What should we talk about?

I can’t believe its been another week already. It is very nice to be here with you again, especially after the last couple of crazy weeks.

What do you think about the cartoon this week? Have we ever had a conversation about how Iraq is pretty much a civil war? Or have I shared with you my contention that we shouldn’t make generalizations about Muslims because there are so many different groups who all hate each other? Well, now it’s playing out that way in Gaza and the West Bank too. Ehud Olmert is the current Prime Minister of Israel. Sorry if you already knew that.

Yeah, I know I didn’t actually draw anything this week. Sometimes you find images that just illustrate your concept better than you could with a drawing- so why not a collage? Juxtapositioning is as meaningful as drawing, and faster.

I wanted to follow-up on a few things with you before talking about anything new. In regard to last week’s column- I know that impeachment will probably never happen because the Democrats haven’t got a big enough majority and even if they did, many of us would rather not use it because we feel like the last time it was used as a political weapon, rather than to balance power as it was originally intended.

But keep following the Scooter Libby trial and I’m sure you’ll have plenty to be disgusted about with the war and the Bush/Cheney Administration whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican.
Many of you told me how much you enjoyed the column where I interviewed my 5 year old daughter about America. Her baby sitter told me that they quizzed her older sister on the same questions as they read it. Grace, who is 7 didn’t do much better than Ellen.

By the way, Grace told me that she was very embarrassed by Ellen. Fortunately I think I was taking Ellen to the doctor that day so she wasn’t at either school or the baby sitter so, as far as I know, she is still unaware that I wrote about her in the newspaper and lots of people had a few laughs at her expense. Fortunately, once she catches on to reading, we’ll still have another child that I can use.

When I took Ellen in, Doctor Crabb shared with me an E-mail he had received which he thought ought to be good for a column. Apparently there’s a bumper sticker out there that works for BOTH Democrats and Republicans. It says “Run Hillary, Run!” Democrats stick it on the back of their cars, and Republicans stick it on the front.

It is pretty funny, but I received the same E-mail twice the next day, so I’m sure you’ve all heard it already. So maybe it would be better if I didn’t use it after all. Oh, oh yeah, too late. Oh well, I’ll have to try to remember not to use it again.

What a mess the whole thing with the Senate trying to pass a (non-binding) resolution to denounce the President’s war plan, huh? First you had Republicans Warner and Hagel siding with the Dems on opposing the surge, then they got back in line and voted with the rest of the Republicans to prevent debate on all four different versions of the resolution. What are they afraid of? This isn’t even the actual vote yet, its just debate. Don’t they want to debate? If they disagree with the bill, wouldn’t they want to have an opportunity to explain why?
Stephen Hopkins, signer of the Declaration of Independence, Delegate from Rhode Island to the 2nd Continental Congress said something when he voted to allow the Declaration to be debated by that legislative body in 1776 that I think applies to this situation too-

“In all my years I ain’t never heard, seen nor smelled an issue that was so dangerous it couldn’t be talked about. Hell yeah! I’m for debating anything.”

Words to live by. That’s always been this column’s goal. Sometimes we’ll agree, sometimes we’ll disagree. Sometimes we may passionately disagree, so let’s make sure that we agree to disagree, but let’s also agree that its okay to talk about what we disagree about.

Since it’s already obvious that I couldn’t agree with myself about a single topic this week, I’d like to suggest some ideas for things to do if you really need to snap out of a funk- say if you think you’re suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):

Blink wildly and then close your eyes really tight for an interesting light show.
Try to not think about penguins.

Repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning. Pick a random word out of a magazine and say it aloud to yourself until it becomes a meaningless set of noises.

Stare at the back of someone’s head until they turn around.

This works on the “I have the feeling I’m being watched” principle.

‘Ted’s Column’ has appeared weekly in the Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper since 2002. If you’d like to see any of Ted’s editorial cartoons bigger and brighter, you can visit http://tmal.multiply.com/photos/album/2

PS: Here are more dumb things to do from Things to do when you're bored:
(I think that my friends Tom and Ken will appreciate these the most. Obviously I couldn't think of what to write about this week and I'm kind of in a bit of a funk myself)

See how long you can hold a note
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes)
Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Inhale deeply and then try and make a noise for as long as you can. Earn extra points for making your partner laugh or ending on an amusing note.

Use your secret mind power
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Pick a passing by and try to use your mind power to command them do something, like drop their bag or knock into someone. The law of averages dictates that sooner or later one of your mind commands will come true, so you can convince yourself that you really have super human powers and waste even more time trying them out.

Scratch yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?

Hurt yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
There's not much to say about this one. It is possible, but really stupid.

Pretend to be a car
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Make appropriate revving noises in your head as you walk along and add a racing commentary as you pass strangers in the street. Use blinking eyes as indicators for extra authenticity.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

Get yourself as nauseated as possible
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").

Invent a weird twitch
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Adopt a bizarre twitch (e.g. flicking your head irregularly, twitching with eye or busting out sporadic cough noises) and try it out whe you go shopping.

Make a low buzzing noise
(Amusement Potential: 15-30 minutes)
Hours of fun in libraries! Keeping a totally straight face and looking nonchalant, make a low pitch humming/buzzing noise and see who reacts.

See what's in your neighbour's rubbish/trash
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes)
You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR or some porn mags.

Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Sort of entertaining. Include flamboyant shoulder shrugs for added impact, or go for a Marlon Brando set of grunts.

Send spooky emails
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes)
Look up someone's CV on the web, do some research on them via Google and then send them an email full of personal references claiming to be an ex-work colleague who fell in love with their shoes. Or something.

Make prank phone calls
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes)
Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Try seeing if you can get them to make noises to 'test' the line. One to get you started off: Call McDonalds with weird complaints about their food.

Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you
Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes)
What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and...AHHHHHH!!!!!

Try and sound Welsh
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
The key to sounding Welsh is to make sure that your voice goes up at the end of the sentence, so that everything sounds like a question. Throw in a superfluous 'isn't it?' at the end of everything you say and you're halfway there. Isn't it?

Burn things with a magnifying glass
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes)
Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.


Have a water drinking contest
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

Have a "Who is less competitive" competition
wonder (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes)
Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes)
Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of