The speech he SHOULD'VE made

My friends, my speech writers prepared a script for me which my advisors and party big wigs vetted and convention officials have posted on these handy teleprompters. But my friends, this is not a time for safe, party-approved rhetoric, this is a time for straight talk.

“You all know, I’ve been called a maverick, someone who marches to the beat of his own drum,” but let’s face it, I’ve agreed with President Bush far more than I’ve disagreed.

If I truly put country before party, I’d have asked someone like my fellow Vietnam veteran Chuck Hagel, Republican Senator from Nebraska. Chuck and I disagree on Iraq and on torture, and he’d genuinely be willing to tell me the what he thinks and stand up to our party and special interests. But I’m more interested in my own personal legacy than in actually advancing real reforms.

I really wanted to pick my friend Joe Lieberman, the Independent Senator from Connecticut. I like him, we agree on things and get along well, so I know he’d be a good working partner. But after all, he used to be a member of the Democrat party, among other things.

I thought for sure that Governor Frist of Florida or Tom Ridge of Pennsylvania. Both could garner a few more electoral votes than Nebraska, Alaska or Connecticut. But lets face it, Karl Rove, Newt Gingrich, GOPAC and Republican strategists decided to stick me with this former local TV Anchorwoman and beauty pageant runner up.

You gotta admit, it was a stroke of genius. Should Liberals attack her, we'll get to cry "sexist" and make them look like a bunch of hypocrites. Even though we’ve opposed equal rights for women and equal pay for equal work, if we win, we’ll get to lay claim to breaking that glass ceiling for women, not those pesky Democrats.

Sure, for years, Republicans have argued that women should stay home with their kids instead of pursuing a high profile career, but it’s the Democrats who’ll look sexist or even “elitist” if they question her for putting her five kids through a national campaign.

It’s a win-win. She advocated abstinence-only sex education and cut funding for programs offering shelter to homeless unwed mothers, but she and her pregnant 17 year old daughter are heroes for not having abortions.

Sure, she may have improperly pressured then-Public Safety Commissioner to fire her ex-brother-in-law, an Alaskan state trooper, who had been in the middle of a custody dispute with her sister- but that just shows that she can stand up to men and she gets things done. It doesn’t mean she won’t help me fight corruption and reform government. Maybe I’ll put her in charge of hiring and firing U.S. Attorneys, so that the Attorney General won’t have to be bothered.

Let me be straight with you my friends, if elected I probably wouldn’t be so bad. I’d probably be much less of an extremist than George Bush. My advisors are just trying to activate our party’s base of extreme right wingers so that they’ll get out the vote. Once I’m elected, I’ll probably be more like an H.W. Bush or maybe even a lovable dottering grandpa type like Reagan- everyone loves Reagan.

So you won’t even have to worry about “Caribou Barbie” unless I die or am incapacitated somehow while in office.

My friends, what we really need to worry about is insuring the old Reagan ideals of trickle-down economics, less regulation of corporations and massive tax cuts for the extremely rich. We can’t let these dreams die.

Sure, more Americans are out of work than have been at any time in the last five years, but remember, a rising tide lifts all boats. If the levy breaks, then it raised cars and houses too. I want to protect middle-class Americans like my wife Cindy and myself. If the Democrats win, people like us may have to cut back to only four or five houses instead of seven or eight!

And let’s not be confused: These are perilous times, not just for America, but for freedom itself. Freedom to own and carry your own 39mm Kalashnikov automatic assault rifle. Freedom for importers, and food and drug producers from burdensome government oversight. Freedom for hedge fund managers, banks, mortgage lenders, credit card companies and financial speculators from oppressive government regulations.

Most of all it’s going to take someone of unusual strength and character, to continue to wage the world wide war on the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

My friends, only I have the experience it will take to keep on torturing people, to racially profile and to harass elderly women at airport security checks.

The only way you can be safe is if you continue to let this government have the freedom to spy on it’s own citizens, and investigate and compile private data on them. If you don’t vote for Sarah Palin and me this November, the enemies of these freedoms will win.

And that’s not just empty rhetoric, that’s change you CAN believe in.