Confessions of a Political Junkie

WEB EXCLUSIVE! What follows is unabridged and unedited. I'll have to cut it by almost half before I can submit it to the Mapleton PRESS.

Doc, I don’t know what to do, I went from 6 or 8 cups of regular a day to just two cups of decaf, Cut out beer, pizza and cookies. All I ever eat is salad and raw cucumbers and I’m walking everyday and I still can’t seem to get my blood pressure down.

Have you been practicing those relaxation techniques we talked about?

Yeah, even though they make me feel like some kind of New Age hippy weirdo.

Hmmm. Well, I hate to have to tell you this, but I think the only way to really get this under control is for you to bite the bullet and go cold turkey.

No, you don’t mean…

Yep, I’m afraid you’re going to have to give up politics.

But, but, there’s barely two months left and this is one of the most historically important elections in, in… well, in history!

I know, but you want to get your blood pressure down into a reasonable range so you don’t have an aneurysm one of these days. Listen, it’s time you faced the fact that you have a problem.

I don’t have a problem.

CNN, NPR, newspapers, internet… talk radio.

I, I can stop anytime I want to.

Listen, there are simple steps to recovery. Here, take a look at this pamphlet,

“Elections Anonymous”

Step 1 - Admit we were powerless over the election, we did our part, we caucused, we can vote on November 4th – but the rest of our lives had become unmanageable

Step 2 - Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

What power?

Well, it’s not my place to tell you that. For some it’s their idea of God, for some it’s whomever they receive their voting guide from, AARP, Focus on the Family. For some it’s Oprah, while others put their trust in Bill O’Rielly or Rush Limbaugh.

What? I can’t do that. I, I have to get input from a wide variety of sources and then determine for myself what seems the most reasonable to-

Tsk tsk tsk, do you want to get better or not?

Step 3 - Decide to turn our will and our lives over to the care of that higher power as we understand Him.

Sigh, okay, but do some people really listen to Limbaugh like he’s God?

Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Oh yeah, why doesn’t Sarah Palin do that? If she would maybe she’s see that no matter how noble the end is, like setting up a fundamentalist Pentecostal theocracy or starting WWIII with Russia, it still doesn’t justify the means, like lying over and over about stopping the bridge to nowhere when she actively lobbied for it and… and…

Whoa, calm down, take a deep breath, find your “happy place”

Pant, pant, but, but, isn’t lying just as much of a sin as being an illegal immigrant?

Isn’t judging others a sin? What about anger?

Sigh. You’re right, Doc. You’re right. Go on.

Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

You’re right. If this election hasn’t turned me into an “elitist,” it’s at least coming between me and other people. Otherwise why would my wife have to pinch my arm or kick me under the table so often?

Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

But, but, there’s only like 7 months left! This is like asking somebody to give up football just before the Super bowl, or NASCAR just before Daytona, or or candy at Halloween!

Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings

God, I know that even though I may be right all the time, I shouldn’t act like it. I know that everyone who thinks that they’re right and I’m wrong are just ignorant or deluded or misled or ill informed. I understand that they’re not all a bunch of fascists and that they love this country just as much as I do. Help me to not act like they’re evil, even though I know many of them worry that I’m some how under the control of the Devil and probably going to hell, help me to rise above the bitterness and division.

Sigh, I’m not sure you’re quite ready for Step 7 yet, but I suppose that’s a start. Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Even that wing-nut who forwarded the viral email full of all the lies that have already been debunked back in February, so instead of just deleting it, I lectured them on propaganda and how to use FactCheck.org and then hit “reply all” so that everyone he sent it to could read it too?

Yes, ESPECIALLY that guy.

Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Oh, if I’m supposed to avoid talking politics between now and November, I’d better not try that one. I’d rather become a monk or a hermit or something.

Well, no one said you had to fulfill all 12 steps at once. It’s an ongoing process. Step 10 - Continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

What is so wrong about wanting what’s best for your country? Is it wrong to want what’s best for your children or your family?

Step 11 – Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out

So while I’m reading the Bible, what about the guy who’s “higher power” is FOX NEWS?!

This isn’t about them. It’s not about anyone else, but you. You have to want to get better for this to work. You don’t want to have an aneurysm do you? Look, what happens if, and I’m just saying this theoretically- what if the race is so tight that we have another one like 2000, hanging chads and a problem with the electoral college that the Supreme Court has to decide. If you give up politics now, you’ll be better able to cope with any possible outcomes.

Yeah, I guess I’d hate to be too strung out on November 5^th to even be able to go to work.

You family needs you, you can do this. There are meetings, we can find someone who’s been through what you’re going through who can help.

Okay, okay, I’ll, I’ll try.

Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, try to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle.