considered “Dia de los Angelitos,” day of the little children who died. Kids munch on sugar skulls with their names written on them in chocolate icing. The Devil isn’t considered a powerful arch rival to God, he is a scheming fool who doesn’t have any power over you unless you offer it to him. Sort of like Wile E. Coyote.

There’s even a special supper where whoever bites into a plastic toy skeleton baked into their sugar bread, has good luck for the next year!

Festive colors, family, faith, candy, feeling safe, feeling like you belong…that sounds wonderful. I’ll take those things over weird pagan ceremonies, zombies, vampires, blood and gore, murder and mayhem any day.

I used to like Batman when I was a kid. Dark, scary, brooding multimillionaire. But now I like Spiderman. Young, upbeat, and a freelance photographer. Keep slingin’ those wild webs Spidey (AKA: “Araña”),

¡Buenos nochés niñios y niñias!

Happy Birthday Lady Liberty

On this day June 19, back in 1885, the dismantled Statue of Liberty arrived in the New World, enclosed in more than 200 crates.

In 1865 a group of Frenchmen were discussing their dictator-like emperor, Napoleon III and America's successful democratic government and abolishing slavery at the end of the Civil War. The dinner was hosted by Edouard Rene de Laboulaye, an abolitionist and a leader of the "liberals," a political group dedicated to establishing a French republican government modeled on America's constitution. The dinner guests talked about the close relationship and love of liberty France and The United States shared. Laboulaye called France and America "the two sisters."

The "liberals" decided to build a monument to American freedom. A successful 31-year-old sculptor, Frédéric-Auguste Bartholdi, was at the dinner. He imagined a woman holding a torch burning with the light of freedom. They planned to call it "Liberty Enlightening the World," and it would commemorate the Franco-American alliance during the American Revolution.

We probably could not have won our freedom from Britain in the American Revolution without the help of France. They provided arms, ships, money, and men to American colonial rebels. The Marquis de Lafayette, a close friend of George Washington became one of the highest high-ranking officers in the American army. Washington may not have been able to defeat British General Charles Cornwallis at the battle of Yorktown if it weren't for the help of the French Navy.

Yet today, because they opposed our war on Iraq, we belittle them and rename French Fries and French Toast "Liberty Fries." What war hawk or "frog-basher" would seriously consider sending the Statue of Liberty back? I think it's been shameful how many times Americans have made jokes accusing the French of not fighting against Hitler in WWII. How ghastly that we have so little sense of history or perspective on the evil of fascism, and NAZIism that we could make light of the suffering and sacrifice of so many of the French people during such a dark time.

It took two decades to complete the 151-foot statue. In 1877, the U.S. Congress approved the use of New York's Bedloe Island. French supporters raised money to build a statue the size of a 15 story building without a pedestal. Her index finger alone is 8 feet long. July 4, 1884 it was officially offered to the United States by France, as a birthday gift. Then, it had to be taken apart, shipped across the Atlantic Ocean, and rebuilt in the U. S.

Americans raised money to pay for the pedestal it stands on. In 1885 Statue of Liberty arrived in New York City's harbor. It was 1886 when the statue was dedicated. At the time, she was the tallest structure in New York, reaching to a total height of 305 feet. It was truly "the eighth wonder of the world."

One of the original seven wonders of the world, the Colossus of Rhodes, was thought to have only stood about 105 ft tall. It was a huge bronze statue of the Greek sun god Helios, erected about 280 bc to guard the entrance to the harbor of a Greek island off the coast of what is now Turkey.

Which reminds me, I think it's important to remember the difference between symbolism and idolatry. I believe in the principles which our flag and the statue of liberty represent, but the flag and statue themselves are just things. Damage a flag and I'm just offended, damage my freedoms or speech, press, religion and political affiliation and we're all in a world of hurt. It's good to feel patriotic, it's more important to be patriotic.

There is no Helios or Appolo, and the Colossus of Rhodes was destroyed by an earthquake. Let's say terrorists had attacked the Statue of Liberty when they took out the World Trade Center. Would there still be liberty in the United States? Benjamin Franklin once said that "a nation that would sacrifice liberty for the sake of security deserves neither liberty, nor security." Since September 11, 2001, we've begun to tread a thin line between justice and vengeance. I hope we don't sacrifice our civil liberties to the gods of pride and prowece.

In 1989 Chinese demonstrators fashioned a "Goddess of Democracy" out of styrofoam just before the Tienamin Square Massacre. Democracy in China was squashed, sadly, few people even remember their "goddess."

If you can believe this, there's been talk about erecting an gigantic angel monument in Los Angeles Harbor as sort of a twin or book-end on the other side of the country. I really don't remember if it was supposed to honor Asian and Latin American immigrants or just promote tourism. No doubt it will provoke debate about separation of church and state. Will the Catholics get a Mary-Queen of the Angels statue, or will the Mormons get an angel Moroni-who allegedly gave the Book of Mormon to Joseph Smith. My fear is that the entertainment industry will get to design it and it will just look like a colossal Emmy Award statue.

On the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty was inscribed "The New Colossus," a famous sonnet by Emma Lazarus that welcomed more than 12 million immigrants to the United States with the declaration,

"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me. I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Does that lamp still provide the light of hope? How do we feel about poor, tired, homeless masses today? Are Mexican, Chinese, or Arab masses as welcomed as the Germans, Swedes and Irish?
What does she stand for anyway? What does she symbolize to you today?